tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57011302854250152032024-03-13T08:14:04.979-04:00Resolve to Live by Faith - Battling Hodgkin's LymphomaI am (Re)ckoning but, I have (Re)solve and I am (Re)silient.Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.comBlogger107125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-49610118011389945182013-07-31T23:24:00.000-04:002013-08-07T02:55:54.925-04:00Finding hope, strength and courage...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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In loving Memory of my dear and adorable niece, Michelle Tendayi Majuru......
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They are the ones that fall from your heart</div>
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and cover your soul.<br />
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Losing you at such a tender age tore a piece of my soul out of my chest. Tears flow unabated when I look at your photos. My heart aches with grief.... Although it is extremely difficult today to see beyond the sorrow, I remain confident that brighter days shall come, as the dark clouds make way for the sun to shine and illuminate in our hearts as we look back to memories that help comfort us tomorrow. So many wonderful and beautiful memories. Tendayi gave us so much more than she received, no matter what curve balls came her way. She loved us and taught us all that it will always be okay... with her beautiful priceless heartwarming smile. Tendayi was and still is, an incandescent light, that shines like a diamond in our hearts.<br />
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To my dearest sister Charity Majuru and my beautiful niece Dananai Majuru (Mrs Morgan, Mama Zahir-Mudiwa) (By the way, thank you so much for giving us such a beautiful and adorable grandson!)<br />
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Grieving can be a long process, so I ask that you be patient with yourselves. I love you both dearly, more than you will ever know. There is no day that goes by without me thinking and wishing I was there with you right now for as long as you need me. Be comforted in knowing that Tendayi's spirit continues to live on, smiling down on us. Tendayi's love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories. Our lives were forever changed and greatly enriched by having shared her love with all of us. The pain, the grief will linger but we will continue to find strength and rejoice in treasured memories that will live on. It is those little things that you will remember, particularly, Tendayi 's abundant capacity to love unconditionally and her infectious laughter that will help push away the pain and bring the smiles back again. The truth is, you never get over it, you just try to get through it. It never gets better it just get different every single day. Each day, grief puts on a new face.... Although no amount of words can help ease the loss you bear, I want you to know that, you are close in every thought and every prayer. I love you and I am praying for God to give you strength, the kind of strength that surpasses our own understanding.<br />
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Tendayi, you were such a special and unique young woman. I miss you so much. I am so proud to have been able to call you my niece. I love you sooooo much and can't wait to see you again.<br />
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All my love<br />
Aunt Dorothee<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">xoxo</span><br />
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<br />Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-1806104796672035572013-06-26T10:51:00.002-04:002013-06-27T20:34:44.350-04:00The saddest day of my life.....<br />
Today is the saddest day of my life. My very young and vibrant niece Tendai Michelle Majuru suddenly passed away in Boston, Massachusetts. That smile.....priceless.... that is Tendai, always smiling and shining a bright light on everyone.<br />
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If you go back in my blogs, I have written about how loving and thoughtful she was. She would come to visit me from Boston when I was having chemotherapy. She would take time off from work just to be there for me. She would make me laugh and remind me of good old times when she was a little girl growing up. The pain of losing her is so unbearable! The most difficult part is that my sister Charity Majuru lives in England. Just thinking about that distance and imagining how my sister is doing is a major heartbreak. I am praying for strength for Charity and Dananai. God takes the best! Oh God! Why? This is the time I have to ask Why? Why? at such a tender age? I thought I could say more but I am just at a loss for words. I love you my dearest niece and may your soul rest in peace!Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-55237044458467521612013-06-24T08:19:00.000-04:002013-06-26T08:19:23.924-04:00Aaargh... Nervous, surgery coming up......Now that we are all up to date with whats been going on and most importantly, I have regained my composure. Allow me to share some more news with ya'll. Remember the problematic inflammation on my jawline cum saliva gland? Well, after treatment for the past two months with antibiotics and painkillers followed by more tests, I was sent back to my oncology surgeon who informed me that I have a cystic mass which will be removed through a surgical procedure. A sample of the affected tissue will be sent to the lab to determine whether it is benign or malignant. I am scheduled for surgery at the end of this week and will keep y'all posted.<br />
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We just reminisced about the previous horrible surgical biopsy with Tinashe and we both could not help but feel this inexplicable fear and dread about what is to come. After the cancer journey, there are just certain moments you don't want to re-live. You just want to keep those memories tucked away neatly in a "do not open" filing cabinet. But, who can resist the temptation of opening. I am having flashbacks of that horrible second biopsy before treatment. I can't believe its not getting any easier despite time that has elapsed. Am I feeling scared? Yes! Am I feeling anxious? Absolutely yes!!! One would imagine the time that has elapsed, I should have it together. To add to this are people with good intention of course, who after I express my fears and concerns, keep telling me, "you are going to be fine". Really? I always wonder have you walked my shoes to dismiss my fears and concerns. Please let me express my strong feelings or rant and rave because that is my way of coping.<br />
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Did you know that no doctor can guarantee cancer will stay gone forever? I cannot say this enough, every visit to the cancer clinic affects me tremendously because I feel like I am stepping back in time into the time machine. At times, I feel like a sitting duck just waiting. I can't help wondering will it come back? If it does how would I know? Fear is always lingering about recurrence. But, in the midst all that, my new chapter includes both hope, happiness and fear. I am focussing on things that I can control and allowing researchers to come up with a cure that keeps cancer from coming back after treatment.<br />
<br />Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-55361368694657916402013-06-12T07:27:00.000-04:002013-06-25T22:26:04.356-04:00Bending at times but not broken.......<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Hello hello to y'all! I know its been quite a while since I posted. Forgive me for leaving you on a cliff hanger after all the twists and turns of my life. I was just feeling tired and uninspired. I guess thats a good thing. It means no news to report. As time goes by, I sure have learnt that life is good when you allow it to flow naturally (easier said than done). What I mean is being in the moment is not just being grateful for everything. That is kinda like going through life on auto pilot. Be open to whatever is that moment. Cry when you need to - whine when you need to (I do it unashamedly all the time), laugh at yourself afterwards and live abundantly.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I cannot say this enough. Cancer does not end the day of treatment. Its like you are forever sitting there behind the cancer veil waiting in uncertainty while everyone else is on the other side. The emotional shocks are never ending there are always mountains to climb and potholes to fall in. While you always feel elated and grateful for being given a second chance, the struggle with fear and unavoidable uncertainty is not told often enough. The intensity of feelings of vulnerability and sadness are just unimaginable. Every bump along the way makes you feel like you are getting sucked into the river of life without a paddle. You feel like you are in a raging tempest, being tossed out in the raging waters. And as you get along you quickly learn to swim and go with the flow. After the tumbles and turns, I did smile knowing that whatever I am going through, I can handle it. I may not be able to handle it well with finesse or grace but, I will handle it. I am now frantically re-writing my emotional script and erasing old messages because life is rarely constant. Its been said that the only constant in life is change.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Enough of my ramblings. I wanted to share with y’all that I have been doing well after the seemingly insurmountable obstacles of the past few months. I saw my oncologist last week and everything looks good. Beside needing to lose a few pounds, I am pleased to report that I have been healthy. I cannot wait to reach my two year mark and start calling myself a "cancer survivor". As I stand on the thresh-hold of some kind of victory, I feel excited and rejuvenated about what the future holds for me.</span><br />
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<br />Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-31709603580497462242013-05-21T23:41:00.000-04:002013-06-24T06:43:26.558-04:00I was just having a bad day not a bad life.......<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Just checking in quickly to let ya'll know I am doing better than when I wrote my last update. Well, what can I say, I was having one of those, "poor me" kind of moment and you all got a little taste of my wonderful melt-downs. After the emotional breakdown,I decided to do a note to myself. A gentle reminder to self, when I feel my body slip away, to remember to walk through this life with grace and determination and top it up with a great sense of humour whenever I can. </span><br />
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Here is my note to Self:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Rule # 1.......Don't panic.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Rule # 2 .....Never give up.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Rule # 3.......Don't forget the first 2 rules.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Well, you see, in the land of "Cancer", family and friends are able to stand along and cheer you on... but they cannot get on that road with you. It is fellow travellers who make the journey less fearful as you listen to their stories and learn from their experiences.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">For now, let me say, the dark shadow has passed. I see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.</span><br />
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<!--EndFragment-->Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-22888391321881642642013-04-04T00:00:00.000-04:002013-04-05T21:18:17.006-04:00I am an Emotional Wreck...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Z50DNalKHsk/UV527Tjv5iI/AAAAAAAAAag/FFzFEaUHEpk/s1600/notto.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Z50DNalKHsk/UV527Tjv5iI/AAAAAAAAAag/FFzFEaUHEpk/s1600/notto.jpeg" /></a><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 20.79px;">Phew! Sometimes its hard to keep it together particularly when you don't know whether your health is taking a tumble or a turn. I find myself just needing to take a deep breath in order to get through the day and recognize that better days will come. Since my last post, I continue to struggle with the inflammation on my jaw, my neck and now I have difficulty swallowing. And, yes, because of the pain, I have trouble hearing with the affected side and the dry mouth has become more severe. It appears my situation has progressively gotten worse. My initial reaction when this recurred in February was to shut the thoughts up in some dark corner of my brain where possibilities of repressing memories are high. However, that didn't work at all. The anxiety continues to creep in everyday. And I continue to worry that,"what if the cancer is back?" </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 20.79px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">This road my dear friends has been rough and rocky. I cannot fathom going through this again. I do not want to travel down this lonely and desolate path again. But, do I have a choice? </span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Lately, my life has turned into series of more aches and pains. More Doctor visits, more antibiotics, more painkillers and more specialist visits. But, most overwhelming is the confusion and the worry. I now can recite different types of antibiotics with eyes closed. I know the various intensity of prescription pain killers.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">So, today I just saw my doctor. I dislike every visit because of the fact that I have to step back in time and relive my cancer all over again. She dropped a bomb on me when she said, I have to request we do another biopsy again to make sure there is no new tumour growth on my neck. I closed my eyes because I saw myself tumbling down this very dark tunnel head first. I remembered the excruciating pain of my last biopsy which made me cry like a little baby. I was visibly shaken and felt all these intense emotions. I know I have to pull myself together. I cannot fathom going through that experience once again. My jaw dropped, I am embarrassed to report that I had an emotional meltdown. I cried, and cried some more when I got to work. As my boss held my hand comforting me, telling me I could take some time off. She cried too! (I love my work mates). A big shout out to my favourite Dr Steve Matlis my colleague who cares so much about my well being. I appreciate you so much! Oh dear, I had a major melt down! LOL! I still chock up every time I think or talk about it. Now, I don't feel like talking about it because it makes me want to cry some more. I feel emotionally numb. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Well, excuse me, I think right now I just need to take a moment and take that much needed deep breath. I feel like I am on some emotional roller coaster again. Even though I try to remember to appreciate everyday, it is hard to do that with this recurring lump on my neck. At the same time, I feel like all the dark days that I have been through have hardened me. I also fear that all the dark days are most likely to come. I do recognize that this whole journey affects everyone around me, my family and friends as well. I know I dont say this enough, I don't know what I would do or where I would be right now without your support. You give me courage and hope to stay positive and I am forever thankful for that. With that said, let me work on my emotions that have a tendency to drift from the safety and joy of the now to unfounded anxieties and scary memories of the past. Today, I am going to have some Sushi and go for a walk in Chinatown and smile because I know that simply breathing means - anything is possible.</span>Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-56387981069582199302013-03-02T02:01:00.000-05:002013-03-02T03:19:07.968-05:00Scared..Scared and more scared lump on my jaw line<span style="font-family: inherit;">I am sorry for the apparent abandoning of my blog. It was not my intention to be so tardy. I just didn't have much to say or maybe I was just playing avoidance. Aluta Continua! That means "the struggle continues"!(popular Portuguese slogan used to cultivate popular support against colonial presence during the apartheid liberation struggle in my beloved home country Zimbabwe ). Time has gone by surprisingly fast. I cannot believe christmas came and new year just passed and I have not posted in a while. I guess that is what happens when you do not have much to talk about - which is a good thing I guess. Otherwise, Happy belated New Year to y'all! Many thanks to all of you who have kept checking up on me and continue giving me much needed encouragement and support. Thank you for your emails, tweets, phone calls and in person support. After starting a new position in October last year, I felt like I needed a break from thinking about this damn cancer which included writing this blog. </span><br />
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I have thought about discontinuing this blog, but I remembered that when I was first diagnosed with cancer, I would spend my time reading other people's blogs and most of them just ended abruptly as soon as treatment ended. It bothered me and left me feeling scared and curious and wondering how they were doing. I often wondered whether they were in partial remission like me or stayed in remission or not or whether they died. Just thinking about that scared the crap out of me. So, I decided to keep my blog up and will try updating as often as I can.<br />
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Like I said in my previous blogs, life after cancer is not easy. Its pretty hard! One of the biggest struggles is getting people to understand how I feel about all that I have been through - it has not been easy and I realize it will continue to be a challenge. Most people have the attitude that I am done with cancer now and should be able to move on and not think about it anymore. NO! I CANNOT! I do worry constantly and I am anxious about my cancer coming back more-so, now that I have this recent swelling again the size of a marble on my jaw the same spot that ended up being opened up in July last year. The uncertainty is extremely scary and causes me to lay awake at night wondering what if? Then, in the morning I go to work feeling extremely exhausted from lack of sleep and the vicious worry cycle continues.<br />
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Sometimes, I feel like I am expected to just forget that I had cancer and move on with my life. Honestly, I dont know how to do that. I am trying but it is extremely hard. From the outside everyone says how great I look and how well I am doing. Even my two lovely Oncologist say I am doing great. But, I feel like saying, "I really dont feel great at all.. Why do I keep getting the same painful swelling on the same spot where I had the biggest tumor. Just because I am not acting like an emotional mess in front of people does not mean that I am doing or feeling great". It feels like there is no end to this whole situation. You dont stop having cancer once treatment is over. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate that I am feeling much better in comparison to when this journey started. But, the truth, cancer is now part of me. Like many cancer survivors, I continue to grope for a suitable word that makes sense of this new place. Sometimes, I wonder how can I call myself a survivor when I will spend the rest of my life being monitored and tested. What about the scars on my body? Sadly, cancer is part of me now. Its embedded in my life forever and will constantly be in the back of my mind. But, I refuse to let it take over my life. Its funny that everyone tells me how strong I am, which is the most humbling compliment... but, I dont really feel that I have been strong at all. I feel that when life throws you curveballs, you either choose to be positive and get through it the best you can ... or you can let it bring you down in a dark place you dont want to be. I just chose the more positive route.<br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">For the most part, all I want to do is pretend the nightmare never happened. That, I didn't lose months and months of my life to pain, appointments, emergency room visits. Who knows, one day I will have the courage to just reflect and make sense of the whole experience. After all those months of going through what I still consider hell, I have moved on - so I keep thinking until something comes up. The sort of bad news is that last week I started feeling feverish and ended up with a swelling on the same spot that sent me under the blade in July 2012. I just had an aspiration done last week and have been taking antibiotics. All this stuff scares the crap out of me. I am seeing my oncologist next week. Hopefully it will turn out to be nothing serious.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I am not sure if I posted that I am now a clinical social worker at a health centre(same organization). Yeah, that was another move up the ladder. Do I hear an Amen?? I am loving being back to work and feeling great most of the time. But, most of all, maintaining a swag that allows me to pass for healthy. In actual truth, the journey continues. Side effects do remain. Hello dry mouth that keeps me awake to take frequent sips of water during the night and every few minutes during the day. This radiation sure did a number on my glands that I don't know will ever heal soon enough. Physically, I am not back to myself yet. I feel chronic fatigue and shortness of breath. However, I still go to the gym and it does help a lot. Since end of treatment, I started "clean eating" and buying organic produce. While the cancer anxiety is not so much, I still worry about it coming back though it is definitely not in the front of my mind as before. I still live in a body that feels like crap a lot of the time. It has taken me time to really learn how to take care of myself in a new way and live again. My life is forever changed but I am truly enjoying the gift of seeing life from the other side of the coin. Most people will live their entire lives and never get to see it the way that I now do. There are things to be thankful for everyday.</span><br />
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One who lived a nightmare but, still lives!<br />
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<br />Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com0Canada56.130366 -106.34677099999999-9.390463000000004 88.41885400000001 90 58.88760400000001tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-16555596915322266072013-02-05T02:51:00.000-05:002013-03-02T03:13:06.122-05:00What and If<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 16px;">'What' and ‘if’ two words as non-threatening</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 16px;">as words come. But put</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 16px;">them together side-by-side and they</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 16px;">have the power to haunt you for the</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 16px;">rest of your life: ‘What if?'..."</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 16px;">"I don't know how your story ended.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 16px;">But I know that if what you felt</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 16px;">then was love - true love - then</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 16px;">it's never too late. If it was true</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 16px;">then it why wouldn't it be true</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 16px;">now? You need only the courage to</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; line-height: 16px;">follow your heart..."</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #6e7173; line-height: 15px;"><i>Claire (Vanessa Redgrave), Letters To Juliet</i></span></span>Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-58346740489698568402012-06-30T00:00:00.000-04:002013-03-02T02:48:13.323-05:00Fabulous Five-Oh!Today, I often do forget how old I am. I need some digital calculator to subtract the year I was born from today's date to figure it out. I don't worry about or celebrate "years" anymore. I am just happy to be here. Happy to have family and friends I love. Happy to have fulfilling work. Just plain happy to be alive and well. I now celebrate my birthday everyday when I wake up - It is a new birth for me. It means I made it another day. I no longer care how old I am getting. Just grateful to be alive and sharing precious time with those I love and can't be without. Every year is a step forward away from the year I had to fight for my life. Before cancer, I took everything for granted. Now, I appreciate every new day. When I hear people complain, I have to think before I respond, because someone who has not been through cancer, cannot appreciate life and all that it brings. It feels great to be alive.<br />
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If I had to sum up my 50th Birthday Anniversary in one word, the word would be "Fabulous". The amazing people in my life made great such effort in making my birthday just beautiful and memorable! Milestones Restaurant was just appropriate for the occasion. A milestone indeed! I just want to thank all my family and friends for the overwhelming birthday wishes and cheer. Thank you for your continued love, support and encouragement throughout my crisis and personal struggles. Most important, a big thank you to everyone for a lovely birthday dinner. It was absolutely fabulous and great to get together with everyone and just be present in the moment. I just think we all needed that because we sure had good food and good laughs. Wow! I love y'all thank you for making me feel so special and loved.Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-81482506002468760822012-06-29T15:58:00.000-04:002012-07-05T22:36:18.359-04:00Oh No....the Big 50 Five-OH!!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: white;">For those of you who are not in the loop, tomorrow is my birthday so I thought that I might blog about what this means for me especially after cancer. Tomorrow, I will turn 50 years old. It is my first birthday since being diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma and going through chemo and radiation. I am just happy to be here and have the sun shining in this often cold place. I don't care how old I am turning. Some people would be thinking wow! that is jubilee celebrations - it gotta be big or how will I put it together. For me, all that is far from my thoughts. I know that at 50 "Ahhhh... is the sound I will make every time I sit down in a chair from now on and Uhhhhh... is the sound I will make every time I get up from a chair from now on. Then, I am thinking, as you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes and oops! I can't remember the other two... Good Lord, I am thinking this is crazy..</span><br />
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And... yeah I remember before my diagnosis, I always said I would want my 50th to be big and fabulous. But, now my thoughts are very far and a bit different. I am thinking,Wow! I made it! I am looking back and doing a lot of reflection on what happened in my life just this past year and how much I have changed.....Don't get me wrong, I do feel privileged reaching this milestone but, I cannot shake off the feeling of my friends I journeyed with during chemo and did not make it. You are forever in my heart. May God rest your body and soul in peace. As the days got closer I kept thinking about the cancer friends I met during treatment and during this journey particularly those that are still struggling more than me. I could not help but keep thinking about those cancer friends I have lost over this short year. I survived and I feel privileged! Most of my friends and my family really wanted a big celebration but I found myself wanting really solitude.<br />
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Anyway, here I am after my diagnosis. I have a whole life ahead of me though much different than I had planned prior to my diagnosis. I keep wondering who would I be and what would I be doing had cancer never found its way into my life. This sure was a dramatic curve ball thrown my way which changed everything and will continue to change who I am for the rest of my life. But, the key thing is that I have my life and therefore, I will celebrate that with utmost joy and respect. Life is one of those rare gifts that I hold very close to my heart. I welcome this 50th birthday anniverary and look forward to an amazing year filled with new adventures and dreams to particularly run a marathon for Cancer cure next year.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">With that said, I must admit that before cancer, I took everything for granted. Now, I appreciate every new day and put as much as I can into a day. In fact, when I hear people complain about little things, I have to take a pause and think before snapping at them because someone who has not been through cancer cannot appreciate life and all that it brings. I am grateful for every person I encountered throughout my journey. You </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">are the charming gardeners who make my soul blossom!</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"> </span><br />
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Well, who knows whats gonna happen... To keep your spot in the loop, just stay tuned for the big Five-Oh! news..<br />
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xoxoDorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-10687054484633621502012-06-22T14:17:00.000-04:002012-07-04T15:10:41.147-04:00My Daughter got hit by a taxi cab driverToday of all days I am down with a severe respiratory infection and recovering from the surgery. Then, I get this phone call that Tinashe had been hit by a car. On receiving the news, I just felt numb and could not get out my bed. You know how when you receive such news you just have this feeling that someone is not telling you everything. Anyway, what happened was, Tinashe was cycling as she always does on one of our very busy streets and this taxi cab driver carelessly hit her dragged into the other lane where another car was coming from another direction. As she fell on the pavement the bike was on top of her, she says she saw the other coming towards her, almost running her over. But, she could not move an inch. She talks about the kind of shock that paralyses you and leaves you helpless.<br />
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First off, thank God, she was wearing a helmet which she had just purchased the previous day. Secondly, thank God the other motorist was able to apply brakes right in front of where she was lying down. The guy, I am told was so shaken but was able to lift Tinashe out of the road in case another car came speeding. He was visibly shaken and kept saying I almost killed you. He was so shaken he could not drive his car and had to ask someone else to come and drive him.<br />
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Anyway that is the good guy, now the taxi guy he starts yelling at Tinashe that,"you are affecting my livelihood"! And he does not even care to see if she is okay. <span style="background-color: white;">I am still scratching my head....</span><span style="background-color: white;"> Can you believe some careless drivers??? Anyway, the public came to her rescue before the police came on the scene. The public really told this guy off that he should be placed behind bars for his callousness. I love Torontonians, they are still beautiful people around.. Let me just take this opportunity to appreciate the heroes that were the first respondents. It was the public that gathered around and held her hand and comforted her. Even, one stranger accompanied her to the hospital. There are still good people around..... Once the police came and ambulance, she was taken to the hospital and is doing fine. She hurt her back and her right arm which is in a brace support bandage. She suffered whiplash and torn tendons. As for the taxi guy, his license was suspended and hopefully she can sue for damages and loss of income for the time she is unable to perform normal daily tasks. What is interesting about all this is how much she was minimizing her experience. As always, putting me first. She kept saying I am the one who is sick yet it was obvious that she was injured yet remained selfless as always. What would I do really without this amazing daughter that God gave me??? Always ready to give without expecting anything in return. I love you Tinashe and I am wishing you a speedy recovery....</span><br />
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<span style="color: magenta;">xoxo</span>Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-47697448895828992022012-06-04T09:34:00.000-04:002012-07-04T21:20:36.069-04:00I am still here....UpdatesIt seems like ages since I have posted updates so I thought it was about time I updated y'all properly on what has been going on in my world. You know I miss y'all. And, thank you to all those who have inboxed checking up on me. A lot has been happening with me these past few weeks. You have not heard from me in a while because I figured, why not blog when things are looking up rather than blog about sad and depressing stuff. While I do feel guilty at times about this I find myself pausing and reminding myself what this blog was really about, RESOLVING TO LIVE and if I am doing that, it means I don't always have to be a Debbie Downer but breathe LIFE! Of course, the side effects are still in force. My saliva is still missing in action and the fatigue continues. Sometimes I feel like a centenarian - yeah over 100 years old believe me. But, as always I remain hopeful that this will all go away at some point with all the abundant love surrounding me and the gym tonic...I recharge every time I go to the gym its been working miracles so far.<br />
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I know the worst appears to be over and I am coping extremely well, healing, adjusting to work/life balance and rebuilding in every sense of the word. Often, it feels like a real chore - the truth is, the illness, the pain, the terror of almost dying shattered something in my soul. <span style="background-color: white;">So, as much as many people talk about healing and moving on, I believe there is no such thing because the trauma remains deeply etched in my brain. Life is never the same after cancer. I do have those occasional pity party moments but try to remain positive. Just to give y'all an update and assure everyone that I have not gone anywhere. Am still here and kicking cancer's ass in spite of.... all the above! I still worry that the cancer may come back but I know that whatever happens I will be able to deal with it. As always, I have control over my diet, exercise and attitude but there are some things in life we can never control. With that said, </span><span style="background-color: white;">I promise to work hard on continuing this blog and reminding everyone who reads my blog that there is life after cancer. The journey may be difficult but once you get there it can be pretty amazing.</span><br />
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Anyway, the last time you heard from me, I had a golf ball size swelling on my jaw. I went to see my Oncologist last week and he referred me back to the Oncologist Surgeon who had initially done my biopsy at the beginning of this journey. Boy! when that happened, I was shocked and I just stopped in my tracks. Many things going through my mind.... First, I thought, wow, has the cancer made a return? Then, I also remembered how painful the surgical biopsy was and I was overwhelmed with emotion. I wept, because I thought this sure feels like a classic snakes and ladder's game which I am not keen on playing at all. Then, I recalled how I had been mistreated during the beginning of this cancer journey. I felt like asking my oncologist to refer me to someone else. But, remember last time I talked about hitting the refresh button. Well, I did just that, I hit the refresh button on life and it seems to really help because it gave me a clean slate and a dose of courage to confront life curve balls every time they are thrown at me.<br />
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As always, I went in with my rock, Tinashe by my side, just nervous and anxious but carrying the ever blazing optimistic torch. The good news is, this guy unlike last time, actually remembered me, including my first name and treated me so well. We were both dumb founded. He told me that I had an inflammed abscess and proceeded to explain what was going to happen before doing the incision and drainage. Yeah it was quite painful because apparently anaesthesia does not really work on an inflammed part of the skin. Still the good news is, I felt like the red carpet was rolled out for me despite the very painful procedure. From his assistant up to the residents, nurses, I just felt like a VIP. After the unpleasant procedure, I continued taking my antibiotics and pain meds and within a few days felt much better. The swelling actually went down within a few days which made happy. But, that does not mean I am out of the woods yet.<br />
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So far, I just have a scar on my cheek a reminder of this never ending journey called cancer. No wonder its called a journey! Now, I am waiting for my next appointment in August where the same surgeon will do a CT Scan and insert a camera through my nose to determine why I had the inflammation in the first place. He wants to make sure I do not have any hodgkins tumours growing again under the abscess. So, stay tuned for that part of the journey.<br />
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Until then, "Dream as if you will live forever and live as if you will die today"...<br />
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<span style="color: magenta; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">xoxo</span></div>Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-30591734349161860972012-05-26T14:38:00.001-04:002012-05-27T00:47:03.157-04:00Life is a Gift, Don't Take it for Granted....<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LoKsMXkqzE8/T7fwqmDZZ7I/AAAAAAAAAWw/PWmPYDOaK9o/s1600/lifgift.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LoKsMXkqzE8/T7fwqmDZZ7I/AAAAAAAAAWw/PWmPYDOaK9o/s1600/lifgift.jpeg" /></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I may have a marble sized lump no now it looks like a golfball size on my jaw and half my face is now hanging from swelling and am really really feeling sore, but that ain't gonna stop me from living my life. I understand though that life can be hard hence it isn't really tied up with a fancy or pretty ribbon, but it is still a gift. There is always, always something to be grateful for. So, today, I am grateful for what I have and what I am. I am thankful for even the birds chirping outside my bedroom window. I feel like they are singing for me singing just for me. Saying, "Good morning Dorothee, today is another day, you made it! Just make it joyful!"
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Life is beautiful and I am grateful and thankful. I am grateful to my children, family and friends - they make me happy and are the charming gardeners who make my soul blossom! Catherine Kahari, you bring tears to my eyes. Thank you for putting me on speed dial and checking on me relentlessly. Victor Kahari, I love you and I appreciate your love. I am just grateful to so many of y'all the list is so long and I am eternally grateful! I am grateful to strangers who have shown me little acts of kindness. I am grateful for each new challenge because it builds my strength and character. How can I not say life is beautiful with all the love and blessings surrounding me?</span><br />
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In my little world, I continue to strive to live every minute with love, grace and gratitude.Waking up every morning is a special gift that we should all cherish. Imagine that we have lungs that breathe, a heart that beats, eyes that see and the capacity to love and change lives whenever possible. Of course there will always be hardships and things to overcome but we need to remember all the simple things that we forget to be thankful for. I am grateful for so many things and now, every morning when I wake up I say out loudly that, "I am grateful for today and cannot wait for it to begin". Even if turns south as the other past few days. I am still filled with gratitude. The swelling is getting bigger and it is very sore but I am still grateful for many things.
By the way, when was the last time you looked in the mirror and really seen who you are? What do you see? Did you come up with words like, beautiful, confident, decadent, influential, inspiring and gorgeous? If you didn't please do it again because giving gratitude is the most powerful way to increase your well-being. I do understand though that there are times when our lights just go off, but often get rekindled by other people. So, we all have cause to be grateful to those who have lighted the flame within us. For me, the list is so long. I am grateful to y'all and I appreciate you!<br />
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Before my diagnosis, I would have said that I was a woman of faith. What is faith? It is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. Easier said than done. However, I had no idea how that faith would hold up under such challenging circumstances. I am humbled to say that I have been given strength beyond my greatest hopes. I remain realistically optimistic even though there are those moments of sadness which overwhelm me. But, I refuse to let cancer rule my life. I have chosen to live each day with hope and great joy. This above all else is my source of strength.
When I think about life, its funny how I never paid much attention to the words, 'live each day as if it were last" until my cancer diagnosis. Every morning I look in the mirror and say to myself, "Today, I want to fill my life with memorable experiences". By the way, having cancer did not change my personality - I still get annoyed and irritated at little things in life, loud and chatty people annoy me at times and especially people who like to be all in my face all the time and suffocating me unnecessarily.<br />
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Hodgkins has enabled me to have those moments when I can stop in my tracks to appreciate all the beauty that surrounds me; the blooming flowers adorning many frontyards and backyards, the beautiful blue sky and birds chirping away in the bright blue sky. Cancer gave me moments of simple appreciation for just being alive. I guess cancer somehow gave me eyes to see the beauty in life that I never took the time to see before. I have learned that each day is precious and that not one person is promised tomorrow. Indeed, this is a hard way to learn what is important in life. For me, it is family and friends.
So, people, take care of yourselves because you have the option and ability to do so. Be the best possible you. Be thankful for being alive and having a chance to do anything you please and with that don't let yourself down. Become something huge, just because you can. Do something remarkable, just because you can. Don't sit around waiting for life to happen to you, create it.<br />
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LIVE, LOVE AND LAUGH! Because no one knows what the future will hold. So, live each day as if it were last....<br />
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</span>Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-80209005690398785132012-05-24T23:43:00.000-04:002012-07-04T12:01:10.495-04:00Oh NO, Back to Square One? Hitting the Refresh Button on Life...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Am I back to square one, where it all started? "It"? what is "It"? I can't believe I am using euphemisms. What I mean is where this whole cancer journey started. Gees, this life is sure like a snakes and ladders board game. Really, am I back to square one??? Lately, I have been posing that question to myself a lot as I feel like I hit the refresh button on life. My emotions are all over the place.<br />
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After seeing my radiation oncologist on Wednesday (yesterday) and being told that he was referring me back to the oncologist surgeon (located at a different hospital) who performed the original biopsy for yet another surgical procedure and further testing. Wow! so many questions going through my mind and a million thoughts of what this could mean. Just trying to wrap my mind around everything that is going on. What does this really mean? Well, I may not have answers right now but I am not obsessing about it. I am taking it as one of life curve balls thrown at me. I am trying to stay strong. Kinda like fake it until I make it. I am just taking deep breaths and rejoicing in the things that are present. I am here now and thats all that matters...<br />
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The truth is, after my oncologist said, "I have to refer you back to the oncology surgeon". I had a deja vu episode.... overwhelming weird and frightening deja vu feelings - the kind of feeling that I know that I have already lived and experienced this not so pretty encounter. If you read my earlier blog postings last year you will understand why I am feeling the way I am feeling right now. The truth is, I had refreshed my browser of life and had started to look forward to moving on to new stories. You can't blame a girl for wanting to move on. The cancer journey may be the hardest journey anyone can ever be on, but the greatest thing for me is that I have my family and friends who provide such big comfort and joy.<br />
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Anyway, the good news is unlike the last time where I had to wait for 2 months to have the biopsy done, and only got an earlier appointment after I raised a stinker. This time its different. Phew! that experience was very stressful. This time, I am incredibly impressed. I saw my radiation oncologist on Wednesday and today, Thursday (the following day) I got a call from my dear friend surgeon oncologist that he will see me next week on Tuesday. That is a total record short wait of only 4 days. These are moments I am counting my blessings one by one and naming them one by one. Anyway, since this is at a different hospital, I am now looking for my hospital card because I thought I was done with that part of the journey. No big deal though cause I can get a new card if I don't find it. What is funny about all this is how I had closed that chapter of my life preemptively. Remember how I have loved speaking about all these things in the past tense????? Aahh... such is life that we sometimes have a tendency to look on the more favourable side of events rather than the latter. Its called optimism - a tendency to make lemons out of lemonade and to see the glass as half full when its half empty.<br />
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Generally speaking, I am an optimist by nature. Have always been. But, since this journey I have learned something new about this whole idea of optimism. I have wondered why do we have to think positive all the time? On reflection, I realize its okay that I don't have to be positive all the time. Hence, I allow myself those moments when I will rant and whine because I know that is okay too as long as I come back to sanity. I can try to come to terms with my fears and for sure I have lots of them, but at the same time I can also prepare for the worst. Just like the old saying, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Thats exactly how I am dealing with my life which often feels so fragile. So, bear with me as I bear with myself.<br />
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Regardless of everything that is going on, I am determined to continue with those activities that lead to true health and well being, such as prayer, exercise, good dietary habits, un-clattering my mind, pampering myself, laughing more from the belly, getting enough sleep that actually gives rest and most important keeping up my personal appearances. All these things help make a challenging situation a tard more bearable. It also is a wonderful opportunity to become more introspective and make strides in personal growth.<br />
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Until then, stay tuned as I have just hit the refresh button on the web browser of life and starting all over again......<br />
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<br />Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-85694174850562506612012-05-23T12:18:00.000-04:002012-05-23T21:24:03.279-04:00Im-port-ant News...Boy oh boy. After a good spell of wellness, I thought I was closing down this chapter of my life for now, but not so fast. How I hate posting about feeling unwell when things were beginning to look up. Was not able to go to work yesterday and today. I am feeling sad because after having enjoyed a spell of wellness and just being back on my feet and what I supposedly love to call my new normal, I am having a small speed bump as I like to call it. The swelling seems to keep growing and I have stopped looking at myself in the mirror for fear of panicking myself or triggering an anxiety attack. The pain is excruciating which is frustrating because I hate taking these very strong painkillers which knock me out of commission. I am seeing my oncologist today and I hope he can give me a proper calming overview of what exactly is going on. By the way, yesterday I did feel so great because all my doctors were all concerned about me and calling me to make sure everything was fine and letting me know what the next steps are. That felt really good, just knowing that my healthcare team is on point. Sometimes you don't need just medication to make you feel better. You just need other people to show that they care and make you feel really good inside and thats exactly how I feel right now. I love you my healthcare team! Its called food for the soul. I am encouraged as I proceed.... Gotta go now don't wanna be late for my appointment with the oncologist.<br />
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Until then, I guess you have to stay tuned and lets all hope for the best.......<br />
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<br />Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-88367699999357662262012-05-21T10:45:00.001-04:002012-05-21T12:55:23.008-04:00After the Scare, How am I?How am I? I always ask myself? Sometimes, I feel confident but sometimes I do feel scared. It can feel good to be done with treatment but at the same time it can be stressful. Everyday, I worry about the cancer coming back. I guess it will take a while for me to feel confident and have these constant fears somewhat relieved. I still feel constantly tired and achy but I should admit that I am on the improve. I still don't produce saliva in my mouth - a hallmark of radiation induced salivary gland dysfunction (a condition called Xerostomia or cotton mouth) and struggle with a very dry mouth and food tastes like sand and have difficulty swallowing, but I don't have cancer for now, so who cares about those things??? I take it as slow process of healing and appreciate the other good things in my life. Just looking at life as a big canvas <br />
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and summing it up in three words, "It Goes On"....<br />
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Granted, I had been taking the antibiotic prescribed by my radiation oncologist, I had hoped to feel better. Are you thinking what I think you are thinking? I did too, I thought shit! the tumours have come back. I was petrified! Remember the uncertainty I have talked about before? It can be nerve racking. As I checked myself in the mirror and I saw this incredibly big swelling on my left jaw I thought, "Did the combination chemo and radiation work? Why do some lymph nodes still feel so enlarged and painful too? Is this Hodgkin's still there? Has it come back again? A hundred questions filled my mind but one thing I know for sure is that I didn't panic. I guess its because since after treatment, I have found it really hard to get back to normal. I just feel so drained and fragile. Sometimes, I wake up feeling like I cannot cope with any more of life's challenges. But, I am glad that I have kept pushing myself to get back to normal understanding that what I went through was indeed life-changing. I may be scared but what I know for sure is no matter whats going on, I am concentrating on enjoying the present and being well again for the time being.</div>
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After my last post, the marble size lump grew bigger to kinda like golf ball size and it was throbbing and I could not stand anyone touching me on that spot. I could not turn my neck and my ear felt like it was going to blow up. Aarrrggh! That scared me out of my boots! We went to the emergency yesterday and after several tests the lump turned out to be an abscess and I hope its just that. The ER doctor performed what is called a needle aspiration and sent me home with a strong antibiotic and strong painkiller. A culture of the drainage was sent to the lab for further investigation. To aspirate is to withdraw fluid with a syringe after inserting the needle and pulling back on the plunger of the syringe. The freezing injection on my cheek was painful and yes, I screamed. But, I did not feel anything during the aspiration process. This young doctor was amazing! You may be wondering. Tinashe was there as usual holding my hand. This girl has become so strong she didn't even look away during the mini procedure. Now, you can agree why I keep saying she is my ROCK! She is always there for me, unshakeable, always calm, always dependable, always full of positive attitude, always supportive and always strong.<br />
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Tinashe, you are my rock and I count you as my privilege. Thank you for standing by me through thick and thin. I am grateful knowing that I can count on your strength. I am grateful that I can ask for your support and know you will go to any length. Your comfort soothes and brings me back to what is priority in life.<br />
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And, thank y'all for the beautiful messages and your continued support!! I appreciate y'all and could never do this without you! The biggest thing for me in all this is knowing the people that are special to me and how wide that network is. I would not be here writing this without all your support. Thank you and I love y'all......<br />
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Until next time y'all, be kind and be good to yourself......<br />
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<br /></div>Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-74707930047088461542012-05-18T04:29:00.000-04:002012-05-19T13:53:40.495-04:00I Look Okay But, I am Not Okay....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Let me start with sharing good stuff! the I look okay factor! My hair has started growing now after all the boohoo chemo nightmare and tears! Who can forget the tears of losing my sister locs/dread locs and the brief wig drama! The funny part, is my hair came back different! I am so happy its back and I don't have to wear hats, scarfs or a wig, that I don't care much about. I have also always wanted curls and now I have them. I have heard many different things that hair comes back one way then after a few months goes back to how it was. If curls will stay (Yay!) If curls are temporary (Boo..) the texture has changed baby fine curly and cute. I love my new hair! Tinashe is always enjoying and playing with the little curls. Looks nice, so I am told. LOL!! The oncologist had told me it may come out grey but nope, its black, curly and cute!<br />
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After riding the Hodgkins bus, the end of treatment can be challenging as I am finding out. As I reflect on the profound physical and emotional assaults to which I have been subjected to - the feeling is surreal. It does not feel like it happened to me. I have developed a mask that I put on in order to hide some of my real feelings, particularly from unwittingly insensitive or unhelpful remarks. For instance, I have learned to smile when someone says cheerily, "You look really well" when I am actually feeling terrible. Many people think that cancer is like other illnesses where once treatment is complete the disease is cured and you are better. Surprise, surprise, cancer is infinitely more complex than that simplistic analysis. The end of treatment is the beginning of something else. It is a rebuilding process that requires management and direction. Just to put it lightly, I am still reflecting on what I have been through and trying to put everything in its rightful place in my personal life autobiography or history.<br />
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Wait a minute.... allow me to say this again. When you finish treatment this cancer roller coaster is never over. Trust me.... Remember I have mentioned how these first few months post-treatment have been a time of change for me. Its not so much getting back to normal but trying to find out what my own normal is and re-defining that can be quite an insurmountable task. Even though my life has new meaning and I do look at things differently, I understand that things can keep changing during this recovery process. I often experience mixed emotions and lately, I discovered that my own expectations and reality often collide. Sometimes I feel disappointed and frustrated when I am unable to meet my own physical or emotional expectations. During that time, I feel isolated as though I do not belong. While I do feel hope, gratitude and relief that I finished treatment and feel much better than before, I have days when I feel apprehensive, cautious and uncertain about the future. I am always wondering whether this cancer is gone or if it will return. Living with uncertainty is the most difficult aspect of living with the aftermath of cancer.
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Because I am looking better (whatever that means) I have noted that people around me often do not recognize the struggle I am experiencing, sometimes pain and despair; let alone the adjusting and recovering that I need to heal and regain my energy and my whole being. Some people expect me to return to normal before I am ready but some do understand (what is normal anyway? I keep asking). These days, I like saying that I am selfish. I put myself first! I listen to my body and give priority to taking care of my physical and mental health. I do pay attention to what I am capable of, including avoiding activities that are too much for me. I set my own pace as I rigorously plan for a gradual return to my former self. Thank God I have been blessed with an amazing job where I am treated with utmost compassion and care and I enjoy the flexibility of being able to work from home when I am not feeling well. I do feel incredibly supported and for that I am eternally grateful.</div>
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Last week, despite all the gym toning and exercise, I had been feeling really fatigued and lacked the vigor necessary to manage minimal daily tasks. Just that frightening place where the old certainties and norms are gone and I seemingly keep pandering to look at the world afresh. I took two days off to rest and still did not feel better. Instead, I developed a fever which I ignored at first until I noticed a painful swelling on my left jaw- the exact same sport where the tumour suckers were. I have a lump the size of a marble on my lower jaw and aaarrgggh!! it hurts. I immediately called my chemo oncologist and got a voice message that he was away until next week. Then, I called my radiation oncologist who asked me to go in and see him immediately. He was not sure what was going on. He prescribed antibiotics for seven days and ordered blood work to rule out any infection. Why do I keep forgetting that chemo knocked down my immune system? By Friday the swelling appeared bigger and my left ear is very sore. Am I scared? Absolutely! Am I panicking? Absolutely not! I am calling this one a challenge not a crisis. Hopefully, the antibiotic will take care of this bump in the ride and the morphine is handling the pain. There, the emotional and physical part of Hodgkins recovery continues. A luta Continua! (Portuguese phrase meaning "the struggle continues").<br />
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Like a good sport, I will therefore continue to share the ups and downs. So, the odd updates like this one will continue. Here is the thing, while I would love to pop the champagne lets keep it on the ice until this news is confirmed by the blood work results and visible reduced swelling if it is just an infection. Rest assured, it is not all doom and gloom because there are times when I wake up feeling better than I did the day before. In my new normal, I am solely focusing on the principle of one day at a time understanding that the recovery process may be slow and gradual. So, I will continue holding onto faith, believing that change will come whenever that is. Meantime, I continue to live with intention and purpose, play with abandon, laugh more from the belly, appreciate all my family and friends and most of all live as if this is all there is. All in all, I recognize and am comforted that I am part of something greater than myself.<br />
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Until next time, do take time to pamper and be good to yourself.<br />
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">and Bliss...</span></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-size: x-large;"><br /></span>Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-31612254383378519272012-05-05T13:55:00.000-04:002012-05-05T15:15:28.186-04:00In Sheep's Clothing....<i>How can you think of saying, "Friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in you eye, when you can't see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye, then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your frend's eye (Luke 6:42).</i><br />
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Have you ever come across certain people at the work place who pretend to be all smiles and nice in your face. But, the minute you turn your back the daggers are all out??? Unfortunately, I have got one or more of these I am dealing with currently and I have gone home with severe headaches. So, to relieve my stress, I decided to hit the library and came up with George Simon's book, "In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People". Quite an interesting read I must say and a hit on the bulls eye! Granted, stress is the last thing I need to check off my bucket list of goals of healing. (Studies show stress hormones make it easier for malignant tumours to grow and spread). Of course, I don't want that to happen! So, I decided to expand my consciousness because the last time I had such experiences of underhanded ways people fight in their daily endeavours was in high school. You know when you had these two mean girls constantly ganging up on you in high school? Thats how it feels - AWFUL!!!! And by the way, I looked up underhanded and here is what I came up with: lack of straightforwardness and honesty in action, craftiness, deviousness, shadiness, shiftiness, slyness, sneakiness. Phew! that sounds absolutely awful and distasteful!<br />
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How does this play out? Don't ask for my opinion then get mad when I tell you how I feel and you intentionally throw in those sarcastic jabs in response. Why do you seem to relish in taking verbal jabs at me? Sarcasm is defined as "to tear flesh, gnash the teeth or speak bitterly". Wow! How sad... Isn't that hypocritical? I think it is because hypocrites are deceitful and phoney. Professing one set of beliefs while living by another. Other scenarios are when the aggressor refuses to admit that they have done something hurtful and play the "Who.... Me.. Thats not what I meant..?" tactic inviting the victim to feel unjustified in confronting the aggressor about the inappropriateness of a behaviour whether its insensitivity, gossiping, backstabbing or the usual shadiness. Mind you, these individuals use backstabbing tactics only fit for losers. These individuals already believe that they are smarter and completely superior to humanity as a whole. They are narcissist, selfish and self centered. They are always telling everyone they are good hearted, they love peace and love everyone to get along. Blah blah blah Bullshit! excuse my French! They carry their angel wings, halo and fluffy white robe like they are the best thing God ever created. If you catch them they always have a story which does not make any sense at all. They run for positive lime light and like roaches scurry for darkness when the results for negative behaviours are being served. Their motivation is to look good at any cost. I think you are getting the drift of what I am saying.... These are toxic people who like to accuse, tantrum, manipulate and smear their way to getting their way or causing a fight. Their out of control emotions and self-centredness make the blame game and the smear campaign two of their favorite tactics for keeping you engaged with them so they can feed off you. These shady characters love to point fingers and never accept responsibility for anything. They make a lot of noise. Like my mother used to say, an empty can makes a lot of noise - it is true because their mouth is always going and going.....they are loud...blabbermouths and you wonder when they are you going to shut up??? Oh! God! Sometimes I just need my quiet moments because they are my healing moments.<br />
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Anyway, my philosophy in life is simple; I believe life is too short to wake up with any regrets. So, I love the people who treat me right and I forget about the ones who don't. I guess I have reached a place in my life where I just need to let go of all the pointless drama and the people that create it and surround myself with people who make me laugh such that I forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy. I have learnt that many people are like garbage trucks. Running around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger and full of disappointment. As the garbage piles up these people look for a place to dump it. And if you let them they will dump it on you. My two cents, when someone wants to dump on you don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well and keep it moving. Believe me, you'll be happier. Do you often engage with people who take pleasure in
espousing crazy talk, negativity or languishing in the past? Here is my piece
of advice, if you are surrounded by the former, I recommend weeding your
personal garden of buzz kills, complainers, controllers and drama queens. Today, as I move forward, I just let go of these toxic people whom I just met yesterday and are trying to bring garbage and toxicity into my life. So, I am dropping the rope immediately and walking away. I just remembered I am surrounded by abundant love - my amazingly huge family and friends! So, letting go feels liberating, exhilerating and empowering. I feel renewed! Until next time, be kind to yourselves....<br />
<br />Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-4260857722066556152012-05-04T23:27:00.002-04:002012-05-05T09:44:03.797-04:00Reclaiming My Life.....Hello good people! I cannot believe time has gone by so fast. I have settled well in my new job and continue to negotiate my health and my new normal. Who can forget that tumultuous year that just passed? I could hardly wait to get back to a normal life again. But, what is normal anyway? The more days go by, the more I find myself speaking about this cancer journey in the past tense about what was quite an ordeal. I hate cancer because of what I went through, and I hate cancer because it continues to take many lives. I hate cancer period! But most of all, I hate the positive attitude idea that "Oh you can beat this/Oh you did beat this!" that people tend to throw around without much thought. And recently I have met people who think they know so much about grief and its related losses. Dear God! why do people always think they hold answers to everything? But, then I remembered, "to think you know already is the logic of fools!" It is hard for people to understand that positive thoughts are not enough when you embark on this seemingly unending journey. If you ask me, it is impossible to put any space in between yourself and the disease. Yeah my hair is gradually growing back and my energy will eventually come back but, until the day I die, I will always live with the fear that this cancer will recur. Thats the thing about cancer, things are never ruled out forever. But, for now all is well and thats good enough for me.<br />
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Once I was able to start working, I thought I had marked the end of my journey with Hodgkins Lymphoma. But, the truth is I am learning day by day that I just embarked on another leg of the trip. This trip I just embarked on is called adjusting to life as someone in partial remission. In many ways, it definitely is not like the life I had before or envisioned because it is very different. I prefer to call it my new normal for many reasons. I am healing but don't feel 100%. Of course, I would like my daily routine to return to the way it was before my illness but that is a tall order. So, I am learning to set new expectations and priorities for myself while redefining my life. I am learning to be kind to myself and focusing on what I can do - just pacing myself. Most of all, I am learning to embrace the future!<br />
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First off, cumulative chronic fatigue is the biggest issue that confronts me. Just extreme tiredness and lack of energy. Usually it comes on suddenly not because I have been working hard but because it is this overwhelming spell that engulfs you leaving you speechless and helpless.. By the way, sleep does not relieve it. You still feel tired despite an excellent night's rest. I can only describe this fatigue as paralyzing and debilitating. My oncologist calls it "cancer fatigue"and could go on for a year or longer. Say what??? Like I need to hear some issues to deal with when you think the journey is coming to an end. Fatigue has become my constant reminder of my cancer. Before this whole journey I never comprehended the difference between fatigue and tiredness. I have used them interchangeably in the past. But, now I do know the difference between the two concepts. Everyone gets tired especially after a hard day's work and we know why we are tired. But, for me, this fatigue is not that precise. I feel a daily lack of energy, an unusual or excessive whole body acute tiredness which cannot be relieved by sleep. So, what that means is, this fatigue does have a profound negative impact on my ability to function normally and my quality of life does not always feel in sync.<br />
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In spite of the above, I have instituted helpful changes and new choices in my new normal. Apart from being kind to myself, I found eating healthy and regular exercise life changing. I care about what I eat and strive to buy organic food as much as possible. Oh, how I wish I was back home where everything is organic! Now, I read the ingredients on food ensuring that I dont pollute my body with unnecessary junk, rampant steroids found in the North American chicken that look abnormally huge for anyone's liking. The list includes fruits that seem to never go bad because they are rubbed with pesticide preservatives. Where do I shop you must be wondering. There are several farmer's markets around the city and it does not hurt to make a trip and just do the right thing.
On the other hand, I have found regular moderate exercise to decrease the feeling of fatigue. After exercising I feel this burst of energy which I cannot explain. Exercise helps me feel energetic and stay active. It is my way of getting rid of tension in a most positive way.<br />
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So, until then you better stay tuned because I am back with a vengeance!<br />
<br />Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-85323232942960903952012-04-13T04:31:00.001-04:002012-04-15T17:56:27.041-04:00Life After TreatmentWow! My last blog was in February and it sure feels like ages! Well, I am still here pushing on and keeping on! I can't believe I have not posted for such a long time. People think cancer diagnosis is a crisis, others think treatment itself is a crisis. I am here to let y'all know the end of treatment can be a crisis too! I have been in a crisis mode lately. My new normal is very different. My values and priorities have changed significantly in terms of this new lease of life or rather a second chance that others did not get. But, with starting a new job, I suddenly realized how much self worth I had lost. I found myself doubting my capacity to take on this challenge given my fragile health.... I did feel doubts creeping in. The truth is I have been doing a lot of reflection for the past month, ummm.. I mean worrying - like most cancer survivors will tell you. Even though I completed treatment, I continue to worry and have these hundred questions in my head. I keep asking myself, Am I cured? Why do some lymph nodes feel enlarged? Is the disease still there? Can it come back again? Oh! boy! the nerves are still here. But, for sure I am doing just fine. Thank you my friends and family for continuing to hold me during those times when my spirit is weak and feeble. I could not do this alone!<br />
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Update on my new job. I love my new job because it is a combination of working with wonderful personalities and I love what I do. Am I allowed the bragging rights? Well, I got blessed with this amazing job with full medical and dental benefits where I am treated so well I cannot even begin to describe it enough. My supervisors and my colleagues are nothing but just what the doctor ordered. Not only a unionized environment but the most loving and caring people I have ever come across! I can attend my doctor's appointments without stress and I can work from home when I am not well. Literally, I feel like I am working with my family members. So, how cool is that?<br />
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The good news is I just saw my doctor last week and was told that I am in partial remission. Remission does not mean cure, it just means the tumours are largely reduced. Doctors are always wary to say you are cured because Lymphomas are known to recur. So Doctors wait for few years before they are confident that you disease will not return. Only after that can they tell you that you are cured. Just because the cancer is in remission does not mean the fight is over emotionally or physically. I continue to have good days and some bad days. I continue to struggle with aches and pains. I continue to struggle with fatigue but the gym is a great help in that regard. It gives me a burst of energy. I am still not able to produce saliva because of the radiation. So, what that means is I have to keep drinking fluids and have to keep waking up in the middle of the night lest my mouth falls apart. The radiation did a number on my teeth. My fillings fell out and I have seven cavities. You heard right! Who knew that this whole journey would cost me my teeth? Anyway, I have started having my weekly dental appointments and hopefully will finish at the end of this month.<br />
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Anyway, I am doing my best these days to stick to the script where I embrace the goodness of life and appreciate that I am alive. I am deeply grateful! The truth is I am not doing so with much conviction. I cannot deny the residue left by cancer on my whole being and moreso my psyche. I love though speaking in the past tense that I had cancer or I am a cancer survivor. It makes me feel really powerful and ignites a light in my heart. The bottom line for me is that I am just appreciating life. I am taking nothing for granted. So, what that means is I now have only good days or great days.Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-5695583365768195792012-02-27T23:28:00.000-05:002012-02-27T23:28:46.536-05:00New Day New BeginningYour present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start. <i>Nido Qubein</i><br />
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If someone had told me that today would be my first day at work, I would not have believed it. I would have received it as mockery because of the horrible way I have felt for a long time. But, hey, Joy comes in the morning. The Lord is blessing me with health and has opened a fulfilling opportunity; I have begun living a purpose driven life. Well, it feels so great to tell y'all that today was my first day at my new fabulous job! I had an amazing orientation and am already in madly in love with what lies ahead. I am surrounded by fabulous people just full of kindness and understanding of the journey I am coming from. Lots of accommodation and lots of everything that anyone can dream of reach your potential. I am so thrilled and am doing the happy dance.<br />
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Remember, I had told you that I am working on a new personal project. Well, you can now visit me on my other new website on www.http://nommo.ca Please visit and enjoy! If anyone is interested in making a contribution there are possibilities to join me in this collaboration as a guest and we can use the power of words to change the world!<br />
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Be well and stay tuned.....Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-22257091514231590642012-02-17T21:11:00.363-05:002012-02-25T21:38:16.429-05:00Epilogue - My Final ChapterI hold close to my heart the vivid memories of when this journey began. Apart from the tears and sadness, there were many life lessons learned. I recall searching the web for answers - big mistake if you ask me! I used to read a lot of cancer blogs on the internet and I got scared but at the same time I was inspired by other incredible people who had travelled the same journey or are still on the ride like me. What caught my attention was that most blogs just ended suddenly and I was left wondering what happened to those people. However, after I began to slack on my postings myself, I realized that once you start feeling better you lose that passion because of the excitement of getting back into the swing of things. I am going to keep this blog up because even though I dont have too much to report on, I will keep updating about how I am doing as I move to new projects. I have started working on a social work dot com that is going to be a real kicker. Follow me on my musings as a regular person making a lasting commitment to making a real difference in our world. You will not want to miss it for anything. Just stay tuned.....<br />
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Anyway, recently I was having an epic conversation with Tinashe and she was telling me how excited she was that I am feeling so much better now and I am able to run that treadmill, break a sweat and pump some iron at the gym. Then, she asked me if cancer had changed my life or what I would change going forward? Wow! I thought for a while - honestly, I remain ambivalent about my prognosis and cannot help but wonder what tomorrow brings. I have hated every day of this cancer nightmare, but I am appreciative of y'all for being there for me every step of the way. I have had more help than other people in my situation and I am grateful. Gratitude is what I have in my heart and in my spirit. Sorry, I digressed…. I pondered how has it changed me? I guess, I am more cognizant than ever that life is short and that it is important to grab hold of life everyday - appreciate it and give thanks that you have yet another day to breathe, laugh, love and enjoy just being... Knowing that life has an expiration date made me stop putting off doing the things that I love. You are wondering what things are those? I mean giving myself permission just to be silly. To do the things I used to enjoy when I was young like travelling, cycling, jogging and all the silly things that used to make me laugh. I will jump on the couch because it is there. I will bounce on the bed because I can. I will find new things to do. Make new friends, learn a new sport, ride a bike with my children who are avid cyclists already. I will give more hugs and say thanks for just being alive.<br />
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How has it changed me? Its interesting that, I have read about how after cancer, other people descend into depression or quit their jobs to reduce stress, some people turn vegetarian and give up alcohol. Others find God while for some relationships collapse. Thank God, my partner of six years never wavered. He held my hand, wiped my tears and stood by me selflessly. He is such a trooper and I love him to death. As for me? I am not going to sit here and start sounding all sentimental, mushy or philosophical. I just feel so blessed and am not shy to say that I am an overcomer. I never stopped dreaming big! Anyhow, once I got to learn and understand that Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is a result of very, very bad luck and is likely not related in anyway to lifestyle choices I decided, I am changing nothing because I love my life. Maybe, I will do more with each day and strive to get more out of each moment and to see the positive in most situations. I would like to eat more organic fresh vegetables and fruits, particularly from the farmer’s markets. I would like to be more physically active. And most important, take more vacations and just enjoy life. I will continue to follow my passion of being a social worker. Honestly, my life is more meaningful aligned to this abiding passion. I love being a social worker because for me, it is not a job but a vocation or calling. What’s more, it provides the tremendous satisfaction of helping others, which is, more than enough reward.<br />
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On a side note, I just accepted an amazing social work leadership job opportunity, amazing salary package, amazing team/colleagues and great working hours with an amazing health centre/clinic. Such is Amazing Grace! I am highly favoured and walking in the victory of God's sanctifying grace! It is faith and assured belief that made me sure of things I hoped for. I cannot believe that I am going back to work after one year hiatus. Phew!!! feels like it was two years. The idea of returning to work is giving me euphoria and I am loving it! Now, I do feel like I have control of my life once again. I just feel victorious and motivated to do an equally amazing job in this incredible role. I am so thrilled and cannot believe I am at this victorious place called HAPPY! Its funny how illness makes you feel hollow and empty inside. To be honest, during this experience, I did feel my confidence slowly slipping away. I experienced those weird moments of self doubt and defeat. But now, the sky is looking blue and I can see the rainbow shining brightly in the horizon! Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. I am happy because I am living and taking in every moment, embracing life and its complexities!<br />
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Admittedly, there are problems and sadness in life but our universe is full of abundance and boundless opportunities, if only we could see them. Trust me, the possibilities are without number! I am sure some of you are wondering What? How? When did that happen? Well, it all happened because like they say, when one door of happiness closes, many more open, but often we look so long at the closed door that we fail to see the one which has opened for us. My golden door opened last week and I boldly walked into the fountain of life. I refuse to be defined by cancer because I am more than cancer. I consider myself a winner and victorious given the circumstances. I am now unswervingly focused on my goal to be the change I want to see in the world as I pursue this amazing calling.<br />
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Remember, this is not a goodbye but just an epilogue – a final chapter to my journey we victoriously travelled together. I will continue to post about how my health is going. And stay tuned for the dot com which will have even more sizzling narratives of an ambivalent social worker aka survivor.<br />
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Be well, Be happy, Be kind and try to do one nice thing a day. You never know whose life you may touch today, tomorrow or ever.<br />
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As always, Stay tuned........Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-47572172331849594402012-02-12T23:09:00.109-05:002012-02-22T21:57:24.430-05:00The End is Near of this Cancer Journey!It been a while since I updated my blog. Many things have been happening since and all good I must say. After being sick in my last post, my oncologist nipped it in the bud. After taking antibiotics the balance returned. I have been feeling well and excited about the end of this journey.<br />
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First off, I must say that the end is near for me to beat this damn cancer. Great news! my CT scans came back with the tumours largely reduced and I require another extensive scan scheduled for March. Just hearing that piece of news is euphoric. Can you believe after treatment you have to get regular report cards. Its like school all over again. Once all is said and done you just want to know where you stand in terms of the magic words. I cannot wait for the doctor to utter those special words, "You are in remission!" Remission means that the lymphoma has been eliminated or reduced. When the tumour is completely gone, doctors call it "complete remission". When the tumour has been largely reduced but it still remains, it is called, a "partial remission". What is interesting about lymphoma is that even if your disease stands eliminated after treatment is over, it is still not called a cure. Why? I also asked. It is because lymphomas have a chance of recurring and often doctors will wait for a few years before being confident that the disease will not return. Only then can the doctor tell you that you are cured. I am scheduled for another appointment in March which is a few weeks from now. In any case, I am so thrilled that despite the speed bumps, I have been experiencing along the way, life is good! I am taking the life canvas and rewriting my own script particularly, how I feel it should look like. I am thinking, indeed, I am the great champion of my own life. Therefore, as my favourite philosopher Friedrich Nietzche states,"He who has a "why" to live can bear with almost any "how". I am at that special place where I am just trying to find the hows and moving on. Yeah, I am keeping it moving...<br />
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With the tumours largely reduced, surviving cancer and making it through the chemo and radiation are my major accomplishments so far. Now that I will be joining the special group of champions called survivors, I am finding new priorities in life, i.e. exercising to get my groove back and yes job hunting! I am ready to put all that graduate theory into practice. I have been frequenting the gym religiously and boy! its the best thing I have done for myself so far! I feel my groove is coming back, I do feel production of those endorphins being triggered and everything is coming together. I have less fatigue and more mentally alert than I have ever been. Its funny today I went to the gym very early in the morning and two very interesting people were running beside me on the treadmill. One special lady with a bald head whom I later learnt she completed breast cancer treatment in August but is still struggling with fatigue and all the other bull shit. I thought, wow! I am not alone! How fate keeps placing me in the right place at the right time. We instantly became friends and its funny how we have so much in common and so much to reminisce and laugh about. The other was a 68 year old man who was proud to share his age and how the gym has saved his life. Well, I am just so glad that this journey is coming to an end and all in all has been quite educational and life changing in many ways.<br />
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I am just glad to be here at this point and wishing I could drink a glass of champagne to celebrate the progress and ultimate good news.<br />
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Thank you for always listening to my rants!Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-80834770599512863882012-02-04T17:27:00.013-05:002012-02-04T18:31:29.442-05:00Confused, Trying to Figure Out....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5Kv7vqH-3xc/Ty1c-qaI8CI/AAAAAAAAASY/RSDdKX_hlHU/s1600/hopstal.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5Kv7vqH-3xc/Ty1c-qaI8CI/AAAAAAAAASY/RSDdKX_hlHU/s1600/hopstal.jpeg" /></a></div>Just trying to figure out.... Am I sounding like a broken record, that annoying repetitive track everyone is tired of hearing, which sounds like "I am sick, I am sick". Or is it that this horrendous journey is making me feel like I am losing it? Just wondering.... Or is this something that people go through after long periods of illness? I am tired of wondering.<br />
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Tinashe took that shot this week from my hospital bed when I was experiencing disorientation from a gravol shot. I must mention that I was also feeling exhausted from throwing up and just being pissed about not seeming to feel better. The funny part is, when she saw me throwing up she threw up also and suddenly it was like two convalescencing patients stuck in one room. We could not help ourselves but laugh hysterically. We both appreciated this moment of finding humour in a somewhat difficult situation. It also revealed how sad we were both feeling. We do keep revisiting this very unfortunate incident and still find ourselves laughing uncontrollably because it was funny as the nurses stood there confused but obviously affected by the dominor effect of the humour of it all and sharing in the amusement. So are the days of my life as we continue to enjoy the remnants of laughter even after all is said and done.<br />
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I have spent the past few days in hospital hooked up to an IV. After hoping the hospital visits were a thing of the past. Unfortunately that wish not yet granted. It appears I still have some hiccups here and there as the journey continues. The pain in my neck is just unbearable and I cannot stand the fever. But, no, I am not over the edge! I am just not feeling well but trying really hard to keep my head up and still looking forward to returning to normalcy mentally, emotionally and physically. Like I mentioned in my last post, I have been feeling crummy with that swelling on my neck coupled with the nerves. Every time I look in the mirror and see the recurring swelling on my neck, I become mushy and turn into an emotional wreck. Yeah, this whole thing is sending me into a tailspin. I keep thinking, Gosh! is that the tumour back or my imagination is going wild? What is going on? Yeah, just the fear alone of thinking maybe the treatment didn't work has been doing a number on me.<br />
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I keep thinking, Didn't I get a chemo/rad graduation recently? I feel ripped off right now because what was that celebration about? I feel like a hot mess for real! I know that I have tried to stay upbeat throughout the treatments but seriously, now that part is over, why am I feeling more afraid and worried than ever. I am scared and feel like the emotional plane is torpedoing. But, thanks to Tinashe my rock and pillar of support. I know that I am not impervious to the occasional downer, but she always manages to bring me back home to sanity where positive things happen. My Princess Tinashe, just keeps massaging my bruised ego and reminds me that I have a fighting spirit (which I am not sure sounds like me) and she keeps reminding me how strong I am and the resilience I have exhibited during not just this cancer journey but the day to day stresses and hassles of life in the past. Then, I start realizing that for sure, I always see the glass as half full even when it lies shattered on the ground. I take a deep breathe and I suddenly realize the importance of snapping out of it and allowing myself to live in the moment without worrying about the future or what could be.<br />
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The good news is, I am seeing my oncologist next week instead of the scheduled March. I cannot wait to go through all the tests again to make sure this is nothing but a glitch in my recovery journey. Until then, stay positive with me and remember, life is like an onion, you peel it off one layer at a time and sometimes we will weep. Not just tears of sadness, but sometimes, tears of joy from those rare moments where you find yourself laughing uncontrollably in the middle of despair. For me, those moments are more than just respite from sadness and pain but, a source of meaning and hope where courage and strength dwell. I find those particular moments healing and source of renewed strength to keep going. Such is the incomprehensible nature of life, as I continue to desperately search for those rare moments or flashes of clarity from the universe.<br />
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For now, as I anxiously wait for the doctor to give me a cancer remission pass, lets all just live and breathe deeply......Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5701130285425015203.post-21553391456471665582012-01-27T19:07:00.045-05:002012-01-31T21:45:22.460-05:00Sometimes, I Just Need a Hug<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wmy4CRTIN_0/TyiQb8ispbI/AAAAAAAAASQ/kFi0JQbpe04/s1600/sometimes+hug.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wmy4CRTIN_0/TyiQb8ispbI/AAAAAAAAASQ/kFi0JQbpe04/s1600/sometimes+hug.jpg" /></a></div>Its funny how when you finish treatment, you suddenly feel excited and start making plans of reclaiming your life back from this cancer ordeal. Well, not yet! All my plans with my personal trainer at the gym right through the window! Lately, whenever people say, how are you doing I find myself saying, "I am okay!" Weird, because I am not yet okay but want desperately to be okay. This week has not been my best. I started off the week with a fever which progressed into severe body aches. I hate taking painkillers because I have been doing that for almost a year already. Now, I keep thinking, how many more drugs before this is over?<br />
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My neck is swollen where the tumour was and that gives me the bhajibhas! I am a bundle of nerves, wondering did the tumour shrink or its still there? Am thinking, this ain't right why am I swollen again? See, the more reason I am trying to draw a blank on this one. I am having difficulty turning my head and my ear is pounding so bad. I am not going to reflect much about all this because I don't want to send myself into an unnecessary frenzy. Then, I developed nasty body aches which are just so intense that I do not wish to talk about it either. The back pain is causing me difficulty in walking and doing simple tasks. Sigghhhh......<br />
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Its interesting how you get used to being sick and all the aches that go with it. I had not taken all this seriously granted the doctor had informed me I might experience after chemo/radiation side effects. But, since these aches are not going away, I do have an appointment scheduled for next week. Hopefully, that will help allay my fears. Anyway, I just want all these aches and pains to go away. Most of all, my wish is that a cancer breakthrough is found that prevents cancer in the first place, so that no one ever has to go through these difficult things. I will continue to take baby steps and hang in there until I regain my strength and sanity. Until then continue to stay tuned....Dorothee Chopambahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02808635244408977369noreply@blogger.com0