Phew! Sometimes its hard to keep it together particularly when you don't know whether your health is taking a tumble or a turn. I find myself just needing to take a deep breath in order to get through the day and recognize that better days will come. Since my last post, I continue to struggle with the inflammation on my jaw, my neck and now I have difficulty swallowing. And, yes, because of the pain, I have trouble hearing with the affected side and the dry mouth has become more severe. It appears my situation has progressively gotten worse. My initial reaction when this recurred in February was to shut the thoughts up in some dark corner of my brain where possibilities of repressing memories are high. However, that didn't work at all. The anxiety continues to creep in everyday. And I continue to worry that,"what if the cancer is back?" This road my dear friends has been rough and rocky. I cannot fathom going through this again. I do not want to travel down this lonely and desolate path again. But, do I have a choice? Lately, my life has turned into series of more aches and pains. More Doctor visits, more antibiotics, more painkillers and more specialist visits. But, most overwhelming is the confusion and the worry. I now can recite different types of antibiotics with eyes closed. I know the various intensity of prescription pain killers.
So, today I just saw my doctor. I dislike every visit because of the fact that I have to step back in time and relive my cancer all over again. She dropped a bomb on me when she said, I have to request we do another biopsy again to make sure there is no new tumour growth on my neck. I closed my eyes because I saw myself tumbling down this very dark tunnel head first. I remembered the excruciating pain of my last biopsy which made me cry like a little baby. I was visibly shaken and felt all these intense emotions. I know I have to pull myself together. I cannot fathom going through that experience once again. My jaw dropped, I am embarrassed to report that I had an emotional meltdown. I cried, and cried some more when I got to work. As my boss held my hand comforting me, telling me I could take some time off. She cried too! (I love my work mates). A big shout out to my favourite Dr Steve Matlis my colleague who cares so much about my well being. I appreciate you so much! Oh dear, I had a major melt down! LOL! I still chock up every time I think or talk about it. Now, I don't feel like talking about it because it makes me want to cry some more. I feel emotionally numb.
Well, excuse me, I think right now I just need to take a moment and take that much needed deep breath. I feel like I am on some emotional roller coaster again. Even though I try to remember to appreciate everyday, it is hard to do that with this recurring lump on my neck. At the same time, I feel like all the dark days that I have been through have hardened me. I also fear that all the dark days are most likely to come. I do recognize that this whole journey affects everyone around me, my family and friends as well. I know I dont say this enough, I don't know what I would do or where I would be right now without your support. You give me courage and hope to stay positive and I am forever thankful for that. With that said, let me work on my emotions that have a tendency to drift from the safety and joy of the now to unfounded anxieties and scary memories of the past. Today, I am going to have some Sushi and go for a walk in Chinatown and smile because I know that simply breathing means - anything is possible.
