A Big Thank You!

Today I just want to appreciate three amazing friends I have made over the years who chose to surprise me with a mini party. Coming to visit me and celebrate our graduation together left me speechless. To, Kinnon all the way from Nova Scotia, Steph all the way from Oakville and Venece it does not matter that you live closer. I appreciate y'all so much for just being there with me on Friday to celebrate our accomplishments when you could have been anywhere else. I had a blast with y'all and I did not want the day to end. Even though I could not eat I appreciate all the treats and flowers you brought. I am just overwhelmed with gratitude for what you have done. I feel so blessed to have such amazing friends standing with me during this difficult time.

To the MSW class of 2011 and my professors, thank you for the beautiful card and the heartfelt messages that left me teary eyed. Thank you for surrounding me with so much love and support. I love you all. You know how they say some friends are gold those you have known longer while others are silver those you have known for a shorter while. I want y'all to know that you are all precious to me.

Second Chemo Update: Harder Than the First

I just had my second chemotherapy and it was harder than the first one. During the process, I felt more pain than the last time as the toxic stuff travelled through my veins. As a result, it took longer than the first one. We had to have some several intermissions as the chemo nurse flushed my veins with saline to alleviate the burning sensation and pain. A hot compress was also placed on my arm and it does help. As the chemo nurse is flushing my vein, I hear this bell ringing kinda like the church bells and I asked if we were having a church service. She laughed and told me this was tradition that every time a patient completes treatment they ring this big bell to celebrate completion of this painful process. I think this is fun and I cannot wait to do the onus. At that moment, I thought well, I should be ringing that bell because today is my graduation from the Masters in Social Work program. Again, congratulations to all my classmates. I wish you all the best! Sounds crazy but I did feel a tard sad because I missed my convocation and just being with my classmates today. Anyway, back to the major story, for some strange reason I felt nauseated throughout the session despite taking the anti-nausea medication before treatment. So, I took some more anti-nausea during chemo. All went well but leaving the clinic, I was just feeling really sore and light headed. I just wanted to head home and be in my bed. Getting home my mouth started feeling the usual burning sensation signifying mouth sores to come. But, now that I am equipped with relevant tools. Mouth washing several times with baking soda and salt in warm water really helps. I also have this Biotene mouthwash which Tapfuma got for me which is amazing. No, its a miracle worker.  I feel more tired than the last time and I have more aches and pains which is all expected. Until then, let me get some more rest.

Excited! I am Graduating from the Masters in Social Work Program!

Rather than being consumed by the sadness of cancer trials and tribulations, today I choose the first principle of transformation which calls us to appreciate ourselves.  I am appreciating my success by just recognizing my accomplishments so far. Not an easy task as I do not wish to sound narcissistic! But, I am taking this very special moment to just acknowledge and give myself deep appreciation of who I am in this world. Yes, peepo, tomorrow is my BIG DAY! I am graduating from the Masters in Social Work program at Ryerson University, Toronto, Canada www.ryerson.ca. Unfortunately, the devastating impact of chemotherapy on my fragile health prevent me from walking the stage and rocking that fabulous bald head as promised. I will rock it in spirit though. But, hey, I am so happy to take this opportunity to celebrate this major milestone with all my classmates. A milestone that included sacrifices, tears, successes including disappointments here and there. To my classmates, a graduation is such an important and rare moment which allows us to celebrate our accomplishments individually and collectively. Lets put on our armour as we all prepare for new experiences and adventures; Continuing with the script, writing the next chapter of our lives which may be scary, stressful or exciting. But, I know we all have what it takes to confront this rocky world. However, I must admit, though the MSW journey was arduous and long, it was worth every bit! A big shout out to ya'll Graduates! and Congratulations MSW Class of 2011! You are the bomb! I wish you all the best! I feel honoured and humbled to be included among the 35 most extraordinary social innovators; movers and shakers who take my breath away. Now, go out there and and be the change we want to see in this world.

As I reflect and introspect, I am filled with emotion as I still cannot fathom how I managed to complete my thesis which was arduous and taxing. It stretched my limits as it involved a lot of research, conducting emotional interviews, transcribing, writing and sleepless nights while at the same time climbing this cancer mountain. How can I forget my taxing clinical social work job at a hospital during all this! Honestly, often, I felt like I was jogging on a treadmill that has no stop button. I could not have done it without the support of my thesis supervisor Dr. Jennifer Poole, my mentor extraordinaire who kept me focused! I am still in awe of her patience as I muddled through the sticky mud and maze of a thesis journey. I just blinked and shed a little bit of tears, because this Masters journey has come full circle and feels surreal. A full circle for a humble girl from Harare, Zimbabwe who dared to dream big, travelled the globe as a diplomatic international civil servant for eleven years with a re-known International Development Bank and ultimately turning into an international citizen without borders. And, most of all dared not to quit at every turn of the moment; Always looking at obstacles as an opportunity to remove limits. And, always knowing that winners are not those who never fail, but those who never quit. I did all this because my strength lies in my tenacity and recognition that living for a higher purpose increases abundance. Who said you stop dreaming just because you are ill?

To, my children, Tinotenda, Tinashe and Tapfuma, I liken you to the air that I breathe. You are my everything! And, you were my biggest cheerleaders during this tough thesis journey picking me up when I almost gave up! Thank you for your immeasurable and calm support. This diploma belongs to you too for playing different roles in your own different ways!  I could not have done this without ya'll. This diploma signifies obstacles I have overcome in the past and those I continue to negotiate in the present. My goal remains the same, overcoming and singing "Victorious!" at the end of it all. The truth is - this Masters experience, allowed me to discover more about myself. Specifically, that I am capable of doing so much more than I care to give myself credit for. Most important, I made life long friends who continue to fervently support me during my own new chapter of this cancer journey. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate ya'll!

Through all this, my motivation was a simple goal to achieve and succeed. This goal led to culmination of wearing this strange convocation outfit and recognition of the journey that I have walked to be here today. I have finally achieved my Masters Degree - my life long dream. This, stands as a constant reminder to myself, that no matter how tough this cancer journey may be, I have what it takes. I have overcome so much obstacles already to be here today. With this big achievement I just want to shout out, Hoorah! and do the Happy Dance at the same time. But, I will save myself the strain caused by unexplainable pain and neuropathy for now. Yes, for now, because once I get my groove back, you betcha! I am gonna do just that and more celebrate -with swagga. Just the idea that I am graduating tomorrow motivates me to want to beat this cancer even much more. I cannot wait to be that change needed in the world. So, this is my story of triumph and delight ya'll! I will continue to be a champion who gets up, even when I am unable. So, remember peepo, when you reach the end of your rope, just tie a knot and hang on.... Remember to stay motivated no matter your obstacles. Stay tuned.....

I Have Neuropathy - Feels Like Pins and Needles

I hope you will all bear with me as these pins and needles attack my hands and feet. I have neuropathy one of the dreaded side effects of chemotherapy treatment. I feel like someone is poking me continuously with pins and needles at the tip of my fingertips and my toes.  It hurts and disables me from doing the simple things I love to do like typing for example. After my first round of chemo, my arm where I had the IV has been very sore for the past week and a half and I could not lift it up. This weekend, I thought now that the arm is feeling better, I can celebrate normalcy a bit. But, not so fast, three days ago, I started feeling nerve pain, tingling and burning sensation in my fingers and toes. I could not type or do simple stuff. I thought well, maybe this will go away. But, the tingling has now turned into loss of sensation.

So, I saw my Oncologist today who explained that this was a chemo side effect called chemo induced peripheral neuropathy where nerves that transmit sensation from the extremities to the central nervous system are damaged. Peripheral nerves are responsible for sensations you feel such as touch, pain or temperature. I know, it sounds like jargon, I just heard, central nervous system blah blah blah. Anyway, the bottom line is I have lost sensation in my fingers and toes making it hard for me to type. I guess, for me now the need for treatment is more urgent than the residual nerve damage. It may go away or may get worse. So, for now, I will cope with this neuropathy and make the best of my situation. With that said, I hope you will all bear with me when I delay to post as I manage and try to cope with this new neurological development. While I have lost sensation in my fingers and toes, the good news is I have dramatically experienced weight loss of 10 pounds in a short space of time. I thought wow! this cancer is doing a real "Zumba Fitness Party" number on me. When the nurse said this is too much sudden weight loss I think we should speak to the doctor about it. I was like, "Hell no! Do you know how much I have been working out in the gym before all this cancer stuff just to lose a mere pound?" We really laughed about this and it dawned on me that, I may have a difficult cancer journey but at the end of it all, I am gaining something effortlessly. Everyday holds a possibility of a miracle.... So, for everything I have missed, I am gaining something else. Until then, I will continue to walk this purple journey with much grace and determination....

Look Good Feel Great

I apologize for going missing in action! Let me tell ya'll when you are going through chemotherapy treatment its like you accept a new normal. Things do get rough at times where some days you just crawl through and some days you just want to forget. So, I am taking one day at a time and embracing it all, the good and the bad and the ugly as a way to move ahead. I always thought I had pretty good concept of living one day at a time before, but I can assure ya'll, now this concept is even more true for me than ever before. Now, I start each day with thankfulness instead of whining and moaning. I try to look for joy and humour in each day. It is working and I am glad for this new me. Well, don't get me wrong, this does in no way mean my days of bitching and whining are over. It simply means my priority now is finding joy and beauty in each day and hopefully try to wake up every morning with a smile.

This week I had the pleasure of attending a "Look Good Feel Better Workshop" for women with cancer courtesy referral by my lovely Oncologist. I am so glad I attended this free workshop because its totally what I needed. For anyone going through the same cancer journey, this organization is international and you can google and find your location. There is a special bonding and feeling you experience when you are among other cancer warriors. The experience is eye opening as you receive wisdom from others as they share their journeys with you and you realize that you are all on the path to finding your best in life.So, here is the thing, The Look Good Feel Better is a charitable foundation of the Canadian Cosmetic, Toiletry and Fragrance Association. It is dedicated to empowering women with managing the effects of cancer and treatment on appearance and morale. I must say, the workshop does exactly what it means, you will look good and you will feel better after spending time with other women with different kinds of cancer in a safe and supportive environment.

We shared stories, insights, we had laughter and yes, sometimes tears but in the end we all left feeling so good about ourselves. No wonder they call it "makeover for the spirit". The highlight of the workshop is the step by step instructional on how to do a makeover led by cosmetology professionals using products donated by the cosmetic industry. At the end of the workshop we all took home instruction booklets and complimentary cosmetic kits (big box) valued at US$500. In fact, I have not finished checking everything out its so much from cleansers, foundation, face powder, cuticle cream, eye cream, lipstick etc, etc. Oh Gosh! it is so much. I really appreciated this makeover for my spirit and the cosmetic kit was a bonus! After the makeover, we went through a session of different ways to tie our bald heads with scarfs without using a mirror. We also had an opportunity to see different kinds of specialty scarfs available to us. Now, I have become religious in making sure I look good whether I am in the house or going for doctor appointments because that is what it means to live each day as if it is the last - to stop worrying about the future because it has not yet come. Therefore, staying in the present and just making it beautiful and worth remembering is the name of the game. Remember, life is not a rehearsal - every moment counts. I am learning to live life to the fullest and making a concerted effort to remember to wake up each day with a smile. Maybe you can all try to do the same. Until then......

Goodbye Sister Locs (very thin dread locs) Hello Baldy Head

That's a shot of me embracing my bald swagga! Tapfuma thanks for that great shot and making me feel better after the ordeal! When it comes to losing hair, I must admit, the truth of the matter is it can be a very emotional experience. You will all recall how I have been stressing about losing my hair and how many times the Oncologist, nurses, case manager, the list goes on and on. Oh Gosh, this hair thing appears to be a hot topic in cancer treatment. They all advised me that hair loss was inevitable and that I should be prepared emotionally and mentally. Although annoying, I am glad I was reminded of this at every appointment as it allowed me time to process my emotions. So the A in my ABVD chemo treatment is the drug that causes hair loss. This occurs because of how chemotherapy targets all rapidly dividing cells i.e. the dividing cancer cells including the healthy cells. Who knew, hair cells are the fastest growing cells in the body. If you are not undergoing chemotherapy your hair follicles divide every 23 to 73 hours. How about that? Gosh! Scientific evidence has a way of really encouraging when doubt starts to creep in.

As soon as I knew chemotherapy and radiation would be part of my treatment regimen, instead of waiting for the inevitable I went to the barber and had my hair buzzed. I am glad I did because after my first chemo my mouth was burning and my head was burning and itchy. I thought gee! why am I having all the side effects simultaneously. I later learned that the burning is the beginning of hair falling off and the burning in my mouth turned into sores. I could not imagine seeing my locs falling off one by one. That would have been tragic. That experience, I knew would have caused me great emotional distress. So I made a pre-emptive choice and truth be told, it was empowering and exhilarating. This move allowed me an emotional advantage and for once I felt in control of part of my roller-coaster journey. In fact, it appears my partner took my hair loss more badly than I did. What I told myself was that this bald head may be outside societal norms but, at the end of the day I was like hey, I am beautiful with or without the hair. I kept telling myself that my hair will eventually grow back again even prettier. I say so because I believe when you lose your hair through chemo it does not come back the same - it comes back usually thicker but more curly and soft. So, my mental image of regrowth is that of even more beautiful curly hair who knows I may soon be donning a new look altogether. I can assure you, there was no pity party - no nothing just getting down to business and allowing the feeling of sadness to engulf me and allowing it to pass. After that process, I embraced my going bald and now I am looking for scarfs and hats that can rock my new look - maybe a wig who knows. I decided what the heck? Why stress about my hair after all the same toxic chemotherapy is hopefully giving me a new lease of life? So, Amen to that! All in all, a bald head is the least of my problems. I am holding on tightly to that life rope, rocking my bald head and keeping my chin up!

Happy Thanksgiving Ya'll!

Everyday is a new beginning. Today I woke up with low energy but with a renewed spiritual energy and fully aware that going forward I needed to count my blessings one lovely time at a time. It dawned on me that life's hurricanes and earthquakes are part of blessings. I became cognizant of how forgetting to count blessings can cause an intense fog that stops you from seeing the good in your life. To my nieces Hermana (UK), Tendayi (Boston) and my dear friend Krissy (Victoria, BC) thank you for the lovely messages. My dear sisters Charity Majuru (UK) and Connie Kadiyole (Indiana), thank you for giving me such a wonderful thanksgiving gift.  Moreblessing (UK), I appreciate you so much. Thank you for the gift! Esther Guzha (Toronto)(you such a selfless person thank you for being in my life. You are always there cleaning and taking me to the doctor and attending to my silly whims) and your son Sifelani (Toronto), what can I say thank you so much for the gift of love. (thats why they say kuwanda huuya! or Ubuntu!) I can't even translate that into English otherwise it will lose its profound meaning. But, I will try for my friends who do not understand the indigenous languages of Southern Africa. Ubuntu is a Southern African philosophy that speaks to the essence of being human, that in this world we do not exist alone because we are all interconnected. A person with Ubuntu is known for their generosity.

I am eternally grateful that though I may feel lonely at times, the truth is I am not alone. With your constant support, I am self-assured that I belong to a greater whole. I appreciate your shared concern and support. You all reminded me how truly blessed I am. You helped me remember that when you count your problems and if for some strange reason they out-number your blessings, then you need to count again because the chances are that the things (blessings) I may be taking for granted were not added to the list. Yes, counting my blessing includes the good, the bad and the ugly. As I focused on my blessings, within a short space of time I felt my spirits lifted on high. That is when I realized that its very easy to get lost in stuff that has not happened or the what ifs of life. For real, it is easy to get lost in the fog and trivial life stressors such that we become blinded to the wonders that are the everyday blessings that pour magic into our lives. I am truly grateful and acknowledge the tremendous blessings in my life. I feel enveloped by love and the tremendous out-pour of support I am receiving from family and friends. I have so many things to be grateful for. The list is endless! I am grateful even for the warmth of my bed and the roof over my head. I am counting all my blessings one by one, daily and hourly because I know, those who are a blessing to me today maybe gone tomorrow. So, I embrace and I appreciate ya'll! Most important, I am grateful that each day given to me is a blessing, even those days that I have whined and bitched about how I am feeling all crappy or weepy. I have able hands to drive, carry my shopping bags and even write these words and share with others. I have a mouth to speak and a voice that can be heard without fearing someone will silence me at any point. I am still kicking ass! With that said, I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!