Third Chemotherapy Update

Today, I had my third chemo and I have nothing pleasant to report. I started feeling nauseated just when I started treatment. Aaarrgghh..I felt so weak and just sick today. And then to make the whole process even more annoying my oncology nurse was male and he had this really weird attitude which really aggravated me. Yeah, I was really ticked off! I may be sick but being patronized is one of my biggest pet peeves. One of the manifestations of such patronizing attitude is when people call me names such as, "honey, darling, sweetie or dear". These manifestations come off as an insecure way of subtly putting me beneath you.

So, my Oncology male nurse kept calling me 'sweetie'. You should have seen me, I was simmering under my breath and just kept my cool through mentally counting backwards from 10 to 1. I swear I wanted to deck him between the balls. How rude! Sweetie is not a term of endearment. As far as I am concerned it is condescending and demeaning. Not only is it condescending and sexist but it just means you don't take me seriously as a mature adult. I hate being called sweetie or any other name that is primarily used when speaking to children. I wondered what a nerve! If he was not in a position of power today where he had a needle in hand and administering these toxic drugs through my vein, seriously we would have had a show down. Personally, I feel like its completely inappropriate for anyone to use the term sweetie especially to a stranger let alone a patient. And then, he started talking non stop about his person life. I just wanted to yell, "Shut the f**k up!" I was not feeling well neither was I in the mood for small chit chat about nothing. There, that is my rant and rave for today.

I must say, each chemo is harder than the previous. The only way I can describe this experience is, "Nightmare!" This experience is just life changing and intrudes on every single thing. Each day is a struggle to live through the side effects which seem to get worse with each chemotherapy session. Ya'll chemo sucks! After the chemo ordeal, I am feeling really sick and just need my bed. Allow me some shut eye and will write more soon. Thank you for your patience....

Appointment Pre-chemo

Today, I had my usual regular appointment pre-chemo with my Oncologist. Every two days before chemo I am scheduled first to do the blood work and the results are immediately sent to the Oncologist for review. When someone is undergoing chemotherapy a lot hinges on the blood results that precede each chemotherapy session. Therefore, low counts can indicate serious side effects and can mean that treatment must be postponed while the body heals. So, I did the blood work first and thereafter went to see my Oncologist. The good news is...Drum-Roll people! my blood counts were fine which means my chemotherapy session is on for this Wednesday. My Oncology checked me out and is happy with the progress so far. The tumour is shrinking and does not appear as visibly large as it was before. Now, thats what I am talking about. Stay tuned.....

Compassion Matters

Today I received a very inspiring email from my best friend Sam who is on an international volunteer teaching post at a University in Dakar, Bangladesh. She liked one of my previous posting about my appointment with the Radiation Oncologist, particularly how this doctor made me feel given not only my foul mood but that it was my first time to see him. And he was able to make me lose the attitude and enjoy the whole experience. Sam, thank you for being my rock and my inspiration. Most of all, I am so proud of you for the work you are doing over there. You are giving a gift that keeps on giving! You are the epitome of what I call compassionate in every sense! Not only that, when you learned about my cancer diagnosis, you flew all the way from BC to Toronto and spend a whole week with me accompanying me to doctors' appointments and just making me laugh. You are so amazing and I appreciate you so much! I just want to let you know that things you do for me do not go unnoticed. You are  a necessary piece to my puzzle of life. I love you and I miss you so much....

Anyway, as someone now very much aware of the feelings provoked by this concept, which is often loosely used. I felt compelled to just reflect and ask what does "Compassion" really mean? The basic definition of compassion is simple awareness of suffering of others and wish or desire to want to relieve that suffering. I am thinking that very definition really sounds superficial. It sounds like typical pageant response that, "I want to save the world". I hate to say it but that statement is disrespectful and condescending. People need to be "Empowered" not "Saved". People are not money that can be saved in a bank account thank you very much! Lets, get back to compassion. How can someone relieve someone's situation? Not an easy task because it is very easy in the process to become pitiful and dis-empower the other person. I don't know if I even want to discuss pity because that word leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Pity is just about feeling sorry for the person for whatever they are experiencing without necessarily being able to understand their situation. I think pity is judgemental and more-so a negative attitude that may include aloofness from the person suffering or worse still condescending.

Anyway, some humanitarian intentions are often filled with good intention, but I am sorry, once you put "saving and pity" in the mix, it just sounds so phony. Personally, I would simply define compassion as "suffering with". I feel that compassion is more about feeling with someone rather than just feeling for them. In my book of experience, compassion is trying to put yourself in my shoes for instance. How about just trying to enter my situation from my position, kinda like walk a mile in my shoes. Most important, compassion is dynamic and transcends empathy. You feel it deep inside your stomach and are moved to do something about whatever situation provoked those feelings in the first place. Until then, stay compassionate and walk a mile in other people's shoes. Because, people may not always remember what you did or what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel.

Anticipatory Anxiety prior Every Chemo Session

Today is one of my best days I like to call normal - if anything like that exists at all. I woke up feeling upbeat and normal. I just cooked a nice crockpot of cream of broccoli soup in the picture. Given, anything that tastes like meat has become tasteless and bland, I will stick to vegetarian for now. Even though it makes me feel good to be able to say that I am feeling at my best after a long while, I cannot shake off this depressing anticipatory anxiety which always starts to creep in a few days before D-day. My next chemo round is scheduled for next Wednesday. Just saying that makes me feel so anxious already. I can feel the knots and the churning in my stomach. Like I said before, my stress and anxiety levels start to increase particularly starting from the weekend preceding my next round of chemo. These feelings come just when you think things are getting better. To tell the truth, I cannot seem to get any rest from the dread of chemo because I know it gets worse every time. This dread starts as soon as I am feeling better like today. This whole  freaking out will continue until Wednesday next week and the vicious circle begins all over again.

Anyway, after my last chemo, I spent six days unable to eat with horrible sores in my mouth, nauseated and no appetite. I have mentioned in a previous blog how I know for sure that I will NEVER eat canned soup again. Today, I decided to prepare home made soup and freeze it in preparation for my ordeal next week when the ordeal starts afresh. I made this cream of broccoli soup from scratch and I really felt good knowing that I have this part of the ordeal under control. At least I don't have to worry about sucking on ice chips for days on end. Anyway, I suppose I should stop whining because I have only two more treatments to go before I start radiation. What I hate is people telling me 'Oh, you only have two more to go that should not be so hard!'  I want to yell, "What do you know and punch you in the face". Just open your ears and shut up because noone except someone who has had my experience knows how this whole shit feels. Here is the thing, each chemo session is worse than the previous. So, I have no intention of looking forward to any because its like telling someone to look forward to a slow death. Until next time...... Stay tuned.....

Happy Birthday Tinashe!

Today is my daughter Tinashe's birthday. What can I say that I have not said already. This girl has been there with me from the beginning of this journey and to tell the truth, I don't know what I would have done without her.

My Dearest Tinashe,

The chocolates are supposed to make you salivate since you love anything chocolate!

I know that I have already written a special letter to you earlier on during this journey. So, I promise to keep this one short so that I do not sound redundant or philosophical. Today, you are 27 and I cannot believe it was just yesterday that you were saying, "Mum, I cannot wait to be an adult".  I just feel like I blinked and you turned 27. Time seems to have just gone by so fast. I seem to have blinked and you went from being a baby girl to a young woman experiencing the independence and bliss of navigating the ocean of life figuring out what your path in life is. But, I like to remember the momentous day you were born. On that day, I became the happiest mother alive. You gave me the experience of a lifetime that holds the deepest and most treasured place in my heart.  Every mother's dream to tie ribbons and shop for cute little dresses. Did you know that its easier to shop for girls than boys? You have influenced me and given me a purpose and reason to discover my own potential in order to show you by example how I want you to live your life. Together, we have learned that the future has the potential to drastically alter our priorities. When we learned that I had cancer, the trials and tribulations of everyday gave way to what was most important. We both learned that sometimes, the things we deem as "so important" can become trivial when reality hits home and can see life and death held in front of you. So, live in the moment because you don't know what tomorrow brings.

When I look into your eyes, I see wealth of possibilities bubbling over. The sky is the limit for you! I am so incredibly proud of you!You have amazed me with your intelligence, determination and talent. Whatever you do going forward, do it with your heart. I have no doubt that you are smart and capable to do anything you want as long as you set your mind to it. Never allow anyone to beat you down. And NEVER settle for second best because you deserve the best of the best. Always remember that with love comes both the sweet and the sour. Always listen to your heart and not the nay sayers. Remember that our future is often defined by our choices and not by chances we make along the way. You will find that everyone in your world may have an opinion but at the end of the day, it is up to you to decided what you want or what will make you happy. If you make a mistake, have the courage to admit it. The truth is, it does not matter whether you are forgiven or not. What matters is that you took responsibility. Always remember that no matter how bad a mistake you may make, or pain or regret it may cause, the people who truly love you will see past it because you matter to them more than you may fully realize. Most important, live each day as if it were your last. Believe in yourself and in your dreams.  Always have hope and love will most certainly find you.

Happy, happy Birthday baby girl, I wish you a million days that reflect the possibilities that lie ahead. So, on this beautiful day, my wish for you is that you find the path that leads you to the abundant life you want. May you find the courage and strength to create the world you want for yourself. May you find true love and happiness in one man who deserves you. And, remember, whenever you need me, I will be there for you always. I will always love and you will always be my beautiful baby girl, my one and only Princess.

I love you with all my heart.

Mom

First Appointment with Radiation Oncologist

After my last appointment with my Chemo Oncologist, he had advised me that he was going to schedule an appointment for me to see the Radiation Oncologist just before I complete my chemo rounds. This new oncologist is supposed to plan and oversee my radiation treatment. So, my appointment was scheduled for today at the same hospital just a different wing. When I got there it was packed with so many people and this did not help my crabby mood. I was feeling really unwell, I had aches and pains. I waited for so long before I saw the Oncologist and then after I had been directed to those private rooms in readiness to see him. I thought for a moment, I had been forgotten. I waited and waited, stood up, walked around, twiddled my thumbs and I can assure you I was just so pissed and was ready to lose it.  By the time the Radiation Oncologist came to see me I was at the end of my rope. But, here is the funny part, the guy is so nice and connects with you on such a human level that there is no way I could not smile. He made me forget instantly that I had been feeling very upset.

Anyway, this doctor is so nice that I just feel so blessed that as this journey continues to progress, I keep being connected to such an amazing medical team who connect with me on a human level - more than I can ask for. As usual, the conversation started with how this was going to completely eradicate the cancer cells. Followed by information on how the radiation is going to impact my life - that is the side effects which are not supposed to be as bad as chemo but who knows. After my experience with chemo so far, I feel that the medical people downplay the impact and adverse effects. I don't blame them because if I knew what I know now I think my mental state would be in Cuckooland!  I was given enough information to stress me enough for the rest of the week hence my delay in posting. The cure of this cancer is absolutely worse than the disease.

I was really shocked that I am going to have 15 rounds of radiation. I never imagined it was going to be so much more than even 5. After he said this, I went into a daze and refused to take any further reading material about how this is going to impact my life. Specifically, that the radiation is going to affect my left saliva glands which will stop producing saliva for a long long time. The radiation is going to burn my skin turning it to very dark - like I am not dark already, I will have trouble swallowing. Really? I thought, this is just too much! How much more can I take? I think he noticed that I was visibly shaken. He continued to explained that it was necessary because the radiation would kill any cancer cells left behind that chemo did not get. He said that after chemo there is always a chance that some rogue cancer cells are still in the body and may not be visible on the last PET scan once chemo is done. I will write some more on radiation in another posting.  Until then I am doing a countdown for my chemo appointment next week. Then, the vicious cycle begins again mouth sores, fatigue, tingling, aches and pains, nausea etc, etc. Stay tuned.....

Adapting to this New Normal

To survive this new normal I must adapt or else.. I am screwed. After chemo, the road has remained bumpy with pins and needles on my fingers and numbness still bugging me, hence the delay in posting stuff. Apart from the pins and needles, which I pray are temporary, I develop these horrible mouth sores immediately after chemo treatment. I guess at this point I am allowed to bitch because these suckers are so annoying and painful. To ease the pain, I have to keep swishing with baking soda salt solution every two or three hours including waking up in the middle of the night. I find myself doing this really weird dance in the bathroom because this salt solution does sting and brings these involuntary tears to my eyes. Well, this comes with the territory of chemo toxicity. The day of chemo my mouth begins to burn like there is fire in my mouth and my tongue feels like someone is cutting it with a razor blade. By day two the pain is so intense and my mouth is red and inflammed. Day three up to five is the same story. Now, I have resorted to using a children's toothbrush which is gentler on the gums. The mouth sores are a nuisance if you ask me, not only because of the discomfort they cause but the limitation they pose on eating, swallowing or even talking.

I must say, chemotherapy side effects are worse than cancer. I am sure some people are like what the hell are you saying. Truth be told, if your doctor doesn't tell you you have cancer you would go about your business as normal.  As for chemo, the treatment is grueling and seriously! how do you explain spending time marinating in a stew of toxic stuff? The general feeling of malaise, the vomiting, the unexplainable aches and pains etc. etc. The fatigue that comes with chemo aaarrgggh!!! I am unable to explain it because it feels like you have sleeping sickness. So, listen to my Oncologist and I remain in the comfort of my bed and hope all this rest helps with the recovery process.  I am not going to go into the details of hurling up even when you have eaten nothing. Anyway, as my new normal I know that I have to adapt and persevere. During this time, I have to drink plenty of water and stick to soup. In fact, I don't think I will be able to stand any kind of soup after this journey because I am just so done. The truth is I envy people who don't get sick from chemo. I hate these side effects so much because these mouth sores for example, are very painful and prevent me from eating and enjoying good stuff that I love like smoothies and fresh fruits. I had strawberries today and sang a little song just from the joy of being able to eat something decent. Enough of the whining, I am feeling better after five days of hiatus and nursing side effects. As I celebrate the small stuff, I am happy to report that I am now able to eat and drink especially enjoying the normal! I know this chemo is supposed to be saving me but I just want it to end - RIGHT NOW! Until then, stay tuned.....