After seeing my radiation oncologist on Wednesday (yesterday) and being told that he was referring me back to the oncologist surgeon (located at a different hospital) who performed the original biopsy for yet another surgical procedure and further testing. Wow! so many questions going through my mind and a million thoughts of what this could mean. Just trying to wrap my mind around everything that is going on. What does this really mean? Well, I may not have answers right now but I am not obsessing about it. I am taking it as one of life curve balls thrown at me. I am trying to stay strong. Kinda like fake it until I make it. I am just taking deep breaths and rejoicing in the things that are present. I am here now and thats all that matters...
The truth is, after my oncologist said, "I have to refer you back to the oncology surgeon". I had a deja vu episode.... overwhelming weird and frightening deja vu feelings - the kind of feeling that I know that I have already lived and experienced this not so pretty encounter. If you read my earlier blog postings last year you will understand why I am feeling the way I am feeling right now. The truth is, I had refreshed my browser of life and had started to look forward to moving on to new stories. You can't blame a girl for wanting to move on. The cancer journey may be the hardest journey anyone can ever be on, but the greatest thing for me is that I have my family and friends who provide such big comfort and joy.
Anyway, the good news is unlike the last time where I had to wait for 2 months to have the biopsy done, and only got an earlier appointment after I raised a stinker. This time its different. Phew! that experience was very stressful. This time, I am incredibly impressed. I saw my radiation oncologist on Wednesday and today, Thursday (the following day) I got a call from my dear friend surgeon oncologist that he will see me next week on Tuesday. That is a total record short wait of only 4 days. These are moments I am counting my blessings one by one and naming them one by one. Anyway, since this is at a different hospital, I am now looking for my hospital card because I thought I was done with that part of the journey. No big deal though cause I can get a new card if I don't find it. What is funny about all this is how I had closed that chapter of my life preemptively. Remember how I have loved speaking about all these things in the past tense????? Aahh... such is life that we sometimes have a tendency to look on the more favourable side of events rather than the latter. Its called optimism - a tendency to make lemons out of lemonade and to see the glass as half full when its half empty.
Generally speaking, I am an optimist by nature. Have always been. But, since this journey I have learned something new about this whole idea of optimism. I have wondered why do we have to think positive all the time? On reflection, I realize its okay that I don't have to be positive all the time. Hence, I allow myself those moments when I will rant and whine because I know that is okay too as long as I come back to sanity. I can try to come to terms with my fears and for sure I have lots of them, but at the same time I can also prepare for the worst. Just like the old saying, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Thats exactly how I am dealing with my life which often feels so fragile. So, bear with me as I bear with myself.
Regardless of everything that is going on, I am determined to continue with those activities that lead to true health and well being, such as prayer, exercise, good dietary habits, un-clattering my mind, pampering myself, laughing more from the belly, getting enough sleep that actually gives rest and most important keeping up my personal appearances. All these things help make a challenging situation a tard more bearable. It also is a wonderful opportunity to become more introspective and make strides in personal growth.
Until then, stay tuned as I have just hit the refresh button on the web browser of life and starting all over again......
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