Post Chemo What Have I Learned So Far?

Pre-cancer, I was that person some may call superwoman. I was constantly the over achiever, trying to get to the next level both at work and my personal life. I lost touch of the fact that life has to be celebrated as it is presented in front of you. But, what changed? When I was diagnosed with cancer, the hardest part was the reminder of my own mortality. Really, who wants to die? I just assumed the worst for myself and I was really scared. The fear and despair that engulfed me is indescribable. The tears and feelings of despair at the injustice and unfairness of this diagnosis are just beyond words. I was numb for a long time and had these waves of intense grief and just sobbing for so many days. Cancer has a way of making you feel that you are no longer in control of your life or your body.  I just felt disorganized and so distant from others and just felt alone. Strangely, I also wanted to be alone. The treacherous journey feels really bumpy and filled with traumatic shocks. I had to give myself an emotional checkup ever so often in order to maintain my sanity. I had to admit my fears especially of death and noted how it was actually distracting me from dealing with my cancer. Most of all, I learnt that it was okay to be demonstrative of all these crazy feelings especially the being vulnerable part. Being vulnerable allowed me to conquer my fears through letting go of my inhibitions and just being at the mercy of life while opening my heart to the possibilities of life. My biggest lesson was that while it is okay to have fears, it is important to put yourself in charge of your cancer journey through educating yourself about facts regarding your diagnosis and treatment while putting fear in its proper place of non-distraction.

Learning that I have cancer has given me much greater clarity and intensity of understanding that life was indeed precious. I learned that going forth, the choices I make every single day could either give meaning to my life or derail me. This whole journey has taught me to live my life more meaningfully and more purposefully. I have learned to live in the moment and enjoy everything around me. I have learnt to focus on the right things in my life while riding this bumpy hodgkins bus. Now, I know without a doubt that life is beautiful for the most part and the things we call problems are really not problems. They are mere inconveniences. I have also learned from all the loved ones around me how much life has impacted theirs. I must say, from all the acts of kindness, I realized just how much I am loved by so many. I learned that I am never alone and that I will always have a great support team at my call. That feeling is quite humbling... Evidently, the lessons have been many for me so far but the biggie was realizing that optimism is a sure form of healing. What is optimism one may ask apart from being cliche? Optimism has been described as an attitude or inclination towards positive thinking. In simple terms, it is the ability to see that silver lining in every cloud. I guess that is viewing a glass as always half full rather than half empty. Therefore, optimism is hope. Through this experience, I learnt that hope and despair are forever intertwined as I moved from one end of the spectrum to the next. I can say without a doubt that you cannot even consider one without thinking about the other. I swung like a pendulum and floated from one end of despair to the other end of hope until at some point, I had an epiphany that as human beings, without hope we have nothing.

The great Martin Luther put it best when he said, if you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream. I dream to be cancer free, to be healthy and to have my life back. Learning that you have cancer feels like you suddenly step into this very dark hole. However, when you step into that darkness, I learnt that chances are you will either find a firm ground to stand on or you simply learn to fly. Talk of the latter, that still has to happen for me. I am somehow still holding on desperately to the lifeboat for the darker times and incomprehensible nature of the universe. Yeah sometimes we need that smack in the face from the universe in order to wake us up to ourselves. The truth is my ground was shaky as I struggled with coping with the devastating effects of chemotherapy treatments which I have already shared that they are so bad that there are no enough right words to describe the whole experience. I remember many times during my cancer journey, bargaining with God from to please please stop the horrible chemo side effects to please please make me well. I recall crying endless tears and just feeling so alone though I was surrounded by so many loving people.

During this treacherous journey, I have interacted with a few people who have gone through the same life changing experience and I have been told that going through the cancer journey can turn into a blessing. Touche`, I am still thinking about that one whether its a blessing or a curse. However, I must admit, there are some positive things that have come out of all this. I have learnt that it is my job to be persistent and ask questions whenever I feel that more should be done regarding my health. The worst that can happen is the doctor getting annoyed but thats okay as long as I am not combative in my delivery to get the treatment and dignity that I deserve. Although I have always been an appreciative person before, I must admit, I am now even more thankful for so many things such as my wonderful family and friends who all rallied around me offering much needed support and love. I appreciated all the overwhelming and amazing support and love. Having cancer has allowed me to make a clear distinction of who really cares about me from those who do not. I learned that true friendship means that someone who not only laughs with you in the good times, but also holds your hand when you are scared. I know for sure that life is very fragile and I will never take simple things like feeling good and having energy or being active for granted. After this lousy experience of feeling run-down and really sick, I have great appreciation for the times that I feel well and healthy.

Cancer is a total bitch and I cannot stand here and say I am grateful or happy that I have cancer. I am just thankful for what this experience has taught me so far. Cancer has taught me an important life lesson of not taking good health for granted and understanding that tomorrow is never guaranteed. I have learnt the importance of living my life like today is my last and knowing that, no matter how difficult this journey may be, it could have been worse because there is always someone out there having a worse experience than me. I know it sounds corny but this experience has made me want to be kinder and more patient with others because guess what, you never know what someone else is going through. I don't want anyone to get me wrong. This experience does not make me perfect. Far from it, I just know the many things in my life I want to work on and improve. I just feel like once this whole journey is over, I can close this painful chapter and start over again. How many times do we get a second chance in life? Personally, I am so grateful because I feel like I am getting a second chance! Having cancer does not in any way mean we stop living or stop enjoying life. It simply means we alter how we deal with the new normal. I have learnt to enjoy the moment and not allow unimportant things to overtake me. I have learnt to argue less and to laugh more particularly I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. I wake up every morning and look at each day as a gift to be appreciated and savoured. The journey is hard and treacherous but with all the love, support and strength I got and am still getting, even you can get through anything. Do stay tuned cause I am back with gusto..........

Withstanding the Hurricane through Solidarity

I remember that it was in July when I met with my Professor Jen and as usual I was crying on her shoulder that she is so generous with. As I wiped away the tears she asked me, Do you have a support team because you need one? What??? I was wondering a team for what? I just stared at her because it didn't make any sense for me. But, now I get it and I realize the importance of having a team of support who I can call on when I am feeling sad or overwhelmed or even to go for the numerous doctor's appointments. Well, today I have been thinking and I came to the conclusion that I definitely need to carefully pick a team of support readily and physically available for me that I will do the honour and call, "My Companions of Hope". I realize Tinashe cannot do this alone and take me to all the appointments alone .. share all this enormous burden.... its just too much for her. Of course, I will continue to appreciate all the love and sentiments from both local and afar, its just that I do need a team physically available. So, I am going to reach out to a couple of close friends who are willing to play an active and integral part in my journey. Stay tuned......right now, I need to go and lie down am not feeling too great today. Its that nagging pain in my chest. It just makes it hard to breathe or sit. Feels like so much pressure in my chest and feels like its being twisted. Just want to lay down. Will continue this conversation later.

Every Dark Cloud has a Silver Lining

 Its late afternoon and I thought I might continue sleeping and being a Debby Downer with my hurting chest and all, but my Professor Jennifer just emailed me with the best news for the day. She just a put a smile on my face as I wobbled out of bed. Remember people, all these happening occurred when I was working on my thesis for the Master in Social Work. And it gets better, she just informed me that my major research paper was back from the second reader with good reviews! I appreciate this woman because she was not only my Professor during the year but she was a shoulder I cried on more than often. Her resonance evoked confidence in me and helped me to stay focused and calm in the middle of the chaos which began in June. I am always amazed by strong powerful women like Jen who truly believe in you when you have lost belief in your own self. She made me see the great potential in my suffering and possibilities ahead. I just read the good comments from the second reader and now I am even more inspired and motivated to beat this so that I can do my Phd. Do you know what that means? It means I am going to graduate this October. I don't know how that is going to look like but, whether hairless from chemo or what I am going to walk that stage owning that baldness and turning it into victorious. I know I have the "C" word but, like I said before, I am not letting this put me down.  I am just rearranging my life and choosing daily to grow in awareness that I have the courage to be imperfect and knowing that I am loved by all my friends and family who have already graciously started to send me positive affirmations. So, thank ya'll for keeping me strong with your kind words. I cannot thank you all enough. Keep the positive affirmations flowing. You are helping me take charge of my body and mind. What that means is that I am taking charge of my cancer rather than let the cancer take charge of me. After sharing the good news with my rock and fabulous daughter, Tinashe, she just baked these yummy gummy chocolate cupcakes.

Ummm! they are melting in my mouth! So, now we are having a cupcake party. Yay! we are indulging and just binging and just letting loose. I gotta go now the cupcakes await.....

Hope, Musings and Reflections

A winning attitude is what I intend to keep throughout this journey. I know it will not be easy but I will fight to WIN! It is difficult but, the outpouring messages of love and hope from all my friends and family are making a difference. I am taking this reality that confronts me and looking it straight in the eye without denying what will be or what can be. What I need up my sleeve is a funny bone because if I can laugh at it I can live with it. Today, is a new day and I am holding onto hope and making a choice to live and not let worry get the best of me. So, I am writing this letter to help me start anew.

Dear Hodgkins Lymphoma,  How dare you? I do not recall giving you the permission to invade my body. I am here to tell you that this is my body and I will fight you with all my might. I know and I know that there is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonics so powerful as expectation of something better tomorrow.

It is hope that I hold on to right now and I plan to rearrange my life to make it worth living again just like before. I am planning on turning this journey into an awakening... a breakthrough and dynamic life giving experience.  I vehemently refuse to quit! Like my favourite philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said, "He who has a 'why' to live can bear with almost any 'how'".