Feeling the Blues

Today I am all weepy and feeling crappy and sad. Last night was not so good. I spent the night throwing up and nothing much was coming out except bitter nasty bile since I have not been able to keep anything down. I was able to catch some sleep in the wee morning hours but woke up with terrible sores in my mouth and my tongue which hurt so bad. Its like there is fire in my mouth. I also have these severe stomach cramps that I just cannot deal with. (all expected chemo side effects). As I lay in my bed sick and worn out, I just felt so sad and lonely, I felt myself standing alone in solitude in this crowded world. I felt alienated from the world outside. My heart hurts and I feel confused as I feel lost in the cocoon of my own solitude. Sometimes in our lives you feel pain when a loved one chooses not to support you at your greatest time of need. All of sudden your world feels like its been torn apart and your world has changed. You ask yourself, How do I cope? How do I get past it? For sure these are really difficult questions for me which I don't have answers to yet.

I am sad because one person I care so much about and thought would have my back through thick and thin is not there for me anymore. She has made a decision that she does not want to be part of my journey anymore. One may say why at this time? But, I will not question the reasons or motives behind this untimely decision because don't they say you know who your true friends are when you are in the dumps? I know in my heart that there are things we all don't want to happen or people we think we cannot live without but I am realizing that we have to learn at some point to just let go. So, I cried today...... not because I miss her..... or even wanted her to be here telling me she is here and that I am going to be okay... I cried because I realized I am going to be alone but will be alright without her. So, I took my ass out of bed despite feeling crappy went shopping for some food since there was nothing to eat that I fancy in the house. As I pushed the cart, feeling all nervous about catching a bug, I could not believe that I am no longer the strong person that I was. I just felt so weak and all the energy seeping out my body and found myself asking for a place to sit because I almost passed out. After resting for a while I picked up some frozen fruits, gatorade and jello hoping that this will go down and not come out. I need to eat something. As I slowly pulled myself together and got to my car I was glad that I was able to make it after-all and drive myself home safely. Such is the irony of life, it takes sadness to know what happiness is.