Hooray! Just Finished Radiation - #17 to # 20

Today, I had my last radiation blast which means, I am so done, done, done with all treatments and yeah, I am ready to move forward with my life. Wait a minute.... I am doing the happy dance here...... I am a Rad Grad.... Thats me and my dearest daughter/caregiver Tinashe wearing our big smiles in the clinic just after my last radiation blast. The last and final one....  Drumroll please........ Thank you!

I AM DONE AND I AM STILL STANDING STRONG!!! Yeah, I am holding my special mask used during the radiation treatment. Now a souvenir.... any takers - bidders??? Calling once, calling twice... Ha ha ha ha... Just kidding. I am just excited that today marks a big milestone in my life.... I feel like I climbed this very high mountain and now I am standing on top of the mountain and just looking down at the mental gymnastics and the physical aches and pains that I endured this past year. Sighhh....

Wooo hooooo! It is such a wonderful feeling! I probably will not be able to sleep tonight and the following couple of days! It will probably only sink in next week when I dont have to hop into a taxi to go for my daily treatments. I cannot believe that I have come to the end of this truly arduous and formidable journey - Nine long months to be exact. Wow! today, Friday marks the final countdown. I just wish you could all see me. Budding like flower - ready to blossom. Can you believe it has almost been a year since I embarked on this onerous and no picnic journey? This mountain? Maan! it was or rather is high because I feel like I am still climbing. I still have obstacles, challenges and difficulties. Therefore, I am still work in progress. Incredible! I am not a talented singer but, hey right now I am singing "I have overcome, la la la la..". I am singing just to satisfy that basic human need to express emotions in a way that completely satisfies my whole being. And guess what, it is giving me absolute emotional tranquility. I am over that bleak and gloomy feeling that ever doubted the existence of a silver lining.

Even though I am still struggling with the side effects of radiation especially nausea and fatigue. I am feeling so happy that this treacherous journey has come to an end. I dont really care about the sores in my mouth and the difficulty I am experiencing with swallowing. When I look in the mirror, I see this big ugly and sore black burn on my neck. Wait, did I tell y'all that my gums have turned black from radiation. My teeth are sensitive and my finger nails and toe nails are black. But, hey its okay compared to what I have just gone through this is minor. My Chemo Oncologist has given me an appointment for early March to do all the testing again to make sure these cancer suckers are gone. At first, I thought wow, March is kinda far, but incidentally, the radiation continues to work on my body for the next four weeks and by the time I see my Oncologist, hopefully the side effects would have either gone or diminished. So, stay tuned like always......

Happy New Year! Radiation # 13 to # 16

Apart from the New Year count down just beginning, this week has been uneventful. Just the usual routine of going to the hospital for radiation treatments everyday. Its exhausting but not so bad. The good news is that now that my treatment digits are now in the double digits, I am beginning to feel good for the most part. A feeling that I had thought had left me given the many uphills and bumps that I had to go through this far.

As I proceed to do the countdown - not of the New Year, but of my radiation treatment plan I can see the light that had begun to flicker and diminish for a long while. I am beginning to visualize the many things I would like to do once all this is over. The feeling is so good that I can now honestly say I am going to be alright. The feeling just makes me look back to where this journey began and reflect. Yeah! life is so unpredictable! Anyway, that light at the end of the tunnel is no longer an illusion.  I can see it and I can feel and I can touch it and I can taste it!

Otherwise, that makes this week the best so far.  I guess its because the holiday spirit is still in the air and gets contagious. I was sick this Friday though for some strange reason, even just getting up was a chore. Just aches and pains but with popping some pain killers here and there as well as soaking in all the holiday spirit around, I am doing just fine and getting ready to have a quiet and laid back New Year.

Despite everything that we have all faced, I dare y'all we can always still find something to be thankful for and continue to have hope for the future!

I would like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a Happy new year! I wish you all a happy 2012 filled with Joy, Happiness, Good Health and Prosperity!

Most of all, thank you for your unwavering support during this incredible journey. You really made this journey easier for me as I felt all your love envelope me from all the bumps and hurdles! I just feel so blessed! I am grateful for all your support and I am truly humbled that so many of you took time to just rally around me during this difficult year. Thank you so much for stopping by and all the encouragement. It is all greatly appreciated.

With that said, put on your party hats and raise a toast to all the good times!

I love y'all!

Happy New Year!

This Week in Focus - Radiation # 8 to # 12

I cannot believe I am at # 12 of my radiation treatment. Can you believe that I am getting used to being claustrophobic while inside the treatment mask? Its been hard ya'll! The treatment mask gives me this distressing emotion and fear of being afraid that I may not be able to explain. It sounds really weird but the truth is I realized that this fear I was experiencing was my own self-fulfilling prophesy. I cannot believe having this radiation mask was truly posing such an emotional challenge on my psyche. Each single day, I noticed that this fear of having the mask on my face during treatment was dominating my reasoning causing me untold fear. I just felt this overwhelming apprehension that escalated to my heart pounding needlessly. I had sweaty palms and my muscles were tense. Every time the radiation oncology nurse tells me to relax, I realized I did have a problem and I thought what am I going to do about this?

Anyway, it dawned on me that I needed to develop some kind of strategy to deal with this dilemma because the journey was still on. I just decided maybe if I closed my eyes and take myself to a happy place it would do the trick. Well, I am happy to report that I have tried this and it has worked this far. Can you believe that I got my freedom from not allowing all this fear to run rampant causing me such stress during treatment. Even though the nausea keeps bothering me, I must say given a choice, this radiation process is definitely much easier than chemotherapy. I am getting my energy back and yeah am getting my groove back and getting ready to be myself once again. Its Christmas this weekend people! It is the season to be happy!

I am wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas and may this season bring abundant joy and happiness in your life! May Santa be extra good to y'all!

To my Jewish friends, Happy Hanukkah! I am sending you wishes full of happiness, good tidings and divine blessings this Hanukkah.

Be kind to one another....

Getting Carried Away

When you are sick and home bound having visitors is one of the most exciting and uplifting event.  I feel like a kid being taken to the park to play. This weekend I had two special guests my dear friend Esther and my lovely sekuru Stewart Doma.  Esther had promised to come earlier but seeing that the day was coming to an end I had assumed that she was busy studying for her upcoming exams next week which always tears her away from everyone. Good luck Esther in your exams! Anyway, as Esther walked in later in the day after I had given up, I was thrilled. Before she could sit down, my favourite sekuru Stewart also surprised me with an unexpected visit. I must say we had such an amazing time and chatted away. Then, I did the unthinkable, I got carried away seeing everyone eating sadza (our traditional food) and joined in the feasting forgetting my now very sensitive stomach. After everyone left, I was so sick.  I violently threw up and felt like I had just eaten poison.  I kicked myself for getting carried away and thinking I am feeling much better. Bloom! that went my weekend into the drain. I threw up on Saturday night and the whole of Sunday going into Monday morning.  So, the thing is I didn't sleep very well this weekend so I am just beginning my week feeling really cranky again. However, I did have a great time apart from my failing to take it easy on the food. Until then......

Its Christmas! But Radiation continues. So far, Day # 3 to # 7 done

I cannot believe its Christmas! No, I am not saying that with any enthusiasm or gusto at all. This is one heck of a Christmas where I accept the title of Grinch who stole Christmas without shame. Its funny that in the Western world the pandemonium about gifts is nothing but very fascinating. I don't know why I am surprised because in Africa, christmas was a colonial invention. Back home, its more about decompressing for probably four days getting together with family including extended family. Its not a one day event and people spend the whole four days sleeping over and having fun. In fact, growing up, I don't recall any frenzy about buying gifts. Its only young children who get new clothes and toys. Instead, everyone is all excited about receiving their end of year bonus affectionately called "the 13th Cheque". Everyone is excited and planning and budgetting including upgrading their furniture or making big purchases like a house or a car. What stands out for me was how everyone was all excited about going to spend Christmas with their parents or in-laws who often live far away and distance does not matter. Thank God my parents live one hour from the capital city and that always made it easy for all of us. Let me tell you about my fabulous family -  it is exactly like the Madea Reunion if you know what I mean. I chuckle every time I watch that movie. Yeah, my family is really XXXLarge. Given an opportunity my family can make up a small town on their own. I miss you all and all the good times at this time of the year. I wish you a fabulous Christmas filled with joy and happiness.

My radiation treatments will continue without a break except for the usual weekend. How can I get excited when these treatments leave me constantly nauseated and cranky for the most part? No amount of positive thoughts or affirmations can make me feel any better for now. Just saying! With that said, I hope you have all done your preparations and shopping. To the  "procrastinators" don't stress you still have a couple of days to run around. Don't sweat and don't break a leg at the mall!

After a somewhat long hiatus, I figured since I am having radiation every single day it would be much easier for me to post on a weekly basis unless there is something really pressing to report on. The daily radiation treatments have been really hectic and leave me with all my energy depleted. Every time I am done with radiation I just feel so drained and cannot even engage in small talk. I find myself dozing and just snoozing away sporadically without any warning. Here is the interesting tit bit, this week as I was lying down having my radiation, I suddenly heard Christmas corals playing in the room. Geez! I thought, "Joy to the world?" really? I don't think so. As I lay there I thought I am having the worst time of my life and joy doesn't really fit into this equation.

First off, its uncomfortable and claustrophobic wearing the special radiation mask. To make it worse, you are screwed onto this hard bed..... Secondly, I am nauseated every single day and eating has become a chore because I am constantly worried that it will come out. Then, I also thought, maybe I am being a Grinch who hates Christmas just because I cannot eat properly. I just finished 5 treatments of radiation from Monday to Friday and the thing that is bothering me a lot is the nausea and vomiting. That has been the biggest issue for me so far. However, I am glad that I had an appointment with my Radiation Oncologist today and he gave me a script for some more drugs that are supposed to help. I keep wondering once this is all done how much toxicity will I be carrying around?

Gallium Scan Results are in......

The gallium results are in da da da dum! My Chemo Oncologist is the one who discussed the results with me. Remember, I am working with a chemo oncologist and a radiation oncologist, two different specialists working together. I have learnt not to celebrate pre-emptively because this cancer journey is sure complicated and unpredictable. So, until I am done with radiation therapy I am still holding my breath. The good news is that the gallium scan shows that the gallium avid tumors have decreased in size. The CT scan of the chest shows the tumor shrunk to 1cm. The CT scan of the head and neck also show the big tumor has reduced in size to 1.8cm and I am doing well so far. Therefore, radiation is supposed to shrink these tumors further.

Did you know that once you complete both chemo and radiation treatment you cannot say you are cured?Yeah, I was surprised too. You say you are in remission. Remission means absence of disease activity with the possibility of return of disease activity. Yikes! Once I am done with radiation whats going to happen is that I will get CT scanned every 3 months for the next year then it will be every 6 months then every year. These scans are done to make sure there is nor recurrence of the cancer. So, I am not off the hook yet.

Feeling Not So Good

Today I woke up feeling queasy and sick to my stomach. The wave of nausea just engulfed me and I kept hoping I would feel better by the end of the day. Unfortunately, that was wishful thinking. I spent my afternoon vomiting and later took a nap just to deal with the exhaustion that ensued. When I got up I was feeling so hungry and decided to eat something. Well, big mistake, I vomited again so violently and cursed myself for desiring to eat something. I had hoped this was enough vomiting for the day but, alas! I continued throwing up through out the night and only managed to sleep at 4am in the morning. I guess that wraps up my very uneventful and depressing weekend. Nausea and vomiting after radiation are part of the treatment package that I really despise. I just want all this to be over and I continue the countdown in earnest. Until then stay tuned.......