Scared..Scared and more scared lump on my jaw line

I am sorry for the apparent abandoning of my blog. It was not my intention to be so tardy.  I just didn't have much to say or maybe I was just playing avoidance. Aluta Continua! That means "the struggle continues"!(popular Portuguese slogan used to cultivate popular support against colonial presence during the apartheid liberation struggle in my beloved home country Zimbabwe ). Time has gone by surprisingly fast. I cannot believe christmas came and new year just passed and I have not posted in a while. I guess that is what happens when you do not have much to talk about - which is a good thing I guess. Otherwise, Happy belated New Year to y'all! Many thanks to all of you who have kept checking up on me and continue giving me much needed encouragement and support. Thank you for your emails, tweets, phone calls and in person support. After starting a new position in October last year, I felt like I needed a break from thinking about this damn cancer which included writing this blog. 

I have thought about discontinuing this blog, but I remembered that when I was first diagnosed with cancer, I would spend my time reading other people's blogs and most of them just ended abruptly as soon as treatment ended. It bothered me and left me feeling scared and curious and wondering how they were doing. I often wondered whether they were in partial remission like me or stayed in remission or not or whether they died. Just thinking about that scared the crap out of me. So, I decided to keep my blog up and will try updating as often as I can.

Like I said in my previous blogs, life after cancer is not easy. Its pretty hard! One of the biggest struggles is getting people to understand how I feel about all that I have been through - it has not been easy and I realize it will continue to be a challenge. Most people have the attitude that I am done with cancer now and should be able to move on and not think about it anymore. NO! I CANNOT! I do worry constantly and I am anxious about my cancer coming back more-so, now that I have this recent swelling again the size of a marble on my jaw the same spot that ended up being opened up in July last year. The uncertainty is extremely scary and causes me to lay awake at night wondering what if? Then, in the morning I go to work feeling extremely exhausted from lack of sleep and the vicious worry cycle continues.

Sometimes, I feel like I am expected to just forget that I had cancer and move on with my life. Honestly, I dont know how to do that. I am trying but it is extremely hard. From the outside everyone says how great I look and how well I am doing. Even my two lovely Oncologist say I am doing great. But, I feel like saying, "I really dont feel great at all.. Why do I keep getting the same painful swelling on the same spot where I had the biggest tumor. Just because I am not acting like an emotional mess in front of people does not mean that I am doing or feeling great". It feels like there is no end to this whole situation. You dont stop having cancer once treatment is over. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate that I am feeling much better in comparison to when this journey started. But, the truth, cancer is now part of me. Like many cancer survivors, I continue to grope for a suitable word that makes sense of this new place. Sometimes, I wonder how can I call myself a survivor when I will spend the rest of my life being monitored and tested. What about the scars on my body? Sadly, cancer is part of me now. Its embedded in my life forever and will constantly be in the back of my mind. But, I refuse to let it take over my life. Its funny that everyone tells me how strong I am, which is the most humbling compliment... but, I dont really feel that I have been strong at all. I feel that when life throws you curveballs, you either choose to be positive and get through it the best you can ... or you can let it bring you down in a dark place you dont want to be. I just chose the more positive route.

For the most part, all I want to do is pretend the nightmare never happened. That, I didn't lose months and months of my life to pain, appointments, emergency room visits. Who knows, one day I will have the courage to just reflect and make sense of the whole experience. After all those months of going through what I still consider hell, I have moved on - so I keep thinking until something comes up. The sort of bad news is that last week I started feeling feverish and ended up with a swelling on the same spot that sent me under the blade in July 2012. I just had an aspiration done last week and have been taking antibiotics. All this stuff scares the crap out of me. I am seeing my oncologist next week. Hopefully it will turn out to be nothing serious.

I am not sure if I posted that I am now a clinical social worker at a health centre(same organization). Yeah, that was another move up the ladder. Do I hear an Amen?? I am loving being back to work and feeling great most of the time. But, most of all, maintaining a swag that allows me to pass for healthy. In actual truth, the journey continues. Side effects do remain. Hello dry mouth that keeps me awake to take frequent sips of water during the night and every few minutes during the day. This radiation sure did a number on my glands that I don't know will ever heal soon enough. Physically, I am not back to myself yet. I feel chronic fatigue and shortness of breath. However, I still go to the gym and it does help a lot. Since end of treatment, I started "clean eating" and buying organic produce. While the cancer anxiety is not so much, I still worry about it coming back though it is definitely not in the front of my mind as before. I still live in a body that feels like crap a lot of the time. It has taken me time to really learn how to take care of myself in a new way and live again. My life is forever changed but I am truly enjoying the gift of seeing life from the other side of the coin. Most people will live their entire lives and never get to see it the way that I now do. There are things to be thankful for everyday.


One who lived a nightmare but, still lives!

I am still here....Updates

It seems like ages since I have posted updates so I thought it was about time I updated y'all properly on what has been going on in my world. You know I miss y'all. And, thank you to all those who have inboxed checking up on me. A lot has been happening with me these past few weeks. You have not heard from me in a while because I figured, why not blog when things are looking up rather than blog about sad and depressing stuff. While I do feel guilty at times about this I find myself pausing and reminding myself what this blog was really about, RESOLVING TO LIVE and if I am doing that, it means I don't always have to be a Debbie Downer but breathe LIFE! Of course, the side effects are still in force. My saliva is still missing in action and the fatigue continues. Sometimes I feel like a centenarian - yeah over 100 years old believe me. But, as always I remain hopeful that this will all go away at some point with all the abundant love surrounding me and the gym tonic...I recharge every time I go to the gym its been working miracles so far.

I know the worst appears to be over and I am coping extremely well, healing, adjusting to work/life balance and rebuilding in every sense of the word. Often, it feels like a real chore - the truth is, the illness, the pain, the terror of almost dying shattered something in my soul. So, as much as many people talk about healing and moving on, I believe there is no such thing because the trauma remains deeply etched in my brain. Life is never the same after cancer. I do have those occasional pity party moments but try to remain positive. Just to give y'all an update and assure everyone that I have not gone anywhere. Am still here and kicking cancer's ass in spite of.... all the above!  I still worry that the cancer may come back but I know that whatever happens I will be able to deal with it. As always, I have control over my diet, exercise and attitude but there are some things in life we can never control. With that said, I promise to work hard on continuing this blog and reminding everyone who reads my blog that there is life after cancer. The journey may be difficult but once you get there it can be pretty amazing.

Anyway, the last time you heard from me, I had a golf ball size swelling on my jaw. I went to see my Oncologist last week and he referred me back to the Oncologist Surgeon who had initially done my biopsy at the beginning of this journey. Boy! when that happened, I was shocked and I just stopped in my tracks. Many things going through my mind.... First, I thought, wow, has the cancer made a return? Then, I also remembered how painful the surgical biopsy was and I was overwhelmed with emotion. I wept, because I thought this sure feels like a classic snakes and ladder's game which I am not keen on playing at all. Then, I recalled how I had been mistreated during the beginning of this cancer journey. I felt like asking my oncologist to refer me to someone else. But, remember last time I talked about hitting the refresh button. Well, I did just that, I hit the refresh button on life and it seems to really help because it gave me a clean slate and a dose of courage to confront life curve balls every time they are thrown at me.

As always, I went in with my rock, Tinashe by my side, just nervous and anxious but carrying the ever blazing optimistic torch. The good news is, this guy unlike last time, actually remembered me, including my first name and treated me so well. We were both dumb founded. He told me that I had an inflammed abscess and proceeded to explain what was going to happen before doing the incision and drainage. Yeah it was quite painful because apparently anaesthesia does not really work on an inflammed part of the skin. Still the good news is, I felt like the red carpet was rolled out for me despite the very painful procedure. From his assistant up to the residents, nurses, I just felt like a VIP. After the unpleasant procedure, I continued taking my antibiotics and pain meds and within a few days felt much better. The swelling actually went down within a few days which made happy. But, that does not mean I am out of the woods yet.

So far, I just have a scar on my cheek a reminder of this never ending journey called cancer. No wonder its called a journey! Now, I am waiting for my next appointment in August where the same surgeon will do a CT Scan and insert a camera through my nose to determine why I had the inflammation in the first place. He wants to make sure I do not have any hodgkins tumours growing again under the abscess. So, stay tuned for that part of the journey.

Until then, "Dream as if you will live forever and live as if you will die today"...

xoxo

As the Countdown for chemo Begins....

As the countdown for chemo begins the emotional toll is incredible. The sadness and sorrow continues to linger even when I think I am feeling better. I find that my feelings of anxiety have increased so has the apprehension grown about all the heavy and depressing stuff associated with chemotherapy. I find myself spending more time just trying to keep it all together given I gave up the odd compulsion to put on the brave face and opted for my strong and natural desire to just look up into the blue sky and weep whenever it feels like. Anyway, today I went in for an appointment with a social worker to harsh out a few things before my treatment begins in two weeks. Not a good idea if you ask me because I could not even say a complete sentence. I just could not stop crying, I broke down uncontrollably. Thank God! she was understanding and handed me a box of kleenex and allowed me just feel whatever I was feeling and tried to comfort me. Unfortunately, I didn't stop feeling. Damn! these tears are just too much! I did cry me a river! I don't think I made a lot of sense because if you ask me or accomplished much. I cannot even recall what the discussion was about. Oh boy, just trying to deal with all the emotions and making that decision not to feel defeated is so hard. On the bright side, the chest pain appears to have given me a slight break. The fatigue, well, I guess will be there for the long haul and will get worse with the chemo. But, as always I am keeping my chin up and allowing the tears to roll unabated!