I am still here....Updates

It seems like ages since I have posted updates so I thought it was about time I updated y'all properly on what has been going on in my world. You know I miss y'all. And, thank you to all those who have inboxed checking up on me. A lot has been happening with me these past few weeks. You have not heard from me in a while because I figured, why not blog when things are looking up rather than blog about sad and depressing stuff. While I do feel guilty at times about this I find myself pausing and reminding myself what this blog was really about, RESOLVING TO LIVE and if I am doing that, it means I don't always have to be a Debbie Downer but breathe LIFE! Of course, the side effects are still in force. My saliva is still missing in action and the fatigue continues. Sometimes I feel like a centenarian - yeah over 100 years old believe me. But, as always I remain hopeful that this will all go away at some point with all the abundant love surrounding me and the gym tonic...I recharge every time I go to the gym its been working miracles so far.

I know the worst appears to be over and I am coping extremely well, healing, adjusting to work/life balance and rebuilding in every sense of the word. Often, it feels like a real chore - the truth is, the illness, the pain, the terror of almost dying shattered something in my soul. So, as much as many people talk about healing and moving on, I believe there is no such thing because the trauma remains deeply etched in my brain. Life is never the same after cancer. I do have those occasional pity party moments but try to remain positive. Just to give y'all an update and assure everyone that I have not gone anywhere. Am still here and kicking cancer's ass in spite of.... all the above!  I still worry that the cancer may come back but I know that whatever happens I will be able to deal with it. As always, I have control over my diet, exercise and attitude but there are some things in life we can never control. With that said, I promise to work hard on continuing this blog and reminding everyone who reads my blog that there is life after cancer. The journey may be difficult but once you get there it can be pretty amazing.

Anyway, the last time you heard from me, I had a golf ball size swelling on my jaw. I went to see my Oncologist last week and he referred me back to the Oncologist Surgeon who had initially done my biopsy at the beginning of this journey. Boy! when that happened, I was shocked and I just stopped in my tracks. Many things going through my mind.... First, I thought, wow, has the cancer made a return? Then, I also remembered how painful the surgical biopsy was and I was overwhelmed with emotion. I wept, because I thought this sure feels like a classic snakes and ladder's game which I am not keen on playing at all. Then, I recalled how I had been mistreated during the beginning of this cancer journey. I felt like asking my oncologist to refer me to someone else. But, remember last time I talked about hitting the refresh button. Well, I did just that, I hit the refresh button on life and it seems to really help because it gave me a clean slate and a dose of courage to confront life curve balls every time they are thrown at me.

As always, I went in with my rock, Tinashe by my side, just nervous and anxious but carrying the ever blazing optimistic torch. The good news is, this guy unlike last time, actually remembered me, including my first name and treated me so well. We were both dumb founded. He told me that I had an inflammed abscess and proceeded to explain what was going to happen before doing the incision and drainage. Yeah it was quite painful because apparently anaesthesia does not really work on an inflammed part of the skin. Still the good news is, I felt like the red carpet was rolled out for me despite the very painful procedure. From his assistant up to the residents, nurses, I just felt like a VIP. After the unpleasant procedure, I continued taking my antibiotics and pain meds and within a few days felt much better. The swelling actually went down within a few days which made happy. But, that does not mean I am out of the woods yet.

So far, I just have a scar on my cheek a reminder of this never ending journey called cancer. No wonder its called a journey! Now, I am waiting for my next appointment in August where the same surgeon will do a CT Scan and insert a camera through my nose to determine why I had the inflammation in the first place. He wants to make sure I do not have any hodgkins tumours growing again under the abscess. So, stay tuned for that part of the journey.

Until then, "Dream as if you will live forever and live as if you will die today"...

xoxo

Life is a Gift, Don't Take it for Granted....

I may have a marble sized lump no now it looks like a golfball size on my jaw and half my face is now hanging from swelling and am really really feeling sore, but that ain't gonna stop me from living my life. I understand though that life can be hard hence it isn't really tied up with a fancy or pretty ribbon, but it is still a gift. There is always, always something to be grateful for. So, today, I am grateful for what I have and what I am. I am thankful for even the birds chirping outside my bedroom window. I feel like they are singing for me singing just for me. Saying, "Good morning Dorothee, today is another day, you made it! Just make it joyful!"

Life is beautiful and I am grateful and thankful. I am grateful to my children, family and friends - they make me happy and are the charming gardeners who make my soul blossom! Catherine Kahari, you bring tears to my eyes. Thank you for putting me on speed dial and checking on me relentlessly. Victor Kahari, I love you and I appreciate your love. I am just grateful to so many of y'all the list is so long and I am eternally grateful! I am grateful to strangers who have shown me little acts of kindness. I am grateful for each new challenge because it builds my strength and character. How can I not say life is beautiful with all the love and blessings surrounding me?

In my little world, I continue to strive to live every minute with love, grace and gratitude.Waking up every morning is a special gift that we should all cherish. Imagine that we have lungs that breathe, a heart that beats, eyes that see and the capacity to love and change lives whenever possible. Of course there will always be hardships and things to overcome but we need to remember all the simple things that we forget to be thankful for. I am grateful for so many things and now, every morning when I wake up I say out loudly that, "I am grateful for today and cannot wait for it to begin". Even if turns south as the other past few days. I am still filled with gratitude. The swelling is getting bigger and it is very sore but I am still grateful for many things. By the way, when was the last time you looked in the mirror and really seen who you are? What do you see? Did you come up with words like, beautiful, confident, decadent, influential, inspiring and gorgeous? If you didn't please do it again because giving gratitude is the most powerful way to increase your well-being. I do understand though that there are times when our lights just go off, but often get rekindled by other people. So, we all have cause to be grateful to those who have lighted the flame within us. For me, the list is so long. I am grateful to y'all and I appreciate you!

Before my diagnosis, I would have said that I was a woman of faith. What is faith? It is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. Easier said than done. However, I had no idea how that faith would hold up under such challenging circumstances. I am humbled to say that I have been given strength beyond my greatest hopes. I remain realistically optimistic even though there are those moments of sadness which overwhelm me. But, I refuse to let cancer rule my life. I have chosen to live each day with hope and great joy. This above all else is my source of strength. When I think about life, its funny how I never paid much attention to the words, 'live each day as if it were last" until my cancer diagnosis. Every morning I look in the mirror and say to myself, "Today, I want to fill my life with memorable experiences". By the way, having cancer did not change my personality - I still get annoyed and irritated at little things in life, loud and chatty people annoy me at times and especially people who like to be all in my face all the time and suffocating me unnecessarily.

Hodgkins has enabled me to have those moments when I can stop in my tracks to appreciate all the beauty that surrounds me; the blooming flowers adorning many frontyards and backyards, the beautiful blue sky and birds chirping away in the bright blue sky. Cancer gave me moments of simple appreciation for just being alive. I guess cancer somehow gave me eyes to see the beauty in life that I never took the time to see before. I have learned that each day is precious and that not one person is promised tomorrow. Indeed, this is a hard way to learn what is important in life. For me, it is family and friends. So, people, take care of yourselves because you have the option and ability to do so. Be the best possible you. Be thankful for being alive and having a chance to do anything you please and with that don't let yourself down. Become something huge, just because you can. Do something remarkable, just because you can. Don't sit around waiting for life to happen to you, create it.

LIVE, LOVE AND LAUGH! Because no one knows what the future will hold. So, live each day as if it were last....

After the Scare, How am I?

How am I? I always ask myself? Sometimes, I feel confident but sometimes I do feel scared. It can feel good to be done with treatment but at the same time it can be stressful. Everyday, I worry about the cancer coming back. I guess it will take a while for me to feel confident and have these constant fears somewhat relieved. I still feel constantly tired and achy but I should admit that I am on the improve. I still don't produce saliva in my mouth - a hallmark of radiation induced salivary gland dysfunction (a condition called Xerostomia or cotton mouth) and struggle with a very dry mouth and food tastes like sand and have difficulty swallowing, but I don't have cancer for now, so who cares about those things??? I take it as slow process of healing and appreciate the other good things in my life. Just looking at life as a big canvas

and summing it up in three words, "It Goes On"....

Granted, I had been taking the antibiotic prescribed by my radiation oncologist, I had hoped to feel better. Are you thinking what I think you are thinking? I did too, I thought shit! the tumours have come back. I was petrified! Remember the uncertainty I have talked about before? It can be nerve racking. As I checked myself in the mirror and I saw this incredibly big swelling on my left jaw I thought, "Did the combination chemo and radiation work? Why do some lymph nodes still feel so enlarged and painful too? Is this Hodgkin's still there? Has it come back again? A hundred questions filled my mind but one thing I know for sure is that I didn't panic. I guess its because since after treatment, I have found it really hard to get back to normal. I just feel so drained and fragile. Sometimes, I wake up feeling like I cannot cope with any more of life's challenges. But, I am glad that I have kept pushing myself to get back to normal understanding that what I went through was indeed life-changing. I may be scared but what I know for sure is no matter whats going on, I am concentrating on enjoying the present and being well again for the time being.

After my last post, the marble size lump grew bigger to kinda like golf ball size and it was throbbing and I could not stand anyone touching me on that spot. I could not turn my neck and my ear felt like it was going to blow up. Aarrrggh! That scared me out of my boots! We went to the emergency yesterday and after several tests the lump turned out to be an abscess and I hope its just that. The ER doctor performed what is called a needle aspiration and sent me home with a strong antibiotic and strong painkiller. A culture of the drainage was sent to the lab for further investigation. To aspirate is to withdraw fluid with a syringe after inserting the needle and pulling back on the plunger of the syringe. The freezing injection on my cheek was painful and yes, I screamed. But, I did not feel anything during the aspiration process. This young doctor was amazing! You may be wondering. Tinashe was there as usual holding my hand. This girl has become so strong she didn't even look away during the mini procedure. Now, you can agree why I keep saying she is my ROCK! She is always there for me, unshakeable, always calm, always dependable, always full of positive attitude, always supportive and always strong.

Tinashe, you are my rock and I count you as my privilege. Thank you for standing by me through thick and thin. I am grateful knowing that I can count on your strength. I am grateful that I can ask for your support and know you will go to any length. Your comfort soothes and brings me back to what is priority in life.

And, thank y'all for the beautiful messages and your continued support!! I appreciate y'all and could never do this without you! The biggest thing for me in all this is knowing the people that are special to me and how wide that network is. I would not be here writing this without all your support. Thank you and I love y'all......


Until next time y'all, be kind and be good to yourself......

In Sheep's Clothing....

How can you think of saying, "Friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in you eye, when you can't see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye, then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your frend's eye (Luke 6:42).

Have you ever come across certain people at the work place who pretend to be all smiles and nice in your face. But, the minute you turn your back the daggers are all out??? Unfortunately, I have got one or more of these I am dealing with currently and I have gone home with severe headaches. So, to relieve my stress, I decided to hit the library and came up with George Simon's book, "In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People". Quite an interesting read I must say and a hit on the bulls eye! Granted, stress is the last thing I need to check off my bucket list of goals of healing. (Studies show stress hormones make it easier for malignant tumours to grow and spread).  Of course, I don't want that to happen! So, I decided to expand my consciousness because the last time I had such experiences of underhanded ways people fight in their daily endeavours was in high school. You know when you had these two mean girls constantly ganging up on you in high school? Thats how it feels - AWFUL!!!! And by the way, I looked up underhanded and here is what I came up with: lack of straightforwardness and honesty in action, craftiness, deviousness, shadiness, shiftiness, slyness, sneakiness. Phew! that sounds absolutely awful and distasteful!

How does this play out? Don't ask for my opinion then get mad when I tell you how I feel and you intentionally throw in those sarcastic jabs in response. Why do you seem to relish in taking verbal jabs at me? Sarcasm is defined as "to tear flesh, gnash the teeth or speak bitterly". Wow! How sad...  Isn't that hypocritical? I think it is because hypocrites are deceitful and phoney. Professing one set of beliefs while living by another. Other scenarios are when the aggressor refuses to admit that they have done something hurtful and play the "Who.... Me.. Thats not what I meant..?" tactic inviting the victim to feel unjustified in confronting the aggressor about the inappropriateness of a behaviour whether its insensitivity, gossiping, backstabbing or the usual shadiness. Mind you, these individuals use backstabbing tactics only fit for losers. These individuals already believe that they are smarter and completely superior to humanity as a whole. They are narcissist, selfish and self centered. They are always telling everyone they are good hearted, they love peace and love everyone to get along. Blah blah blah Bullshit! excuse my French! They carry their angel wings, halo and fluffy white robe like they are the best thing God ever created. If you catch them they always have a story which does not make any sense at all. They run for positive lime light and like roaches scurry for darkness when the results for negative behaviours are being served. Their motivation is to look good at any cost. I think you are getting the drift of what I am saying.... These are toxic people who like to accuse, tantrum, manipulate and smear their way to getting their way or causing a fight. Their out of control emotions and self-centredness make the blame game and the smear campaign two of their favorite tactics for keeping you engaged with them so they can feed off you. These shady characters love to point fingers and never accept responsibility for anything. They make a lot of noise. Like my mother used to say, an empty can makes a lot of noise - it is true because their mouth is always going and going.....they are loud...blabbermouths and you wonder when they are you going to shut up??? Oh! God! Sometimes I just need my quiet moments because they are my healing moments.

Anyway, my philosophy in life is simple;  I believe life is too short to wake up with any regrets. So, I love the people who treat me right and I forget about the ones who don't. I guess I have reached a place in my life where I just need to let go of all the pointless drama and the people that create it and surround myself with people who make me laugh such that I forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy. I have learnt that many people are like garbage trucks. Running around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger and full of disappointment. As the garbage piles up these people look for a place to dump it. And if you let them they will dump it on you. My two cents, when someone wants to dump on you don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well and keep it moving. Believe me, you'll be happier. Do you often engage with people who take pleasure in espousing crazy talk, negativity or languishing in the past? Here is my piece of advice, if you are surrounded by the former, I recommend weeding your personal garden of buzz kills, complainers, controllers and drama queens. Today, as I move forward, I just let go of these toxic people whom I just met yesterday and are trying to bring garbage and toxicity into my life. So, I am dropping the rope immediately and walking away. I just remembered I am surrounded by abundant love - my amazingly huge family and friends! So, letting go feels liberating, exhilerating and empowering. I feel renewed! Until next time, be kind to yourselves....

Life After Treatment

Wow! My last blog was in February and it sure feels like ages! Well, I am still here pushing on and keeping on! I can't believe I have not posted for such a long time. People think cancer diagnosis is a crisis, others think treatment itself is a crisis. I am here to let y'all know the end of treatment can be a crisis too! I have been in a crisis mode lately.  My new normal is very different. My values and priorities have changed significantly in terms of this new lease of life or rather a second chance that others did not get. But, with starting a new job, I suddenly realized how much self worth I had lost. I found myself doubting my capacity to take on this challenge given my fragile health.... I did feel doubts creeping in. The truth is I have been doing a lot of reflection for the past month, ummm.. I mean worrying - like most cancer survivors will tell you. Even though I completed treatment, I continue to worry and have these hundred questions in my head. I keep asking myself, Am I cured? Why do some lymph nodes feel enlarged? Is the disease still there? Can it come back again? Oh! boy! the nerves are still here. But, for sure I am doing just fine. Thank you my friends and family for continuing to hold me during those times when my spirit is weak and feeble. I could not do this alone!

Update on my new job. I love my new job because it is a combination of working with wonderful personalities and I love what I do. Am I allowed the bragging rights? Well, I got blessed with this amazing job with full medical and dental benefits where I am treated so well I cannot even begin to describe it enough. My supervisors and my colleagues are nothing but just what the doctor ordered. Not only a unionized environment but the most loving and caring people I have ever come across! I can attend my doctor's appointments without stress and I can work from home when I am not well. Literally, I feel like I am working with my family members. So, how cool is that?

The good news is I just saw my doctor last week and was told that I am in partial remission. Remission does not mean cure, it just means the tumours are largely reduced. Doctors are always wary to say you are cured because Lymphomas are known to recur. So Doctors wait for few years before they are confident that you disease will not return. Only after that can they tell you that you are cured. Just because the cancer is in remission does not mean the fight is over emotionally or physically. I continue to have good days and some bad days. I continue to struggle with aches and pains. I continue to struggle with fatigue but the gym is a great help in that regard. It gives me a burst of energy. I am still not able to produce saliva because of the radiation. So, what that means is I have to keep drinking fluids and have to keep waking up in the middle of the night lest my mouth falls apart. The radiation did a number on my teeth. My fillings fell out and I have seven cavities. You heard right! Who knew that this whole journey would cost me my teeth? Anyway, I have started having my weekly dental appointments and hopefully will finish at the end of this month.

Anyway, I am doing my best these days to stick to the script where I embrace the goodness of life and appreciate that I am alive. I am deeply grateful! The truth is I am not doing so with much conviction. I cannot deny the residue left by cancer on my whole being and moreso my psyche. I love though speaking in the past tense that I had cancer or I am a cancer survivor. It makes me feel really powerful and ignites a light in my heart. The bottom line for me is that I am just appreciating life. I am taking nothing for granted. So, what that means is I now have only good days or great days.

Epilogue - My Final Chapter

I hold close to my heart the vivid memories of when this journey began. Apart from the tears and sadness, there were many life lessons learned. I recall searching the web for answers -  big mistake if you ask me! I used to read a lot of cancer blogs on the internet and I got scared but at the same time I was inspired by other incredible people who had travelled the same journey or are still on the ride like me. What caught my attention was that most blogs just ended suddenly and I was left wondering what happened to those people. However, after I began to slack on my postings myself, I realized that once you start feeling better you lose that passion because of the excitement of getting back into the swing of things. I am going to keep this blog up because even though I dont have too much to report on, I will keep updating about how I am doing as I move to new projects. I have started working on a social work dot com that is going to be a real kicker. Follow me on my musings as a regular person making a lasting commitment to making a real difference in our world. You will not want to miss it for anything. Just stay tuned.....

Anyway, recently I was having an epic conversation with Tinashe and she was telling me how excited she was that I am feeling so much better now and I am able to run that treadmill, break a sweat and pump some iron at the gym. Then, she asked me if cancer had changed my life or what I would change going forward?  Wow! I thought for a while - honestly, I remain ambivalent about my prognosis and cannot help but wonder what tomorrow brings. I have hated every day of this cancer nightmare, but I am appreciative of y'all for being there for me every step of the way. I have had more help than other people in my situation and I am grateful. Gratitude is what I have in my heart and in my spirit. Sorry, I digressed…. I pondered how has it changed me? I guess, I am more cognizant than ever that life is short and that it is important to grab hold of life everyday - appreciate it and give thanks that you have yet another day to breathe, laugh, love and enjoy just being... Knowing that life has an expiration date made me stop putting off doing the things that I love. You are wondering what things are those? I mean giving myself permission just to be silly. To do the things I used to enjoy when I was young like travelling, cycling, jogging and all the silly things that used to make me laugh. I will jump on the couch because it is there. I will bounce on the bed because I can. I will find new things to do. Make new friends, learn a new sport, ride a bike with my children who are avid cyclists already. I will give more hugs and say thanks for just being alive.

How has it changed me? Its interesting that, I have read about how after cancer, other people descend into depression or quit their jobs to reduce stress, some people turn vegetarian and give up alcohol. Others find God while for some relationships collapse. Thank God, my partner of six years never wavered. He held my hand, wiped my tears and stood by me selflessly. He is such a trooper and I love him to death. As for me? I am not going to sit here and start sounding all sentimental, mushy or philosophical. I just feel so blessed and am not shy to say that I am an overcomer. I never stopped dreaming big! Anyhow, once I got to learn and understand that Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is a result of very, very bad luck and is likely not related in anyway to lifestyle choices I decided, I am changing nothing because I love my life. Maybe, I will do more with each day and strive to get more out of each moment and to see the positive in most situations. I would like to eat more organic fresh vegetables and fruits, particularly from the farmer’s markets. I would like to be more physically active. And most important, take more vacations and just enjoy life. I will continue to follow my passion of being a social worker. Honestly, my life is more meaningful aligned to this abiding passion. I love being a social worker because for me, it is not a job but a vocation or calling. What’s more, it provides the tremendous satisfaction of helping others, which is, more than enough reward.

On a side note, I just accepted an amazing social work leadership job opportunity, amazing salary package, amazing team/colleagues and great working hours with an amazing health centre/clinic. Such is Amazing Grace! I am highly favoured and walking in the victory of God's sanctifying grace! It is faith and assured belief that made me sure of things I hoped for. I cannot believe that I am going back to work after one year hiatus. Phew!!! feels like it was two years. The idea of returning to work is giving me euphoria and I am loving it! Now, I do feel like I have control of my life once again. I just feel victorious and motivated to do an equally amazing job in this incredible role. I am so thrilled and cannot believe I am at this victorious place called HAPPY! Its funny how illness makes you feel hollow and empty inside. To be honest, during this experience, I did feel my confidence slowly slipping away. I experienced those weird moments of self doubt and defeat. But now, the sky is looking blue and I can see the rainbow shining brightly in the horizon! Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. I am happy because I am living and taking in every moment, embracing life and its complexities!

Admittedly, there are problems and sadness in life but our universe is full of abundance and boundless opportunities, if only we could see them. Trust me, the possibilities are without number! I am sure some of you are wondering What? How? When did that happen? Well, it all happened because like they say, when one door of happiness closes, many more open, but often we look so long at the closed door that we fail to see the one which has opened for us. My golden door opened last week and I boldly walked into the fountain of life. I refuse to be defined by cancer because I am more than cancer. I consider myself a winner and victorious given the circumstances. I am now unswervingly focused on my goal to be the change I want to see in the world as I pursue this amazing calling.

Remember, this is not a goodbye but just an epilogue – a final chapter to my journey we victoriously travelled together. I will continue to post about how my health is going. And stay tuned for the dot com which will have even more sizzling narratives of an ambivalent social worker aka survivor.

Be well, Be happy, Be kind and try to do one nice thing a day. You never know whose life you may touch today, tomorrow or ever.

As always, Stay tuned........

Forgiveness

Appreciating life is being able to wake up in the morning and knowing that the world is not perfect and that it is important to be in tune with both the negative and positive. Rather than grieve over life it is better to appreciate it with its ups and downs. Today, I just wanted to reflect on Forgiveness. To quote the words of a wise man, Mahatma Ghandi, "Forgiveness is a special attribute of the strong". Though, forgiveness is elusive, I believe I possess those strong qualities because I try to live my life walking forgiveness. I never let the sun go down on my wrath or an argument. In my life, I have learnt forgiveness the hard way. This is because I learnt that, to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you all along! How profound! I believe forgiveness is a journey similar to the journey with Hodgkin's that I am undertaking right now, where you want the cancer grip to be lessened but don't have an inclination of how or will power to follow through. Forgiveness loosens the grip and holds the key to our own happiness as we stop defining ourselves by the way we have been hurt.

Some may argue that each individual has a right to their indignation and that some things are too despicable to forgive. My argument is that forgiveness is all about finding peace in your heart and has very little to do with the other person. To withhold forgiveness means you are choosing to remain a victim. Therefore, forgiveness is a simple act of imagining a future based on the possibility that your hurt will not be the final word on the matter. Forgiveness has the power to give you control over your life by taking responsibility of your past in order to change your future. Therefore, forgiveness is a gift you can choose to give yourself. Forgiveness is not just about forgiving others it is about forgiving yourself as well. In fact, learning to forgive ourselves is much harder than forgiving others. This is because it is difficult to let go of that critical voice narrating your every move.

I do not want to sound too philosophical (like my children would remind me all the time) but, in my view forgiveness does have the immense power to turn misery into joy; it means choosing to let go and moving on. Who can question the beauty of moving on? When someone you love and trust hurts you it is easy to become very angry, bitter, sad or confused. But, dwelling on such hurtful events or situations and grudges can result in resentment and hostility all of which has been scientifically proven is detrimental to one's health. Look who is talking... I guess when mortality knocks on your door, there is a deep sense of intuition that propels you to become in tune with the meaning of life and the things that make us better human beings. I have learnt in my life that forgiveness has the power to change us from prisoners of the past to liberated people who are at peace with our memories. Don't get me wrong, forgiveness is not about forgetting what has been done to us. It is about accepting that we have a choice to make our future much more than dwelling on past hurts. I believe forgiveness is making that choice to restore faith in ourselves and our complex lives. Again, forgiving does not mean that you forget. You can forgive and still feel the pain tomorrow all over again.  The difference is that as life goes on when you feel that pain, you choose to remember that you have forgiven and proceed on your journey to happiness. Time has a way of dulling that kind of pain and it will eventually fade.

When I speak of negative feelings of hurt, I know how they can control you to the extent that it crowds out any positive feelings you may have for that person. I must admit, I have found myself more than I care to count, almost swallowed up by such bitterness and found myself just feeling that horrible sense of injustice that makes you an ugly person inside. I am not embarrassed to confess these feelings because I know for a fact that forgiveness is not an easy topic for many people. However, I am living testament that forgiveness can lead the person who hurt you to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion. I must confess that forgiveness is not an easy thing to do and I will be the first one to admit that I am still work in progress. At times I just feel like a precariously broken bridge under construction. I am sure you are all wondering where I am going with all this....Today I received a letter that melted my heart confirming the beauty of forgiveness that I am professing here. I received a letter from Tapfuma's dad whom I have not spoken too in a long time, as I continue to celebrate life because I believe a birthday should be celebrated for more than a day because life is such a unique gift that keeps on giving. This letter which I am going to share with ya'll just reminded me about the power of forgiveness, particularly its power to compel compassion and understanding.

Thank you Ticharwa Garabga for this life defining moment of how we move forward. Being the successful and brilliant lawyer that you are, I certainly appreciate your humility and courage to admit you were wrong. It means a lot to me. Most of all, I appreciate all the memorable love, happiness and goodness you brought to my life over the years and the gift of life that is Tapfuma. I forgave you a long time ago and today, I forgive you again because I know that you are a good man, but now you need to be a good dad - its never too late to pick up the pieces. For the ten years we were together I have nothing bad to say about you. Really, you were truly an amazing man! And I know it is the distance that set  us apart and I understand that living in different countries can be a challenge. I remember I used to call you "Mr. Charming" - for good reason and you gave that same charm, confidence, intelligence and sensitivity to your son. He is a true winner in life! He has swagga and is just your replica incarnate! I just don't know what happened with you being the best dad you always were for almost half of his life. I want you to know that being a good man alone is not enough when you have brought an innocent life into this world. You assume a new and coveted role of "fatherhood". There is never a good reason enough that can ever justify abandoning your key responsibilities and role as a father - except selfishness of course! Lest you have forgotten, boys need constant modelling from their fathers so that they can learn how to manage and appreciate their masculinity particularly how to relate to females and other males. I am sure you do not want your son to suffer from the negative experience of emotional numbness or selective amnesia of recalling the hurt of abandonment. Anyway, I think I have said enough.

Moving forward, lets bury the hatchet and hope that you do the right thing and be present in your son's life because you brought him into this world. Above all, I hope you can avail yourself to answer for yourself his poignant questions which are: "Why is my dad such a prick to ignore me like this? I never asked to be born" "Why doesn't my dad like me?" "What did I do to him not to care about me?" (he says). Those are the most difficult and painful questions a child can ask and leave a capable mother like me speechless and chocking in tears. It is not my intention to chide you in this public space but I am compelled by the circumstances of being confronted with my own mortality to just speak out and hopefully knock some sense into you. I don't take anything for granted anymore and I am more fearful than I used to be. Life just feels so fragile. I have done my part of telling your son, What and How everything happened but it is your duty to deal with the Why? because you hold those answers. I have given him the starting point that, no matter our feelings or perspective, there is one great commandment with a promise that compels us to honour our father and mother so that our days may be many in the land that Jehovah our God gave us. Still, your son needs you because I believe, just as children need parameters, all of us adults need some kind of yardstick by which we can measure ourselves as parents. It is my strong belief that seeking to define that which makes us good parents no matter how far apart we are, leads us towards a critical consideration of those responsibilities which are greater than the self. With that said, here is the beautiful and touching letter from a man I respect and still hold in high regard because in my skewed view, his goodness surpasses his mistakes:

Dear Amai Tapfuma,

I may not have joined on your journey but I want to let you know I follow it religiously. I am short of anything to say because despite all the education and exposure, I always shall remain the rusti cultured person I believe I am and shall always be. I read your birthday message to Tapfuma- Chikonamombe, I shed a tear or more. You are a wonderful God given parent not just to him but to all your kids. 21st September is a day I always bear in mind like I do the birthdays  of all my children. I was saying Tapfuma is now 18 that day. Some mysteriously originated e-mail message is the distance between me and my son and being both proud Garabga's the impasse continues. Please intervene, I am ready to swallow my pride.

Do carry on, on the journey, I shall continue to follow.

Baba vaTapfuma- Mbuya Chikonamombe.