Life After Treatment

Wow! My last blog was in February and it sure feels like ages! Well, I am still here pushing on and keeping on! I can't believe I have not posted for such a long time. People think cancer diagnosis is a crisis, others think treatment itself is a crisis. I am here to let y'all know the end of treatment can be a crisis too! I have been in a crisis mode lately.  My new normal is very different. My values and priorities have changed significantly in terms of this new lease of life or rather a second chance that others did not get. But, with starting a new job, I suddenly realized how much self worth I had lost. I found myself doubting my capacity to take on this challenge given my fragile health.... I did feel doubts creeping in. The truth is I have been doing a lot of reflection for the past month, ummm.. I mean worrying - like most cancer survivors will tell you. Even though I completed treatment, I continue to worry and have these hundred questions in my head. I keep asking myself, Am I cured? Why do some lymph nodes feel enlarged? Is the disease still there? Can it come back again? Oh! boy! the nerves are still here. But, for sure I am doing just fine. Thank you my friends and family for continuing to hold me during those times when my spirit is weak and feeble. I could not do this alone!

Update on my new job. I love my new job because it is a combination of working with wonderful personalities and I love what I do. Am I allowed the bragging rights? Well, I got blessed with this amazing job with full medical and dental benefits where I am treated so well I cannot even begin to describe it enough. My supervisors and my colleagues are nothing but just what the doctor ordered. Not only a unionized environment but the most loving and caring people I have ever come across! I can attend my doctor's appointments without stress and I can work from home when I am not well. Literally, I feel like I am working with my family members. So, how cool is that?

The good news is I just saw my doctor last week and was told that I am in partial remission. Remission does not mean cure, it just means the tumours are largely reduced. Doctors are always wary to say you are cured because Lymphomas are known to recur. So Doctors wait for few years before they are confident that you disease will not return. Only after that can they tell you that you are cured. Just because the cancer is in remission does not mean the fight is over emotionally or physically. I continue to have good days and some bad days. I continue to struggle with aches and pains. I continue to struggle with fatigue but the gym is a great help in that regard. It gives me a burst of energy. I am still not able to produce saliva because of the radiation. So, what that means is I have to keep drinking fluids and have to keep waking up in the middle of the night lest my mouth falls apart. The radiation did a number on my teeth. My fillings fell out and I have seven cavities. You heard right! Who knew that this whole journey would cost me my teeth? Anyway, I have started having my weekly dental appointments and hopefully will finish at the end of this month.

Anyway, I am doing my best these days to stick to the script where I embrace the goodness of life and appreciate that I am alive. I am deeply grateful! The truth is I am not doing so with much conviction. I cannot deny the residue left by cancer on my whole being and moreso my psyche. I love though speaking in the past tense that I had cancer or I am a cancer survivor. It makes me feel really powerful and ignites a light in my heart. The bottom line for me is that I am just appreciating life. I am taking nothing for granted. So, what that means is I now have only good days or great days.

The End is Near of this Cancer Journey!

It been a while since I updated my blog. Many things have been happening since and all good I must say. After being sick in my last post, my oncologist nipped it in the bud. After taking antibiotics the balance returned. I have been feeling well and excited about the end of this journey.

First off, I must say that the end is near for me to beat this damn cancer. Great news! my CT scans came back with the tumours largely reduced and I require another extensive scan scheduled for March. Just hearing that piece of news is euphoric. Can you believe after treatment you have to get regular report cards. Its like school all over again. Once all is said and done you just want to know where you stand in terms of the magic words. I cannot wait for the doctor to utter those special words, "You are in remission!" Remission means that the lymphoma has been eliminated or reduced. When the tumour is completely gone, doctors call it "complete remission". When the tumour has been largely reduced but it still remains, it is called, a "partial remission". What is interesting about lymphoma is that even if your disease stands eliminated after treatment is over, it is still not called a cure. Why? I also asked. It is because lymphomas have a chance of recurring and often doctors will wait for a few years before being confident that the disease will not return. Only then can the doctor tell you that you are cured. I am scheduled for another appointment in March which is a few weeks from now. In any case, I am so thrilled that despite the speed bumps, I have been experiencing along the way, life is good! I am taking the life canvas and rewriting my own script particularly, how I feel it should look like. I am thinking, indeed, I am the great champion of my own life. Therefore, as my favourite philosopher Friedrich Nietzche states,"He who has a "why" to live can bear with almost any "how". I am at that special place where I am just trying to find the hows and moving on. Yeah, I am keeping it moving...

With the tumours largely reduced, surviving cancer and making it through the chemo and radiation are my major accomplishments so far. Now that I will be joining the special group of champions called survivors, I am finding new priorities in life, i.e. exercising to get my groove back and yes job hunting!  I am ready to put all that graduate theory into practice. I have been frequenting the gym religiously and boy! its the best thing I have done for myself so far! I feel my groove is coming back, I do feel production of those endorphins being triggered and everything is coming together. I have less fatigue and more mentally alert than I have ever been. Its funny today I went to the gym very early in the morning and two very interesting people were running beside me on the treadmill. One special lady with a bald head whom I later learnt she completed breast cancer treatment in August but is still struggling with fatigue and all the other bull shit. I thought, wow! I am not alone! How fate keeps placing me in the right place at the right time. We instantly became friends and its funny how we have so much in common and so much to reminisce and laugh about. The other was a 68 year old man who was proud to share his age and how the gym has saved his life. Well, I am just so glad that this journey is coming to an end and all in all has been quite educational and life changing in many ways.

I am just glad to be here at this point and wishing I could drink a glass of champagne to celebrate the progress and ultimate good news.

Thank you for always listening to my rants!