The End is Near of this Cancer Journey!

It been a while since I updated my blog. Many things have been happening since and all good I must say. After being sick in my last post, my oncologist nipped it in the bud. After taking antibiotics the balance returned. I have been feeling well and excited about the end of this journey.

First off, I must say that the end is near for me to beat this damn cancer. Great news! my CT scans came back with the tumours largely reduced and I require another extensive scan scheduled for March. Just hearing that piece of news is euphoric. Can you believe after treatment you have to get regular report cards. Its like school all over again. Once all is said and done you just want to know where you stand in terms of the magic words. I cannot wait for the doctor to utter those special words, "You are in remission!" Remission means that the lymphoma has been eliminated or reduced. When the tumour is completely gone, doctors call it "complete remission". When the tumour has been largely reduced but it still remains, it is called, a "partial remission". What is interesting about lymphoma is that even if your disease stands eliminated after treatment is over, it is still not called a cure. Why? I also asked. It is because lymphomas have a chance of recurring and often doctors will wait for a few years before being confident that the disease will not return. Only then can the doctor tell you that you are cured. I am scheduled for another appointment in March which is a few weeks from now. In any case, I am so thrilled that despite the speed bumps, I have been experiencing along the way, life is good! I am taking the life canvas and rewriting my own script particularly, how I feel it should look like. I am thinking, indeed, I am the great champion of my own life. Therefore, as my favourite philosopher Friedrich Nietzche states,"He who has a "why" to live can bear with almost any "how". I am at that special place where I am just trying to find the hows and moving on. Yeah, I am keeping it moving...

With the tumours largely reduced, surviving cancer and making it through the chemo and radiation are my major accomplishments so far. Now that I will be joining the special group of champions called survivors, I am finding new priorities in life, i.e. exercising to get my groove back and yes job hunting!  I am ready to put all that graduate theory into practice. I have been frequenting the gym religiously and boy! its the best thing I have done for myself so far! I feel my groove is coming back, I do feel production of those endorphins being triggered and everything is coming together. I have less fatigue and more mentally alert than I have ever been. Its funny today I went to the gym very early in the morning and two very interesting people were running beside me on the treadmill. One special lady with a bald head whom I later learnt she completed breast cancer treatment in August but is still struggling with fatigue and all the other bull shit. I thought, wow! I am not alone! How fate keeps placing me in the right place at the right time. We instantly became friends and its funny how we have so much in common and so much to reminisce and laugh about. The other was a 68 year old man who was proud to share his age and how the gym has saved his life. Well, I am just so glad that this journey is coming to an end and all in all has been quite educational and life changing in many ways.

I am just glad to be here at this point and wishing I could drink a glass of champagne to celebrate the progress and ultimate good news.

Thank you for always listening to my rants!

CT PET Scan after Chemo

After all the waiting, today was my appointment to do the CT Scan to check whether chemo had shrunk the cancer tumors.  As usual, this involves needle poking and lying down in that donought looking machine.  This time it was not so bad because I am now used to the process. The IV was placed in my arm and the concoction is supposed to go in any area of my body with abnormal cellular activity. When we got home, I was not feeling too great. Just nausea and queasiness.  I took my anti-nausea medicines before going to bed hoping this would do the trick.

My morning began at 3am when I suddenly felt this urgent need to throw up. It was so sudden that I did not have enough time to make it to the bathroom. I am sorry for too much information but I did promise to keep this as honest as possible. Yeah, I projectiled just as I stepped out of my bedroom. It was a hot mess I must say, from the hallway all the way to the bathroom. Tinashe woke up and I could see her standing there stunned and just speechless. When I was done throwing up, we began cleaning like it was daylight. We took out the clorox bleach and the work began. It took us almost a hour before the job was done. We took hot showers after this and went back to bed without saying a single word to each other. The whole episode was just shocking, I guess we both were dumb founded. Thank God my next appointment the following day is at 3pm in the afternoon so at least I can catch up on some sleep.   

Staging Procedure # 4: CT Scan

As the chemo countdown continues, I had the final staging test which is the CT scan. Some more needle poking and hopefully the last but not least of many more to come. I am sure by now everyone is familiar with this kind of test which is thorough in that it shows the detailed image of internal organs. For me, my test was centered on my head and my chest. The CT scan will help my oncologist determine if the lymph notes in my head or chest are enlarged. The CT scan involved taking several pictures as it rotates around upper body. Before the scan, I was given an IV injection which stayed in my arm throughout the process. The procedure took 1 hour of just being still. The IV was used to inject a contrast dye that helps outline the abnormal areas in my body.  When the dye is injected you get a feeling of warmth and funny taste in the mouth. During the test you life still on the table as it moves in and out of the scanner which looks like a big ring or donought. No big deal though. However, I like the way you are given this big talk about how some people can get allergic reaction to the dye resulting in hives or trouble breathing. Then they give you a special card in case something happens to take the card with you to the emergency. Well, thank you very much for just reminding me how much toxicity I am willingly getting into my body.

Sometimes its not about Winning its about Healing...

Obviously, I have not blogged since yesterday. I spent most of the day sleeping. The reason being that, I have not been feeling too great. But, I promise that I will be back soon with a vengeance because today I woke up thinking that its not about winning this battle its about healing for me. That way, I can choose how I want to feel each day. So far, nothing major to report, just the extreme chest pains and fatigue that seem to persist. Now, I am trying to read," Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for Dummies" with the hope of getting some tips on how to manage. Now I understand the difference between feeling tired and fatigue. They are completely two different things. This fatigue is paralyzing and impacting my daily functioning. No, don't worry, I am fatigued but I can still care for myself and when I feel up to it I still engage in my favourite past-time  - cooking. Anyway, today, I went into the hospital this morning just to do a mere CT scan which I thought would take at least an hour but turned into a nightmare. Guess what, I spent the whole day at the hospital from 8am to 6pm. So, I got home feeling beat, I slept from 7pm now its almost 12 midnight. After the hospital visit, my partner suggested we go out and eat but I did not have the energy. He tried to entice me because he knows my love for lobster and crab legs particularly the ones at this nice restaurant called "The Red Lobster" but it did not work. I was feeling so exhausted, Can you believe I was told not to eat anything before the CT scan? Yeah, I was feeling hungry or is it famished? And realized that missing food for the whole day doesn't kill - In fact, eating three meals a day is a luxury if you ask me. I ended up being moved from one room to the next and being hooked up to this pick line and more blood work, drinking this awful stuff to allow for a CT Scan where you are then injected this horrible dye into your body. Yes, you feel your whole body burning and the stuff comes into your mouth like toxic fumes. With your hands above your head you are glided into this machine that looks like a doughnut. Then someone, speaks to you giving instructions from another room on a microphone. The dye is injected into the vein while the other is swallowed in liquid form. After asking why, I was advised this helps the organs or tissue to show up more clearly. No, its not that bad just uncomfortable.

After the whole process, I went on a diarrhea spree... very embarrassing - I guess its the dye. Whatever man! I hate cancer if you ask me...Its like it invades your body does whatever it wants with you. Its alright I will keep looking at the silver lining under this dark cloud.  I spent the whole day in the hospital today not a a pleasant experience at all. But, as always, the nurses and doctors ever so pleasant and make you feel better just the way they handle you. Today, I also got the news  that I am still on the waiting list to see the oncologist in order to begin the "Staging Process".  This disease has taught me to be patient. I know some of you are wondering why is it taking so long?  Yeah, I am not the only one with cancer people.... a wait list means there are more of us out there. Please don't ask that question because you will only make me feel more agitated and anxious. Just continue to be patient with me. For those who don't know, Staging is the most important part of understanding the growth patterns and aggressiveness of the cancer cells. Stages of  Hodgkin's lymphoma range from Stage I through to Stage IV and categorized based on where the cancer is found (see the earlier posting with diagram showing lymphatic system) or spread including symptoms presented by patient. Staging determines if the cancer cells have spread to other parts of the body. Staging is also used to help the doctor plan the treatment based on whether the lymphoma is low grade or moderate growth or high grade. Those terms are self explanatory. It sounds like going to the butcher or super market to buy meat based on the grade. Remember back home we used to buy meat based on grade??? First being the best and so on... Ha ha ha that is really something. Truth be told,  I feel so exhausted and so burnt out. But, will be back soon.  Just need some shut eye for now.  I just need to get my energy back and yeah I need that funny bone while I wait.....

By the way, for all those trying to call me on the phone, I appreciate the sentiments. But, for now I don't have the energy or courage to speak on the phone it takes every little thing that I have. In fact, it has become one of the most challenging and exhausting tasks that I have removed from my to-do-list.  I love y'all and hope you understand I need time before I am able to converse on the phone. You know how hard it is when everyone is asking the same question, "How are you doing? or Oh, I am sorry"  Of course, I am not doing well. I am trying my best to put the best foot forward and all your good thoughts and messages are lifting me up. I appreciate.  However, the pity words just make me break down and go back to square one. Pity turns me into putty and I cannot be putty right now. I am trying to turn this difficulty into an opportunity for greater things to come; stepping stones to greater experience. Yes, I may appear strong but the truth is, I am still crying despite that I am holding on to the wings of hope. Its just that, I realize that life without hope is meaningless. So I an concentrating on what is good in every encounter in this journey so that my life can be filled with gratitude. It is for these reasons that I decided to communicate with y'all through this blog. Again, thank y'all for all the messages they are my anchor and wind beneath my wings. Keep them flowing..   For now, stay tuned  I promised, I will keep y'all updated.  I appreciate each and every one of you with every bone in my body you are are keeping me strong because at times, our own light goes out and is rekindled by sparks from others which you are all doing. Thanks y'all and stay tuned.....