Sometimes its not about Winning its about Healing...

Obviously, I have not blogged since yesterday. I spent most of the day sleeping. The reason being that, I have not been feeling too great. But, I promise that I will be back soon with a vengeance because today I woke up thinking that its not about winning this battle its about healing for me. That way, I can choose how I want to feel each day. So far, nothing major to report, just the extreme chest pains and fatigue that seem to persist. Now, I am trying to read," Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for Dummies" with the hope of getting some tips on how to manage. Now I understand the difference between feeling tired and fatigue. They are completely two different things. This fatigue is paralyzing and impacting my daily functioning. No, don't worry, I am fatigued but I can still care for myself and when I feel up to it I still engage in my favourite past-time  - cooking. Anyway, today, I went into the hospital this morning just to do a mere CT scan which I thought would take at least an hour but turned into a nightmare. Guess what, I spent the whole day at the hospital from 8am to 6pm. So, I got home feeling beat, I slept from 7pm now its almost 12 midnight. After the hospital visit, my partner suggested we go out and eat but I did not have the energy. He tried to entice me because he knows my love for lobster and crab legs particularly the ones at this nice restaurant called "The Red Lobster" but it did not work. I was feeling so exhausted, Can you believe I was told not to eat anything before the CT scan? Yeah, I was feeling hungry or is it famished? And realized that missing food for the whole day doesn't kill - In fact, eating three meals a day is a luxury if you ask me. I ended up being moved from one room to the next and being hooked up to this pick line and more blood work, drinking this awful stuff to allow for a CT Scan where you are then injected this horrible dye into your body. Yes, you feel your whole body burning and the stuff comes into your mouth like toxic fumes. With your hands above your head you are glided into this machine that looks like a doughnut. Then someone, speaks to you giving instructions from another room on a microphone. The dye is injected into the vein while the other is swallowed in liquid form. After asking why, I was advised this helps the organs or tissue to show up more clearly. No, its not that bad just uncomfortable.

After the whole process, I went on a diarrhea spree... very embarrassing - I guess its the dye. Whatever man! I hate cancer if you ask me...Its like it invades your body does whatever it wants with you. Its alright I will keep looking at the silver lining under this dark cloud.  I spent the whole day in the hospital today not a a pleasant experience at all. But, as always, the nurses and doctors ever so pleasant and make you feel better just the way they handle you. Today, I also got the news  that I am still on the waiting list to see the oncologist in order to begin the "Staging Process".  This disease has taught me to be patient. I know some of you are wondering why is it taking so long?  Yeah, I am not the only one with cancer people.... a wait list means there are more of us out there. Please don't ask that question because you will only make me feel more agitated and anxious. Just continue to be patient with me. For those who don't know, Staging is the most important part of understanding the growth patterns and aggressiveness of the cancer cells. Stages of  Hodgkin's lymphoma range from Stage I through to Stage IV and categorized based on where the cancer is found (see the earlier posting with diagram showing lymphatic system) or spread including symptoms presented by patient. Staging determines if the cancer cells have spread to other parts of the body. Staging is also used to help the doctor plan the treatment based on whether the lymphoma is low grade or moderate growth or high grade. Those terms are self explanatory. It sounds like going to the butcher or super market to buy meat based on the grade. Remember back home we used to buy meat based on grade??? First being the best and so on... Ha ha ha that is really something. Truth be told,  I feel so exhausted and so burnt out. But, will be back soon.  Just need some shut eye for now.  I just need to get my energy back and yeah I need that funny bone while I wait.....

By the way, for all those trying to call me on the phone, I appreciate the sentiments. But, for now I don't have the energy or courage to speak on the phone it takes every little thing that I have. In fact, it has become one of the most challenging and exhausting tasks that I have removed from my to-do-list.  I love y'all and hope you understand I need time before I am able to converse on the phone. You know how hard it is when everyone is asking the same question, "How are you doing? or Oh, I am sorry"  Of course, I am not doing well. I am trying my best to put the best foot forward and all your good thoughts and messages are lifting me up. I appreciate.  However, the pity words just make me break down and go back to square one. Pity turns me into putty and I cannot be putty right now. I am trying to turn this difficulty into an opportunity for greater things to come; stepping stones to greater experience. Yes, I may appear strong but the truth is, I am still crying despite that I am holding on to the wings of hope. Its just that, I realize that life without hope is meaningless. So I an concentrating on what is good in every encounter in this journey so that my life can be filled with gratitude. It is for these reasons that I decided to communicate with y'all through this blog. Again, thank y'all for all the messages they are my anchor and wind beneath my wings. Keep them flowing..   For now, stay tuned  I promised, I will keep y'all updated.  I appreciate each and every one of you with every bone in my body you are are keeping me strong because at times, our own light goes out and is rekindled by sparks from others which you are all doing. Thanks y'all and stay tuned.....