After the Scare, How am I?

How am I? I always ask myself? Sometimes, I feel confident but sometimes I do feel scared. It can feel good to be done with treatment but at the same time it can be stressful. Everyday, I worry about the cancer coming back. I guess it will take a while for me to feel confident and have these constant fears somewhat relieved. I still feel constantly tired and achy but I should admit that I am on the improve. I still don't produce saliva in my mouth - a hallmark of radiation induced salivary gland dysfunction (a condition called Xerostomia or cotton mouth) and struggle with a very dry mouth and food tastes like sand and have difficulty swallowing, but I don't have cancer for now, so who cares about those things??? I take it as slow process of healing and appreciate the other good things in my life. Just looking at life as a big canvas

and summing it up in three words, "It Goes On"....

Granted, I had been taking the antibiotic prescribed by my radiation oncologist, I had hoped to feel better. Are you thinking what I think you are thinking? I did too, I thought shit! the tumours have come back. I was petrified! Remember the uncertainty I have talked about before? It can be nerve racking. As I checked myself in the mirror and I saw this incredibly big swelling on my left jaw I thought, "Did the combination chemo and radiation work? Why do some lymph nodes still feel so enlarged and painful too? Is this Hodgkin's still there? Has it come back again? A hundred questions filled my mind but one thing I know for sure is that I didn't panic. I guess its because since after treatment, I have found it really hard to get back to normal. I just feel so drained and fragile. Sometimes, I wake up feeling like I cannot cope with any more of life's challenges. But, I am glad that I have kept pushing myself to get back to normal understanding that what I went through was indeed life-changing. I may be scared but what I know for sure is no matter whats going on, I am concentrating on enjoying the present and being well again for the time being.

After my last post, the marble size lump grew bigger to kinda like golf ball size and it was throbbing and I could not stand anyone touching me on that spot. I could not turn my neck and my ear felt like it was going to blow up. Aarrrggh! That scared me out of my boots! We went to the emergency yesterday and after several tests the lump turned out to be an abscess and I hope its just that. The ER doctor performed what is called a needle aspiration and sent me home with a strong antibiotic and strong painkiller. A culture of the drainage was sent to the lab for further investigation. To aspirate is to withdraw fluid with a syringe after inserting the needle and pulling back on the plunger of the syringe. The freezing injection on my cheek was painful and yes, I screamed. But, I did not feel anything during the aspiration process. This young doctor was amazing! You may be wondering. Tinashe was there as usual holding my hand. This girl has become so strong she didn't even look away during the mini procedure. Now, you can agree why I keep saying she is my ROCK! She is always there for me, unshakeable, always calm, always dependable, always full of positive attitude, always supportive and always strong.

Tinashe, you are my rock and I count you as my privilege. Thank you for standing by me through thick and thin. I am grateful knowing that I can count on your strength. I am grateful that I can ask for your support and know you will go to any length. Your comfort soothes and brings me back to what is priority in life.

And, thank y'all for the beautiful messages and your continued support!! I appreciate y'all and could never do this without you! The biggest thing for me in all this is knowing the people that are special to me and how wide that network is. I would not be here writing this without all your support. Thank you and I love y'all......


Until next time y'all, be kind and be good to yourself......

A Time and a Season for Everything: Another special dedication to Rumbidzai

When I thought the day was almost over and I wait for tomorrow's aches, joys and surprises, I receive this special message from my beautiful niece who resembles me, Rumbidzai Chopamba the Acturial Scientist (I just needed to say that with much pride) my brother Chanda's daughter in England. Rumbi, thank you for this message and thank you for giving me so much strength and understanding that God is rebuilding his house, getting the drains right and stopping the roof from leaking. That is so profound! You see, I thought I was being made into a little cottage but like you said, I am being made into a palace. Yeah, now I am feeling all glamorous! Thank you Rumbi, for touching the core of my spirit. I love you and I appreciate you!

You know it’s really hard to start a letter like this one. At first I thought I should cheer you up and I thought of the million ways I could do that. I had the words I was going to say then I started writing , and needless to say.....Tete I am sorry that you have to go through this. I wish you did not have to , but then I am also glad you are. You see, I know that God never puts us through situations where the losses or pain experienced outweigh the gains. If the loss and the pain you are going through could somehow be avoided then , believe me He would have. My favourite bible author is Solomon. He has a poem where he talks about a time and a season for everything. And so like everything Tete, this disease will have its time and its season. And the wonderful thing about seasons is that they too must pass, albeit that some go on for longer than others, they do pass and they give way to new ones. LOL mashona tinoti “Chisingaperi chinoshura”. I guess in the lemons scenario I am more of a “ When life gives you lemons just eat your lemons ; you need them. And when your need for lemons expires you’ll receive something else.” Tete, I cannot say what will come or happen tomorrow but I know that God holds you in his arms. There is  pain or sorrow that  you feel sometimes, you know, there is the pain you can share and then there is that pain that sometimes that takes you to low places, in those times remember God understands, even more than you and I ever can. Sounds cliche , but boy is it true! what is trust or faith if not hoping against all hope and believing in the throes of diversity ? You know from when I was a young child, I have always been afraid of the dark. I laugh at myself still today, but its something that I have often failed to shake off. When I was a child I was afraid of the monsters and ghosts, which at the time, I believed, camped out in my cupboard during the day and would only came out at night to haunt me and steal me from my little bed. Now that I am older, my fears have also grown with me. Now I fear the fact that I cannot see the things around me. You see, I am not afraid anymore of monsters but I am afraid that I cannot see them. Darkness makes whatever power I have seem small and useless. It belittles me and fills my mind with all the horrid things that could be lurking around me, not monsters anymore but other things, thieves, death and such. Spiritual darkness I find is very similar whether this darkness is brought on by guilt, pain, shame or loss. It renders whatever confidence and hope one had during the day quite insignificant. Because we cannot see in darkness , the enemy takes this opportunity to magnify our worst fears and works on our minds to ensure that we are in constant worry and upset. Because we cannot see , we cannot challenge him, and just when you think you can make a stand something always comes and knocks you back down again. So, what do you do when you cannot see? You hold on to one who does. The one who says to you, whatever you did I can forgive, whatever your loss I can fill and whatever your pain I am able to heal. The one to whom darkness and light are the same so that nothing is hid from His eyes. And, if He can see all things then He alone truly knows how big those monsters lurking on your closet are and either way , He will always be much bigger than they can ever be. When your own sight fails Tete, hold on to the arm of God that is always stretched out for you. There is nothing you could ever explain that would shock Him or cause Him to become confused. He knows it already but He would just love it for you to tell Him yourself. And, when you have done so, trust that He is able to handle whatever it is you have left for Him to do. For if we are ever to approach God in the first place, then we must know full well that He is God and I know you do.

Have patience to wait upon Him and upon His promises. Wait. Just, wait. Stop worrying, stop crying, stop pestering and stop hovering. Just. Wait. In His own time, in His own way. Remember if you could handle it you would’ve but you gave it to Him (and don’t you hate it when someone keeps checking up on you when they’ve asked you to do something ?..............especially when you know exactly what you are doing?! God loves you as do I. So whatever darkness you are in now. Just hold on to His hand and remember that the forces and the powers that are on your side are greater than any power that rises against you. The Lord is with you, to hold you and to comfort you. God is here , to grant peace for your soul. The Spirit is here to keep you peaceful during the quiet fretful moments of your day.
Above all remember this, No matter what , no matter how chaotic things may be going, if God is never surprised then to Him its always going according to plan. He is in control. In other news Congratulations !!! ( In advance ) for the PHD . I must say I have had enough of books right now and I am not even close ! Quite far actually,...... sigh... finally A quote from my favourite author CS Lewis ( Mere Christianity).

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself. CS Lewis.

It Takes a Village...Another Dedication to Ramson... I so love my family.

I wish I could re-post all your messages but I cannot! I appreciate all your heartfelt words of encouragement. I want y'all to know I am riding on each and every one of your messages and staying strong. I feel the love y'all!!!! It is true that it does take a whole village to deal with any challenge! While this appears like an insurmountable mountain there sure is a valley at the bottom of the mountain.

Psalm 23:4 Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me, thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.

I am just dedicating today to appreciating beautiful messages from around the world that leave you tongue tied and uplifted. Here is another one from Ramson my nephew in England, Connie's son. I love you Rammie and thank you for turning me into a legend. I feel like one now thanks to you.... I am legend not cancer.....

You are a soldier and I'm not just saying this, but I have seen you in the thick of battles some of us wouldn't even dare to involve ourselves in. This is another battle and I know it's going to be another resounding victory. I'm SO proud of you. You're brave, courageous and in my eyes a living legend. Not many people share when faced with health challenges. I know you'll beat this nasty illness and in spirit I'm with you all the way. Will keep following your blog.. Love always...Rammie