Oh No....the Big 50 Five-OH!!!

For those of you who are not in the loop, tomorrow is my birthday so I thought that I might blog about what this means for me especially after cancer. Tomorrow, I will turn 50 years old. It is my first birthday since being diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma and going through chemo and radiation. I am just happy to be here and have the sun shining in this often cold place. I don't care how old I am turning. Some people would be thinking wow! that is jubilee celebrations - it gotta be big or how will I put it together. For me, all that is far from my thoughts. I know that at 50 "Ahhhh... is the sound I will make every time I sit down in a chair from now on and Uhhhhh... is the sound I will make every time I get up from a chair from now on. Then, I am thinking, as you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes and oops! I can't remember the other two... Good Lord, I am thinking this is crazy..

And... yeah  I remember before my diagnosis, I always said I would want my 50th to be big and fabulous. But, now my thoughts are very far and a bit different. I am thinking,Wow! I made it! I am looking back and doing a lot of reflection on what happened in my life just this past year and how much I have changed.....Don't get me wrong, I do feel privileged reaching this milestone but, I cannot shake off the feeling of my friends I journeyed with during chemo and did not make it. You are forever in my heart. May God rest your body and soul in peace. As the days got closer I kept thinking about the cancer friends I met during treatment and during this journey particularly those that are still struggling more than me. I could not help but keep thinking about those cancer friends I have lost over this short year. I survived and I feel privileged! Most of my friends and my family really wanted a big celebration but I found myself wanting really solitude.

Anyway, here I am after my diagnosis. I have a whole life ahead of me though much different than I had planned prior to my diagnosis. I keep wondering who would I be and what would I be doing had cancer never found its way into my life. This sure was a dramatic curve ball thrown my way which changed everything and will continue to change who I am for the rest of my life. But, the key thing is that I have my life and therefore, I will celebrate that with utmost joy and respect. Life is one of those rare gifts that I hold very close to my heart. I welcome this 50th birthday anniverary and look forward to an amazing year filled with new adventures and dreams to particularly run a marathon for Cancer cure next year.

With that said, I must admit that before cancer, I took everything for granted. Now, I appreciate every new day and put as much as I can into a day. In fact, when I hear people complain about little things, I have to take a pause and think before snapping at them because someone who has not been through cancer cannot appreciate life and all that it brings. I am grateful for every person I encountered throughout my journey. You are the charming gardeners who make my soul blossom! 

Well, who knows whats gonna happen... To keep your spot in the loop, just stay tuned for the big Five-Oh! news..

xoxo

Life is a Gift, Don't Take it for Granted....

I may have a marble sized lump no now it looks like a golfball size on my jaw and half my face is now hanging from swelling and am really really feeling sore, but that ain't gonna stop me from living my life. I understand though that life can be hard hence it isn't really tied up with a fancy or pretty ribbon, but it is still a gift. There is always, always something to be grateful for. So, today, I am grateful for what I have and what I am. I am thankful for even the birds chirping outside my bedroom window. I feel like they are singing for me singing just for me. Saying, "Good morning Dorothee, today is another day, you made it! Just make it joyful!"

Life is beautiful and I am grateful and thankful. I am grateful to my children, family and friends - they make me happy and are the charming gardeners who make my soul blossom! Catherine Kahari, you bring tears to my eyes. Thank you for putting me on speed dial and checking on me relentlessly. Victor Kahari, I love you and I appreciate your love. I am just grateful to so many of y'all the list is so long and I am eternally grateful! I am grateful to strangers who have shown me little acts of kindness. I am grateful for each new challenge because it builds my strength and character. How can I not say life is beautiful with all the love and blessings surrounding me?

In my little world, I continue to strive to live every minute with love, grace and gratitude.Waking up every morning is a special gift that we should all cherish. Imagine that we have lungs that breathe, a heart that beats, eyes that see and the capacity to love and change lives whenever possible. Of course there will always be hardships and things to overcome but we need to remember all the simple things that we forget to be thankful for. I am grateful for so many things and now, every morning when I wake up I say out loudly that, "I am grateful for today and cannot wait for it to begin". Even if turns south as the other past few days. I am still filled with gratitude. The swelling is getting bigger and it is very sore but I am still grateful for many things. By the way, when was the last time you looked in the mirror and really seen who you are? What do you see? Did you come up with words like, beautiful, confident, decadent, influential, inspiring and gorgeous? If you didn't please do it again because giving gratitude is the most powerful way to increase your well-being. I do understand though that there are times when our lights just go off, but often get rekindled by other people. So, we all have cause to be grateful to those who have lighted the flame within us. For me, the list is so long. I am grateful to y'all and I appreciate you!

Before my diagnosis, I would have said that I was a woman of faith. What is faith? It is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. Easier said than done. However, I had no idea how that faith would hold up under such challenging circumstances. I am humbled to say that I have been given strength beyond my greatest hopes. I remain realistically optimistic even though there are those moments of sadness which overwhelm me. But, I refuse to let cancer rule my life. I have chosen to live each day with hope and great joy. This above all else is my source of strength. When I think about life, its funny how I never paid much attention to the words, 'live each day as if it were last" until my cancer diagnosis. Every morning I look in the mirror and say to myself, "Today, I want to fill my life with memorable experiences". By the way, having cancer did not change my personality - I still get annoyed and irritated at little things in life, loud and chatty people annoy me at times and especially people who like to be all in my face all the time and suffocating me unnecessarily.

Hodgkins has enabled me to have those moments when I can stop in my tracks to appreciate all the beauty that surrounds me; the blooming flowers adorning many frontyards and backyards, the beautiful blue sky and birds chirping away in the bright blue sky. Cancer gave me moments of simple appreciation for just being alive. I guess cancer somehow gave me eyes to see the beauty in life that I never took the time to see before. I have learned that each day is precious and that not one person is promised tomorrow. Indeed, this is a hard way to learn what is important in life. For me, it is family and friends. So, people, take care of yourselves because you have the option and ability to do so. Be the best possible you. Be thankful for being alive and having a chance to do anything you please and with that don't let yourself down. Become something huge, just because you can. Do something remarkable, just because you can. Don't sit around waiting for life to happen to you, create it.

LIVE, LOVE AND LAUGH! Because no one knows what the future will hold. So, live each day as if it were last....

Epilogue - My Final Chapter

I hold close to my heart the vivid memories of when this journey began. Apart from the tears and sadness, there were many life lessons learned. I recall searching the web for answers -  big mistake if you ask me! I used to read a lot of cancer blogs on the internet and I got scared but at the same time I was inspired by other incredible people who had travelled the same journey or are still on the ride like me. What caught my attention was that most blogs just ended suddenly and I was left wondering what happened to those people. However, after I began to slack on my postings myself, I realized that once you start feeling better you lose that passion because of the excitement of getting back into the swing of things. I am going to keep this blog up because even though I dont have too much to report on, I will keep updating about how I am doing as I move to new projects. I have started working on a social work dot com that is going to be a real kicker. Follow me on my musings as a regular person making a lasting commitment to making a real difference in our world. You will not want to miss it for anything. Just stay tuned.....

Anyway, recently I was having an epic conversation with Tinashe and she was telling me how excited she was that I am feeling so much better now and I am able to run that treadmill, break a sweat and pump some iron at the gym. Then, she asked me if cancer had changed my life or what I would change going forward?  Wow! I thought for a while - honestly, I remain ambivalent about my prognosis and cannot help but wonder what tomorrow brings. I have hated every day of this cancer nightmare, but I am appreciative of y'all for being there for me every step of the way. I have had more help than other people in my situation and I am grateful. Gratitude is what I have in my heart and in my spirit. Sorry, I digressed…. I pondered how has it changed me? I guess, I am more cognizant than ever that life is short and that it is important to grab hold of life everyday - appreciate it and give thanks that you have yet another day to breathe, laugh, love and enjoy just being... Knowing that life has an expiration date made me stop putting off doing the things that I love. You are wondering what things are those? I mean giving myself permission just to be silly. To do the things I used to enjoy when I was young like travelling, cycling, jogging and all the silly things that used to make me laugh. I will jump on the couch because it is there. I will bounce on the bed because I can. I will find new things to do. Make new friends, learn a new sport, ride a bike with my children who are avid cyclists already. I will give more hugs and say thanks for just being alive.

How has it changed me? Its interesting that, I have read about how after cancer, other people descend into depression or quit their jobs to reduce stress, some people turn vegetarian and give up alcohol. Others find God while for some relationships collapse. Thank God, my partner of six years never wavered. He held my hand, wiped my tears and stood by me selflessly. He is such a trooper and I love him to death. As for me? I am not going to sit here and start sounding all sentimental, mushy or philosophical. I just feel so blessed and am not shy to say that I am an overcomer. I never stopped dreaming big! Anyhow, once I got to learn and understand that Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is a result of very, very bad luck and is likely not related in anyway to lifestyle choices I decided, I am changing nothing because I love my life. Maybe, I will do more with each day and strive to get more out of each moment and to see the positive in most situations. I would like to eat more organic fresh vegetables and fruits, particularly from the farmer’s markets. I would like to be more physically active. And most important, take more vacations and just enjoy life. I will continue to follow my passion of being a social worker. Honestly, my life is more meaningful aligned to this abiding passion. I love being a social worker because for me, it is not a job but a vocation or calling. What’s more, it provides the tremendous satisfaction of helping others, which is, more than enough reward.

On a side note, I just accepted an amazing social work leadership job opportunity, amazing salary package, amazing team/colleagues and great working hours with an amazing health centre/clinic. Such is Amazing Grace! I am highly favoured and walking in the victory of God's sanctifying grace! It is faith and assured belief that made me sure of things I hoped for. I cannot believe that I am going back to work after one year hiatus. Phew!!! feels like it was two years. The idea of returning to work is giving me euphoria and I am loving it! Now, I do feel like I have control of my life once again. I just feel victorious and motivated to do an equally amazing job in this incredible role. I am so thrilled and cannot believe I am at this victorious place called HAPPY! Its funny how illness makes you feel hollow and empty inside. To be honest, during this experience, I did feel my confidence slowly slipping away. I experienced those weird moments of self doubt and defeat. But now, the sky is looking blue and I can see the rainbow shining brightly in the horizon! Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. I am happy because I am living and taking in every moment, embracing life and its complexities!

Admittedly, there are problems and sadness in life but our universe is full of abundance and boundless opportunities, if only we could see them. Trust me, the possibilities are without number! I am sure some of you are wondering What? How? When did that happen? Well, it all happened because like they say, when one door of happiness closes, many more open, but often we look so long at the closed door that we fail to see the one which has opened for us. My golden door opened last week and I boldly walked into the fountain of life. I refuse to be defined by cancer because I am more than cancer. I consider myself a winner and victorious given the circumstances. I am now unswervingly focused on my goal to be the change I want to see in the world as I pursue this amazing calling.

Remember, this is not a goodbye but just an epilogue – a final chapter to my journey we victoriously travelled together. I will continue to post about how my health is going. And stay tuned for the dot com which will have even more sizzling narratives of an ambivalent social worker aka survivor.

Be well, Be happy, Be kind and try to do one nice thing a day. You never know whose life you may touch today, tomorrow or ever.

As always, Stay tuned........

The Anticipated Staging Results are Here!

Today was a big and eventful day! I got the results of all the numerous tests I had been doing all along. I am sure you will recall how anxious I have been to know how far the cancer had spread. Thank God! its Stage I - II and referred to as early stage lymphoma! Its funny that on receiving the news, I felt ambivalent. Just that state of having simultaneous, and unexplainable conflicting feelings. Suddenly, after learning the stage of my cancer I did not feel that excitement one would expect given I am a Stage II not a Stage IV - I know it could have been worse.  But, guess what, the struggle continues. Aluta Continua! Anyway, call me a cynic - I don't see the reason for celebration yet, because I am still inducted in the "Hall of Cancer" despite being in the early stages. It does not change the overwhelming emotions and fear of the unknown let alone the aches and pains. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that it could have been worse but please, does that change my situation? Certainly not! I still feel crappy about this whole journey. Don't worry people, chemo is going to knock some sense into my head, so I am told. By the way, before I saw the oncologist, I had the good pleasure of meeting my pleasant oncology nurse/case manager who will be working with me and at my disposal 24/7. Of course, not literally. Well, we spent a good half hour doing the blah, blah, blah blah of chemo side effects and how I may need to purchase a children's very soft toothbrush because my mouth will become tender, sensitive and develop mouth sores the most feared side effect of chemo. And blah, blah blah, its better to cut your hair so you don't experience the emotional toll of it falling off in the shower or everywhere.

My Hodgkin's lymphoma diagnosis has been staged and is classified as Stage IIA ("A" means no symptoms of unexplained fever, night sweats etc). Hence, this is considered early stage cancer which is good according to my doctor. I do not have any "B" disease which means "bulky disease". I have multiple enlarged lymph nodes in my neck and a few mild enlarged lymph nodes in my chest. Bulky refers to cells greater than 10 centimeters in diameter and require more chemo. The only downer is that the doctor explained that apart from the initial large tumour cells on my neck, the results revealed more tumor cells on the left hand side of my chest. which require further investigation.What that means is that I have to go back to the place I hate so much - the nuclear place to do this urgent special test called Gallium scan. The Gallium scan is an important indicator of Hodgkin's activity in the identified tumours in the left side of my chest.

Let me give you a brief overview of how Hodgkin's is staged into different groups. Remember earlier in my blogs I mentioned that Staging helps determine prognosis and treatment options. Hodgkin lymphoma stages include:
Stage I - means that the cancer is limited to one lymph node regions or a single organ.
Stage II - means the cancer is limited to a section of the body either above or below the diagram.  In this stage, the cancer is affecting two different lymph nodes or the same side of the diaphragm.
Stage III - the cancer has moved to lymph nodes both above and below the diaphragm or its in the spleen.
Stage IV - This is the most advanced stage of this type of cancer. It means cancer cells are in several parts of one or more organ tissues. In this stage, the lymphoma affects both the lymph nodes and other parts of the body such as liver, lungs and bones.

My treatment plan involves 4 cycles of chemo in combination with radiation to the areas of the involved lymph nodes instead of the traditional 6 cycles. Each cycle is broken down into two - meaning one cycle will be administered as an outpatient twice in one month with a two week break in between to allow the blood counts to recover. The A, B, V, D will be administered through an intravenous line. I got a whole bag of different prescriptions to take prior chemo to manage the common side effects such as nausea, etc. Given the very nature of chemo and its potential to destroy both good and bad cells, the two week break in between is kinda like a holiday for me to build strength to take in some more chemo. The radiation treatment plan will only occur after the 4th cycle under a different radiation oncologist who will determine how many cycles. I believe the radiation will be targeted to only the parts of my body known to have the cancer (like its some kind of relief).

Do's and Dont's of Supporting People Battling Cancer

Here are some Do's and Don'ts of when supporting someone you know with cancer I just want to share with y'all. I will keep growing the list just be warned...

Here are some Dont's!

1. Don't say..let me know if there is anything I can do...I hate that..it puts the pressure on me to decide what you can do. Just be a friend..
2. Don't take the anger that may come personally, people who have cancer and are undergoing chemo have a right to be angry. I am just trying to keep exclusive control of my emotions.
3. Don't ignore me..yes sadly I have had a friend do this.. Guess cancer makes some people uncomfortable..good thing they dont have it!
4. Don't ask me about my hair..Its chemo..and you have eyes..and do not email someone going through chemo to ask.."are you worried about losing your hair"? Are you kidding? Im worried I have cancer..
5. "Don't give up"...Ok I'm going through chemo..taking tons of meds..getting tests, etc..does that shout I'm giving up??
6. Don't do the head tilt! You know I say I have cancer and you tilt your head and say ooh....
7. Don't tell me I look great. I have a mirror.
8. I know how old I am so please don't say "but you're so young"
9. Don't tell me stories of people that you know that have had my cancer and died and then say "but don't worry you're going to beat it"
10. Remember I can see your facial expressions. Think about this before you react to what I am telling you.
11. Don't give me the poor you! face while I am getting chemo.
12. It's ok to hug me. I won't break. In fact, I need it.
13. Everything revolves around cancer, call me and ask if I watched Desperate Housewives before you ask how I'm feeling.
14. I AM NOT CONTAGIOUS
15. Don't say you are sorry, please! You did not give me cancer!
16. Don't do the bickering with me its not the right time and I am feeling so exhausted!

Here is What you can do:

1. Be a friend..let me know you love me..and are thinking about me..
2.Do listen and hear what they have to say or how they feel, many times it is best to keep your mouth shut and your heart open.
3. Offer a ride to or from chemo..
4. Sit with me during chemo cause it does get lonely..and thats when we need support. (ask first though..some people prefer to be alone).
5. Let your friend know you are there for them..no matter what..offer to do things..and stick to it..
6. If your friend with cancer has children..offer to babysit..even an hour can do wonders..
7. No body will ever turn down food..Chemo days..and the days after, you won't have the energy to cook for your family..its nice if you don't have too..
8. When you are better and you kick cancers ass...gather your friends...and celebrate and let them know how vital they were to your well being..and that you love them...
9.Oh yes...Fuck cancer...

Just a Different Perspective on Common Decency

Are disagreements inevitable? Absolutely yes! If they are usually heated, then it is safe to say that it is a problem because it becomes an argument. There are two types of people in society. There are people who are argumentative then there are those that are quarrelsome. At this pivotal point of my life, I prefer to avoid both because they are detrimental to my health. The problem with arguments is that they tend to be loud, emotionally charged and mostly have very little to do with hearing what the other person's perspective is about. It becomes more about proving your point which does not serve any constructive purpose. Arguments tend to be very stressful, toxic and draining and do not lead to any solutions. Arguments can start out small as a meaningless thing and snowball into a life disaster. The tendency of arguments is the desire by each individual to try and convince the other person to see things from our point of view. Bad idea! Why is it that in any argument we always believe that we are the one in the right? This makes us not listen to the other person's arguments and enter into a war of words. I think some people love to argue all the time because they have deep seated anger that they have yet to resolve. I strongly believe that wanting to be right all the time can be a sign of insecurity or just a desire to hear one's voice talk all the time.

Are you one of those people constantly offering your opposing opinion when it is not asked for? Do you find yourself constantly using the word "but" during conversation with others? Then, you may be an argumentative talker. Here is the thing, if you experience many people say, "you just love to argue" or "why do you always argue?" or "I don't want to fight with you". Or, after an argument its all about you, you and you are a victim? What that means is you are egotistical and self-absorbed, you need to reconsider your approach to how you are communicating. You may be coming across as sharp, cutting and critical by implication or assuming the world rotates around you. Therefore, it may be important that you determine why you need to be "right" or make someone else "wrong" in the course of heated discussions because that is a problem! Rather than pointing fingers and blaming others, it may be time to reflect on how your own actions affect others because we cannot change other people but we can strive to change ourselves. If we focus on our ourselves and our own issues it keeps us from being critical, judgemental and victim mentality, all of which are negative characteristics. Therefore, if other people are frustrating us by how they act or what they say we will become negative. All this to say, if we thought we didn't have a plank in our eye, I guess we do now! But, you can still be the positive change you want to see in others.

On the other hand, disagreements tend to be simply a difference of opinion and resolving such issues does not mean you have to agree. You just respect the other person's decision and move on. Arguments are stupid because a single argument has the potential to destroy a lifetime relationship. Yes, its that easy to destroy a relationship! Therefore, next time when you decide to get into an argument, do it with a rationality and healthiness of the human mind as opposed to insanity so that you do not destroy your relationships or the people around you. And don't get into heated arguments with anyone facing a life threatening illness because their plate is full already. It is a low blow and a hit below the belt of what is considered acceptable or compassionate behaviour. Its called crossing the proverbial line of common decency! Just, remember, an argument often stops being helpful when it turns into a duet presentation or a screaming match at each other at the same time. Once upon a time, I was one to never back down in an argument but with time, I have learned to let go of the demons that caused me to do so. More importantly, one of my life lessons is that in any type of argument there are no winners or losers except broken relationships. I value all my relationships and live by the philosophy espoused by Epictetus the Greek philosopher which states, "When we are offended at any man's fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings, then you will forget your anger". I know I may be sounding cliche the more I keep saying that cancer is teaching me that life is too precious to sweat the small stuff. But, I truly mean it. Life is too precious to destroy it with silly arguments.

Cancer is like a gift to me that gives me clarity and purpose. If you ask me, cancer forces you not only to focus on what is important but prioritizing and not sweating the small stuff. I used to get angry at trivial stuff or engage in silly and worthless arguments. But, I have come to realize that, indeed, life does move at a rapid speed and in that process, it is easy to lose sight of what is important in this precious life. In the "end" I would not want to look back on my life with regrets. So, I am choosing to pick everything positive and letting go of anything negative. What I know for sure is that if I am going to be crying it better be related to this Hodgkins not because someone or anyone is trying to get under my skin. This is because according to every story of cancer I have come across so far, it is a positive attitude that will carry me through every down and every valley. It is a positive attitude that makes a difference in this battle with cancer. How do I maintain this positive attitude? I am prompted to draw a line in the sand because of this very interesting article that I read today that talks about how arguments or nasty fights can be hazardous to your health. Did you know that when discussions disintergrate into flurry of words, our immune systems pay the price. It is argued that the same stress hormones like cortisol that kick in as a reactive force when we face imminent danger, the same substances reduce our body's supply of disease fighting immune cells. Given these scientific facts, I am learning to re-evaluate my life path and not lose sight of what is important in my life at this very moment - guarding my immune system which is compromised!

After Every Storm is a Rainbow

After every storm is a rainbow only if you look hard enough. Someone once said life is full of ups and downs but what is important is to have the courage during the downs. Yesterday was my down and today I have the courage to get up and look up and check out the rainbow for a pot of gold. I just want to give a big shout out to special people who in midst of my deepest and darkest valley never left my side. Instead, they were cheering me up to get up and go. These people just kept letting me know how much they had faith in my ability to fight this and how much I was inspiring them even though I know many times I sounded really bad.

These special people are my dear sister Charity Majuru in England, my niece Rumbidzai in England and Tendai Majuru in Boston, US. To my Sis Charity, you have always been the shelter I run to from any storm. I love you and I appreciate you. You were the first person on the scene in May when all this hoola baaloo began. You were the first person I shared the news with and I am glad I did because you have been my true strong pillar of support. You are my anchor in life so short and you are my best friend. The unwavering love and support you have given me is much appreciated. You called me every single day and you lifted me up in your strong and tender arms and never put me down. I remember talking to you and crying in May, in June, in July, in August, in September, yeah you seem to never get tired of those tears. Thank you for being relentless and just being there fore me. You kept telling me I can do this but I didn't believe you then, because at that time I felt like my world was closing in on me. Every single moment I have shared with you I value it and I treasure it. You may be far, but you have made the toughest beginning much easier. I felt like you were here with me because your comforting words do not go unnoticed, I feel your love. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

To Rumbie, I appreciate you, particularly that from the moment you knew about my journey, you have never wavered. You continue to be one of my biggest cheerleaders. You send me uplifting emails every single day and when I am out of commission, you constantly extend your hand and I grab it and find myself back on my feet. You have become one of my constants and every single day I check my email just to immerse myself in the beauty and profound wisdom that you choose to share with me. Today, I read your email while I was at the doctor's appointment and I began to sense a deep feeling of joy arising from my stomach. As I sat in the waiting room, I smiled and gained renewed strength. Thank you for all the love. It is this love that keeps me strong and picks me up when I am curled up in a fetul position and crying my eyes out. It is this love that make me realize what is important in this rocky life journey.

To Tendayi, I cannot believe you travelled a thousand miles, all the way from Boston just to see how I am doing. Even as I write this I am tearing up because you have shown me so much love. You have called me constantly since in May and I appreciate you so much. Do you know that when you called me yesterday my weepy day, I appreciated that call so much because even though I was at my lowest, I just needed to talk to someone. Its like you just knew what I needed - the funny bone. You gave it all out. Thanks for that! Yesterday, I was feeling so miserable and so sad unbeknown to you and you came through once again. You just made me laugh so much that the sad tears were replaced with happy tears. Thank you for your love that feels like medication for deep sorrow.

Another shout out to Kirby my former boss and friend who taught me everything I know about community development and working with the marginalized. Thank you for a friendship that has remained eternal. I appreciate your messages especially the ones you sent me today. Thank you for being on my Campaign for Health and Vitality.

In this situation I find myself, I sometimes feel angry and frustrated that people don't understand what you are going through when they render unsolicited advise as opposed to encouragement. And at the same time you don't want to offend anyone by appearing like you are lashing out.  So, thank you Kirby for understanding my point of view. I think on this journey like you rightly said, its more about listening and being present. But, often people have this notion that they hold the answers and begin to prescribe advise based on what they read on the internet or have heard from so and so. Please do not do it. Just listen and be present for me thats all I ask. I say this because while the prognosis of Hodgkins is good and estimated to be approximately 80% no one knows that I am not in the 20 percentile. In fact, some people fail to respond to chemo and who am I or any one to predict otherwise. What is the point of denying possibilities? Its nice to be positive but please lets keep it real. While I would like to be in the 80 percentile, I also want to remain cognizant of this negative aspect of this cancer to avoid any surprises or intense shocks. It is my way of taking charge of my health.

The other thing that my oncologist has discussed with me which is important for everyone to know is how chemotherapy works. Chemotherapy kills not only the tumour cells but the good cells as well. Because chemotherapy damages rapidly diving cells such as lymphocytes, your white blood cell count may drop dramatically after chemo causing your immune system to be unable to fight infection very well making you vulnerable to serious life-threatening infections. Furthermore, while chemotherapy is an effective form of treatment for hodgkins lymphoma it can also cause a different kind of cancer.  So, my thing is when I say I am nervous it is not because of one thing only. There are several things that play in my mind some of which I have mentioned above which often send me into a spin. Don't get me wrong, I always hope for the best but like to prepare for the worst. I don't see anything wrong with that. So, when you hear that having cancer is an isolating experience it is because you find yourself ripped away from the normal flow of life. In fact, you can have all the people around you but for some strange reason you still feel alone. I have questions that only someone who has gone through cancer can answer. Cancer changes your life and stirs strong feelings of anger and sadness among other things. Even though  there is evidence that some cancers can be cured, I still dread the idea that death may be confronting me right now. So how do you have that conversation with people who tell you "you are going to be fine". I don't understand why people fear talking about the inevitable like death. To tell you the truth, I have felt lonely more often than I have felt that I have people around me. I know it may not make sense to y'all but often, I feel so alone like I have never felt in my life. I have moments when I just go in the bathroom or my bedroom and just cry by myself. Then, I have those times in the middle of the night that I wake up and I find myself crying. I guess, sometimes you just don't feel like telling any one the truth about how you are feeling.

One reason I personally often hold back is because I just feel like whats the point? I find myself answering, "I am fine" even when I am not. Now, you are all wondering why? Remember just listen and be present because that is how cancer deals you. Rumbie shared something very profound and uplifting with me today and I quote, "We might not always see the positive side of things, thats because we are human'. But, Rumbie says, "when you fall you do not stay down for you have a God who holds you in His arms and He is the one who lifts you up". I feel comforted just to be reminded that its okay to feel the way I am feeling because I am human and its okay to fall but not feel crushed or driven to despair. That is the other reason I refuse to speak on the phone because seriously it aggravates me. Why should I go on the phone and have each caller no matter how loving ask me, How are you feeling? or How are you doing? Well, who wants to go on the phone all the time and say, "I feel like crap because I have cancer". Its like sometimes people forget that I still have cancer so why are you saying how are you feeling as if for some strange reason the cancer miraculously disappeared from my system. I love speaking with Tendayi though because she will never bring up the how I am feeling shit, please excuse my language. Anyway, I do yearn for semblance of life as it was before diagnosis. So, I guess I have to find ways to bring joy back into my life ensuring that my intellectual and emotional potential remain intact.

Breaking News: I have Cancer!

I figured there is no easier way to say this but I felt a blog was the best way to tell everyone. After the long wait, today I was told I have Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Nevertheless, I have to go through the rituals of chemotherapy and probably radiation combination to get rid of these damn cells. On receiving the news, I was NUMB and in Shock! I froze... and watched the little pieces of my life falling apart. I thought it was going to be easier after the long wait but hell no! I went into a daze and just saw the doctor's lips moving like he was miming.The immediate emotional upheaval was unspeakable as I agonized and struggled with the news in my head. Thank God! Krissy my friend from school was with me. She was so amazing, she kept talking to me and telling me everything was going to be fine. I didn't believe her but I appreciated that she was able to convey some positive news contrary to what the doctor had just said. As we continued walking through Chinatown, she enthused me with her funny stories about her recent trip to Peru and plans for her Phd. I must say she was so good because I was distracted for a while until I got home. Well, Krissy started practicing her Master of Social work skills on me giving me all the positive vibes and it worked. When I got home, all the feelings just came to a head. I called Tinashe and I just broke down crying. My partner was there just wiping away those tears and assuring me that I was going to be fine. My dear sister Esther, thank you for being there on this day because I needed you so much. You are such an appreciated constant in my life. Thank you for appearing when you did. Thank you for just hugging me and and making me laugh in the midst of all this.  I cannot do without you and I want you to know that I love you and I appreciate you. As the tears flowed, I just felt this big lump on my throat.... and I am still crying. I am just having a hard time with this. Suddenly, I felt so sad and overwhelmed by the news. The doctor told me next week I am seeing an oncologist. I have to do some more tests which include staging and bone marrow etc etc. After the tests I am supposed to begin chemo. NUMB..... I am unable to describe fully what I am feeling because it is just overwhelming, thinking about this uphill battle that confronts me is something you cannot wind around your finger. Still feeling so exhausted and my chest is hurting so much. I hate this disease... I am a hot mess.... hotmess.org...