Its no news I have become Neurotic! No, I am just Obsessively Self-Aware

First off, I just want to give a shout out to Hazvineyi Kadiyole my lovely niece from Indiana, US. Thanks for talking me out of bed today. You are so funny, you always make me laugh. Bravo! you brought the funny bone today.  You made me start appreciating and thinking about what is more important in life - the abundant love surrounding me! After laughing so much and coughing you made my day. I love you babe! Its the unconditional love surrounding me from both local and abroad that helps me stay motivated even when I feel like I am on the reality television show that I love so much, "The Amazing Race" and I encounter an insurmountable life road block. You make me realize that even though life has a way of throwing road blocks in our paths, we have to understand that they are temporary and the best solution is to find ways to navigate around them and stay on track. You are all helping me stay on track as I re-write my not so perfect life script. You are my anchors in the midst of a raging storm. To everyone sending me all the lovely and comforting messages, I feel so humbled by the out-pour of love! I love y'all from the bottom of my heart. It is all your love that still makes my world go round, inspires me every single day and touches the core of my heart. You know how they say, in this world the best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or touched, but can be felt deep down in the heart. I feel your love deep inside my heart. Thank y'all for giving me the triumph I so much need. Now that Hazvineyi managed to convince me to get up and fight a good fight, I am up and ready to pound, I know this will come as a big shock to everyone. Yeah, let me have your undivided attention y'all!

I have become neurotic ever since this whole cancer journey progressed and all the talk with the Oncolologist about how infection can make me go down hill in a flash granted, this cancer is attacking my lymphatic system and my white blood cells that are supposed to fight infection. Remember, the lymphatic system as part of the immune system consist of a network of vessels that carry lymphocytes supposed to recognize and destroy infections? For now this infection fighting mechanism or kind of engine has been rendered potentially useless by the Hodgkin's.  Who would not panic? Suddenly, I feel like there is bacteria or germs everywhere. As if this freaky neurotic state I am in is not doing enough damage to my psyche, I did the unthinkable, I threw caution to the wind and watched the movie, "Contagion". This movie inspires panic and fear giving you a disturbing unease. If you have not watched this movie I suggest you do then you can understand what I am talking about. I know, I should not have watched it but I did and have to live with that irresponsible decision. Did you know the average person touches their face 2 or 3,000 times a day? That is an average of 2 or 3 times of every working minute. Now imagine how much bacteria can be spread in just a day?  Seriously, what was I thinking? My sense of cleanliness is heightened to unreasonable proportions. Now, I am walking around on eggshells like a neurotic ass thinking there is bacteria or germs everywhere. Or am I becoming what they call a germaphobe? Seriously, its becoming more of an obsession with germs and dirt than anything else. I know I have always liked my environment clean but this is just too much.When the kitchen is messy and dishes not washed or the house is not clean, I go into a frenzy and do not want to be anywhere near the dirt. In my head, I feel like throwing everything down the garbage chute.

Now, I move with disinfecting wipes to constantly clean any toilet seat before I use it and purell to constantly clean my hands. I cannot even flash any toilet with my hands. I have developed an aversion for touching door knobs. And my hands, I wash them constantly like a serious germophobe. I am afraid to go on public transit  in case someone sneezes or coughs at me, I refuse to shake hands and I do not want to be hugged. I am wearing these gloves when I go out which make me look like a real neurotic and absolutely ridiculous. If Anderson Cooper sees me he will definitely place me on his CNN "The RidicuList". The only thing I am missing right now is a mask. But, hey, I am not apologizing for this unusual emotional bump because like always, I believe emotions are the most honest part of any human being. So, this past week, Tapfuma came home from school with a fever and a sore throat. I freaked out and sent him to a walk in clinic where they confirmed it was a strep throat and placed him on an antibiotic. By Saturday, the strep throat had progressed into a horrible cold. He was coughing, sneezing, huffing and buffing. Oh, my poor baby, I could not hug him or go near him at all and it felt so awful. I spent most of the weekend in isolation. This is because my baby Tapfuma was sick (he does not want under any circumstance to be referred to as a baby because he is turning 18 in a couple of days). What this means is that this past weekend until now, I have been on self-imposed lock down. I am in isolation in the confines of my bedroom. Sounds crazy but I cannot afford to catch any cold or flu otherwise my scheduled chemo in two weeks would be delayed.

Well, I am sitting here and I am thinking, cancer is changing me in many different ways and I am thinking, Is this the Theory of Conscious versus Unconscious mind made popular by Sigmund Freud?  Who knows, maybe this is the unconscious Sigmund Freud extensively researched and proved that it motivates us to do such neurotic stuff that other people may find reprehensible or deserving rebuke.. I think I am suffering from that kind of fear described by Freud, a kind of fear that leaves you feeling overwhelmed by impulses from the brain. If its not one thing its another. Just hold onto your seats people because this journey will be interesting. According to Freud, these feelings I am experiencing are called neurotic anxiety; where one feels like they are losing their mind or rationality. Wow! that was a good rationalization for my unusual behaviour which is definitely below conscious perception which I presume will get worse as the chemo journey becomes a reality. With that said, I urge you to stay tuned as always.....

As the Countdown for chemo Begins....

As the countdown for chemo begins the emotional toll is incredible. The sadness and sorrow continues to linger even when I think I am feeling better. I find that my feelings of anxiety have increased so has the apprehension grown about all the heavy and depressing stuff associated with chemotherapy. I find myself spending more time just trying to keep it all together given I gave up the odd compulsion to put on the brave face and opted for my strong and natural desire to just look up into the blue sky and weep whenever it feels like. Anyway, today I went in for an appointment with a social worker to harsh out a few things before my treatment begins in two weeks. Not a good idea if you ask me because I could not even say a complete sentence. I just could not stop crying, I broke down uncontrollably. Thank God! she was understanding and handed me a box of kleenex and allowed me just feel whatever I was feeling and tried to comfort me. Unfortunately, I didn't stop feeling. Damn! these tears are just too much! I did cry me a river! I don't think I made a lot of sense because if you ask me or accomplished much. I cannot even recall what the discussion was about. Oh boy, just trying to deal with all the emotions and making that decision not to feel defeated is so hard. On the bright side, the chest pain appears to have given me a slight break. The fatigue, well, I guess will be there for the long haul and will get worse with the chemo. But, as always I am keeping my chin up and allowing the tears to roll unabated!

Today is World Lymphoma Awareness Day (WLAD)!

As the world begins to wake up...suddenly knowing our lymph nodes becomes imperative...Did you know today is World Lymphoma Awareness Day! Today I consider myself lucky because lymphoma is one of those cancers that can easily go undetected. I have known about most cancers except this one. So I hope you will all take a moment and learn more about this cancer which can affect anyone. Improve your understanding by being aware. I have read so many stories of people like me and discovered each story is so different and some people were even sent home because the doctor thought it was a simple cold or nothing serious. For me when I look back, since January I had been feeling so tired. I used to drag myself out of bed just to go to school or my internship at a hospital. It was absolute torture. I remember often dozing during hospital or clinical rounds only waking up when it was my turn to present my cases I was working on. I used to struggle to pull information from my head, it felt like my brain was scrambled. Shame on me! But, I didn't know I just thought I was tired because I was working on my Masters thesis, going to school and doing my placement. I recall being absent minded when I was driving to work and always having people either honking at me or I almost missed hitting someone because I forgot to give way at the traffic light. I was a hot mess for sure. Also, remember first I thought I was going down with a cold then after noticing the swollen node which appeared to be on my jaw not my neck I went to the dentist thinking it was my tooth or gum having an issue. If the dentist did not express concern and sent me for further investigation, I would be home and the cancer spreading without me knowing. So, bottom line, know your lymph nodes. Here is the kicker. Despite that more and more people worldwide live with lymphoma most people do not know anything about this potentially life threatening cancer. Maybe its because lymphoma used to be known as a disease and not cancer.

Now, having been recently diagnosed, I have come to know so much in a short space of time. For example,  Hodgkin Lymphoma is a cancer of lymph tissue found in the lymph nodes, spleen, liver, bone marrow, and other sites. There are five main types of Hodgkin Lymphoma. They differ in whom it affects, the parts of the body more likely to be affected, and in what stage it is usually diagnosed. I was diagnosed with Lymphocyte Rich Classical Hodgkin's lymphoma.Classical Hodgkin's lymphoma is a term used to describe a group of four common types of Hodgkin's lymphoma. Together they comprise more than 90% of all Hodgkin's disease. The 4 types are:

• Nodular Sclerosing Hodgkin's Lymphoma (NSHL) - the most common variety of Hodgkin's in developed countries. It occurs more in younger people.
• Mixed Cellularity Hodgkin's Lymphoma (MCHL) - the next most common, a type that may occur at any age.
• Lymphocyte Rich Classical Hodgkin's Lymphoma (LRCHL) - an uncommon type, more common in middle-aged individuals.
• Lymphocyte Depleted Hodgkin's Lymphoma (LDHL) - the least common variety, more common in older individuals and those with impaired body defenses.
The symptoms of lymphoma are not very different between these four types, but the patterns of enlarged lymph nodes and the stage at diagnosis may be quite different. As a result, the outcomes after treatment may also be different. An experienced pathologist can determine the exact type of Hodgkin's by examining lymph node biopsy samples under the microscope. Links to each type provides more details about that particular type of Hodgkin's lymphoma. (Source: Cancer: Principles and Practice of Oncology 7th Edition. Editors: VT DeVita, S Hellman and SA Rosenberg. Published by Lippincott Williams and Wilkins, 2005). 

According to www.lymphomacoalition.org despite the fact that one million people worldwide live with lymphoma and nearly 1,000 people are diagnosed with this cancer every day, research shows:

1. Lymphomas are not understood; are often misdiagnosed and often treated for the misdiagnosis. The 2010 LC Nodes No Border global patient survey told us that although most people had heard of lymphoma prior to diagnosis, they knew very little about it and almost never connected their symptoms to it.
2. Lack of awareness of lymphoma signs and symptoms results in late diagnosis,

•           40% of patients took over 2 months + to get diagnosed
•           11% of those took 1+ years
•           2% actually took over 4 years 
•           56% of the patients went to the doctor with recognizable lymphoma signs and
•           only 19% of these patients suspected lymphoma

     3. Cause is yet unknown.  Without known causes, we cannot pre-screen or prevent lymphoma from occurring. We are just beginning to uncover the causes and risk factors through the The InterLymph Consortium, or formally the International Consortium of Investigators Working on Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma Epidemiologic Studies, an open scientific forum for epidemiologic research in  lymphomas. The consortium is a group of international investigators who have completed or have ongoing case-control studies and who discuss and undertake research projects that pool data across studies or undertake collaborative research on the causes and factors of lymphomas. 

Let us all be aware of the signs and symptoms of lymphomas in order to lead to earlier diagnosis and treatment and ultimately resulting in better patient outcomes.

After Every Storm is a Rainbow

After every storm is a rainbow only if you look hard enough. Someone once said life is full of ups and downs but what is important is to have the courage during the downs. Yesterday was my down and today I have the courage to get up and look up and check out the rainbow for a pot of gold. I just want to give a big shout out to special people who in midst of my deepest and darkest valley never left my side. Instead, they were cheering me up to get up and go. These people just kept letting me know how much they had faith in my ability to fight this and how much I was inspiring them even though I know many times I sounded really bad.

These special people are my dear sister Charity Majuru in England, my niece Rumbidzai in England and Tendai Majuru in Boston, US. To my Sis Charity, you have always been the shelter I run to from any storm. I love you and I appreciate you. You were the first person on the scene in May when all this hoola baaloo began. You were the first person I shared the news with and I am glad I did because you have been my true strong pillar of support. You are my anchor in life so short and you are my best friend. The unwavering love and support you have given me is much appreciated. You called me every single day and you lifted me up in your strong and tender arms and never put me down. I remember talking to you and crying in May, in June, in July, in August, in September, yeah you seem to never get tired of those tears. Thank you for being relentless and just being there fore me. You kept telling me I can do this but I didn't believe you then, because at that time I felt like my world was closing in on me. Every single moment I have shared with you I value it and I treasure it. You may be far, but you have made the toughest beginning much easier. I felt like you were here with me because your comforting words do not go unnoticed, I feel your love. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

To Rumbie, I appreciate you, particularly that from the moment you knew about my journey, you have never wavered. You continue to be one of my biggest cheerleaders. You send me uplifting emails every single day and when I am out of commission, you constantly extend your hand and I grab it and find myself back on my feet. You have become one of my constants and every single day I check my email just to immerse myself in the beauty and profound wisdom that you choose to share with me. Today, I read your email while I was at the doctor's appointment and I began to sense a deep feeling of joy arising from my stomach. As I sat in the waiting room, I smiled and gained renewed strength. Thank you for all the love. It is this love that keeps me strong and picks me up when I am curled up in a fetul position and crying my eyes out. It is this love that make me realize what is important in this rocky life journey.

To Tendayi, I cannot believe you travelled a thousand miles, all the way from Boston just to see how I am doing. Even as I write this I am tearing up because you have shown me so much love. You have called me constantly since in May and I appreciate you so much. Do you know that when you called me yesterday my weepy day, I appreciated that call so much because even though I was at my lowest, I just needed to talk to someone. Its like you just knew what I needed - the funny bone. You gave it all out. Thanks for that! Yesterday, I was feeling so miserable and so sad unbeknown to you and you came through once again. You just made me laugh so much that the sad tears were replaced with happy tears. Thank you for your love that feels like medication for deep sorrow.

Another shout out to Kirby my former boss and friend who taught me everything I know about community development and working with the marginalized. Thank you for a friendship that has remained eternal. I appreciate your messages especially the ones you sent me today. Thank you for being on my Campaign for Health and Vitality.

In this situation I find myself, I sometimes feel angry and frustrated that people don't understand what you are going through when they render unsolicited advise as opposed to encouragement. And at the same time you don't want to offend anyone by appearing like you are lashing out.  So, thank you Kirby for understanding my point of view. I think on this journey like you rightly said, its more about listening and being present. But, often people have this notion that they hold the answers and begin to prescribe advise based on what they read on the internet or have heard from so and so. Please do not do it. Just listen and be present for me thats all I ask. I say this because while the prognosis of Hodgkins is good and estimated to be approximately 80% no one knows that I am not in the 20 percentile. In fact, some people fail to respond to chemo and who am I or any one to predict otherwise. What is the point of denying possibilities? Its nice to be positive but please lets keep it real. While I would like to be in the 80 percentile, I also want to remain cognizant of this negative aspect of this cancer to avoid any surprises or intense shocks. It is my way of taking charge of my health.

The other thing that my oncologist has discussed with me which is important for everyone to know is how chemotherapy works. Chemotherapy kills not only the tumour cells but the good cells as well. Because chemotherapy damages rapidly diving cells such as lymphocytes, your white blood cell count may drop dramatically after chemo causing your immune system to be unable to fight infection very well making you vulnerable to serious life-threatening infections. Furthermore, while chemotherapy is an effective form of treatment for hodgkins lymphoma it can also cause a different kind of cancer.  So, my thing is when I say I am nervous it is not because of one thing only. There are several things that play in my mind some of which I have mentioned above which often send me into a spin. Don't get me wrong, I always hope for the best but like to prepare for the worst. I don't see anything wrong with that. So, when you hear that having cancer is an isolating experience it is because you find yourself ripped away from the normal flow of life. In fact, you can have all the people around you but for some strange reason you still feel alone. I have questions that only someone who has gone through cancer can answer. Cancer changes your life and stirs strong feelings of anger and sadness among other things. Even though  there is evidence that some cancers can be cured, I still dread the idea that death may be confronting me right now. So how do you have that conversation with people who tell you "you are going to be fine". I don't understand why people fear talking about the inevitable like death. To tell you the truth, I have felt lonely more often than I have felt that I have people around me. I know it may not make sense to y'all but often, I feel so alone like I have never felt in my life. I have moments when I just go in the bathroom or my bedroom and just cry by myself. Then, I have those times in the middle of the night that I wake up and I find myself crying. I guess, sometimes you just don't feel like telling any one the truth about how you are feeling.

One reason I personally often hold back is because I just feel like whats the point? I find myself answering, "I am fine" even when I am not. Now, you are all wondering why? Remember just listen and be present because that is how cancer deals you. Rumbie shared something very profound and uplifting with me today and I quote, "We might not always see the positive side of things, thats because we are human'. But, Rumbie says, "when you fall you do not stay down for you have a God who holds you in His arms and He is the one who lifts you up". I feel comforted just to be reminded that its okay to feel the way I am feeling because I am human and its okay to fall but not feel crushed or driven to despair. That is the other reason I refuse to speak on the phone because seriously it aggravates me. Why should I go on the phone and have each caller no matter how loving ask me, How are you feeling? or How are you doing? Well, who wants to go on the phone all the time and say, "I feel like crap because I have cancer". Its like sometimes people forget that I still have cancer so why are you saying how are you feeling as if for some strange reason the cancer miraculously disappeared from my system. I love speaking with Tendayi though because she will never bring up the how I am feeling shit, please excuse my language. Anyway, I do yearn for semblance of life as it was before diagnosis. So, I guess I have to find ways to bring joy back into my life ensuring that my intellectual and emotional potential remain intact.

Staging Procedure # 1 : Ultrasound

Now that I have cleared the air, let me give you the progress report. Today, I went in for my ultrasound which is part of the staging process. Remember, the initial tests and biopsy revealed that I have hodgkins lymphoma. Now, the oncologist performs Staging, which are additional tests to see if the cancer has spread. Staging helps guide future treatment and follow-up and gives some idea of what to expect in the future. Today was the Ultrasound appointment. An ultrasound is a scan which uses sound waves to build up a picture of the inside of the body. A gel is squeashed on the skin and a microphone passed back and forth over the areas to be scanned. Ultrasound is particularly useful for examining the liver and kidneys. A computer then converts the reflected sound waves int a picture on a screen. Anyway, my appointment was so early in the morning at 8am. That was not a problem for me because I got up quite early, but the most tragic happened. Where I live its on a street car route not buses or trains. So, I get into the street car in good time and after three stops there was a problem on our route. When one street car breaks down it blocks all the other ones following behind. I guess because they use the rail tracks. You guessed right my street car was number four behind the other three in front.

So check out how one street car looks like! Now picture four of those and the number of people. Gosh! I was so furious as I tried to flag for a taxi without much success because everyone needed a taxi. I know I have said this cancer has taught me to be patient but I must confess, this morning I did lose my cool and cursed a bit. Not that it made me feel any better. Finally, together with another white lady we managed to share a taxi.  My house is about 15 or 20 minutes from the city center so I thought this is great. Anyway, as we got into the taxi and we started moving the lady stated she was going to King Street which is a completely opposite direction from where I was going. I breathed in and remained calm after realizing I didn't have much choice given how long it took me to get this taxi. The good news is even though the taxi did a zig zag I was able to get to my appointment just on time. Getting into the hospital was a nightmare because this is not my usual fancy cancer hospital, its also fancy but not so much. Its a new one across the street from my hospital. So what that means is, I had no clue where I was going so I spent a good 5 or 10 minutes trying to find my way despite having asked for directions. Like I said, I was able to get there on time.  When my name was called, I went in changed and lay down beside those ultrasound machines.

 I have done ultrasounds before when I was pregnant but this was something else. You know how they rub that thing all over you and often it does not hurt. I felt pain every time that little thing rolled all over my chest and my sides. Then you go on your side it rolls again on your side and back, then the other side same thing.  It took for ever and it was just awful. Here is the kicker, when the guy finished working on my chest and side he made this strange expression on his face and told me to hold on for a second as he rushed out of the room. Are you thinking what I am thinking, I grabbed his arm and asked him what was wrong. Poor guy, he stammered and said, oh I cannot tell you anything you will get your results from your doctor. I just need to go and speak with the doctor in charge my boss. I hate these people when they give you the shocked face, make you freak out then they give you the professional attitude.. Anyway, he rushed out and I immediately sat up to see if the screen was still on. Yeah he forgot to exit I guess because of rushing. I looked but nothing made sense so I just lay back down and waited. He came back with his boss and I ignored them as they continued to prod me again. I lay down there and began to wonder what they were seeing that they cannot tell me. I thought, what is wrong with these people, I know I have cancer how worse can it get.

Anyhow, I am not one to dwell on my anxieties, so when I finished I walked out of the hospital passed by Starbucks and got myself a macchiato which just made my heart race because of the coffee content. So, that is part one of my staging process which will be followed by other tests. Like always, I will keep y'all posted so stay tuned. By the time I got home it was lunch time, am getting used to appointments that take almost the whole day. I was feeling so tired like I worked a field. I slept and forgot to wake up. That is how cancer has changed my life. I don't have the energy I used to have before, I feel really tired from doing even mundane things. I cannot stay on my feet for even the bare minimum amount of time.  Its just ridiculous. But, the good news today is that I cooked. After taking a nap more of deep sleep, I woke up feeling energized and prepared dinner. Stay tuned.

C'est la vie!

Today it just dawned on me that, a number of people have been telling me, Oh, you are lucky - you have the good cancer. And I am thinking, really, seriously? How about you walk a mile in my shoes? I doubt there will be any takers. Anybody calling once, calling twice! Yeah, I didn't think so. I know these comments come from a good place. But, comes off rather as unsolicitated advise.  I need you to listen to me very carefully, cancer is cancer, its not a bout of flu or a sore throat okay, where you take some flu medication or sleep it off. So, back off! It sounds insensitive and it hurts my feelings. Just let me be. Allow me to deal with my own unpredictable emotions which still feel like an emotional rollercoaster at Wonderland. So, with that said, I have to go because today is one of those emotional days where I am feeling all weepy and sad. I am definitely unpredictable because one minute I am dried eyed and okay and the next minute I burst out in tears. I don't know what to tell y'all because it is what it is! Cest la vie! But, as always, despite the tears, I will always end on a positive thought because I know I am worthy because I was born!

Relax Everyone Things are now Moving

Relax everyone, I am so happy to share with you that things are beginning to move and fast. Despite the aches and pains, I am not complaining! I am sure everyone has been wondering what the hell happened since I have not blogged since ???? What happened? How did I abandon you all like that?  Even, I was asking myself the same question. Well, the truth is, I spent the whole weekend sleeping because of this fatigue that is debilitating. I kept dragging myself in and out of bed only to use the washroom because my chest continues to hurt and makes it difficult to sit upright for long periods. But, I am feeling much better than last week. This situation has taught me not to live in nostalgia but live in the moment and appreciate every single day because I realize looking back at all the weekend aches strains my neck and inhibits my progression. Today I went in to meet my oncologist for the first time at one of the best cancer hospitals. I never imagined in my lifetime I would be entering this cancer hospital. Its funny how we always think its them not us. Here I am, who knew? After registering we sat in this huge waiting room and as you look around you realize there are so many people with all sorts of cancers. This place looks completely different from where I have been going since May.  Like the British say, it looks "posh" but depressing. I even forgot about my own cancer for a while or that I was one of them. I must add, I feel blessed to have Tinashe by my side because this is not a place you want to go alone for sure. Every appointment just brings me to tears. It feels like just re-living the same nightmare over and over again except this is not a dream but my reality. I guess, that is the part that makes me tear up every time.

Anyway, this waiting room was exceptionally clean and sterile for good reason which you will appreciate later. In the middle of this amazement, someone came around and started serving juice and cookies to everyone. The coffee was just there for every one's fancy. Not that I care for a cup of coffee - I have a thing for Cappuccino or a Macchiato from Starbucks. That was something being availed eats and drinks! A first for me anyway!  Anyhow, I appreciated this gesture but, I was too focused on eating the sushi Tinashe had gotten for me. It don't matter how ill I am - I love some sushi! The room was full of both men and women but what caught my eye was that most of the patients are much older. Some looked very ill and bald while some appeared to be doing well. I felt very young and for a moment thought wow! my age group is not represented. And that fleeting thought of why me did cross my mind but, I quickly remembered that God does not give us more than we can handle. I remembered Paul's words in Corinthians 10:13 explicitly states, "God is faithful and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out that you may be able to endure it". That scripture stopped me in my tracks and I looked beyond my self-centeredness to the pain and severe testing of others right before my eyes were enduring. Anyway, the rest was not very eventful apart from hearing from the doctor the reality and gravity of my situation. We went over what to expect, CT scan, bone marrow biopsy, staging, baseline tests then treatment. All appointments have already been scheduled in advance which is great. Based on the tests done so far, ABVD, a chemotherapy regimen will be used. It is the first line treatment of Hodgkins lymphoma and may be used in combination with radiation. Will tell you more later about this because I have to share with you the most frightening thing that the doctor told me. He said, I am going to lose my hair in a few weeks. I know what you are all thinking, "it will grow again".

Please don't even say it or think it! Just allow me to start grieving for the loss of my hair in two weeks which I know will be traumatic given the pep talk that I got today from the doctor. Its like he knows the impact on our psyche as women! I guess the guy has experience with how we are attached to our hair. I am thinking, coping is fine but how do you embrace going bald, losing eyebrows, lashes and all the hair everywhere? Did you hear that bald? I am going bald and I know for sure that is going to make me cry because my hair is so pretty. I have sister locs y'all - these tiny little locs that are off the chart. I will take a picture and show you before I shave my head. Its inevitable, I mean the hair loss. Maybe, I will throw a Pity Party for myself and ask Tinashe to bake some cupcakes for the sad event and invite a couple of people. Anyway, just discussing what to expect in terms of treatment gave me perspective of this roller coaster I have embarked on. I also had my first staging tests today which will be followed by other tests the following two weeks. One of the tests that is giving me the jitters is the bone marrow test - removal of tissue from the bone marrow. Ouch! I am so terrified about that one because the doc said it will be painful.

Anyway, before I forget, I must say, I fell in love with my oncologist and I can tell y'all that such a connection with a doctor makes this ride much easier. He is warm, friendly, compassionate and everything you asked for in your prayers. I can see the heaven opening up for me already... for good things to come. He gave me a book on lymphoma and more literature on the treatment and what to expect. After all my tests, I am seeing my doctor in two weeks, I guess that is the end of September when I complete the tests. He advised that is when I am beginning treatment.  Just saying those words feels so good and relieving. I told you earlier about the discussion, that it was very intense. One of the critical things the doctor talked about was to ensure that we be diligent with contact precautionary measures to avoid any infection in whatever type or form. I have to wash my hands constantly and limiting contact with other people when I begin treatment. And, as usual Tinashe was making me laugh as we headed home. She said to me, "Mom, as your caregiver, I am going to make a big precautionary poster for the house urging visitors to wear masks or stay away if they are sick or recovering from coughs or colds and no hugging. She says, I don't trust anyone so, I will be screening each and every person".  She just cracks me up and I am thinking, what am I going to do, I love hugs. But, I guess we have to adhere in order for me to be well. This is it for now people, I promise I will not keep you in suspense again. I promise to write at least two lines even when I am not well because I believe God sent me some strong shoes for these stony paths. Stay tuned......