Oh No....the Big 50 Five-OH!!!

For those of you who are not in the loop, tomorrow is my birthday so I thought that I might blog about what this means for me especially after cancer. Tomorrow, I will turn 50 years old. It is my first birthday since being diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma and going through chemo and radiation. I am just happy to be here and have the sun shining in this often cold place. I don't care how old I am turning. Some people would be thinking wow! that is jubilee celebrations - it gotta be big or how will I put it together. For me, all that is far from my thoughts. I know that at 50 "Ahhhh... is the sound I will make every time I sit down in a chair from now on and Uhhhhh... is the sound I will make every time I get up from a chair from now on. Then, I am thinking, as you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes and oops! I can't remember the other two... Good Lord, I am thinking this is crazy..

And... yeah  I remember before my diagnosis, I always said I would want my 50th to be big and fabulous. But, now my thoughts are very far and a bit different. I am thinking,Wow! I made it! I am looking back and doing a lot of reflection on what happened in my life just this past year and how much I have changed.....Don't get me wrong, I do feel privileged reaching this milestone but, I cannot shake off the feeling of my friends I journeyed with during chemo and did not make it. You are forever in my heart. May God rest your body and soul in peace. As the days got closer I kept thinking about the cancer friends I met during treatment and during this journey particularly those that are still struggling more than me. I could not help but keep thinking about those cancer friends I have lost over this short year. I survived and I feel privileged! Most of my friends and my family really wanted a big celebration but I found myself wanting really solitude.

Anyway, here I am after my diagnosis. I have a whole life ahead of me though much different than I had planned prior to my diagnosis. I keep wondering who would I be and what would I be doing had cancer never found its way into my life. This sure was a dramatic curve ball thrown my way which changed everything and will continue to change who I am for the rest of my life. But, the key thing is that I have my life and therefore, I will celebrate that with utmost joy and respect. Life is one of those rare gifts that I hold very close to my heart. I welcome this 50th birthday anniverary and look forward to an amazing year filled with new adventures and dreams to particularly run a marathon for Cancer cure next year.

With that said, I must admit that before cancer, I took everything for granted. Now, I appreciate every new day and put as much as I can into a day. In fact, when I hear people complain about little things, I have to take a pause and think before snapping at them because someone who has not been through cancer cannot appreciate life and all that it brings. I am grateful for every person I encountered throughout my journey. You are the charming gardeners who make my soul blossom! 

Well, who knows whats gonna happen... To keep your spot in the loop, just stay tuned for the big Five-Oh! news..

xoxo

My Daughter got hit by a taxi cab driver

Today of all days I am down with a severe respiratory infection and recovering from the surgery. Then, I get this phone call that Tinashe had been hit by a car. On receiving the news, I just felt numb and could not get out my bed. You know how when you receive such news you just have this feeling that someone is not telling you everything. Anyway, what happened was, Tinashe was cycling as she always does on one of our very busy streets and this taxi cab driver carelessly hit her dragged into the other lane where another car was coming from another direction. As she fell on the pavement the bike was on top of her, she says she saw the other coming towards her, almost running her over. But, she could not move an inch. She talks about the kind of shock that paralyses you and leaves you helpless.

First off, thank God, she was wearing a helmet which she had just purchased the previous day. Secondly, thank God the other motorist was able to apply brakes right in front of where she was lying down. The guy, I am told was so shaken but was able to lift Tinashe out of the road in case another car came speeding. He was visibly shaken and kept saying I almost killed you. He was so shaken he could not drive his car and had to ask someone else to come and drive him.

Anyway that is the good guy, now the taxi guy he starts yelling at Tinashe that,"you are affecting my livelihood"! And he does not even care to see if she is okay. I am still scratching my head.... Can you believe some careless drivers??? Anyway, the public came to her rescue before the police came on the scene. The public really told this guy off that he should be placed behind bars for his callousness. I love Torontonians, they are still beautiful people around..  Let me just take this opportunity to appreciate the heroes that were the first respondents. It was the public that gathered around and held her hand and comforted her. Even, one stranger accompanied her to the hospital. There are still good people around..... Once the police came and ambulance, she was taken to the hospital and is doing fine. She hurt her back and her right arm which is in a brace support bandage. She suffered whiplash and torn tendons. As for the taxi guy, his license was suspended and hopefully she can sue for damages and loss of income for the time she is unable to perform normal daily tasks. What is interesting about all this is how much she was minimizing her experience. As always, putting me first. She kept saying I am the one who is sick yet it was obvious that she was injured yet remained selfless as always. What would I do really without this amazing daughter that God gave me??? Always ready to give without expecting anything in return. I love you Tinashe and I am wishing you a speedy recovery....

xoxo

I am still here....Updates

It seems like ages since I have posted updates so I thought it was about time I updated y'all properly on what has been going on in my world. You know I miss y'all. And, thank you to all those who have inboxed checking up on me. A lot has been happening with me these past few weeks. You have not heard from me in a while because I figured, why not blog when things are looking up rather than blog about sad and depressing stuff. While I do feel guilty at times about this I find myself pausing and reminding myself what this blog was really about, RESOLVING TO LIVE and if I am doing that, it means I don't always have to be a Debbie Downer but breathe LIFE! Of course, the side effects are still in force. My saliva is still missing in action and the fatigue continues. Sometimes I feel like a centenarian - yeah over 100 years old believe me. But, as always I remain hopeful that this will all go away at some point with all the abundant love surrounding me and the gym tonic...I recharge every time I go to the gym its been working miracles so far.

I know the worst appears to be over and I am coping extremely well, healing, adjusting to work/life balance and rebuilding in every sense of the word. Often, it feels like a real chore - the truth is, the illness, the pain, the terror of almost dying shattered something in my soul. So, as much as many people talk about healing and moving on, I believe there is no such thing because the trauma remains deeply etched in my brain. Life is never the same after cancer. I do have those occasional pity party moments but try to remain positive. Just to give y'all an update and assure everyone that I have not gone anywhere. Am still here and kicking cancer's ass in spite of.... all the above!  I still worry that the cancer may come back but I know that whatever happens I will be able to deal with it. As always, I have control over my diet, exercise and attitude but there are some things in life we can never control. With that said, I promise to work hard on continuing this blog and reminding everyone who reads my blog that there is life after cancer. The journey may be difficult but once you get there it can be pretty amazing.

Anyway, the last time you heard from me, I had a golf ball size swelling on my jaw. I went to see my Oncologist last week and he referred me back to the Oncologist Surgeon who had initially done my biopsy at the beginning of this journey. Boy! when that happened, I was shocked and I just stopped in my tracks. Many things going through my mind.... First, I thought, wow, has the cancer made a return? Then, I also remembered how painful the surgical biopsy was and I was overwhelmed with emotion. I wept, because I thought this sure feels like a classic snakes and ladder's game which I am not keen on playing at all. Then, I recalled how I had been mistreated during the beginning of this cancer journey. I felt like asking my oncologist to refer me to someone else. But, remember last time I talked about hitting the refresh button. Well, I did just that, I hit the refresh button on life and it seems to really help because it gave me a clean slate and a dose of courage to confront life curve balls every time they are thrown at me.

As always, I went in with my rock, Tinashe by my side, just nervous and anxious but carrying the ever blazing optimistic torch. The good news is, this guy unlike last time, actually remembered me, including my first name and treated me so well. We were both dumb founded. He told me that I had an inflammed abscess and proceeded to explain what was going to happen before doing the incision and drainage. Yeah it was quite painful because apparently anaesthesia does not really work on an inflammed part of the skin. Still the good news is, I felt like the red carpet was rolled out for me despite the very painful procedure. From his assistant up to the residents, nurses, I just felt like a VIP. After the unpleasant procedure, I continued taking my antibiotics and pain meds and within a few days felt much better. The swelling actually went down within a few days which made happy. But, that does not mean I am out of the woods yet.

So far, I just have a scar on my cheek a reminder of this never ending journey called cancer. No wonder its called a journey! Now, I am waiting for my next appointment in August where the same surgeon will do a CT Scan and insert a camera through my nose to determine why I had the inflammation in the first place. He wants to make sure I do not have any hodgkins tumours growing again under the abscess. So, stay tuned for that part of the journey.

Until then, "Dream as if you will live forever and live as if you will die today"...

xoxo

Life is a Gift, Don't Take it for Granted....

I may have a marble sized lump no now it looks like a golfball size on my jaw and half my face is now hanging from swelling and am really really feeling sore, but that ain't gonna stop me from living my life. I understand though that life can be hard hence it isn't really tied up with a fancy or pretty ribbon, but it is still a gift. There is always, always something to be grateful for. So, today, I am grateful for what I have and what I am. I am thankful for even the birds chirping outside my bedroom window. I feel like they are singing for me singing just for me. Saying, "Good morning Dorothee, today is another day, you made it! Just make it joyful!"

Life is beautiful and I am grateful and thankful. I am grateful to my children, family and friends - they make me happy and are the charming gardeners who make my soul blossom! Catherine Kahari, you bring tears to my eyes. Thank you for putting me on speed dial and checking on me relentlessly. Victor Kahari, I love you and I appreciate your love. I am just grateful to so many of y'all the list is so long and I am eternally grateful! I am grateful to strangers who have shown me little acts of kindness. I am grateful for each new challenge because it builds my strength and character. How can I not say life is beautiful with all the love and blessings surrounding me?

In my little world, I continue to strive to live every minute with love, grace and gratitude.Waking up every morning is a special gift that we should all cherish. Imagine that we have lungs that breathe, a heart that beats, eyes that see and the capacity to love and change lives whenever possible. Of course there will always be hardships and things to overcome but we need to remember all the simple things that we forget to be thankful for. I am grateful for so many things and now, every morning when I wake up I say out loudly that, "I am grateful for today and cannot wait for it to begin". Even if turns south as the other past few days. I am still filled with gratitude. The swelling is getting bigger and it is very sore but I am still grateful for many things. By the way, when was the last time you looked in the mirror and really seen who you are? What do you see? Did you come up with words like, beautiful, confident, decadent, influential, inspiring and gorgeous? If you didn't please do it again because giving gratitude is the most powerful way to increase your well-being. I do understand though that there are times when our lights just go off, but often get rekindled by other people. So, we all have cause to be grateful to those who have lighted the flame within us. For me, the list is so long. I am grateful to y'all and I appreciate you!

Before my diagnosis, I would have said that I was a woman of faith. What is faith? It is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. Easier said than done. However, I had no idea how that faith would hold up under such challenging circumstances. I am humbled to say that I have been given strength beyond my greatest hopes. I remain realistically optimistic even though there are those moments of sadness which overwhelm me. But, I refuse to let cancer rule my life. I have chosen to live each day with hope and great joy. This above all else is my source of strength. When I think about life, its funny how I never paid much attention to the words, 'live each day as if it were last" until my cancer diagnosis. Every morning I look in the mirror and say to myself, "Today, I want to fill my life with memorable experiences". By the way, having cancer did not change my personality - I still get annoyed and irritated at little things in life, loud and chatty people annoy me at times and especially people who like to be all in my face all the time and suffocating me unnecessarily.

Hodgkins has enabled me to have those moments when I can stop in my tracks to appreciate all the beauty that surrounds me; the blooming flowers adorning many frontyards and backyards, the beautiful blue sky and birds chirping away in the bright blue sky. Cancer gave me moments of simple appreciation for just being alive. I guess cancer somehow gave me eyes to see the beauty in life that I never took the time to see before. I have learned that each day is precious and that not one person is promised tomorrow. Indeed, this is a hard way to learn what is important in life. For me, it is family and friends. So, people, take care of yourselves because you have the option and ability to do so. Be the best possible you. Be thankful for being alive and having a chance to do anything you please and with that don't let yourself down. Become something huge, just because you can. Do something remarkable, just because you can. Don't sit around waiting for life to happen to you, create it.

LIVE, LOVE AND LAUGH! Because no one knows what the future will hold. So, live each day as if it were last....

Oh NO, Back to Square One? Hitting the Refresh Button on Life...

Am I back to square one, where it all started? "It"? what is "It"? I can't believe I am using euphemisms. What I mean is where this whole cancer journey started. Gees, this life is sure like a snakes and ladders board game. Really, am I back to square one??? Lately, I have been posing that question to myself a lot as I feel like I hit the refresh button on life. My emotions are all over the place.

After seeing my radiation oncologist on Wednesday (yesterday) and being told that he was referring me back to the oncologist surgeon (located at a different hospital) who performed the original biopsy for yet another surgical procedure and further testing. Wow! so many questions going through my mind and a million thoughts of what this could mean. Just trying to wrap my mind around everything that is going on. What does this really mean? Well, I may not have answers right now but I am not obsessing about it. I am taking it as one of life curve balls thrown at me. I am trying to stay strong. Kinda like fake it until I make it. I am just taking deep breaths and rejoicing in the things that are present. I am here now and thats all that matters...

The truth is, after my oncologist said, "I have to refer you back to the oncology surgeon".  I had a deja vu episode.... overwhelming weird and frightening deja vu feelings - the kind of feeling that I know that I have already lived and experienced this not so pretty encounter. If you read my earlier blog postings last year you will understand why I am feeling the way I am feeling right now. The truth is, I had refreshed my browser of life and had started to look forward to moving on to new stories. You can't blame a girl for wanting to move on. The cancer journey may be the hardest journey anyone can ever be on, but the greatest thing for me is that I have my family and friends who provide such big comfort and joy.

Anyway, the good news is unlike the last time where I had to wait for 2 months to have the biopsy done, and only got an earlier appointment after I raised a stinker. This time its different. Phew! that experience was very stressful. This time, I am incredibly impressed. I saw my radiation oncologist on Wednesday and today, Thursday (the following day) I got a call from my dear friend surgeon oncologist that he will see me next week on Tuesday. That is a total record short wait of only 4 days. These are moments I am counting my blessings one by one and naming them one by one. Anyway, since this is at a different hospital, I am now looking for my hospital card because I thought I was done with that part of the journey. No big deal though cause I can get a new card if I don't find it. What is funny about all this is how I had closed that chapter of my life preemptively. Remember how I have loved speaking about all these things in the past tense????? Aahh... such is life that we sometimes have a tendency to look on the more favourable side of events rather than the latter. Its called optimism - a tendency to make lemons out of lemonade and to see the glass as half full when its half empty.

Generally speaking, I am an optimist by nature. Have always been. But, since this journey I have learned something new about this whole idea of optimism. I have wondered why do we have to think positive all the time? On reflection, I realize its okay that I don't have to be positive all the time. Hence, I allow myself those moments when I will rant and whine because I know that is okay too as long as I come back to sanity. I can try to come to terms with my fears and for sure I have lots of them, but at the same time I can also prepare for the worst. Just like the old saying, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Thats exactly how I am dealing with my life which often feels so fragile. So, bear with me as I bear with myself.

Regardless of everything that is going on, I am determined to continue with those activities that lead to true health and well being, such as prayer, exercise, good dietary habits, un-clattering my mind, pampering myself, laughing more from the belly, getting enough sleep that actually gives rest and most important keeping up my personal appearances. All these things help make a challenging situation a tard more bearable. It also is a wonderful opportunity to become more introspective and make strides in personal growth.

Until then, stay tuned as I have just hit the refresh button on the web browser of life and starting all over again......

Im-port-ant News...

Boy oh boy. After a good spell of wellness, I thought I was closing down this chapter of my life for now, but not so fast. How I hate posting about feeling unwell when things were beginning to look up. Was not able to go to work yesterday and today.  I am feeling sad because after having enjoyed a spell of wellness and just being back on my feet and what I supposedly love to call my new normal, I am having a small speed bump as I like to call it. The swelling seems to keep growing and I have stopped looking at myself in the mirror for fear of panicking myself or triggering an anxiety attack. The pain is excruciating which is frustrating because I hate taking these very strong painkillers which knock me out of commission. I am seeing my oncologist today and I hope he can give me a proper calming overview of what exactly is going on. By the way, yesterday I did feel so great because all my doctors were all concerned about me and calling me to make sure everything was fine and letting me know what the next steps are. That felt really good, just knowing that my healthcare team is on point. Sometimes you don't need just medication to make you feel better. You just need other people to show that they care and make you feel really good inside and thats exactly how I feel right now. I love you my healthcare team! Its called food for the soul. I am encouraged as I proceed.... Gotta go now don't wanna be late for my appointment with the oncologist.

Until then, I guess you have to stay tuned and lets all hope for the best.......

After the Scare, How am I?

How am I? I always ask myself? Sometimes, I feel confident but sometimes I do feel scared. It can feel good to be done with treatment but at the same time it can be stressful. Everyday, I worry about the cancer coming back. I guess it will take a while for me to feel confident and have these constant fears somewhat relieved. I still feel constantly tired and achy but I should admit that I am on the improve. I still don't produce saliva in my mouth - a hallmark of radiation induced salivary gland dysfunction (a condition called Xerostomia or cotton mouth) and struggle with a very dry mouth and food tastes like sand and have difficulty swallowing, but I don't have cancer for now, so who cares about those things??? I take it as slow process of healing and appreciate the other good things in my life. Just looking at life as a big canvas

and summing it up in three words, "It Goes On"....

Granted, I had been taking the antibiotic prescribed by my radiation oncologist, I had hoped to feel better. Are you thinking what I think you are thinking? I did too, I thought shit! the tumours have come back. I was petrified! Remember the uncertainty I have talked about before? It can be nerve racking. As I checked myself in the mirror and I saw this incredibly big swelling on my left jaw I thought, "Did the combination chemo and radiation work? Why do some lymph nodes still feel so enlarged and painful too? Is this Hodgkin's still there? Has it come back again? A hundred questions filled my mind but one thing I know for sure is that I didn't panic. I guess its because since after treatment, I have found it really hard to get back to normal. I just feel so drained and fragile. Sometimes, I wake up feeling like I cannot cope with any more of life's challenges. But, I am glad that I have kept pushing myself to get back to normal understanding that what I went through was indeed life-changing. I may be scared but what I know for sure is no matter whats going on, I am concentrating on enjoying the present and being well again for the time being.

After my last post, the marble size lump grew bigger to kinda like golf ball size and it was throbbing and I could not stand anyone touching me on that spot. I could not turn my neck and my ear felt like it was going to blow up. Aarrrggh! That scared me out of my boots! We went to the emergency yesterday and after several tests the lump turned out to be an abscess and I hope its just that. The ER doctor performed what is called a needle aspiration and sent me home with a strong antibiotic and strong painkiller. A culture of the drainage was sent to the lab for further investigation. To aspirate is to withdraw fluid with a syringe after inserting the needle and pulling back on the plunger of the syringe. The freezing injection on my cheek was painful and yes, I screamed. But, I did not feel anything during the aspiration process. This young doctor was amazing! You may be wondering. Tinashe was there as usual holding my hand. This girl has become so strong she didn't even look away during the mini procedure. Now, you can agree why I keep saying she is my ROCK! She is always there for me, unshakeable, always calm, always dependable, always full of positive attitude, always supportive and always strong.

Tinashe, you are my rock and I count you as my privilege. Thank you for standing by me through thick and thin. I am grateful knowing that I can count on your strength. I am grateful that I can ask for your support and know you will go to any length. Your comfort soothes and brings me back to what is priority in life.

And, thank y'all for the beautiful messages and your continued support!! I appreciate y'all and could never do this without you! The biggest thing for me in all this is knowing the people that are special to me and how wide that network is. I would not be here writing this without all your support. Thank you and I love y'all......


Until next time y'all, be kind and be good to yourself......