I have thought about discontinuing this blog, but I remembered that when I was first diagnosed with cancer, I would spend my time reading other people's blogs and most of them just ended abruptly as soon as treatment ended. It bothered me and left me feeling scared and curious and wondering how they were doing. I often wondered whether they were in partial remission like me or stayed in remission or not or whether they died. Just thinking about that scared the crap out of me. So, I decided to keep my blog up and will try updating as often as I can.
Like I said in my previous blogs, life after cancer is not easy. Its pretty hard! One of the biggest struggles is getting people to understand how I feel about all that I have been through - it has not been easy and I realize it will continue to be a challenge. Most people have the attitude that I am done with cancer now and should be able to move on and not think about it anymore. NO! I CANNOT! I do worry constantly and I am anxious about my cancer coming back more-so, now that I have this recent swelling again the size of a marble on my jaw the same spot that ended up being opened up in July last year. The uncertainty is extremely scary and causes me to lay awake at night wondering what if? Then, in the morning I go to work feeling extremely exhausted from lack of sleep and the vicious worry cycle continues.
Sometimes, I feel like I am expected to just forget that I had cancer and move on with my life. Honestly, I dont know how to do that. I am trying but it is extremely hard. From the outside everyone says how great I look and how well I am doing. Even my two lovely Oncologist say I am doing great. But, I feel like saying, "I really dont feel great at all.. Why do I keep getting the same painful swelling on the same spot where I had the biggest tumor. Just because I am not acting like an emotional mess in front of people does not mean that I am doing or feeling great". It feels like there is no end to this whole situation. You dont stop having cancer once treatment is over. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate that I am feeling much better in comparison to when this journey started. But, the truth, cancer is now part of me. Like many cancer survivors, I continue to grope for a suitable word that makes sense of this new place. Sometimes, I wonder how can I call myself a survivor when I will spend the rest of my life being monitored and tested. What about the scars on my body? Sadly, cancer is part of me now. Its embedded in my life forever and will constantly be in the back of my mind. But, I refuse to let it take over my life. Its funny that everyone tells me how strong I am, which is the most humbling compliment... but, I dont really feel that I have been strong at all. I feel that when life throws you curveballs, you either choose to be positive and get through it the best you can ... or you can let it bring you down in a dark place you dont want to be. I just chose the more positive route.
For the most part, all I want to do is pretend the nightmare never happened. That, I didn't lose months and months of my life to pain, appointments, emergency room visits. Who knows, one day I will have the courage to just reflect and make sense of the whole experience. After all those months of going through what I still consider hell, I have moved on - so I keep thinking until something comes up. The sort of bad news is that last week I started feeling feverish and ended up with a swelling on the same spot that sent me under the blade in July 2012. I just had an aspiration done last week and have been taking antibiotics. All this stuff scares the crap out of me. I am seeing my oncologist next week. Hopefully it will turn out to be nothing serious.
I am not sure if I posted that I am now a clinical social worker at a health centre(same organization). Yeah, that was another move up the ladder. Do I hear an Amen?? I am loving being back to work and feeling great most of the time. But, most of all, maintaining a swag that allows me to pass for healthy. In actual truth, the journey continues. Side effects do remain. Hello dry mouth that keeps me awake to take frequent sips of water during the night and every few minutes during the day. This radiation sure did a number on my glands that I don't know will ever heal soon enough. Physically, I am not back to myself yet. I feel chronic fatigue and shortness of breath. However, I still go to the gym and it does help a lot. Since end of treatment, I started "clean eating" and buying organic produce. While the cancer anxiety is not so much, I still worry about it coming back though it is definitely not in the front of my mind as before. I still live in a body that feels like crap a lot of the time. It has taken me time to really learn how to take care of myself in a new way and live again. My life is forever changed but I am truly enjoying the gift of seeing life from the other side of the coin. Most people will live their entire lives and never get to see it the way that I now do. There are things to be thankful for everyday.
One who lived a nightmare but, still lives!
