Appointment Pre-chemo

Today, I had my usual regular appointment pre-chemo with my Oncologist. Every two days before chemo I am scheduled first to do the blood work and the results are immediately sent to the Oncologist for review. When someone is undergoing chemotherapy a lot hinges on the blood results that precede each chemotherapy session. Therefore, low counts can indicate serious side effects and can mean that treatment must be postponed while the body heals. So, I did the blood work first and thereafter went to see my Oncologist. The good news is...Drum-Roll people! my blood counts were fine which means my chemotherapy session is on for this Wednesday. My Oncology checked me out and is happy with the progress so far. The tumour is shrinking and does not appear as visibly large as it was before. Now, thats what I am talking about. Stay tuned.....

Compassion Matters

Today I received a very inspiring email from my best friend Sam who is on an international volunteer teaching post at a University in Dakar, Bangladesh. She liked one of my previous posting about my appointment with the Radiation Oncologist, particularly how this doctor made me feel given not only my foul mood but that it was my first time to see him. And he was able to make me lose the attitude and enjoy the whole experience. Sam, thank you for being my rock and my inspiration. Most of all, I am so proud of you for the work you are doing over there. You are giving a gift that keeps on giving! You are the epitome of what I call compassionate in every sense! Not only that, when you learned about my cancer diagnosis, you flew all the way from BC to Toronto and spend a whole week with me accompanying me to doctors' appointments and just making me laugh. You are so amazing and I appreciate you so much! I just want to let you know that things you do for me do not go unnoticed. You are  a necessary piece to my puzzle of life. I love you and I miss you so much....

Anyway, as someone now very much aware of the feelings provoked by this concept, which is often loosely used. I felt compelled to just reflect and ask what does "Compassion" really mean? The basic definition of compassion is simple awareness of suffering of others and wish or desire to want to relieve that suffering. I am thinking that very definition really sounds superficial. It sounds like typical pageant response that, "I want to save the world". I hate to say it but that statement is disrespectful and condescending. People need to be "Empowered" not "Saved". People are not money that can be saved in a bank account thank you very much! Lets, get back to compassion. How can someone relieve someone's situation? Not an easy task because it is very easy in the process to become pitiful and dis-empower the other person. I don't know if I even want to discuss pity because that word leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Pity is just about feeling sorry for the person for whatever they are experiencing without necessarily being able to understand their situation. I think pity is judgemental and more-so a negative attitude that may include aloofness from the person suffering or worse still condescending.

Anyway, some humanitarian intentions are often filled with good intention, but I am sorry, once you put "saving and pity" in the mix, it just sounds so phony. Personally, I would simply define compassion as "suffering with". I feel that compassion is more about feeling with someone rather than just feeling for them. In my book of experience, compassion is trying to put yourself in my shoes for instance. How about just trying to enter my situation from my position, kinda like walk a mile in my shoes. Most important, compassion is dynamic and transcends empathy. You feel it deep inside your stomach and are moved to do something about whatever situation provoked those feelings in the first place. Until then, stay compassionate and walk a mile in other people's shoes. Because, people may not always remember what you did or what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel.

Anticipatory Anxiety prior Every Chemo Session

Today is one of my best days I like to call normal - if anything like that exists at all. I woke up feeling upbeat and normal. I just cooked a nice crockpot of cream of broccoli soup in the picture. Given, anything that tastes like meat has become tasteless and bland, I will stick to vegetarian for now. Even though it makes me feel good to be able to say that I am feeling at my best after a long while, I cannot shake off this depressing anticipatory anxiety which always starts to creep in a few days before D-day. My next chemo round is scheduled for next Wednesday. Just saying that makes me feel so anxious already. I can feel the knots and the churning in my stomach. Like I said before, my stress and anxiety levels start to increase particularly starting from the weekend preceding my next round of chemo. These feelings come just when you think things are getting better. To tell the truth, I cannot seem to get any rest from the dread of chemo because I know it gets worse every time. This dread starts as soon as I am feeling better like today. This whole  freaking out will continue until Wednesday next week and the vicious circle begins all over again.

Anyway, after my last chemo, I spent six days unable to eat with horrible sores in my mouth, nauseated and no appetite. I have mentioned in a previous blog how I know for sure that I will NEVER eat canned soup again. Today, I decided to prepare home made soup and freeze it in preparation for my ordeal next week when the ordeal starts afresh. I made this cream of broccoli soup from scratch and I really felt good knowing that I have this part of the ordeal under control. At least I don't have to worry about sucking on ice chips for days on end. Anyway, I suppose I should stop whining because I have only two more treatments to go before I start radiation. What I hate is people telling me 'Oh, you only have two more to go that should not be so hard!'  I want to yell, "What do you know and punch you in the face". Just open your ears and shut up because noone except someone who has had my experience knows how this whole shit feels. Here is the thing, each chemo session is worse than the previous. So, I have no intention of looking forward to any because its like telling someone to look forward to a slow death. Until next time...... Stay tuned.....

Happy Birthday Tinashe!

Today is my daughter Tinashe's birthday. What can I say that I have not said already. This girl has been there with me from the beginning of this journey and to tell the truth, I don't know what I would have done without her.

My Dearest Tinashe,

The chocolates are supposed to make you salivate since you love anything chocolate!

I know that I have already written a special letter to you earlier on during this journey. So, I promise to keep this one short so that I do not sound redundant or philosophical. Today, you are 27 and I cannot believe it was just yesterday that you were saying, "Mum, I cannot wait to be an adult".  I just feel like I blinked and you turned 27. Time seems to have just gone by so fast. I seem to have blinked and you went from being a baby girl to a young woman experiencing the independence and bliss of navigating the ocean of life figuring out what your path in life is. But, I like to remember the momentous day you were born. On that day, I became the happiest mother alive. You gave me the experience of a lifetime that holds the deepest and most treasured place in my heart.  Every mother's dream to tie ribbons and shop for cute little dresses. Did you know that its easier to shop for girls than boys? You have influenced me and given me a purpose and reason to discover my own potential in order to show you by example how I want you to live your life. Together, we have learned that the future has the potential to drastically alter our priorities. When we learned that I had cancer, the trials and tribulations of everyday gave way to what was most important. We both learned that sometimes, the things we deem as "so important" can become trivial when reality hits home and can see life and death held in front of you. So, live in the moment because you don't know what tomorrow brings.

When I look into your eyes, I see wealth of possibilities bubbling over. The sky is the limit for you! I am so incredibly proud of you!You have amazed me with your intelligence, determination and talent. Whatever you do going forward, do it with your heart. I have no doubt that you are smart and capable to do anything you want as long as you set your mind to it. Never allow anyone to beat you down. And NEVER settle for second best because you deserve the best of the best. Always remember that with love comes both the sweet and the sour. Always listen to your heart and not the nay sayers. Remember that our future is often defined by our choices and not by chances we make along the way. You will find that everyone in your world may have an opinion but at the end of the day, it is up to you to decided what you want or what will make you happy. If you make a mistake, have the courage to admit it. The truth is, it does not matter whether you are forgiven or not. What matters is that you took responsibility. Always remember that no matter how bad a mistake you may make, or pain or regret it may cause, the people who truly love you will see past it because you matter to them more than you may fully realize. Most important, live each day as if it were your last. Believe in yourself and in your dreams.  Always have hope and love will most certainly find you.

Happy, happy Birthday baby girl, I wish you a million days that reflect the possibilities that lie ahead. So, on this beautiful day, my wish for you is that you find the path that leads you to the abundant life you want. May you find the courage and strength to create the world you want for yourself. May you find true love and happiness in one man who deserves you. And, remember, whenever you need me, I will be there for you always. I will always love and you will always be my beautiful baby girl, my one and only Princess.

I love you with all my heart.

Mom

First Appointment with Radiation Oncologist

After my last appointment with my Chemo Oncologist, he had advised me that he was going to schedule an appointment for me to see the Radiation Oncologist just before I complete my chemo rounds. This new oncologist is supposed to plan and oversee my radiation treatment. So, my appointment was scheduled for today at the same hospital just a different wing. When I got there it was packed with so many people and this did not help my crabby mood. I was feeling really unwell, I had aches and pains. I waited for so long before I saw the Oncologist and then after I had been directed to those private rooms in readiness to see him. I thought for a moment, I had been forgotten. I waited and waited, stood up, walked around, twiddled my thumbs and I can assure you I was just so pissed and was ready to lose it.  By the time the Radiation Oncologist came to see me I was at the end of my rope. But, here is the funny part, the guy is so nice and connects with you on such a human level that there is no way I could not smile. He made me forget instantly that I had been feeling very upset.

Anyway, this doctor is so nice that I just feel so blessed that as this journey continues to progress, I keep being connected to such an amazing medical team who connect with me on a human level - more than I can ask for. As usual, the conversation started with how this was going to completely eradicate the cancer cells. Followed by information on how the radiation is going to impact my life - that is the side effects which are not supposed to be as bad as chemo but who knows. After my experience with chemo so far, I feel that the medical people downplay the impact and adverse effects. I don't blame them because if I knew what I know now I think my mental state would be in Cuckooland!  I was given enough information to stress me enough for the rest of the week hence my delay in posting. The cure of this cancer is absolutely worse than the disease.

I was really shocked that I am going to have 15 rounds of radiation. I never imagined it was going to be so much more than even 5. After he said this, I went into a daze and refused to take any further reading material about how this is going to impact my life. Specifically, that the radiation is going to affect my left saliva glands which will stop producing saliva for a long long time. The radiation is going to burn my skin turning it to very dark - like I am not dark already, I will have trouble swallowing. Really? I thought, this is just too much! How much more can I take? I think he noticed that I was visibly shaken. He continued to explained that it was necessary because the radiation would kill any cancer cells left behind that chemo did not get. He said that after chemo there is always a chance that some rogue cancer cells are still in the body and may not be visible on the last PET scan once chemo is done. I will write some more on radiation in another posting.  Until then I am doing a countdown for my chemo appointment next week. Then, the vicious cycle begins again mouth sores, fatigue, tingling, aches and pains, nausea etc, etc. Stay tuned.....

Adapting to this New Normal

To survive this new normal I must adapt or else.. I am screwed. After chemo, the road has remained bumpy with pins and needles on my fingers and numbness still bugging me, hence the delay in posting stuff. Apart from the pins and needles, which I pray are temporary, I develop these horrible mouth sores immediately after chemo treatment. I guess at this point I am allowed to bitch because these suckers are so annoying and painful. To ease the pain, I have to keep swishing with baking soda salt solution every two or three hours including waking up in the middle of the night. I find myself doing this really weird dance in the bathroom because this salt solution does sting and brings these involuntary tears to my eyes. Well, this comes with the territory of chemo toxicity. The day of chemo my mouth begins to burn like there is fire in my mouth and my tongue feels like someone is cutting it with a razor blade. By day two the pain is so intense and my mouth is red and inflammed. Day three up to five is the same story. Now, I have resorted to using a children's toothbrush which is gentler on the gums. The mouth sores are a nuisance if you ask me, not only because of the discomfort they cause but the limitation they pose on eating, swallowing or even talking.

I must say, chemotherapy side effects are worse than cancer. I am sure some people are like what the hell are you saying. Truth be told, if your doctor doesn't tell you you have cancer you would go about your business as normal.  As for chemo, the treatment is grueling and seriously! how do you explain spending time marinating in a stew of toxic stuff? The general feeling of malaise, the vomiting, the unexplainable aches and pains etc. etc. The fatigue that comes with chemo aaarrgggh!!! I am unable to explain it because it feels like you have sleeping sickness. So, listen to my Oncologist and I remain in the comfort of my bed and hope all this rest helps with the recovery process.  I am not going to go into the details of hurling up even when you have eaten nothing. Anyway, as my new normal I know that I have to adapt and persevere. During this time, I have to drink plenty of water and stick to soup. In fact, I don't think I will be able to stand any kind of soup after this journey because I am just so done. The truth is I envy people who don't get sick from chemo. I hate these side effects so much because these mouth sores for example, are very painful and prevent me from eating and enjoying good stuff that I love like smoothies and fresh fruits. I had strawberries today and sang a little song just from the joy of being able to eat something decent. Enough of the whining, I am feeling better after five days of hiatus and nursing side effects. As I celebrate the small stuff, I am happy to report that I am now able to eat and drink especially enjoying the normal! I know this chemo is supposed to be saving me but I just want it to end - RIGHT NOW! Until then, stay tuned.....

A Big Thank You!

Today I just want to appreciate three amazing friends I have made over the years who chose to surprise me with a mini party. Coming to visit me and celebrate our graduation together left me speechless. To, Kinnon all the way from Nova Scotia, Steph all the way from Oakville and Venece it does not matter that you live closer. I appreciate y'all so much for just being there with me on Friday to celebrate our accomplishments when you could have been anywhere else. I had a blast with y'all and I did not want the day to end. Even though I could not eat I appreciate all the treats and flowers you brought. I am just overwhelmed with gratitude for what you have done. I feel so blessed to have such amazing friends standing with me during this difficult time.

To the MSW class of 2011 and my professors, thank you for the beautiful card and the heartfelt messages that left me teary eyed. Thank you for surrounding me with so much love and support. I love you all. You know how they say some friends are gold those you have known longer while others are silver those you have known for a shorter while. I want y'all to know that you are all precious to me.

Second Chemo Update: Harder Than the First

I just had my second chemotherapy and it was harder than the first one. During the process, I felt more pain than the last time as the toxic stuff travelled through my veins. As a result, it took longer than the first one. We had to have some several intermissions as the chemo nurse flushed my veins with saline to alleviate the burning sensation and pain. A hot compress was also placed on my arm and it does help. As the chemo nurse is flushing my vein, I hear this bell ringing kinda like the church bells and I asked if we were having a church service. She laughed and told me this was tradition that every time a patient completes treatment they ring this big bell to celebrate completion of this painful process. I think this is fun and I cannot wait to do the onus. At that moment, I thought well, I should be ringing that bell because today is my graduation from the Masters in Social Work program. Again, congratulations to all my classmates. I wish you all the best! Sounds crazy but I did feel a tard sad because I missed my convocation and just being with my classmates today. Anyway, back to the major story, for some strange reason I felt nauseated throughout the session despite taking the anti-nausea medication before treatment. So, I took some more anti-nausea during chemo. All went well but leaving the clinic, I was just feeling really sore and light headed. I just wanted to head home and be in my bed. Getting home my mouth started feeling the usual burning sensation signifying mouth sores to come. But, now that I am equipped with relevant tools. Mouth washing several times with baking soda and salt in warm water really helps. I also have this Biotene mouthwash which Tapfuma got for me which is amazing. No, its a miracle worker.  I feel more tired than the last time and I have more aches and pains which is all expected. Until then, let me get some more rest.

Excited! I am Graduating from the Masters in Social Work Program!

Rather than being consumed by the sadness of cancer trials and tribulations, today I choose the first principle of transformation which calls us to appreciate ourselves.  I am appreciating my success by just recognizing my accomplishments so far. Not an easy task as I do not wish to sound narcissistic! But, I am taking this very special moment to just acknowledge and give myself deep appreciation of who I am in this world. Yes, peepo, tomorrow is my BIG DAY! I am graduating from the Masters in Social Work program at Ryerson University, Toronto, Canada www.ryerson.ca. Unfortunately, the devastating impact of chemotherapy on my fragile health prevent me from walking the stage and rocking that fabulous bald head as promised. I will rock it in spirit though. But, hey, I am so happy to take this opportunity to celebrate this major milestone with all my classmates. A milestone that included sacrifices, tears, successes including disappointments here and there. To my classmates, a graduation is such an important and rare moment which allows us to celebrate our accomplishments individually and collectively. Lets put on our armour as we all prepare for new experiences and adventures; Continuing with the script, writing the next chapter of our lives which may be scary, stressful or exciting. But, I know we all have what it takes to confront this rocky world. However, I must admit, though the MSW journey was arduous and long, it was worth every bit! A big shout out to ya'll Graduates! and Congratulations MSW Class of 2011! You are the bomb! I wish you all the best! I feel honoured and humbled to be included among the 35 most extraordinary social innovators; movers and shakers who take my breath away. Now, go out there and and be the change we want to see in this world.

As I reflect and introspect, I am filled with emotion as I still cannot fathom how I managed to complete my thesis which was arduous and taxing. It stretched my limits as it involved a lot of research, conducting emotional interviews, transcribing, writing and sleepless nights while at the same time climbing this cancer mountain. How can I forget my taxing clinical social work job at a hospital during all this! Honestly, often, I felt like I was jogging on a treadmill that has no stop button. I could not have done it without the support of my thesis supervisor Dr. Jennifer Poole, my mentor extraordinaire who kept me focused! I am still in awe of her patience as I muddled through the sticky mud and maze of a thesis journey. I just blinked and shed a little bit of tears, because this Masters journey has come full circle and feels surreal. A full circle for a humble girl from Harare, Zimbabwe who dared to dream big, travelled the globe as a diplomatic international civil servant for eleven years with a re-known International Development Bank and ultimately turning into an international citizen without borders. And, most of all dared not to quit at every turn of the moment; Always looking at obstacles as an opportunity to remove limits. And, always knowing that winners are not those who never fail, but those who never quit. I did all this because my strength lies in my tenacity and recognition that living for a higher purpose increases abundance. Who said you stop dreaming just because you are ill?

To, my children, Tinotenda, Tinashe and Tapfuma, I liken you to the air that I breathe. You are my everything! And, you were my biggest cheerleaders during this tough thesis journey picking me up when I almost gave up! Thank you for your immeasurable and calm support. This diploma belongs to you too for playing different roles in your own different ways!  I could not have done this without ya'll. This diploma signifies obstacles I have overcome in the past and those I continue to negotiate in the present. My goal remains the same, overcoming and singing "Victorious!" at the end of it all. The truth is - this Masters experience, allowed me to discover more about myself. Specifically, that I am capable of doing so much more than I care to give myself credit for. Most important, I made life long friends who continue to fervently support me during my own new chapter of this cancer journey. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate ya'll!

Through all this, my motivation was a simple goal to achieve and succeed. This goal led to culmination of wearing this strange convocation outfit and recognition of the journey that I have walked to be here today. I have finally achieved my Masters Degree - my life long dream. This, stands as a constant reminder to myself, that no matter how tough this cancer journey may be, I have what it takes. I have overcome so much obstacles already to be here today. With this big achievement I just want to shout out, Hoorah! and do the Happy Dance at the same time. But, I will save myself the strain caused by unexplainable pain and neuropathy for now. Yes, for now, because once I get my groove back, you betcha! I am gonna do just that and more celebrate -with swagga. Just the idea that I am graduating tomorrow motivates me to want to beat this cancer even much more. I cannot wait to be that change needed in the world. So, this is my story of triumph and delight ya'll! I will continue to be a champion who gets up, even when I am unable. So, remember peepo, when you reach the end of your rope, just tie a knot and hang on.... Remember to stay motivated no matter your obstacles. Stay tuned.....

I Have Neuropathy - Feels Like Pins and Needles

I hope you will all bear with me as these pins and needles attack my hands and feet. I have neuropathy one of the dreaded side effects of chemotherapy treatment. I feel like someone is poking me continuously with pins and needles at the tip of my fingertips and my toes.  It hurts and disables me from doing the simple things I love to do like typing for example. After my first round of chemo, my arm where I had the IV has been very sore for the past week and a half and I could not lift it up. This weekend, I thought now that the arm is feeling better, I can celebrate normalcy a bit. But, not so fast, three days ago, I started feeling nerve pain, tingling and burning sensation in my fingers and toes. I could not type or do simple stuff. I thought well, maybe this will go away. But, the tingling has now turned into loss of sensation.

So, I saw my Oncologist today who explained that this was a chemo side effect called chemo induced peripheral neuropathy where nerves that transmit sensation from the extremities to the central nervous system are damaged. Peripheral nerves are responsible for sensations you feel such as touch, pain or temperature. I know, it sounds like jargon, I just heard, central nervous system blah blah blah. Anyway, the bottom line is I have lost sensation in my fingers and toes making it hard for me to type. I guess, for me now the need for treatment is more urgent than the residual nerve damage. It may go away or may get worse. So, for now, I will cope with this neuropathy and make the best of my situation. With that said, I hope you will all bear with me when I delay to post as I manage and try to cope with this new neurological development. While I have lost sensation in my fingers and toes, the good news is I have dramatically experienced weight loss of 10 pounds in a short space of time. I thought wow! this cancer is doing a real "Zumba Fitness Party" number on me. When the nurse said this is too much sudden weight loss I think we should speak to the doctor about it. I was like, "Hell no! Do you know how much I have been working out in the gym before all this cancer stuff just to lose a mere pound?" We really laughed about this and it dawned on me that, I may have a difficult cancer journey but at the end of it all, I am gaining something effortlessly. Everyday holds a possibility of a miracle.... So, for everything I have missed, I am gaining something else. Until then, I will continue to walk this purple journey with much grace and determination....

Look Good Feel Great

I apologize for going missing in action! Let me tell ya'll when you are going through chemotherapy treatment its like you accept a new normal. Things do get rough at times where some days you just crawl through and some days you just want to forget. So, I am taking one day at a time and embracing it all, the good and the bad and the ugly as a way to move ahead. I always thought I had pretty good concept of living one day at a time before, but I can assure ya'll, now this concept is even more true for me than ever before. Now, I start each day with thankfulness instead of whining and moaning. I try to look for joy and humour in each day. It is working and I am glad for this new me. Well, don't get me wrong, this does in no way mean my days of bitching and whining are over. It simply means my priority now is finding joy and beauty in each day and hopefully try to wake up every morning with a smile.

This week I had the pleasure of attending a "Look Good Feel Better Workshop" for women with cancer courtesy referral by my lovely Oncologist. I am so glad I attended this free workshop because its totally what I needed. For anyone going through the same cancer journey, this organization is international and you can google and find your location. There is a special bonding and feeling you experience when you are among other cancer warriors. The experience is eye opening as you receive wisdom from others as they share their journeys with you and you realize that you are all on the path to finding your best in life.So, here is the thing, The Look Good Feel Better is a charitable foundation of the Canadian Cosmetic, Toiletry and Fragrance Association. It is dedicated to empowering women with managing the effects of cancer and treatment on appearance and morale. I must say, the workshop does exactly what it means, you will look good and you will feel better after spending time with other women with different kinds of cancer in a safe and supportive environment.

We shared stories, insights, we had laughter and yes, sometimes tears but in the end we all left feeling so good about ourselves. No wonder they call it "makeover for the spirit". The highlight of the workshop is the step by step instructional on how to do a makeover led by cosmetology professionals using products donated by the cosmetic industry. At the end of the workshop we all took home instruction booklets and complimentary cosmetic kits (big box) valued at US$500. In fact, I have not finished checking everything out its so much from cleansers, foundation, face powder, cuticle cream, eye cream, lipstick etc, etc. Oh Gosh! it is so much. I really appreciated this makeover for my spirit and the cosmetic kit was a bonus! After the makeover, we went through a session of different ways to tie our bald heads with scarfs without using a mirror. We also had an opportunity to see different kinds of specialty scarfs available to us. Now, I have become religious in making sure I look good whether I am in the house or going for doctor appointments because that is what it means to live each day as if it is the last - to stop worrying about the future because it has not yet come. Therefore, staying in the present and just making it beautiful and worth remembering is the name of the game. Remember, life is not a rehearsal - every moment counts. I am learning to live life to the fullest and making a concerted effort to remember to wake up each day with a smile. Maybe you can all try to do the same. Until then......

Goodbye Sister Locs (very thin dread locs) Hello Baldy Head

That's a shot of me embracing my bald swagga! Tapfuma thanks for that great shot and making me feel better after the ordeal! When it comes to losing hair, I must admit, the truth of the matter is it can be a very emotional experience. You will all recall how I have been stressing about losing my hair and how many times the Oncologist, nurses, case manager, the list goes on and on. Oh Gosh, this hair thing appears to be a hot topic in cancer treatment. They all advised me that hair loss was inevitable and that I should be prepared emotionally and mentally. Although annoying, I am glad I was reminded of this at every appointment as it allowed me time to process my emotions. So the A in my ABVD chemo treatment is the drug that causes hair loss. This occurs because of how chemotherapy targets all rapidly dividing cells i.e. the dividing cancer cells including the healthy cells. Who knew, hair cells are the fastest growing cells in the body. If you are not undergoing chemotherapy your hair follicles divide every 23 to 73 hours. How about that? Gosh! Scientific evidence has a way of really encouraging when doubt starts to creep in.

As soon as I knew chemotherapy and radiation would be part of my treatment regimen, instead of waiting for the inevitable I went to the barber and had my hair buzzed. I am glad I did because after my first chemo my mouth was burning and my head was burning and itchy. I thought gee! why am I having all the side effects simultaneously. I later learned that the burning is the beginning of hair falling off and the burning in my mouth turned into sores. I could not imagine seeing my locs falling off one by one. That would have been tragic. That experience, I knew would have caused me great emotional distress. So I made a pre-emptive choice and truth be told, it was empowering and exhilarating. This move allowed me an emotional advantage and for once I felt in control of part of my roller-coaster journey. In fact, it appears my partner took my hair loss more badly than I did. What I told myself was that this bald head may be outside societal norms but, at the end of the day I was like hey, I am beautiful with or without the hair. I kept telling myself that my hair will eventually grow back again even prettier. I say so because I believe when you lose your hair through chemo it does not come back the same - it comes back usually thicker but more curly and soft. So, my mental image of regrowth is that of even more beautiful curly hair who knows I may soon be donning a new look altogether. I can assure you, there was no pity party - no nothing just getting down to business and allowing the feeling of sadness to engulf me and allowing it to pass. After that process, I embraced my going bald and now I am looking for scarfs and hats that can rock my new look - maybe a wig who knows. I decided what the heck? Why stress about my hair after all the same toxic chemotherapy is hopefully giving me a new lease of life? So, Amen to that! All in all, a bald head is the least of my problems. I am holding on tightly to that life rope, rocking my bald head and keeping my chin up!

Happy Thanksgiving Ya'll!

Everyday is a new beginning. Today I woke up with low energy but with a renewed spiritual energy and fully aware that going forward I needed to count my blessings one lovely time at a time. It dawned on me that life's hurricanes and earthquakes are part of blessings. I became cognizant of how forgetting to count blessings can cause an intense fog that stops you from seeing the good in your life. To my nieces Hermana (UK), Tendayi (Boston) and my dear friend Krissy (Victoria, BC) thank you for the lovely messages. My dear sisters Charity Majuru (UK) and Connie Kadiyole (Indiana), thank you for giving me such a wonderful thanksgiving gift.  Moreblessing (UK), I appreciate you so much. Thank you for the gift! Esther Guzha (Toronto)(you such a selfless person thank you for being in my life. You are always there cleaning and taking me to the doctor and attending to my silly whims) and your son Sifelani (Toronto), what can I say thank you so much for the gift of love. (thats why they say kuwanda huuya! or Ubuntu!) I can't even translate that into English otherwise it will lose its profound meaning. But, I will try for my friends who do not understand the indigenous languages of Southern Africa. Ubuntu is a Southern African philosophy that speaks to the essence of being human, that in this world we do not exist alone because we are all interconnected. A person with Ubuntu is known for their generosity.

I am eternally grateful that though I may feel lonely at times, the truth is I am not alone. With your constant support, I am self-assured that I belong to a greater whole. I appreciate your shared concern and support. You all reminded me how truly blessed I am. You helped me remember that when you count your problems and if for some strange reason they out-number your blessings, then you need to count again because the chances are that the things (blessings) I may be taking for granted were not added to the list. Yes, counting my blessing includes the good, the bad and the ugly. As I focused on my blessings, within a short space of time I felt my spirits lifted on high. That is when I realized that its very easy to get lost in stuff that has not happened or the what ifs of life. For real, it is easy to get lost in the fog and trivial life stressors such that we become blinded to the wonders that are the everyday blessings that pour magic into our lives. I am truly grateful and acknowledge the tremendous blessings in my life. I feel enveloped by love and the tremendous out-pour of support I am receiving from family and friends. I have so many things to be grateful for. The list is endless! I am grateful even for the warmth of my bed and the roof over my head. I am counting all my blessings one by one, daily and hourly because I know, those who are a blessing to me today maybe gone tomorrow. So, I embrace and I appreciate ya'll! Most important, I am grateful that each day given to me is a blessing, even those days that I have whined and bitched about how I am feeling all crappy or weepy. I have able hands to drive, carry my shopping bags and even write these words and share with others. I have a mouth to speak and a voice that can be heard without fearing someone will silence me at any point. I am still kicking ass! With that said, I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!

Feeling the Blues

Today I am all weepy and feeling crappy and sad. Last night was not so good. I spent the night throwing up and nothing much was coming out except bitter nasty bile since I have not been able to keep anything down. I was able to catch some sleep in the wee morning hours but woke up with terrible sores in my mouth and my tongue which hurt so bad. Its like there is fire in my mouth. I also have these severe stomach cramps that I just cannot deal with. (all expected chemo side effects). As I lay in my bed sick and worn out, I just felt so sad and lonely, I felt myself standing alone in solitude in this crowded world. I felt alienated from the world outside. My heart hurts and I feel confused as I feel lost in the cocoon of my own solitude. Sometimes in our lives you feel pain when a loved one chooses not to support you at your greatest time of need. All of sudden your world feels like its been torn apart and your world has changed. You ask yourself, How do I cope? How do I get past it? For sure these are really difficult questions for me which I don't have answers to yet.

I am sad because one person I care so much about and thought would have my back through thick and thin is not there for me anymore. She has made a decision that she does not want to be part of my journey anymore. One may say why at this time? But, I will not question the reasons or motives behind this untimely decision because don't they say you know who your true friends are when you are in the dumps? I know in my heart that there are things we all don't want to happen or people we think we cannot live without but I am realizing that we have to learn at some point to just let go. So, I cried today...... not because I miss her..... or even wanted her to be here telling me she is here and that I am going to be okay... I cried because I realized I am going to be alone but will be alright without her. So, I took my ass out of bed despite feeling crappy went shopping for some food since there was nothing to eat that I fancy in the house. As I pushed the cart, feeling all nervous about catching a bug, I could not believe that I am no longer the strong person that I was. I just felt so weak and all the energy seeping out my body and found myself asking for a place to sit because I almost passed out. After resting for a while I picked up some frozen fruits, gatorade and jello hoping that this will go down and not come out. I need to eat something. As I slowly pulled myself together and got to my car I was glad that I was able to make it after-all and drive myself home safely. Such is the irony of life, it takes sadness to know what happiness is.

Is There a Light at the end of the Dark Tunnel?

Aarrrggghhh!!!! where is the light at the end of this dark tunnel? Today is my crappy day. I woke up feeling so sick, after taking my temperature which I am supposed to monitor religiously I noticed that I had a fever of 38 degrees celsius. That freaked me out. I thought I am not supposed to feel these side effects so soon! My whole body was hurting my chest was hurting and I felt like it was on fire. I figured Oh! no! I was going to catch a cold. If I had a choice, I would not have left my bed at all. But, today I had to go for the Gallium scan part two. As I lay there under this huge doughnut machine, I closed my eyes to distract myself but it did not work. Anyway, the scan is a simple one but for me it felt like a monumental task given the way I was feeling. Did I mention they ask you to place your hands on your side then they wrap you up in a kind of like a straight jacket with tight velcro grips. And another velcro tight wrap is placed round your head to help you stay still. I thought what the heck! This looks someone going under the guillotine. Yeah, my brain runs wild like that sometimes. Oh well, I did let them know though that this was really creepy and can give a major anxiety attack. And they admitted I was not the first to say this but this test was important because it was part of Staging. I thought thanks for the reminder that I have cancer and I need this creepy scan. When I got home, I was feeling really really sick, my chest was tight and my whole body was hurting and I was feeling chills coupled with severe stomach cramps. I took my temperature again and noticed that I still had a fever - now it was 38.2 degrees celsius but there was no way I was going to an emergency - I was just too tired and too sick to even manage that. And who wants to be at the hospital at thanksgiving weekend. Not that I have anything planned. I may be sick but I am still thankful for many things in my life. I slept throughout the day and that seemed to help. However, when I woke up my chest was still hurting and I suddenly felt this burning sensation in my mouth - my tongue felt like it was on fire and painful to even open it. I threw up the soup that I had taken earlier and aargghh! I have not eaten in two days now. - just drinking lots of iced water. I feel so horrible! Tapfuma came home from school and he went and bought some baking soda. He made a solution and mixed it with salt which gave me temporary relief after swishing it in my mouth. Will continue to monitor the fever and the mouth sores. If the fever and the burning in my mouth continues I will go to the emergency. Until then... I need to go back to sleep and get some more rest.

First Chemo Update - The Battle begins in earnest

I had my first cycle of Chemotherapy yesterday and it was not as bad as I had envisioned. However, I was not able to blog because I was feeling unwell the kind of blaah you can't really put into words (not unexpected). I must say, even though I have gone through all the sessions about whats involved it feels like your memory simply defies logical reason and makes you imagine the worst. First, I have to say the number of people coming into the Chemo Day Care just amazed me. All the chairs were filled up and I must say it gave me pause to see the number of people coming in to get their fix of this toxic stuff. I just realized how I for one have often taken life for granted just assuming that every person you meet is healthy. Anyway, I was glad that my partner and Tinashe were there to hold both my hands and that was comforting. I have had people ask me how this chemo stuff happens. I have already mentioned my treatment is cocktail of drugs called ABVD. After registration, I proceeded to the treatment area comprised of several cubicles which accommodates two patients and one visitor per cubicle. The nurse was very pleasant and gave me again another lecture of what ABVD is and the blah blah blah side effects to expect before hooking me up to an IV pole. Then she wanted to know if I had taken the combination prescription of four different tablets supposed to be taken at home one hour before chemo starts.

Because ABVD causes nausea and vomiting, the nurse started the IV by administering some steroids and anti-nausea medicine through the drip slowly. Then when this was done, injected the bright red Adriamycin into the vein directly using a syringe.  Some people have called this the Red Devil for good reason because as it is going in you can actually taste it in your mouth. Nasty! She kept pausing periodically to make sure the drip was going through the vein and not the tissues. She said if the drugs miss the vein the complications can be devastating. Great! I thought but she was amazing she kept talking to me and telling me everything she was doing and what to expect when the medication was going in such as feeling heat as the medication is going through the veins. Everything went perfectly well. The four bags were administered separately starting with the A which looks like some bright red juice and gave me red pee after wards. This was followed by V then B and D which is added through the IV line and go in slowly...drip drip drip as you sit there and wait patiently. After the chemo treatment I felt okay until I got home. It was then I felt really queasy, run down and unwell. So, I slept and that made a difference except for an acute head ache that kept nagging and nausea. I have not been able to eat anything because of the persisting queasy feeling and nausea. All in all, I am doing good even better than I imagined in terms of the side effects. So far so good. Just stay tuned.......

Gallium Test

Today is one of those not so great days - I am just feeling so much pain in my back and the exhaustion is just killing me - I can't even blog. So, no more bitching about radioactive or nuclear material imaging tests. I will keep it brief. Here is the good news - remember yesterday my Oncologist was concerned about the cells in my chest and wanted this Gallium scan done urgently so that he can determine whats going on in there. So, I told you people, this guy is just amazing! After coming home feeling really down because I was not sure if this test was going to be done in a timely fashion, granted this is beyond my doctors' control, it happened sooner than I anticipated. To cut a long story short, I received a call this morning that the part one of this test had been scheduled for this afternoon. A Gallium scan is a nuclear medicine test that uses a special camera to take pictures of specific tissues in the body. This test involves at least two separate visits. So, my first visit today I received an injection of Gallium radioactive (a type of metal in a liquid form) intravenously. I will return for the second part 48 hours later which is Friday to have the scan done. The only interesting thing was the notice posted right in the tiny waiting room which reads, "If you will be crossing international borders in the near future be sure to inform your technologist". Well, apparently you need special documentation declaring your recent nuclear medicine test to avoid for instance, the homeland security nabbing you ha ha ha. Nuclear imaging test can trigger homeland security detectors. Wow!

The Anticipated Staging Results are Here!

Today was a big and eventful day! I got the results of all the numerous tests I had been doing all along. I am sure you will recall how anxious I have been to know how far the cancer had spread. Thank God! its Stage I - II and referred to as early stage lymphoma! Its funny that on receiving the news, I felt ambivalent. Just that state of having simultaneous, and unexplainable conflicting feelings. Suddenly, after learning the stage of my cancer I did not feel that excitement one would expect given I am a Stage II not a Stage IV - I know it could have been worse.  But, guess what, the struggle continues. Aluta Continua! Anyway, call me a cynic - I don't see the reason for celebration yet, because I am still inducted in the "Hall of Cancer" despite being in the early stages. It does not change the overwhelming emotions and fear of the unknown let alone the aches and pains. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that it could have been worse but please, does that change my situation? Certainly not! I still feel crappy about this whole journey. Don't worry people, chemo is going to knock some sense into my head, so I am told. By the way, before I saw the oncologist, I had the good pleasure of meeting my pleasant oncology nurse/case manager who will be working with me and at my disposal 24/7. Of course, not literally. Well, we spent a good half hour doing the blah, blah, blah blah of chemo side effects and how I may need to purchase a children's very soft toothbrush because my mouth will become tender, sensitive and develop mouth sores the most feared side effect of chemo. And blah, blah blah, its better to cut your hair so you don't experience the emotional toll of it falling off in the shower or everywhere.

My Hodgkin's lymphoma diagnosis has been staged and is classified as Stage IIA ("A" means no symptoms of unexplained fever, night sweats etc). Hence, this is considered early stage cancer which is good according to my doctor. I do not have any "B" disease which means "bulky disease". I have multiple enlarged lymph nodes in my neck and a few mild enlarged lymph nodes in my chest. Bulky refers to cells greater than 10 centimeters in diameter and require more chemo. The only downer is that the doctor explained that apart from the initial large tumour cells on my neck, the results revealed more tumor cells on the left hand side of my chest. which require further investigation.What that means is that I have to go back to the place I hate so much - the nuclear place to do this urgent special test called Gallium scan. The Gallium scan is an important indicator of Hodgkin's activity in the identified tumours in the left side of my chest.

Let me give you a brief overview of how Hodgkin's is staged into different groups. Remember earlier in my blogs I mentioned that Staging helps determine prognosis and treatment options. Hodgkin lymphoma stages include:
Stage I - means that the cancer is limited to one lymph node regions or a single organ.
Stage II - means the cancer is limited to a section of the body either above or below the diagram.  In this stage, the cancer is affecting two different lymph nodes or the same side of the diaphragm.
Stage III - the cancer has moved to lymph nodes both above and below the diaphragm or its in the spleen.
Stage IV - This is the most advanced stage of this type of cancer. It means cancer cells are in several parts of one or more organ tissues. In this stage, the lymphoma affects both the lymph nodes and other parts of the body such as liver, lungs and bones.

My treatment plan involves 4 cycles of chemo in combination with radiation to the areas of the involved lymph nodes instead of the traditional 6 cycles. Each cycle is broken down into two - meaning one cycle will be administered as an outpatient twice in one month with a two week break in between to allow the blood counts to recover. The A, B, V, D will be administered through an intravenous line. I got a whole bag of different prescriptions to take prior chemo to manage the common side effects such as nausea, etc. Given the very nature of chemo and its potential to destroy both good and bad cells, the two week break in between is kinda like a holiday for me to build strength to take in some more chemo. The radiation treatment plan will only occur after the 4th cycle under a different radiation oncologist who will determine how many cycles. I believe the radiation will be targeted to only the parts of my body known to have the cancer (like its some kind of relief).

I Miss My Mom!

Today, I miss my dear mother so much that it hurts. My mom is like the emotional bank where you run to deposit all your hurts and worries. Then, she allows you endless withdrawals of love and compassion making you feel better instantly. She knows my weaknesses but loves me anyway. I miss my mom's warm understanding and infinite patience. If she was here, she would give me reassurance and soothe my sometimes childish fears. Today, is one of those days where I have that deep longing and just miss her. I want my mommy! I feel like a vulnerable little girl and want her to take care of me and just wipe the tears that I cry. I wish my mom was here with me and I could just lie on her lap like I used to. I must say I am having a really tough time without my mom around. I just wish I could hear her tell me, "Don't worry honey, everything is going to be okay" or just give me a big hug. My mom has always been my truest friend and the kind of jet fuel that enables me to do the impossible, especially when adversity thickens around me. And today, I just miss her so much. My mom is the kind of mom who will be there for you even when everyone else has deserted you. She is my Queen and my hero. I miss her and I love her very much.....

I miss you Mama! I miss you when something is troubling me because you are the one who understands me well....

Final Staging Procedure # 5 Chemo Overview Session for Patients and Family

You are all wondering how is chemo overview part of staging? It is part of staging because once all the tests are done you have to be prepared and reminded again about the notorious side effects of chemotherapy and how it would drastically impact your life - the usual blah blah blah blah! Shall I save you from the gory details, I think not! The nausea and vomiting, diarrhea,  constipation, skin and nail changes(who knew breaking or falling off), the fatigue, the hair loss, mouth sores and reproductive changes (not that I care much about that)! What else? They tell you to save yourself the trauma - "don't go finding answers on Google!" Really, who doesn't go on Google when they are freaking out about something concerning their health? Yeah, scary no wonder you have to take a class and some more literature to read (I need a whole space for lymphoma on my bookshelf) topped up with a guided tour of the place where its all gonna happen - not very private but who needs it anyway. I wish we could just focus on the positives - I guess there are not so much positives apart from how chemo shrinks the cancer cells and hopefully gives you your life back. This really feels like school except I am paying more attention and exercising more due diligence this is my life ya'll.  I need to have a handle on this so I need to take everything in. Don't want any surprises once the chemo shit starts sending me on a roller coaster. After the class, I wanted to reflect more on this but realized that I am not in a position to diss how chemo is toxic or how bad it is because I need this toxic shit to shrink these cancer cells causing me much distress. You know how they say, people who live in glass houses should not throw stones?

Anyhoo, yesterday was the D-day, the final part of the staging process. Phew! no needles and no machines for now. What a relief! My right arm is hurting from all the poking and proding so far, I deserve a break. This was just a training session on Questions and Concerns before you begin chemo. No, its not a one-on-one its a group session. As I looked at the agenda I wondered, if some of the stuff pisses you off, do they think any one of us was going to get up and say "Fuck That! I am not going through with this damn chemo?" You look around and see the look in everyone's eyes full of anticipation and shouting lets do this! For myself including the others in the room it appeared no matter how scary it all sounded, we were all ready and prepping for starting chemo next week. It was interesting that as people introduced themselves around the room, the different types of cancer were represented, pancreatic cancer, lung cancer, colon cancer, breast cancer and lymphoma. It looked like one of those diversity classes except this class makes you even more aware that cancer does not discriminate. It affects all of us whether you are black, white, brown or yellow - everyone is susceptible to cancer! Cancer does not care whether you are rich, poor or somewhere in between. Damn this cancer! As we introduced ourselves we also mentioned who our different Oncologists were. For a minute you forget about your own cancer and just go Wow! I am not alone in this battle, we are an army fighting this formidable battle! When I saw the people who came for this appointment alone - unaccompanied by family or friends, it broke my heart and compelled me to count my blessings as I watched Tinashe sitting beside me as she intently proceeded to take notes and ask pertinent questions about how she can support me like she is back in University! Gosh! it brings tears to my eyes. Tears of joy and gratitude. I appreciate you Tinashe more than you will ever know! You are my pillar of strength! Thank you for your dedication and sacrifice, you are amazing!

Anyway, let me bring you back to my earlier blog where I mentioned that I really like my Oncologist because unlike my not so good experiences earlier on in this journey, he treated me like a person deserving dignity like everyone else, not a statistic to be entered into a database. So, the good news is that - I was right! The first thing the charming and friendly Oncology Nurse facilitating the overview said repeatedly, "I love your Oncologist, he is the best!" I just beamed and confirmed that I loved him too! She kept repeating..."He is the best!" Let me tell ya'll, I felt so comforted and privileged that I was in good hands after-all. Of course, the other people in the room may not have received this news well because who wants to be second best? I think this session was really helpful because it prepares you while at the same time gives you control of the more difficult part of the journey that lies ahead. I will not bug ya'all with the nitty gritties but what we covered was, getting to know your health care team, what chemotherapy is and how it works, a typical treatment day, tips to help you manage side effects and tips to help you cope.

I will go over my own regiment since each person's treatment is different. Like I have said before, my course of treatment is called ABVD which is a four drug regimen. A-Adriamycin;B-Bleomycyin; V-Vinblastine and D-Dacarbazine. These drugs are usually given in that order (A,B,V,D) lasting 28 days and consists of two treatments given two weeks apart over a period of about six months. Each drug listed above works in combination and treats Hodgkin's differently and has its own side effects.

I will not address the anticipated fear and dread associated with my impending chemo next week because re-harshing my fears is not going to benefit me in any positive way. In fact, apart from sounding like a broken record, its just escalating my anxiety levels! Whoever came up with the theory that fear is a survival mechanism in response to perceived threat was crazy! Fear is what it is. It is what it is.....You are afraid, you are worried, you are anxious and you are nervous. I think I have said enough about my fear and so far it has not worked for me. So, with that said, I will remain with the understanding that because fear lies in my sub-conscious mind, I just need to  understand that often things always look impossible until its done. Who said, courage is not the absence of fear! Remember to stay tuned......