Life is a Gift, Don't Take it for Granted....

I may have a marble sized lump no now it looks like a golfball size on my jaw and half my face is now hanging from swelling and am really really feeling sore, but that ain't gonna stop me from living my life. I understand though that life can be hard hence it isn't really tied up with a fancy or pretty ribbon, but it is still a gift. There is always, always something to be grateful for. So, today, I am grateful for what I have and what I am. I am thankful for even the birds chirping outside my bedroom window. I feel like they are singing for me singing just for me. Saying, "Good morning Dorothee, today is another day, you made it! Just make it joyful!"

Life is beautiful and I am grateful and thankful. I am grateful to my children, family and friends - they make me happy and are the charming gardeners who make my soul blossom! Catherine Kahari, you bring tears to my eyes. Thank you for putting me on speed dial and checking on me relentlessly. Victor Kahari, I love you and I appreciate your love. I am just grateful to so many of y'all the list is so long and I am eternally grateful! I am grateful to strangers who have shown me little acts of kindness. I am grateful for each new challenge because it builds my strength and character. How can I not say life is beautiful with all the love and blessings surrounding me?

In my little world, I continue to strive to live every minute with love, grace and gratitude.Waking up every morning is a special gift that we should all cherish. Imagine that we have lungs that breathe, a heart that beats, eyes that see and the capacity to love and change lives whenever possible. Of course there will always be hardships and things to overcome but we need to remember all the simple things that we forget to be thankful for. I am grateful for so many things and now, every morning when I wake up I say out loudly that, "I am grateful for today and cannot wait for it to begin". Even if turns south as the other past few days. I am still filled with gratitude. The swelling is getting bigger and it is very sore but I am still grateful for many things. By the way, when was the last time you looked in the mirror and really seen who you are? What do you see? Did you come up with words like, beautiful, confident, decadent, influential, inspiring and gorgeous? If you didn't please do it again because giving gratitude is the most powerful way to increase your well-being. I do understand though that there are times when our lights just go off, but often get rekindled by other people. So, we all have cause to be grateful to those who have lighted the flame within us. For me, the list is so long. I am grateful to y'all and I appreciate you!

Before my diagnosis, I would have said that I was a woman of faith. What is faith? It is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. Easier said than done. However, I had no idea how that faith would hold up under such challenging circumstances. I am humbled to say that I have been given strength beyond my greatest hopes. I remain realistically optimistic even though there are those moments of sadness which overwhelm me. But, I refuse to let cancer rule my life. I have chosen to live each day with hope and great joy. This above all else is my source of strength. When I think about life, its funny how I never paid much attention to the words, 'live each day as if it were last" until my cancer diagnosis. Every morning I look in the mirror and say to myself, "Today, I want to fill my life with memorable experiences". By the way, having cancer did not change my personality - I still get annoyed and irritated at little things in life, loud and chatty people annoy me at times and especially people who like to be all in my face all the time and suffocating me unnecessarily.

Hodgkins has enabled me to have those moments when I can stop in my tracks to appreciate all the beauty that surrounds me; the blooming flowers adorning many frontyards and backyards, the beautiful blue sky and birds chirping away in the bright blue sky. Cancer gave me moments of simple appreciation for just being alive. I guess cancer somehow gave me eyes to see the beauty in life that I never took the time to see before. I have learned that each day is precious and that not one person is promised tomorrow. Indeed, this is a hard way to learn what is important in life. For me, it is family and friends. So, people, take care of yourselves because you have the option and ability to do so. Be the best possible you. Be thankful for being alive and having a chance to do anything you please and with that don't let yourself down. Become something huge, just because you can. Do something remarkable, just because you can. Don't sit around waiting for life to happen to you, create it.

LIVE, LOVE AND LAUGH! Because no one knows what the future will hold. So, live each day as if it were last....

Feeling the Blues

Today I am all weepy and feeling crappy and sad. Last night was not so good. I spent the night throwing up and nothing much was coming out except bitter nasty bile since I have not been able to keep anything down. I was able to catch some sleep in the wee morning hours but woke up with terrible sores in my mouth and my tongue which hurt so bad. Its like there is fire in my mouth. I also have these severe stomach cramps that I just cannot deal with. (all expected chemo side effects). As I lay in my bed sick and worn out, I just felt so sad and lonely, I felt myself standing alone in solitude in this crowded world. I felt alienated from the world outside. My heart hurts and I feel confused as I feel lost in the cocoon of my own solitude. Sometimes in our lives you feel pain when a loved one chooses not to support you at your greatest time of need. All of sudden your world feels like its been torn apart and your world has changed. You ask yourself, How do I cope? How do I get past it? For sure these are really difficult questions for me which I don't have answers to yet.

I am sad because one person I care so much about and thought would have my back through thick and thin is not there for me anymore. She has made a decision that she does not want to be part of my journey anymore. One may say why at this time? But, I will not question the reasons or motives behind this untimely decision because don't they say you know who your true friends are when you are in the dumps? I know in my heart that there are things we all don't want to happen or people we think we cannot live without but I am realizing that we have to learn at some point to just let go. So, I cried today...... not because I miss her..... or even wanted her to be here telling me she is here and that I am going to be okay... I cried because I realized I am going to be alone but will be alright without her. So, I took my ass out of bed despite feeling crappy went shopping for some food since there was nothing to eat that I fancy in the house. As I pushed the cart, feeling all nervous about catching a bug, I could not believe that I am no longer the strong person that I was. I just felt so weak and all the energy seeping out my body and found myself asking for a place to sit because I almost passed out. After resting for a while I picked up some frozen fruits, gatorade and jello hoping that this will go down and not come out. I need to eat something. As I slowly pulled myself together and got to my car I was glad that I was able to make it after-all and drive myself home safely. Such is the irony of life, it takes sadness to know what happiness is.