You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

The saddest day of my life.....


Today is the saddest day of my life. My very young and vibrant niece Tendai Michelle Majuru suddenly passed away in Boston, Massachusetts. That smile.....priceless.... that is Tendai, always smiling and shining a bright light on everyone.





If you go back in my blogs, I have written about how loving and thoughtful she was.  She would come to visit me from Boston when I was having chemotherapy. She would take time off from work just to be there for me. She would make me laugh and remind me of good old times when she was a little girl growing up. The pain of losing her is so unbearable! The most difficult part is that my sister Charity Majuru lives in England. Just thinking about that distance and imagining how my sister is doing is a major heartbreak. I am praying for strength for Charity and Dananai. God takes the best! Oh God! Why? This is the time I have to ask Why? Why? at such a tender age?  I thought I could say more but I am just at a loss for words. I love you my dearest niece and may your soul rest in peace!

Monday, June 24, 2013

Aaargh... Nervous, surgery coming up......

Now that we are all up to date with whats been going on and most importantly, I have regained my composure.  Allow me to share some more news with ya'll. Remember the problematic inflammation on my jawline cum saliva gland? Well, after treatment for the past two months with antibiotics and painkillers followed by more tests, I was sent back to my oncology surgeon who informed me that I have a cystic mass which will be removed through a surgical procedure. A sample of the affected tissue will be sent to the lab to determine whether it is benign or malignant. I am scheduled for surgery at the end of this week and will keep y'all posted.

We just reminisced about the previous horrible surgical biopsy with Tinashe and we both could not help but feel this inexplicable fear and dread about what is to come. After the cancer journey, there are just certain moments you don't want to re-live. You just want to keep those memories tucked away neatly in a "do not open" filing cabinet. But, who can resist the temptation of opening. I am having flashbacks of that horrible second biopsy before treatment. I can't believe its not getting any easier despite time that has elapsed. Am I feeling scared? Yes! Am I feeling anxious? Absolutely yes!!! One would imagine the time that has elapsed, I should have it together. To add to this are people with good intention of course, who after I express my fears and concerns, keep telling me, "you are going to be fine". Really? I always wonder have you walked my shoes to dismiss my fears and concerns. Please let me express my strong feelings or rant and rave because that is my way of coping.

Did you know that no doctor can guarantee cancer will stay gone forever? I cannot say this enough, every visit to the cancer clinic affects me tremendously because I feel like I am stepping back in time into the time machine.  At times, I feel like a sitting duck just waiting. I can't help wondering will it come back? If it does how would I know? Fear is always lingering about recurrence. But, in the midst all that, my new chapter includes both hope, happiness and fear. I am focussing on things that I can control and allowing researchers to come up with a cure that keeps cancer from coming back after treatment.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Bending at times but not broken.......


Hello hello to y'all! I know its been quite a while since I posted. Forgive me for leaving you on a cliff hanger after all the twists and turns of my life. I was just feeling tired and uninspired. I guess thats a good thing. It means no news to report.  As time goes by, I sure have learnt that life is good when you allow it to flow naturally (easier said than done).  What I mean is being in the moment is not just being grateful for everything. That is kinda like going through life on auto pilot. Be open to whatever is that moment. Cry when you need to - whine when you need to (I do it unashamedly all the time), laugh at yourself afterwards and live abundantly.

I cannot say this enough. Cancer does not end the day of treatment. Its like you are forever sitting there behind the cancer veil waiting in uncertainty while everyone else  is on the other side. The emotional shocks are never ending there are always mountains to climb and potholes to fall in. While you always feel elated and grateful for being given a second chance, the struggle with fear and unavoidable uncertainty is not told often enough. The intensity of feelings of vulnerability and sadness are just unimaginable. Every bump along the way makes you feel like you are  getting sucked into the river of life without a paddle.  You feel like you are in a raging tempest, being tossed out in the raging waters. And as you get along you quickly learn to swim and go with the flow. After the tumbles and turns, I did smile knowing that whatever I am going through, I can handle it. I may not be able to handle it well with finesse or grace but, I will handle it. I am now frantically re-writing my emotional script and erasing old messages because life is rarely constant. Its been said that the only constant in life is change.

Enough of my ramblings.  I wanted to share with y’all that I have been doing well after the seemingly insurmountable obstacles of the past few months. I saw my oncologist last week and everything looks good. Beside needing to lose a few pounds, I am pleased to report that I have been healthy. I cannot wait to reach my two year mark and start calling myself a "cancer survivor". As I stand on the thresh-hold of some kind of victory, I feel excited and rejuvenated about what the future holds for me.

xoxo