You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Aaargh... Nervous, surgery coming up......

Now that we are all up to date with whats been going on and most importantly, I have regained my composure.  Allow me to share some more news with ya'll. Remember the problematic inflammation on my jawline cum saliva gland? Well, after treatment for the past two months with antibiotics and painkillers followed by more tests, I was sent back to my oncology surgeon who informed me that I have a cystic mass which will be removed through a surgical procedure. A sample of the affected tissue will be sent to the lab to determine whether it is benign or malignant. I am scheduled for surgery at the end of this week and will keep y'all posted.

We just reminisced about the previous horrible surgical biopsy with Tinashe and we both could not help but feel this inexplicable fear and dread about what is to come. After the cancer journey, there are just certain moments you don't want to re-live. You just want to keep those memories tucked away neatly in a "do not open" filing cabinet. But, who can resist the temptation of opening. I am having flashbacks of that horrible second biopsy before treatment. I can't believe its not getting any easier despite time that has elapsed. Am I feeling scared? Yes! Am I feeling anxious? Absolutely yes!!! One would imagine the time that has elapsed, I should have it together. To add to this are people with good intention of course, who after I express my fears and concerns, keep telling me, "you are going to be fine". Really? I always wonder have you walked my shoes to dismiss my fears and concerns. Please let me express my strong feelings or rant and rave because that is my way of coping.

Did you know that no doctor can guarantee cancer will stay gone forever? I cannot say this enough, every visit to the cancer clinic affects me tremendously because I feel like I am stepping back in time into the time machine.  At times, I feel like a sitting duck just waiting. I can't help wondering will it come back? If it does how would I know? Fear is always lingering about recurrence. But, in the midst all that, my new chapter includes both hope, happiness and fear. I am focussing on things that I can control and allowing researchers to come up with a cure that keeps cancer from coming back after treatment.

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