Getting Ready for Radiation Therapy - The Radiation Mask

First and foremost, I must say mother nature is right on cue, it has started snowing outside... I can see flurries through my window which probably means we will have a white Christmas. I don't know whether I should be excited or dread the awful winters to come that make Canada what it is. Anyway, I had an appointment with my Radiation Oncologist today. We went over again the side effects and what to expect once treatment starts. By now you all know each treatment has its advantages as well as pitfalls. After our conversation he sent me to the radiation department where I met with the radiation therapists to begin moulding the mask you see on the left. That is the tailor made radiation simulation mask that will be used for my radiation treatment. No, its not a painful process. Before you know it its over. You just lie down under the donut machine while they do their thing.

So the process is called radiation simulation. It involves making a mask that will fit over my face and neck and will be bolted to the table during each radiation treatment. The purpose of the mask is ensure my head stays in position during treatment while at the same time protecting my other body parts from irradiation since radiation is targeted therapy. Meaning the radiation is focused on the spot where the tumours where identified. Radiation is supposed to kill or slow the growth of cancer cells.Everything including my treatment schedule will be finalized in liaison with my Oncologist and hopefully I should be looking at starting treatment in about 10 days. Stay tuned......

Gallium Injection

I am looking outside through the window and its raining so bad. Just wishing I could stay in my bed and sleep some more. But, not a chance. I have another medical appointment at the Nuclear Medicine department. Oh, how I hate that place. Seriously, who wants to have toxic radioactive substances injected into their system? Today I am still feeling queasy and my chest, stomach and rib cage hurts from all the throwing up yesterday. Anyway, no time for whining because I had another appointment to have the gallium injection in preparation for the gallium scan on Friday again to check on the cancer suckers after chemo. This was very quick, IV in the arm and then they injected the poisonous radioactive stuff supposed to work on the cells for the next three days before the scan on Friday. Stay tuned....

CT PET Scan after Chemo

After all the waiting, today was my appointment to do the CT Scan to check whether chemo had shrunk the cancer tumors.  As usual, this involves needle poking and lying down in that donought looking machine.  This time it was not so bad because I am now used to the process. The IV was placed in my arm and the concoction is supposed to go in any area of my body with abnormal cellular activity. When we got home, I was not feeling too great. Just nausea and queasiness.  I took my anti-nausea medicines before going to bed hoping this would do the trick.

My morning began at 3am when I suddenly felt this urgent need to throw up. It was so sudden that I did not have enough time to make it to the bathroom. I am sorry for too much information but I did promise to keep this as honest as possible. Yeah, I projectiled just as I stepped out of my bedroom. It was a hot mess I must say, from the hallway all the way to the bathroom. Tinashe woke up and I could see her standing there stunned and just speechless. When I was done throwing up, we began cleaning like it was daylight. We took out the clorox bleach and the work began. It took us almost a hour before the job was done. We took hot showers after this and went back to bed without saying a single word to each other. The whole episode was just shocking, I guess we both were dumb founded. Thank God my next appointment the following day is at 3pm in the afternoon so at least I can catch up on some sleep.   

Happy Birthday to my oldest Son - Tinotenda

Today is one of those special days where I see the light at the end of the chemo tunnel. It is a day filled with joy and happiness because it is  my son, Tinotenda's 29th birthday. Wow! I don't feel the least old a tardy bit. In fact, I feel wiser and so blessed that I can watch my children grow into beautiful creatures! What a joy to see your children grow up and be everything any mother can ever dream for them to be. This letter is my tribute to my son Tinotenda. Its funny that no matter how old your children will ever be, they just remain your child. I guess that is one special relationship that remains constant in a parent's life and does not change with age or time. The Bible says that children are a gift of God. That is so true and I am ever grateful for my gifts to God who is the giver of all good gifts. As I write this tribute, I just want to sing a special song of praise gushing from my heart. You know the one by Kirk Franklin, that says, Someone asked the question. Why do we sing? When we lift our hands to Jesus what do we really mean? At times we maybe crying and nothing is even wrong. And when the song is over and we have all said Amen. In your heart you just keep on singing. And the song will never end. That's right, I sing, because I am happy with my beautiful gifts from God!

To My Dearest Son Tinotenda,

What do you say to a handsome and fine young man who is now 29?
Happy Birthday to a wonderful son and a great friend!

I hardly know what or how to start a letter of the kind I want this to be. Probably first and foremost I just want you to know how much I love you from the bottom of my heart. Secondly, I want you to know how proud I am of you as a man. You have gone through so much but have fulfilled all the hopes and expectations a mother could have for a son.  We have talked a lot about some of these things during our many enjoyable long conversations together.  You have proven to be the man I am proud to call my son. You are the man, yet so gentle, intelligent and able to understand the weaknesses of others yet strong in your mind and body.  You are so thoughtful, kind and have a generous spirit. I could go on and on trying to tell you how and what I feel you are but I think you know how I feel about you. I am so proud of you! You have grown into a fine young man, worthy of the name chosen for you so long ago. Tinotenda means we are thankful to God Almighty! Yes, we are thankful for many reasons. You are smart, witty, dedicated, kind and sensitive.  All the things I have ever wished and hoped you would become. You have handled difficult transitions and travails with so much grace. You have endured like a true champion and for that I am extremely proud of you. You are a wonderful role model for your little brother and your sister, who both look up to you for guidance, strength and most importantly love.

As for the future, I do not know of anything that I could say to you more than I have previously tried to pass on to you particularly the ideals one should strive for in life. I admit, I have not been perfect and have made many mistakes along the way. Unfortunately, I have learnt the hard way that parenting is much more complex than just loving you fiercely. With that said, I hope we have both learnt that sometimes things in life do not always go the way we want them to. There are times we are confronted with decisions that affect others and us in ways we cannot see right away. Often we only see the results of our decisions very later on. These decisions include both positive and negative outcomes, right or wrong, good and bad, the choices that we make as individuals are our own and we have to live with them. I know that throughout my life I have made irrevocable decisions that have affected you in many ways, some good and some not so good. I made some of the decisions consciously knowing what would happen and some I did not know what the outcome would be. I had to live with the good ones as well as the bad ones knowing I could never recall or amend. But, I am so glad that I am able to tell you today, on your birthday that I am so sorry for the times I have let you down.

Son, I am not looking for forgiveness, sympathy or any foolish emotion. Not from you or anyone else. I really don't give a damn how or what people think. I am asking nothing of you. I am just trying to let you know what happened to our lives. The reason our lives were irrevocably transformed and we ended up on separate pathways.  It was not at all what I wanted out of both our lives. But, in the end it was what you were dealt and for that I am so sorry and will always carry that burden. I have missed you so much that I am unable to put it into words.

Son, on a serious note, my advice to you is be your own man and learn from my own mistakes. Respect all things and know that pride is a useless and selfish emotion. Treat others as you want them to treat you and above all, never ever give up your dignity. Let no man take that away from you because it is irretrievable. You can loose everything in life such as money, clothes etc. because all that can be regained in due course. In this life, you will be faced with many choices in the years to come. I know in my heart that you will make choices that are healthy - choices that will help you to become the best man that you can be. I look forward to helping you make those choices and guiding you towards manhood in the best way I know how.

I could not ask or be more proud of the son you are today and the man you have become. I love you very much son always and eternally. My wish for your birthday is that all your dreams come true! On this fabulous day, I pray that God blesses you with all the joy and happiness in the world that you desire. Even more important, may you continue to sail through all the obstacles and challenges that may come in your way to grand success.

Happy Birthday my dearest son!

I love you always,

Mom

After Chemo....

I am sure everyone has been wondering where I have been? Yeah, chemo knocks the hell out of you and takes you out of the picture! I was down and under - really out! If that makes any sense at all. It feels like the more chemo you get the more you feel really sick. I had the usual, mouth sores, constant nausea and vomiting, blah blah blah you must all be tired of hearing that by now. What's new you must be saying? Of late, I have new side effects which really freaked me out. My hands have turned black. I have developed skin black discolouration which the doctor stated is a chemotherapy side effect. I have these black patches in both my hands and feet including some other parts of my body. Kinda like I have been working with black ink or tar.  My hands look like I dipped them into black ink and it can't come off. No, its not painful, its just looks ugly and so black. It keeps freaking me out every time I look at my hands. After all the jabbing and having my chemo administered through my veins, I am now reaping the rewards. My arm veins are very sore and I am unable to lift anything including carry my own purse. I know this will get better after a while. Even though, I had my last chemo a week now, I still feel constant fatigue and very low energy even after spending most of my time sleeping.

I just want to take a moment to thank all of you who have sent me messages privately. I appreciate y'all so much. The honest truth is I have not yet even had an opportunity to be excited that I finished chemo because of the horrible way I am feeling. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that I have finished my chemo treatments but the truth is, my future is unknown. I really do not feel quite ready to celebrate as yet. I still have to start and finish my radiation treatments a journey I have been warned can be horrible on its own. So, the fear of this part of unknown leaves me exactly where I started from a few months ago - A Hot Mess! I can't seem to shake off these feelings of anxiety and sadness. So, for now, I just need to hear that my scans scheduled for next week are clear of the bad cells. Also, I just want to do this radiation treatment before I can utter the proverbial word "celebration". The cancer treatment journey feels so protracted with my radiation treatments going through up to January 2012 next year. So, all I am thinking about right now is, how sad, what a sad Christmas and what a sad New Year!

I know, I have said this countless times but let me just say it again. I absolutely, categorically hate chemo! It is so horrible and makes me feel really awful. and brings the worst in me  I know, I know, without chemo cancer prognosis is not good. But, the thing about chemotherapy is just how harsh it is on the body and just how it makes you feel so awful. Sometimes, I just feel like this body doe not belong to me any more. I feel like aliens invaded my body and somehow took control. There are no words that can best describe the extremity chemo makes me feel. Its just beyond words. Its not just one thing, the list is just so long that sometimes when people ask how I am doing, I just say I am fine because its just difficult to explain how I am feeling. The truth is I am mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. Now, I am just going through the motions to get better without really thinking too much about it. Its funny how Hodgkin's is regarded as the good cancer. To me, cancer is cancer and scares me to death and chemotherapy has destroyed everything that used to be me. Need I say more.... Anyway, I am anxious about so many things cancer. For example, I am scared about the future scans and other adverse reactions from chemo and radiation. I guess I need to stop over analyzing and just take one day at a time which of course is a daunting task. Anyway, I will be back in full force soon and will update ya'll about a lot of stuff. Stay tuned and be kind to one another.....

Fourth and Final Chemotherapy Update..

Yeah! Congratulations are in order! What a great day to be done with chemo! I am over that chemo mountain! Today was my last chemotherapy. It was so bad with the burning, nausea and dizziness. But, Tinashe was so excited and kept taking pictures because this has been quite a journey not just for me but for her as well because she has been by my side all the time.  Thanks Tina for everything especially for being the rock I can lean on! I am eternally grateful! You are amazing! I have not seen the pictures yet but I am sure I looked like a hot mess. She also did a video which I am sure is very funny. I remember that I could not even fake a smile when she asked me how I was feeling that it was my last chemo. This last session was too painful to even put into words. For some strange reason this last one lasted longer than usual. I don't know if its because all the veins are busted and white cells gone or what. But, this chemo hit me so hard I have not really wrapped around my head that I will not be going back for more just yet. Even though, I am feeling so sick and weak, I did ring the bell that celebrates the end of chemo and everyone including the oncology nurses claps hands and celebrates your end of the chemo journey. I still have a few days to rest before I begin the next phase of radiation which will be 15 rounds. Aaargghhh!! I don't want to think about that number yet. For real, I don't want to think about that right now. I just need to rest. I am feeling so weak and feeling queasy so I will post some more when I have rested and gained a bit of strength and emerged from this daze I am in. Stay tuned....

Its the Final Countdown......

Today I had an appointment with my Oncologist and did blood work to clear me for my next chemotherapy scheduled for Wednesday. I am happy to report that everything is going well, and I am all clear of the nooks and crooks that can cause chemo to be postponed. I am doing well and ready for Wednesday. Did I just say ready? Well, you know I don't mean that for real! Who can ever look forward to torture? Honestly, nothing to look forward to. As usual my nerves are doing their thing and yeah, my stomach is doing those somersaults caused by jitters. But guess what, deep down I am feeling a tinge of excitement because the upcoming chemo is my last one. That is so good for my ears. After this chemo session, I will do more tests to measure how much the tumors have shrunk so far before I begin radiation.  So, stay tuned......

Feeling Better

I apologize for the long hiatus. After the pneumonia, I was sleeping a lot and could not just get out of bed or even function like a normal being. Who knew that pneumonia associated with chemotherapy can cause extreme fatigue. More than often, I just find myself saying "gosh, I am extremely tired and sleepy". I was feeling so tired that I could not even hold a serious conversation let alone go on the computer without passing out into a deep sleep. I sure realize that it could be worse, so I am grateful that so far the side effects have been manageable. Anyway, I am feeling much better now and looking forward to an appointment with my Oncologist next week. However, I must admit that the past week has been extremely difficult but I pulled through. Don't give up on me just stay tuned......

I Have Pneumonia

I cannot believe I have been away for this long. On Friday I started feeling really unwell. What this means is that every part of my body was hurting. I just knew that something was going down. I decided to sleep it off hoping by the time I woke up I would be feeling at least better. On Saturday, I woke up feeling much better and even went shopping for fruits and vegetables with Tapfuma. As soon as I got home, I started feeling so ill I did not even want to speak - I just needed some peace and quiet. I rested and again felt better by Sunday morning. However, this was not to last for long because despite ignoring the sharp nagging aches and pains by evening I was shaking with chills and yet the house was pretty warm. At first I did not associate the chills with the possibility that I could be having a fever. But, I decided to take my temperature anyway because I was really feeling sick and my chest was hurting so bad. My temperature kept fluctuating between 38° and 38.2°Celsius. I immediately decided to seek medical attention. I had been warned by my Oncologist that if I felt a rise in my temperature I had to go immediately to the hospital emergency room.

I hate going to the emergency but in this instance, I am glad I did because once the triage nurse took my temperature and vitals. She immediately told me it was good that I came in given I am undergoing chemotherapy. She immediately did blood work to check my white blood count (Nutropenia) as that is procedure for someone undergoing chemotherapy. Nutropenia is most often caused by cancer therapies including radiation. Just for information, Neutrophil is one type of White Blood Count which make up the majority of White Blood Cell. For a better definition, they are one part of our body's immune system working to protect us against infection. They are the first responders and quickly appear at the site of infection. Given that neutropenia is caused by cancer treatment, there is really not much one can do to prevent it from occuring. I was bumped and seen by the doctor before other people who had been there before me. Yeah they were upset but hey, I am glad I was given priority treatment. The doctor saw me immediately and I was given a painkiller. He ordered a chest Xray which revealed that I had developed pneumonia which is an inflammation of my lungs following chemotherapy. Ouch! Thank God it was not so bad to warrant admission.

One friend of mine said something very ignorant to me yesterday and I really felt offended. My friend said to me, pneumonia is contagious. Really? Why are people so ignorant? Pneumonia is not contagious. What is pneumonia anyway? It is an infection or inflammation of the lungs. Often, pneumonia begins after some kind of respiratory tract infection such as flu or cold. Often when a person has pneumonia they may have some other illness such as flu or throat infection which may be contagious. So the risk is one catching this other illness and not pneumonia. If you have poor health or your immune system is weak, then there is a risk that one may develop pneumonia later on. If that happens it is because you have a weak immune system which made you develop pneumonia on your own not because you caught pneumonia from someone.

Anyway, I was immediately given antibiotics and a prescription to take home the following morning. We spent the night in emergency. Sucks but, it was necessary. So, my friends I am once again in the confines of my bed re-coupering from this annoying speed bump. On that note, be kind to one another.......

Third Chemotherapy Update

Today, I had my third chemo and I have nothing pleasant to report. I started feeling nauseated just when I started treatment. Aaarrgghh..I felt so weak and just sick today. And then to make the whole process even more annoying my oncology nurse was male and he had this really weird attitude which really aggravated me. Yeah, I was really ticked off! I may be sick but being patronized is one of my biggest pet peeves. One of the manifestations of such patronizing attitude is when people call me names such as, "honey, darling, sweetie or dear". These manifestations come off as an insecure way of subtly putting me beneath you.

So, my Oncology male nurse kept calling me 'sweetie'. You should have seen me, I was simmering under my breath and just kept my cool through mentally counting backwards from 10 to 1. I swear I wanted to deck him between the balls. How rude! Sweetie is not a term of endearment. As far as I am concerned it is condescending and demeaning. Not only is it condescending and sexist but it just means you don't take me seriously as a mature adult. I hate being called sweetie or any other name that is primarily used when speaking to children. I wondered what a nerve! If he was not in a position of power today where he had a needle in hand and administering these toxic drugs through my vein, seriously we would have had a show down. Personally, I feel like its completely inappropriate for anyone to use the term sweetie especially to a stranger let alone a patient. And then, he started talking non stop about his person life. I just wanted to yell, "Shut the f**k up!" I was not feeling well neither was I in the mood for small chit chat about nothing. There, that is my rant and rave for today.

I must say, each chemo is harder than the previous. The only way I can describe this experience is, "Nightmare!" This experience is just life changing and intrudes on every single thing. Each day is a struggle to live through the side effects which seem to get worse with each chemotherapy session. Ya'll chemo sucks! After the chemo ordeal, I am feeling really sick and just need my bed. Allow me some shut eye and will write more soon. Thank you for your patience....