Life is a Gift, Don't Take it for Granted....

I may have a marble sized lump no now it looks like a golfball size on my jaw and half my face is now hanging from swelling and am really really feeling sore, but that ain't gonna stop me from living my life. I understand though that life can be hard hence it isn't really tied up with a fancy or pretty ribbon, but it is still a gift. There is always, always something to be grateful for. So, today, I am grateful for what I have and what I am. I am thankful for even the birds chirping outside my bedroom window. I feel like they are singing for me singing just for me. Saying, "Good morning Dorothee, today is another day, you made it! Just make it joyful!"

Life is beautiful and I am grateful and thankful. I am grateful to my children, family and friends - they make me happy and are the charming gardeners who make my soul blossom! Catherine Kahari, you bring tears to my eyes. Thank you for putting me on speed dial and checking on me relentlessly. Victor Kahari, I love you and I appreciate your love. I am just grateful to so many of y'all the list is so long and I am eternally grateful! I am grateful to strangers who have shown me little acts of kindness. I am grateful for each new challenge because it builds my strength and character. How can I not say life is beautiful with all the love and blessings surrounding me?

In my little world, I continue to strive to live every minute with love, grace and gratitude.Waking up every morning is a special gift that we should all cherish. Imagine that we have lungs that breathe, a heart that beats, eyes that see and the capacity to love and change lives whenever possible. Of course there will always be hardships and things to overcome but we need to remember all the simple things that we forget to be thankful for. I am grateful for so many things and now, every morning when I wake up I say out loudly that, "I am grateful for today and cannot wait for it to begin". Even if turns south as the other past few days. I am still filled with gratitude. The swelling is getting bigger and it is very sore but I am still grateful for many things. By the way, when was the last time you looked in the mirror and really seen who you are? What do you see? Did you come up with words like, beautiful, confident, decadent, influential, inspiring and gorgeous? If you didn't please do it again because giving gratitude is the most powerful way to increase your well-being. I do understand though that there are times when our lights just go off, but often get rekindled by other people. So, we all have cause to be grateful to those who have lighted the flame within us. For me, the list is so long. I am grateful to y'all and I appreciate you!

Before my diagnosis, I would have said that I was a woman of faith. What is faith? It is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. Easier said than done. However, I had no idea how that faith would hold up under such challenging circumstances. I am humbled to say that I have been given strength beyond my greatest hopes. I remain realistically optimistic even though there are those moments of sadness which overwhelm me. But, I refuse to let cancer rule my life. I have chosen to live each day with hope and great joy. This above all else is my source of strength. When I think about life, its funny how I never paid much attention to the words, 'live each day as if it were last" until my cancer diagnosis. Every morning I look in the mirror and say to myself, "Today, I want to fill my life with memorable experiences". By the way, having cancer did not change my personality - I still get annoyed and irritated at little things in life, loud and chatty people annoy me at times and especially people who like to be all in my face all the time and suffocating me unnecessarily.

Hodgkins has enabled me to have those moments when I can stop in my tracks to appreciate all the beauty that surrounds me; the blooming flowers adorning many frontyards and backyards, the beautiful blue sky and birds chirping away in the bright blue sky. Cancer gave me moments of simple appreciation for just being alive. I guess cancer somehow gave me eyes to see the beauty in life that I never took the time to see before. I have learned that each day is precious and that not one person is promised tomorrow. Indeed, this is a hard way to learn what is important in life. For me, it is family and friends. So, people, take care of yourselves because you have the option and ability to do so. Be the best possible you. Be thankful for being alive and having a chance to do anything you please and with that don't let yourself down. Become something huge, just because you can. Do something remarkable, just because you can. Don't sit around waiting for life to happen to you, create it.

LIVE, LOVE AND LAUGH! Because no one knows what the future will hold. So, live each day as if it were last....

Oh NO, Back to Square One? Hitting the Refresh Button on Life...

Am I back to square one, where it all started? "It"? what is "It"? I can't believe I am using euphemisms. What I mean is where this whole cancer journey started. Gees, this life is sure like a snakes and ladders board game. Really, am I back to square one??? Lately, I have been posing that question to myself a lot as I feel like I hit the refresh button on life. My emotions are all over the place.

After seeing my radiation oncologist on Wednesday (yesterday) and being told that he was referring me back to the oncologist surgeon (located at a different hospital) who performed the original biopsy for yet another surgical procedure and further testing. Wow! so many questions going through my mind and a million thoughts of what this could mean. Just trying to wrap my mind around everything that is going on. What does this really mean? Well, I may not have answers right now but I am not obsessing about it. I am taking it as one of life curve balls thrown at me. I am trying to stay strong. Kinda like fake it until I make it. I am just taking deep breaths and rejoicing in the things that are present. I am here now and thats all that matters...

The truth is, after my oncologist said, "I have to refer you back to the oncology surgeon".  I had a deja vu episode.... overwhelming weird and frightening deja vu feelings - the kind of feeling that I know that I have already lived and experienced this not so pretty encounter. If you read my earlier blog postings last year you will understand why I am feeling the way I am feeling right now. The truth is, I had refreshed my browser of life and had started to look forward to moving on to new stories. You can't blame a girl for wanting to move on. The cancer journey may be the hardest journey anyone can ever be on, but the greatest thing for me is that I have my family and friends who provide such big comfort and joy.

Anyway, the good news is unlike the last time where I had to wait for 2 months to have the biopsy done, and only got an earlier appointment after I raised a stinker. This time its different. Phew! that experience was very stressful. This time, I am incredibly impressed. I saw my radiation oncologist on Wednesday and today, Thursday (the following day) I got a call from my dear friend surgeon oncologist that he will see me next week on Tuesday. That is a total record short wait of only 4 days. These are moments I am counting my blessings one by one and naming them one by one. Anyway, since this is at a different hospital, I am now looking for my hospital card because I thought I was done with that part of the journey. No big deal though cause I can get a new card if I don't find it. What is funny about all this is how I had closed that chapter of my life preemptively. Remember how I have loved speaking about all these things in the past tense????? Aahh... such is life that we sometimes have a tendency to look on the more favourable side of events rather than the latter. Its called optimism - a tendency to make lemons out of lemonade and to see the glass as half full when its half empty.

Generally speaking, I am an optimist by nature. Have always been. But, since this journey I have learned something new about this whole idea of optimism. I have wondered why do we have to think positive all the time? On reflection, I realize its okay that I don't have to be positive all the time. Hence, I allow myself those moments when I will rant and whine because I know that is okay too as long as I come back to sanity. I can try to come to terms with my fears and for sure I have lots of them, but at the same time I can also prepare for the worst. Just like the old saying, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Thats exactly how I am dealing with my life which often feels so fragile. So, bear with me as I bear with myself.

Regardless of everything that is going on, I am determined to continue with those activities that lead to true health and well being, such as prayer, exercise, good dietary habits, un-clattering my mind, pampering myself, laughing more from the belly, getting enough sleep that actually gives rest and most important keeping up my personal appearances. All these things help make a challenging situation a tard more bearable. It also is a wonderful opportunity to become more introspective and make strides in personal growth.

Until then, stay tuned as I have just hit the refresh button on the web browser of life and starting all over again......

Im-port-ant News...

Boy oh boy. After a good spell of wellness, I thought I was closing down this chapter of my life for now, but not so fast. How I hate posting about feeling unwell when things were beginning to look up. Was not able to go to work yesterday and today.  I am feeling sad because after having enjoyed a spell of wellness and just being back on my feet and what I supposedly love to call my new normal, I am having a small speed bump as I like to call it. The swelling seems to keep growing and I have stopped looking at myself in the mirror for fear of panicking myself or triggering an anxiety attack. The pain is excruciating which is frustrating because I hate taking these very strong painkillers which knock me out of commission. I am seeing my oncologist today and I hope he can give me a proper calming overview of what exactly is going on. By the way, yesterday I did feel so great because all my doctors were all concerned about me and calling me to make sure everything was fine and letting me know what the next steps are. That felt really good, just knowing that my healthcare team is on point. Sometimes you don't need just medication to make you feel better. You just need other people to show that they care and make you feel really good inside and thats exactly how I feel right now. I love you my healthcare team! Its called food for the soul. I am encouraged as I proceed.... Gotta go now don't wanna be late for my appointment with the oncologist.

Until then, I guess you have to stay tuned and lets all hope for the best.......

After the Scare, How am I?

How am I? I always ask myself? Sometimes, I feel confident but sometimes I do feel scared. It can feel good to be done with treatment but at the same time it can be stressful. Everyday, I worry about the cancer coming back. I guess it will take a while for me to feel confident and have these constant fears somewhat relieved. I still feel constantly tired and achy but I should admit that I am on the improve. I still don't produce saliva in my mouth - a hallmark of radiation induced salivary gland dysfunction (a condition called Xerostomia or cotton mouth) and struggle with a very dry mouth and food tastes like sand and have difficulty swallowing, but I don't have cancer for now, so who cares about those things??? I take it as slow process of healing and appreciate the other good things in my life. Just looking at life as a big canvas

and summing it up in three words, "It Goes On"....

Granted, I had been taking the antibiotic prescribed by my radiation oncologist, I had hoped to feel better. Are you thinking what I think you are thinking? I did too, I thought shit! the tumours have come back. I was petrified! Remember the uncertainty I have talked about before? It can be nerve racking. As I checked myself in the mirror and I saw this incredibly big swelling on my left jaw I thought, "Did the combination chemo and radiation work? Why do some lymph nodes still feel so enlarged and painful too? Is this Hodgkin's still there? Has it come back again? A hundred questions filled my mind but one thing I know for sure is that I didn't panic. I guess its because since after treatment, I have found it really hard to get back to normal. I just feel so drained and fragile. Sometimes, I wake up feeling like I cannot cope with any more of life's challenges. But, I am glad that I have kept pushing myself to get back to normal understanding that what I went through was indeed life-changing. I may be scared but what I know for sure is no matter whats going on, I am concentrating on enjoying the present and being well again for the time being.

After my last post, the marble size lump grew bigger to kinda like golf ball size and it was throbbing and I could not stand anyone touching me on that spot. I could not turn my neck and my ear felt like it was going to blow up. Aarrrggh! That scared me out of my boots! We went to the emergency yesterday and after several tests the lump turned out to be an abscess and I hope its just that. The ER doctor performed what is called a needle aspiration and sent me home with a strong antibiotic and strong painkiller. A culture of the drainage was sent to the lab for further investigation. To aspirate is to withdraw fluid with a syringe after inserting the needle and pulling back on the plunger of the syringe. The freezing injection on my cheek was painful and yes, I screamed. But, I did not feel anything during the aspiration process. This young doctor was amazing! You may be wondering. Tinashe was there as usual holding my hand. This girl has become so strong she didn't even look away during the mini procedure. Now, you can agree why I keep saying she is my ROCK! She is always there for me, unshakeable, always calm, always dependable, always full of positive attitude, always supportive and always strong.

Tinashe, you are my rock and I count you as my privilege. Thank you for standing by me through thick and thin. I am grateful knowing that I can count on your strength. I am grateful that I can ask for your support and know you will go to any length. Your comfort soothes and brings me back to what is priority in life.

And, thank y'all for the beautiful messages and your continued support!! I appreciate y'all and could never do this without you! The biggest thing for me in all this is knowing the people that are special to me and how wide that network is. I would not be here writing this without all your support. Thank you and I love y'all......


Until next time y'all, be kind and be good to yourself......

I Look Okay But, I am Not Okay....

Let me start with sharing good stuff! the I look okay factor! My hair has started growing now after all the boohoo chemo nightmare and tears! Who can forget the tears of losing my sister locs/dread locs and the brief wig drama! The funny part, is my hair came back different! I am so happy its back and I don't have to wear hats, scarfs or a wig, that I don't care much about. I have also always wanted curls and now I have them. I have heard many different things that hair comes back one way then after a few months goes back to how it was. If curls will stay (Yay!) If curls are temporary (Boo..) the texture has changed baby fine curly and cute. I love my new hair! Tinashe is always enjoying and playing with the little curls. Looks nice, so I am told. LOL!! The oncologist had told me it may come out grey but nope, its black, curly and cute!

After riding the Hodgkins bus, the end of treatment can be challenging as I am finding out. As I reflect on the profound physical and emotional assaults to which I have been subjected to - the feeling is surreal. It does not feel like it happened to me. I have developed a mask that I put on in order to hide some of my real feelings, particularly from unwittingly insensitive or unhelpful remarks. For instance, I have learned to smile when someone says cheerily, "You look really well" when I am actually feeling terrible. Many people think that cancer is like other illnesses where once treatment is complete the disease is cured and you are better. Surprise, surprise, cancer is infinitely more complex than that simplistic analysis. The end of treatment is the beginning of something else. It is a rebuilding process that requires management and direction. Just to put it lightly, I am still reflecting on what I have been through and trying to put everything in its rightful place in my personal life autobiography or history.

Wait a minute.... allow me to say this again. When you finish treatment this cancer roller coaster is never over. Trust me.... Remember I have mentioned how these first few months post-treatment have been a time of change for me. Its not so much getting back to normal but trying to find out what my own normal is and re-defining that can be quite an insurmountable task. Even though my life has new meaning and I do look at things differently, I understand that things can keep changing during this recovery process. I often experience mixed emotions and lately, I discovered that my own expectations and reality often collide. Sometimes I feel disappointed and frustrated when I am unable to meet my own physical or emotional expectations. During that time, I feel isolated as though I do not belong. While I do feel hope, gratitude and relief that I finished treatment and feel much better than before, I have days when I feel apprehensive, cautious and uncertain about the future. I am always wondering whether this cancer is gone or if it will return. Living with uncertainty is the most difficult aspect of living with the aftermath of cancer.

Because I am looking better (whatever that means) I have noted that people around me often do not recognize the struggle I am experiencing, sometimes pain and despair; let alone the adjusting and recovering that I need to heal and regain my energy and my whole being. Some people expect me to return to normal before I am ready but some do understand (what is normal anyway? I keep asking). These days, I like saying that I am selfish. I put myself first! I listen to my body and give priority to taking care of my physical and mental health. I do pay attention to what I am capable of, including avoiding activities that are too much for me. I set my own pace as I rigorously plan for a gradual return to my former self. Thank God I have been blessed with an amazing job where I am treated with utmost compassion and care and I enjoy the flexibility of being able to work from home when I am not feeling well. I do feel incredibly supported and for that I am eternally grateful.

Last week, despite all the gym toning and exercise, I had been feeling really fatigued and lacked the vigor necessary to manage minimal daily tasks. Just that frightening place where the old certainties and norms are gone and I seemingly keep pandering to look at the world afresh. I took two days off to rest and still did not feel better. Instead, I developed a fever which I ignored at first until I noticed a painful swelling on my left jaw- the exact same sport where the tumour suckers were. I have a lump the size of a marble on my lower jaw and aaarrgggh!! it hurts. I immediately called my chemo oncologist and got a voice message that he was away until next week. Then, I called my radiation oncologist who asked me to go in and see him immediately. He was not sure what was going on. He prescribed antibiotics for seven days and ordered blood work to rule out any infection. Why do I keep forgetting that chemo knocked down my immune system? By Friday the swelling appeared bigger and my left ear is very sore. Am I scared? Absolutely! Am I panicking? Absolutely not! I am calling this one a challenge not a crisis. Hopefully, the antibiotic will take care of this bump in the ride and the morphine is handling the pain. There, the emotional and physical part of Hodgkins recovery continues. A luta Continua! (Portuguese phrase meaning "the struggle continues").

Like a good sport, I will therefore continue to share the ups and downs. So, the odd updates like this one will continue.  Here is the thing, while I would love to pop the champagne lets keep it on the ice until this news is confirmed by the blood work results and visible reduced swelling if it is just an infection. Rest assured, it is not all doom and gloom because there are times when I wake up feeling better than I did the day before. In my new normal, I am solely focusing on the principle of one day at a time understanding that the recovery process may be slow and gradual.  So, I will continue holding onto faith, believing that change will come whenever that is. Meantime, I continue to live with intention and purpose, play with abandon, laugh more from the belly, appreciate all my family and friends and most of all live as if this is all there is. All in all, I recognize and am comforted that I am part of something greater than myself.

Until next time, do take time to pamper and be good to yourself.


and Bliss...

In Sheep's Clothing....

How can you think of saying, "Friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in you eye, when you can't see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye, then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your frend's eye (Luke 6:42).

Have you ever come across certain people at the work place who pretend to be all smiles and nice in your face. But, the minute you turn your back the daggers are all out??? Unfortunately, I have got one or more of these I am dealing with currently and I have gone home with severe headaches. So, to relieve my stress, I decided to hit the library and came up with George Simon's book, "In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People". Quite an interesting read I must say and a hit on the bulls eye! Granted, stress is the last thing I need to check off my bucket list of goals of healing. (Studies show stress hormones make it easier for malignant tumours to grow and spread).  Of course, I don't want that to happen! So, I decided to expand my consciousness because the last time I had such experiences of underhanded ways people fight in their daily endeavours was in high school. You know when you had these two mean girls constantly ganging up on you in high school? Thats how it feels - AWFUL!!!! And by the way, I looked up underhanded and here is what I came up with: lack of straightforwardness and honesty in action, craftiness, deviousness, shadiness, shiftiness, slyness, sneakiness. Phew! that sounds absolutely awful and distasteful!

How does this play out? Don't ask for my opinion then get mad when I tell you how I feel and you intentionally throw in those sarcastic jabs in response. Why do you seem to relish in taking verbal jabs at me? Sarcasm is defined as "to tear flesh, gnash the teeth or speak bitterly". Wow! How sad...  Isn't that hypocritical? I think it is because hypocrites are deceitful and phoney. Professing one set of beliefs while living by another. Other scenarios are when the aggressor refuses to admit that they have done something hurtful and play the "Who.... Me.. Thats not what I meant..?" tactic inviting the victim to feel unjustified in confronting the aggressor about the inappropriateness of a behaviour whether its insensitivity, gossiping, backstabbing or the usual shadiness. Mind you, these individuals use backstabbing tactics only fit for losers. These individuals already believe that they are smarter and completely superior to humanity as a whole. They are narcissist, selfish and self centered. They are always telling everyone they are good hearted, they love peace and love everyone to get along. Blah blah blah Bullshit! excuse my French! They carry their angel wings, halo and fluffy white robe like they are the best thing God ever created. If you catch them they always have a story which does not make any sense at all. They run for positive lime light and like roaches scurry for darkness when the results for negative behaviours are being served. Their motivation is to look good at any cost. I think you are getting the drift of what I am saying.... These are toxic people who like to accuse, tantrum, manipulate and smear their way to getting their way or causing a fight. Their out of control emotions and self-centredness make the blame game and the smear campaign two of their favorite tactics for keeping you engaged with them so they can feed off you. These shady characters love to point fingers and never accept responsibility for anything. They make a lot of noise. Like my mother used to say, an empty can makes a lot of noise - it is true because their mouth is always going and going.....they are loud...blabbermouths and you wonder when they are you going to shut up??? Oh! God! Sometimes I just need my quiet moments because they are my healing moments.

Anyway, my philosophy in life is simple;  I believe life is too short to wake up with any regrets. So, I love the people who treat me right and I forget about the ones who don't. I guess I have reached a place in my life where I just need to let go of all the pointless drama and the people that create it and surround myself with people who make me laugh such that I forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy. I have learnt that many people are like garbage trucks. Running around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger and full of disappointment. As the garbage piles up these people look for a place to dump it. And if you let them they will dump it on you. My two cents, when someone wants to dump on you don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well and keep it moving. Believe me, you'll be happier. Do you often engage with people who take pleasure in espousing crazy talk, negativity or languishing in the past? Here is my piece of advice, if you are surrounded by the former, I recommend weeding your personal garden of buzz kills, complainers, controllers and drama queens. Today, as I move forward, I just let go of these toxic people whom I just met yesterday and are trying to bring garbage and toxicity into my life. So, I am dropping the rope immediately and walking away. I just remembered I am surrounded by abundant love - my amazingly huge family and friends! So, letting go feels liberating, exhilerating and empowering. I feel renewed! Until next time, be kind to yourselves....

Reclaiming My Life.....

Hello good people! I cannot believe time has gone by so fast. I have settled well in my new job and continue to negotiate my health and my new normal. Who can forget that tumultuous year that just passed? I could hardly wait to get back to a normal life again. But, what is normal anyway? The more days go by, the more I find myself speaking about this cancer journey in the past tense about what was quite an ordeal. I hate cancer because of what I went through, and I hate cancer because it continues to take many lives. I hate cancer period! But most of all, I hate the positive attitude idea that "Oh you can beat this/Oh you did beat this!" that people tend to throw around without much thought. And recently I have met people who think they know so much about grief and its related losses. Dear God! why do people always think they hold answers to everything? But, then I remembered, "to think you know already is the logic of fools!" It is hard for people to understand that positive thoughts are not enough when you embark on this seemingly unending journey. If you ask me, it is impossible to put any space in between yourself and the disease. Yeah my hair is gradually growing back and my energy will eventually come back but, until the day I die, I will always live with the fear that this cancer will recur. Thats the thing about cancer, things are never ruled out forever. But, for now all is well and thats good enough for me.

Once I was able to start working, I thought I had marked the end of my journey with Hodgkins Lymphoma. But, the truth is I am learning day by day that I just embarked on another leg of the trip. This trip I just embarked on is called adjusting to life as someone in partial remission. In many ways, it definitely is not like the life I had before or envisioned because it is very different. I prefer to call it my new normal for many reasons. I am healing but don't feel 100%. Of course, I would like my daily routine to return to the way it was before my illness but that is a tall order. So, I am learning to set new expectations and priorities for myself while redefining my life. I am learning to be kind to myself and focusing on what I can do - just pacing myself. Most of all, I am learning to embrace the future!

First off, cumulative chronic fatigue is the biggest issue that confronts me. Just extreme tiredness and lack of energy. Usually it comes on suddenly not because I have been working hard but because it is this overwhelming spell that engulfs you leaving you speechless and helpless.. By the way, sleep does not relieve it. You still feel tired despite an excellent night's rest. I can only describe this fatigue as paralyzing and debilitating. My oncologist calls it "cancer fatigue"and could go on for a year or longer. Say what??? Like I need to hear some issues to deal with when you think the journey is coming to an end. Fatigue has become my constant reminder of my cancer. Before this whole journey I never comprehended the difference between fatigue and tiredness. I have used them interchangeably in the past. But, now I do know the difference between the two concepts. Everyone gets tired especially after a hard day's work and we know why we are tired. But, for me, this fatigue is not that precise. I feel a daily lack of energy, an unusual or excessive whole body acute tiredness which cannot be relieved by sleep. So, what that means is, this fatigue does have a profound negative impact on my ability to function normally and my quality of life does not always feel in sync.

In spite of the above, I have instituted helpful changes and new choices in my new normal. Apart from being kind to myself, I found eating healthy and regular exercise life changing. I care about what I eat and strive to buy organic food as much as possible.  Oh, how I wish I was back home where everything is organic! Now, I read the ingredients on food ensuring that I dont pollute my body with unnecessary junk, rampant steroids found in the North American chicken that look abnormally huge for anyone's liking. The list includes fruits that seem to never go bad because they are rubbed with pesticide preservatives. Where do I shop you must be wondering. There are several farmer's markets around the city and it does not hurt to make a trip and just do the right thing. On the other hand, I have found regular moderate exercise to decrease the feeling of fatigue. After exercising I feel this burst of energy which I cannot explain. Exercise helps me feel energetic and stay active. It is my way of getting rid of tension in a most positive way.

So, until then you better stay tuned because I am back with a vengeance!