Reclaiming My Life.....

Hello good people! I cannot believe time has gone by so fast. I have settled well in my new job and continue to negotiate my health and my new normal. Who can forget that tumultuous year that just passed? I could hardly wait to get back to a normal life again. But, what is normal anyway? The more days go by, the more I find myself speaking about this cancer journey in the past tense about what was quite an ordeal. I hate cancer because of what I went through, and I hate cancer because it continues to take many lives. I hate cancer period! But most of all, I hate the positive attitude idea that "Oh you can beat this/Oh you did beat this!" that people tend to throw around without much thought. And recently I have met people who think they know so much about grief and its related losses. Dear God! why do people always think they hold answers to everything? But, then I remembered, "to think you know already is the logic of fools!" It is hard for people to understand that positive thoughts are not enough when you embark on this seemingly unending journey. If you ask me, it is impossible to put any space in between yourself and the disease. Yeah my hair is gradually growing back and my energy will eventually come back but, until the day I die, I will always live with the fear that this cancer will recur. Thats the thing about cancer, things are never ruled out forever. But, for now all is well and thats good enough for me.

Once I was able to start working, I thought I had marked the end of my journey with Hodgkins Lymphoma. But, the truth is I am learning day by day that I just embarked on another leg of the trip. This trip I just embarked on is called adjusting to life as someone in partial remission. In many ways, it definitely is not like the life I had before or envisioned because it is very different. I prefer to call it my new normal for many reasons. I am healing but don't feel 100%. Of course, I would like my daily routine to return to the way it was before my illness but that is a tall order. So, I am learning to set new expectations and priorities for myself while redefining my life. I am learning to be kind to myself and focusing on what I can do - just pacing myself. Most of all, I am learning to embrace the future!

First off, cumulative chronic fatigue is the biggest issue that confronts me. Just extreme tiredness and lack of energy. Usually it comes on suddenly not because I have been working hard but because it is this overwhelming spell that engulfs you leaving you speechless and helpless.. By the way, sleep does not relieve it. You still feel tired despite an excellent night's rest. I can only describe this fatigue as paralyzing and debilitating. My oncologist calls it "cancer fatigue"and could go on for a year or longer. Say what??? Like I need to hear some issues to deal with when you think the journey is coming to an end. Fatigue has become my constant reminder of my cancer. Before this whole journey I never comprehended the difference between fatigue and tiredness. I have used them interchangeably in the past. But, now I do know the difference between the two concepts. Everyone gets tired especially after a hard day's work and we know why we are tired. But, for me, this fatigue is not that precise. I feel a daily lack of energy, an unusual or excessive whole body acute tiredness which cannot be relieved by sleep. So, what that means is, this fatigue does have a profound negative impact on my ability to function normally and my quality of life does not always feel in sync.

In spite of the above, I have instituted helpful changes and new choices in my new normal. Apart from being kind to myself, I found eating healthy and regular exercise life changing. I care about what I eat and strive to buy organic food as much as possible.  Oh, how I wish I was back home where everything is organic! Now, I read the ingredients on food ensuring that I dont pollute my body with unnecessary junk, rampant steroids found in the North American chicken that look abnormally huge for anyone's liking. The list includes fruits that seem to never go bad because they are rubbed with pesticide preservatives. Where do I shop you must be wondering. There are several farmer's markets around the city and it does not hurt to make a trip and just do the right thing. On the other hand, I have found regular moderate exercise to decrease the feeling of fatigue. After exercising I feel this burst of energy which I cannot explain. Exercise helps me feel energetic and stay active. It is my way of getting rid of tension in a most positive way.

So, until then you better stay tuned because I am back with a vengeance!