New Day New Beginning

Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start. Nido Qubein

If someone had told me that today would be my first day at work, I would not have believed it. I would have received it as mockery because of the horrible way I have felt for a long time. But, hey, Joy comes in the morning.  The Lord is blessing me with health and has opened a fulfilling opportunity; I have begun living a purpose driven life. Well, it feels so great to tell y'all that today was my first day at my new fabulous job! I had an amazing orientation and am already in madly in love with what lies ahead. I am surrounded by fabulous people just full of kindness and understanding of the journey I am coming from. Lots of accommodation and lots of everything that anyone can dream of reach your potential.  I am so thrilled and am doing the happy dance.

Remember, I had told you that I am working on a new personal project. Well, you can now visit me on my other new website on www.http://nommo.ca  Please visit and enjoy! If anyone is interested in making a contribution there are possibilities to join me in this collaboration as a guest and we can use the power of words to change the world!

Be well and stay tuned.....

Epilogue - My Final Chapter

I hold close to my heart the vivid memories of when this journey began. Apart from the tears and sadness, there were many life lessons learned. I recall searching the web for answers -  big mistake if you ask me! I used to read a lot of cancer blogs on the internet and I got scared but at the same time I was inspired by other incredible people who had travelled the same journey or are still on the ride like me. What caught my attention was that most blogs just ended suddenly and I was left wondering what happened to those people. However, after I began to slack on my postings myself, I realized that once you start feeling better you lose that passion because of the excitement of getting back into the swing of things. I am going to keep this blog up because even though I dont have too much to report on, I will keep updating about how I am doing as I move to new projects. I have started working on a social work dot com that is going to be a real kicker. Follow me on my musings as a regular person making a lasting commitment to making a real difference in our world. You will not want to miss it for anything. Just stay tuned.....

Anyway, recently I was having an epic conversation with Tinashe and she was telling me how excited she was that I am feeling so much better now and I am able to run that treadmill, break a sweat and pump some iron at the gym. Then, she asked me if cancer had changed my life or what I would change going forward?  Wow! I thought for a while - honestly, I remain ambivalent about my prognosis and cannot help but wonder what tomorrow brings. I have hated every day of this cancer nightmare, but I am appreciative of y'all for being there for me every step of the way. I have had more help than other people in my situation and I am grateful. Gratitude is what I have in my heart and in my spirit. Sorry, I digressed…. I pondered how has it changed me? I guess, I am more cognizant than ever that life is short and that it is important to grab hold of life everyday - appreciate it and give thanks that you have yet another day to breathe, laugh, love and enjoy just being... Knowing that life has an expiration date made me stop putting off doing the things that I love. You are wondering what things are those? I mean giving myself permission just to be silly. To do the things I used to enjoy when I was young like travelling, cycling, jogging and all the silly things that used to make me laugh. I will jump on the couch because it is there. I will bounce on the bed because I can. I will find new things to do. Make new friends, learn a new sport, ride a bike with my children who are avid cyclists already. I will give more hugs and say thanks for just being alive.

How has it changed me? Its interesting that, I have read about how after cancer, other people descend into depression or quit their jobs to reduce stress, some people turn vegetarian and give up alcohol. Others find God while for some relationships collapse. Thank God, my partner of six years never wavered. He held my hand, wiped my tears and stood by me selflessly. He is such a trooper and I love him to death. As for me? I am not going to sit here and start sounding all sentimental, mushy or philosophical. I just feel so blessed and am not shy to say that I am an overcomer. I never stopped dreaming big! Anyhow, once I got to learn and understand that Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is a result of very, very bad luck and is likely not related in anyway to lifestyle choices I decided, I am changing nothing because I love my life. Maybe, I will do more with each day and strive to get more out of each moment and to see the positive in most situations. I would like to eat more organic fresh vegetables and fruits, particularly from the farmer’s markets. I would like to be more physically active. And most important, take more vacations and just enjoy life. I will continue to follow my passion of being a social worker. Honestly, my life is more meaningful aligned to this abiding passion. I love being a social worker because for me, it is not a job but a vocation or calling. What’s more, it provides the tremendous satisfaction of helping others, which is, more than enough reward.

On a side note, I just accepted an amazing social work leadership job opportunity, amazing salary package, amazing team/colleagues and great working hours with an amazing health centre/clinic. Such is Amazing Grace! I am highly favoured and walking in the victory of God's sanctifying grace! It is faith and assured belief that made me sure of things I hoped for. I cannot believe that I am going back to work after one year hiatus. Phew!!! feels like it was two years. The idea of returning to work is giving me euphoria and I am loving it! Now, I do feel like I have control of my life once again. I just feel victorious and motivated to do an equally amazing job in this incredible role. I am so thrilled and cannot believe I am at this victorious place called HAPPY! Its funny how illness makes you feel hollow and empty inside. To be honest, during this experience, I did feel my confidence slowly slipping away. I experienced those weird moments of self doubt and defeat. But now, the sky is looking blue and I can see the rainbow shining brightly in the horizon! Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. I am happy because I am living and taking in every moment, embracing life and its complexities!

Admittedly, there are problems and sadness in life but our universe is full of abundance and boundless opportunities, if only we could see them. Trust me, the possibilities are without number! I am sure some of you are wondering What? How? When did that happen? Well, it all happened because like they say, when one door of happiness closes, many more open, but often we look so long at the closed door that we fail to see the one which has opened for us. My golden door opened last week and I boldly walked into the fountain of life. I refuse to be defined by cancer because I am more than cancer. I consider myself a winner and victorious given the circumstances. I am now unswervingly focused on my goal to be the change I want to see in the world as I pursue this amazing calling.

Remember, this is not a goodbye but just an epilogue – a final chapter to my journey we victoriously travelled together. I will continue to post about how my health is going. And stay tuned for the dot com which will have even more sizzling narratives of an ambivalent social worker aka survivor.

Be well, Be happy, Be kind and try to do one nice thing a day. You never know whose life you may touch today, tomorrow or ever.

As always, Stay tuned........

The End is Near of this Cancer Journey!

It been a while since I updated my blog. Many things have been happening since and all good I must say. After being sick in my last post, my oncologist nipped it in the bud. After taking antibiotics the balance returned. I have been feeling well and excited about the end of this journey.

First off, I must say that the end is near for me to beat this damn cancer. Great news! my CT scans came back with the tumours largely reduced and I require another extensive scan scheduled for March. Just hearing that piece of news is euphoric. Can you believe after treatment you have to get regular report cards. Its like school all over again. Once all is said and done you just want to know where you stand in terms of the magic words. I cannot wait for the doctor to utter those special words, "You are in remission!" Remission means that the lymphoma has been eliminated or reduced. When the tumour is completely gone, doctors call it "complete remission". When the tumour has been largely reduced but it still remains, it is called, a "partial remission". What is interesting about lymphoma is that even if your disease stands eliminated after treatment is over, it is still not called a cure. Why? I also asked. It is because lymphomas have a chance of recurring and often doctors will wait for a few years before being confident that the disease will not return. Only then can the doctor tell you that you are cured. I am scheduled for another appointment in March which is a few weeks from now. In any case, I am so thrilled that despite the speed bumps, I have been experiencing along the way, life is good! I am taking the life canvas and rewriting my own script particularly, how I feel it should look like. I am thinking, indeed, I am the great champion of my own life. Therefore, as my favourite philosopher Friedrich Nietzche states,"He who has a "why" to live can bear with almost any "how". I am at that special place where I am just trying to find the hows and moving on. Yeah, I am keeping it moving...

With the tumours largely reduced, surviving cancer and making it through the chemo and radiation are my major accomplishments so far. Now that I will be joining the special group of champions called survivors, I am finding new priorities in life, i.e. exercising to get my groove back and yes job hunting!  I am ready to put all that graduate theory into practice. I have been frequenting the gym religiously and boy! its the best thing I have done for myself so far! I feel my groove is coming back, I do feel production of those endorphins being triggered and everything is coming together. I have less fatigue and more mentally alert than I have ever been. Its funny today I went to the gym very early in the morning and two very interesting people were running beside me on the treadmill. One special lady with a bald head whom I later learnt she completed breast cancer treatment in August but is still struggling with fatigue and all the other bull shit. I thought, wow! I am not alone! How fate keeps placing me in the right place at the right time. We instantly became friends and its funny how we have so much in common and so much to reminisce and laugh about. The other was a 68 year old man who was proud to share his age and how the gym has saved his life. Well, I am just so glad that this journey is coming to an end and all in all has been quite educational and life changing in many ways.

I am just glad to be here at this point and wishing I could drink a glass of champagne to celebrate the progress and ultimate good news.

Thank you for always listening to my rants!

Confused, Trying to Figure Out....

Just trying to figure out....  Am I sounding like a broken record, that annoying repetitive track everyone is tired of hearing, which sounds like "I am sick, I am sick". Or is it that this horrendous journey is making me feel like I am losing it? Just wondering.... Or is this something that people go through after long periods of illness? I am tired of wondering.

Tinashe took that shot this week from my hospital bed when I was experiencing disorientation from a gravol shot. I must mention that I was also feeling exhausted from throwing up and just being pissed about not seeming to feel better. The funny part is, when she saw me throwing up she threw up also and suddenly it was like two convalescencing patients stuck in one room. We could not help ourselves but laugh hysterically. We both appreciated this moment of finding humour in a somewhat difficult situation. It also revealed how sad we were both feeling. We do keep revisiting this very unfortunate incident and still find ourselves laughing uncontrollably because it was funny as the nurses stood there confused but obviously affected by the dominor effect of the humour of it all and sharing in the amusement. So are the days of my life as we continue to enjoy the remnants of laughter even after all is said and done.

I have spent the past few days in hospital hooked up to an IV. After hoping the hospital visits were a thing of the past. Unfortunately that wish not yet granted. It appears I still have some hiccups here and there as the journey continues. The pain in my neck is just unbearable and I cannot stand the fever. But, no, I am not over the edge! I am just not feeling well but trying really hard to keep my head up and still looking forward to returning to normalcy mentally, emotionally and physically. Like I mentioned in my last post, I have been feeling crummy with that swelling on my neck coupled with the nerves. Every time I look in the mirror and see the recurring swelling on my neck, I become mushy and turn into an emotional wreck. Yeah, this whole thing is sending me into a tailspin. I keep thinking, Gosh! is that the tumour back or my imagination is going wild? What is going on? Yeah, just the fear alone of thinking maybe the treatment didn't work has been doing a number on me.

I keep thinking, Didn't I get a chemo/rad graduation recently? I feel ripped off right now because what was that celebration about? I feel like a hot mess for real! I know that I have tried to stay upbeat throughout the treatments but seriously, now that part is over, why am I feeling more afraid and worried than ever. I am scared and feel like the emotional plane is torpedoing. But, thanks to Tinashe my rock and pillar of support. I know that I am not impervious to the occasional downer, but she always manages to bring me back home to sanity where positive things happen. My Princess Tinashe, just keeps massaging my bruised ego and reminds me that I have a fighting spirit (which I am not sure sounds like me) and she keeps reminding me how strong I am and the resilience I have exhibited during not just this cancer journey but the day to day stresses and hassles of life in the past. Then, I start realizing that for sure, I always see the glass as half full even when it lies shattered on the ground. I take a deep breathe and I suddenly realize the importance of snapping out of it and allowing myself to live in the moment without worrying about the future or what could be.

The good news is, I am seeing my oncologist next week instead of the scheduled March. I cannot wait to go through all the tests again to make sure this is nothing but a glitch in my recovery journey. Until then, stay positive with me and remember, life is like an onion, you peel it off one layer at a time and sometimes we will weep. Not just tears of sadness, but sometimes, tears of joy from those rare moments where you find yourself laughing uncontrollably in the middle of despair. For me, those moments are more than just respite from sadness and pain but, a source of meaning and hope where courage and strength dwell. I find those particular moments healing and source of renewed strength to keep going. Such is the incomprehensible nature of life, as I continue to desperately search for those rare moments or flashes of clarity from the universe.

For now,  as I anxiously wait for the doctor to give me a cancer remission pass, lets all just live and breathe deeply......