Confused, Trying to Figure Out....

Just trying to figure out....  Am I sounding like a broken record, that annoying repetitive track everyone is tired of hearing, which sounds like "I am sick, I am sick". Or is it that this horrendous journey is making me feel like I am losing it? Just wondering.... Or is this something that people go through after long periods of illness? I am tired of wondering.

Tinashe took that shot this week from my hospital bed when I was experiencing disorientation from a gravol shot. I must mention that I was also feeling exhausted from throwing up and just being pissed about not seeming to feel better. The funny part is, when she saw me throwing up she threw up also and suddenly it was like two convalescencing patients stuck in one room. We could not help ourselves but laugh hysterically. We both appreciated this moment of finding humour in a somewhat difficult situation. It also revealed how sad we were both feeling. We do keep revisiting this very unfortunate incident and still find ourselves laughing uncontrollably because it was funny as the nurses stood there confused but obviously affected by the dominor effect of the humour of it all and sharing in the amusement. So are the days of my life as we continue to enjoy the remnants of laughter even after all is said and done.

I have spent the past few days in hospital hooked up to an IV. After hoping the hospital visits were a thing of the past. Unfortunately that wish not yet granted. It appears I still have some hiccups here and there as the journey continues. The pain in my neck is just unbearable and I cannot stand the fever. But, no, I am not over the edge! I am just not feeling well but trying really hard to keep my head up and still looking forward to returning to normalcy mentally, emotionally and physically. Like I mentioned in my last post, I have been feeling crummy with that swelling on my neck coupled with the nerves. Every time I look in the mirror and see the recurring swelling on my neck, I become mushy and turn into an emotional wreck. Yeah, this whole thing is sending me into a tailspin. I keep thinking, Gosh! is that the tumour back or my imagination is going wild? What is going on? Yeah, just the fear alone of thinking maybe the treatment didn't work has been doing a number on me.

I keep thinking, Didn't I get a chemo/rad graduation recently? I feel ripped off right now because what was that celebration about? I feel like a hot mess for real! I know that I have tried to stay upbeat throughout the treatments but seriously, now that part is over, why am I feeling more afraid and worried than ever. I am scared and feel like the emotional plane is torpedoing. But, thanks to Tinashe my rock and pillar of support. I know that I am not impervious to the occasional downer, but she always manages to bring me back home to sanity where positive things happen. My Princess Tinashe, just keeps massaging my bruised ego and reminds me that I have a fighting spirit (which I am not sure sounds like me) and she keeps reminding me how strong I am and the resilience I have exhibited during not just this cancer journey but the day to day stresses and hassles of life in the past. Then, I start realizing that for sure, I always see the glass as half full even when it lies shattered on the ground. I take a deep breathe and I suddenly realize the importance of snapping out of it and allowing myself to live in the moment without worrying about the future or what could be.

The good news is, I am seeing my oncologist next week instead of the scheduled March. I cannot wait to go through all the tests again to make sure this is nothing but a glitch in my recovery journey. Until then, stay positive with me and remember, life is like an onion, you peel it off one layer at a time and sometimes we will weep. Not just tears of sadness, but sometimes, tears of joy from those rare moments where you find yourself laughing uncontrollably in the middle of despair. For me, those moments are more than just respite from sadness and pain but, a source of meaning and hope where courage and strength dwell. I find those particular moments healing and source of renewed strength to keep going. Such is the incomprehensible nature of life, as I continue to desperately search for those rare moments or flashes of clarity from the universe.

For now,  as I anxiously wait for the doctor to give me a cancer remission pass, lets all just live and breathe deeply......