Sometimes, I Just Need a Hug

Its funny how when you finish treatment, you suddenly feel excited and start making plans of reclaiming your life back from this cancer ordeal. Well, not yet! All my plans with my personal trainer at the gym right through the window! Lately, whenever people say, how are you doing I find myself saying, "I am okay!" Weird, because I am not yet okay but want desperately to be okay. This week has not been my best. I started off the week with a fever which progressed into severe body aches. I hate taking painkillers because I have been doing that for almost a year already. Now, I keep thinking, how many more drugs before this is over?

My neck is swollen where the tumour was and that gives me the bhajibhas! I am a bundle of nerves, wondering did the tumour shrink or its still there? Am thinking, this ain't right why am I swollen again? See, the more reason I am trying to draw a blank on this one. I am having difficulty turning my head and my ear is pounding so bad. I am not going to reflect much about all this because I don't want to send myself into an unnecessary frenzy. Then, I developed nasty body aches which are just so intense that I do not wish to talk about it either. The back pain is causing me difficulty in walking and doing simple tasks. Sigghhhh......

Its interesting how you get used to being sick and all the aches that go with it. I had not taken all this seriously granted the doctor had informed me I might experience after chemo/radiation side effects. But, since these aches are not going away, I do have an appointment scheduled for next week. Hopefully, that will help allay my fears. Anyway, I just want all these aches and pains to go away. Most of all, my wish is that a cancer breakthrough is found that prevents cancer in the first place, so that no one ever has to go through these difficult things.  I will continue to take baby steps and hang in there until I regain my strength and sanity. Until then continue to stay tuned....