Grieving the Loss of my Health

When I am feeling sad I just shut down and I cry and don't listen to reason. I choose not to talk much and prefer to be in silence. That's what I have been doing the past few months. I do not believe there is anyone who wants to think about an illness like cancer and possible untimely death. As someone who has overcome much in my life and just completed a Master in Social Work degree, I felt invincible.  Nothing prepared me for the shock and devastation I experienced on receiving this terminal diagnosis. Just the mere idea that at some point, I may not be able to take care of myself or my children just made me cry uncontrollably. Suddenly, I realized this diagnosis took away my ability to plan for the future. I grieved for my own mortality. Well, I realized that all the tears and strong overwhelming emotions was GRIEF. One may wonder how can you grieve as if you lost someone. The deep sorrow and sadness I experienced after receiving the devastating news was grief. A very personal and universal experience that is different for every individual. I am grieving because I am losing my health. Thats a loss right there. The feelings of numbness and shock at receiving news was all normal. I guess those are the complex realities of receiving such life altering news.  Damn, as a social worker one would assume I should know about this. I recall my undergrad learning during my internship that grieving helps us come to terms with what is happening as well as coming to terms with the future. Yes, grieving is not a sign of weakness but my necessity.

Hope, Musings and Reflections

A winning attitude is what I intend to keep throughout this journey. I know it will not be easy but I will fight to WIN! It is difficult but, the outpouring messages of love and hope from all my friends and family are making a difference. I am taking this reality that confronts me and looking it straight in the eye without denying what will be or what can be. What I need up my sleeve is a funny bone because if I can laugh at it I can live with it. Today, is a new day and I am holding onto hope and making a choice to live and not let worry get the best of me. So, I am writing this letter to help me start anew.

Dear Hodgkins Lymphoma,  How dare you? I do not recall giving you the permission to invade my body. I am here to tell you that this is my body and I will fight you with all my might. I know and I know that there is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonics so powerful as expectation of something better tomorrow.

It is hope that I hold on to right now and I plan to rearrange my life to make it worth living again just like before. I am planning on turning this journey into an awakening... a breakthrough and dynamic life giving experience.  I vehemently refuse to quit! Like my favourite philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said, "He who has a 'why' to live can bear with almost any 'how'".

Breaking News: I have Cancer!

I figured there is no easier way to say this but I felt a blog was the best way to tell everyone. After the long wait, today I was told I have Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Nevertheless, I have to go through the rituals of chemotherapy and probably radiation combination to get rid of these damn cells. On receiving the news, I was NUMB and in Shock! I froze... and watched the little pieces of my life falling apart. I thought it was going to be easier after the long wait but hell no! I went into a daze and just saw the doctor's lips moving like he was miming.The immediate emotional upheaval was unspeakable as I agonized and struggled with the news in my head. Thank God! Krissy my friend from school was with me. She was so amazing, she kept talking to me and telling me everything was going to be fine. I didn't believe her but I appreciated that she was able to convey some positive news contrary to what the doctor had just said. As we continued walking through Chinatown, she enthused me with her funny stories about her recent trip to Peru and plans for her Phd. I must say she was so good because I was distracted for a while until I got home. Well, Krissy started practicing her Master of Social work skills on me giving me all the positive vibes and it worked. When I got home, all the feelings just came to a head. I called Tinashe and I just broke down crying. My partner was there just wiping away those tears and assuring me that I was going to be fine. My dear sister Esther, thank you for being there on this day because I needed you so much. You are such an appreciated constant in my life. Thank you for appearing when you did. Thank you for just hugging me and and making me laugh in the midst of all this.  I cannot do without you and I want you to know that I love you and I appreciate you. As the tears flowed, I just felt this big lump on my throat.... and I am still crying. I am just having a hard time with this. Suddenly, I felt so sad and overwhelmed by the news. The doctor told me next week I am seeing an oncologist. I have to do some more tests which include staging and bone marrow etc etc. After the tests I am supposed to begin chemo. NUMB..... I am unable to describe fully what I am feeling because it is just overwhelming, thinking about this uphill battle that confronts me is something you cannot wind around your finger. Still feeling so exhausted and my chest is hurting so much. I hate this disease... I am a hot mess.... hotmess.org...

The Incisional/Aspiration Biopsy

Now I am really feeling scared but Tinashe tells me to remain optimistic. Its not really working because I am pretending to be strong. After doing the unthinkable of searching tumours on google, I am freaking out. I feel like I just hoped onto a treadmill of life that does not have a STOP button. My appointment is scheduled for August 11th and the day before the secretary informs me that something had come up and the doctor would not be able to perform the biopsy as previously agreed.  In fact, she advised me that this would be done some time in September.  I totally flipped! I am thinking, first you made a mistake and did not label the cultures now you are playing russian roullet with my life? Hell, to the NO!  I email a very strongly worded message that I was not going to accept the kind of behaviour that smells lack of dignity and respect entitled to all human beings. It clicked for me that I did not want to die but to live!  I just knew instantly that I was going to fight for my life tooth and nail even if it means upsetting the doctors who are going to cut me open. I was willing to take that risk. In short, I was not polite at all and I dont regret it one bit because I immediately got an appointment for the following week.  I was told the process would take 20 minutes but it took a full hour and that hour felt like 3 hours if you ask me.  I will not dwell on this procedure because I cried like a baby. I thought the needle biopsy was painful but that was nothing.  My poor Tinashe, again she was sitting there all the while despite the doctor advising her it might be graphic. After I got opened up, poor girl she passed out. I thought it was guys who did that during labour but well, I guess childbirth is not the only traumatizing thing in this life.  A biopsy is a surgical process were sample tissue was removed from the tumour on my neck.  The sample was of course sent for examination under a microscope. The waiting was two excruciating weeks. I think the waiting was just too painful.  The anxiety is indescribable! The recovery was painful and I was swollen again but I cannot complain. The doctor did a good job. Koodos doctor even though we started on bad footing. The only problem I have now is these outbreaks of chronic fatigue. I just feel so tired and unable to do simple tasks.

Another Day!

The pain in the chest persisted. We spent the whole night awake struggling with the pain. I went to see my family doctor in the morning whom I adore so much. I just needed to talk to her about my chest we seemed to be persisting despite all the medications I was getting.  I also needed to speak to her and just cry because I was feeling frustrated by the pain and the fact that I had to wait not knowing when I would start treatment.  She made me feel so great. First, she gave me this liquid medication which made my chest feel much better. Then she gave me some literature on lymphona which was very useful. But, here is the most fun part, she advised me that she was going to advocate on my behalf to see if the treatment appointments could be speeded up. This was music to my ears. Anything that makes me stay positve sends me right to the moon. So, I went home whistling despite that ache in my chest. I had something to look forward to, that hope - yeah, that feeling of expecting good things to come.