Happy New Year! Radiation # 13 to # 16

Apart from the New Year count down just beginning, this week has been uneventful. Just the usual routine of going to the hospital for radiation treatments everyday. Its exhausting but not so bad. The good news is that now that my treatment digits are now in the double digits, I am beginning to feel good for the most part. A feeling that I had thought had left me given the many uphills and bumps that I had to go through this far.

As I proceed to do the countdown - not of the New Year, but of my radiation treatment plan I can see the light that had begun to flicker and diminish for a long while. I am beginning to visualize the many things I would like to do once all this is over. The feeling is so good that I can now honestly say I am going to be alright. The feeling just makes me look back to where this journey began and reflect. Yeah! life is so unpredictable! Anyway, that light at the end of the tunnel is no longer an illusion.  I can see it and I can feel and I can touch it and I can taste it!

Otherwise, that makes this week the best so far.  I guess its because the holiday spirit is still in the air and gets contagious. I was sick this Friday though for some strange reason, even just getting up was a chore. Just aches and pains but with popping some pain killers here and there as well as soaking in all the holiday spirit around, I am doing just fine and getting ready to have a quiet and laid back New Year.

Despite everything that we have all faced, I dare y'all we can always still find something to be thankful for and continue to have hope for the future!

I would like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a Happy new year! I wish you all a happy 2012 filled with Joy, Happiness, Good Health and Prosperity!

Most of all, thank you for your unwavering support during this incredible journey. You really made this journey easier for me as I felt all your love envelope me from all the bumps and hurdles! I just feel so blessed! I am grateful for all your support and I am truly humbled that so many of you took time to just rally around me during this difficult year. Thank you so much for stopping by and all the encouragement. It is all greatly appreciated.

With that said, put on your party hats and raise a toast to all the good times!

I love y'all!

Happy New Year!

This Week in Focus - Radiation # 8 to # 12

I cannot believe I am at # 12 of my radiation treatment. Can you believe that I am getting used to being claustrophobic while inside the treatment mask? Its been hard ya'll! The treatment mask gives me this distressing emotion and fear of being afraid that I may not be able to explain. It sounds really weird but the truth is I realized that this fear I was experiencing was my own self-fulfilling prophesy. I cannot believe having this radiation mask was truly posing such an emotional challenge on my psyche. Each single day, I noticed that this fear of having the mask on my face during treatment was dominating my reasoning causing me untold fear. I just felt this overwhelming apprehension that escalated to my heart pounding needlessly. I had sweaty palms and my muscles were tense. Every time the radiation oncology nurse tells me to relax, I realized I did have a problem and I thought what am I going to do about this?

Anyway, it dawned on me that I needed to develop some kind of strategy to deal with this dilemma because the journey was still on. I just decided maybe if I closed my eyes and take myself to a happy place it would do the trick. Well, I am happy to report that I have tried this and it has worked this far. Can you believe that I got my freedom from not allowing all this fear to run rampant causing me such stress during treatment. Even though the nausea keeps bothering me, I must say given a choice, this radiation process is definitely much easier than chemotherapy. I am getting my energy back and yeah am getting my groove back and getting ready to be myself once again. Its Christmas this weekend people! It is the season to be happy!

I am wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas and may this season bring abundant joy and happiness in your life! May Santa be extra good to y'all!

To my Jewish friends, Happy Hanukkah! I am sending you wishes full of happiness, good tidings and divine blessings this Hanukkah.

Be kind to one another....

Getting Carried Away

When you are sick and home bound having visitors is one of the most exciting and uplifting event.  I feel like a kid being taken to the park to play. This weekend I had two special guests my dear friend Esther and my lovely sekuru Stewart Doma.  Esther had promised to come earlier but seeing that the day was coming to an end I had assumed that she was busy studying for her upcoming exams next week which always tears her away from everyone. Good luck Esther in your exams! Anyway, as Esther walked in later in the day after I had given up, I was thrilled. Before she could sit down, my favourite sekuru Stewart also surprised me with an unexpected visit. I must say we had such an amazing time and chatted away. Then, I did the unthinkable, I got carried away seeing everyone eating sadza (our traditional food) and joined in the feasting forgetting my now very sensitive stomach. After everyone left, I was so sick.  I violently threw up and felt like I had just eaten poison.  I kicked myself for getting carried away and thinking I am feeling much better. Bloom! that went my weekend into the drain. I threw up on Saturday night and the whole of Sunday going into Monday morning.  So, the thing is I didn't sleep very well this weekend so I am just beginning my week feeling really cranky again. However, I did have a great time apart from my failing to take it easy on the food. Until then......

Its Christmas! But Radiation continues. So far, Day # 3 to # 7 done

I cannot believe its Christmas! No, I am not saying that with any enthusiasm or gusto at all. This is one heck of a Christmas where I accept the title of Grinch who stole Christmas without shame. Its funny that in the Western world the pandemonium about gifts is nothing but very fascinating. I don't know why I am surprised because in Africa, christmas was a colonial invention. Back home, its more about decompressing for probably four days getting together with family including extended family. Its not a one day event and people spend the whole four days sleeping over and having fun. In fact, growing up, I don't recall any frenzy about buying gifts. Its only young children who get new clothes and toys. Instead, everyone is all excited about receiving their end of year bonus affectionately called "the 13th Cheque". Everyone is excited and planning and budgetting including upgrading their furniture or making big purchases like a house or a car. What stands out for me was how everyone was all excited about going to spend Christmas with their parents or in-laws who often live far away and distance does not matter. Thank God my parents live one hour from the capital city and that always made it easy for all of us. Let me tell you about my fabulous family -  it is exactly like the Madea Reunion if you know what I mean. I chuckle every time I watch that movie. Yeah, my family is really XXXLarge. Given an opportunity my family can make up a small town on their own. I miss you all and all the good times at this time of the year. I wish you a fabulous Christmas filled with joy and happiness.

My radiation treatments will continue without a break except for the usual weekend. How can I get excited when these treatments leave me constantly nauseated and cranky for the most part? No amount of positive thoughts or affirmations can make me feel any better for now. Just saying! With that said, I hope you have all done your preparations and shopping. To the  "procrastinators" don't stress you still have a couple of days to run around. Don't sweat and don't break a leg at the mall!

After a somewhat long hiatus, I figured since I am having radiation every single day it would be much easier for me to post on a weekly basis unless there is something really pressing to report on. The daily radiation treatments have been really hectic and leave me with all my energy depleted. Every time I am done with radiation I just feel so drained and cannot even engage in small talk. I find myself dozing and just snoozing away sporadically without any warning. Here is the interesting tit bit, this week as I was lying down having my radiation, I suddenly heard Christmas corals playing in the room. Geez! I thought, "Joy to the world?" really? I don't think so. As I lay there I thought I am having the worst time of my life and joy doesn't really fit into this equation.

First off, its uncomfortable and claustrophobic wearing the special radiation mask. To make it worse, you are screwed onto this hard bed..... Secondly, I am nauseated every single day and eating has become a chore because I am constantly worried that it will come out. Then, I also thought, maybe I am being a Grinch who hates Christmas just because I cannot eat properly. I just finished 5 treatments of radiation from Monday to Friday and the thing that is bothering me a lot is the nausea and vomiting. That has been the biggest issue for me so far. However, I am glad that I had an appointment with my Radiation Oncologist today and he gave me a script for some more drugs that are supposed to help. I keep wondering once this is all done how much toxicity will I be carrying around?

Gallium Scan Results are in......

The gallium results are in da da da dum! My Chemo Oncologist is the one who discussed the results with me. Remember, I am working with a chemo oncologist and a radiation oncologist, two different specialists working together. I have learnt not to celebrate pre-emptively because this cancer journey is sure complicated and unpredictable. So, until I am done with radiation therapy I am still holding my breath. The good news is that the gallium scan shows that the gallium avid tumors have decreased in size. The CT scan of the chest shows the tumor shrunk to 1cm. The CT scan of the head and neck also show the big tumor has reduced in size to 1.8cm and I am doing well so far. Therefore, radiation is supposed to shrink these tumors further.

Did you know that once you complete both chemo and radiation treatment you cannot say you are cured?Yeah, I was surprised too. You say you are in remission. Remission means absence of disease activity with the possibility of return of disease activity. Yikes! Once I am done with radiation whats going to happen is that I will get CT scanned every 3 months for the next year then it will be every 6 months then every year. These scans are done to make sure there is nor recurrence of the cancer. So, I am not off the hook yet.

Feeling Not So Good

Today I woke up feeling queasy and sick to my stomach. The wave of nausea just engulfed me and I kept hoping I would feel better by the end of the day. Unfortunately, that was wishful thinking. I spent my afternoon vomiting and later took a nap just to deal with the exhaustion that ensued. When I got up I was feeling so hungry and decided to eat something. Well, big mistake, I vomited again so violently and cursed myself for desiring to eat something. I had hoped this was enough vomiting for the day but, alas! I continued throwing up through out the night and only managed to sleep at 4am in the morning. I guess that wraps up my very uneventful and depressing weekend. Nausea and vomiting after radiation are part of the treatment package that I really despise. I just want all this to be over and I continue the countdown in earnest. Until then stay tuned.......

Radiation Day # 2

I cannot help it but I hear that song, "The final countdown" just playing in my head these days. For some strange reason, radiation therapy makes me see that bright light at the end of the tunnel. After my first radiation therapy, I developed swelling and numbness on my neck, the same area where the cancerous tumor is located. Now, that I consider myself a pro I didn't panic given that I have come to know that these treatments do have adverse side effects no matter how helpful they may be. Anyway, I saw the Radiation Oncologist today and of course he allayed my fears and stated that the swelling may be the result of blocked lymphatic fluid since the tumour was sitting right on the sub-mandibular gland. He advised that I purchase some unscented aloe vera and do some gentle massage on the spot and also do some gentle neck exercise to reduce the neck tightness and increase neck motion while increasing drainage of the lymph nodes. After consulting with my doctor, I had my second round of radiation therapy and am just happy that its not as bad as chemotherapy. I cannot help but do a serious count down and cannot wait to finish this final process of my treatment plan. Until then, stay tuned......

Radiation Day # 1

Today I had my first radiation treatment. Before registration I was just so nervous and anxious remembering the just so devastating process of chemo. Yeah I am scarred for life...I kid you not - I have PTSD! (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Its funny that this whole cancer journey has turned me into such a sceptic. Despite my radiation oncologist telling me that radiation was not as bad as chemo I did not believe him one bit given these medical people are taught to make you feel as comfortable as possible rather than raise your anxieties. Remember radiation is localized therapy so you don't feel the the effects like chemo. Radiation is given via machines called linear accelerators which produce high energy external radiation beams that penetrate the tissues and deliver radiation dose deep into the areas where the cancer resides.

Anyway, Tinashe came into the treatment room with me. Since she had not seen the simulation process when the mask was created, she was not only amused, but I could see that she was nervous as they started placing the mask on my face and bolting me down onto the bed. She took that picture and kept holding my hand and kept asking me if I was okay. Thats me inside that dreadful white mask and lying down under the radiation machine. Thank God, my hands are not bolted in. So at least I can communicate using hands. You guessed right I could only lift my hand to respond that I was okay. Who can talk when they are all wrapped up in that mask seriously. There is no room for talking you immediately turn into sign language. Two very pleasant radiation nurses placed the mask onto my face and I got bolted down so that I stay put. I know that is the only part that felt creepy and makes you feel claustrophobic, but, I got over that after a little while.

Anyway, unlike chemotherapy the set up takes quite long yet the treatment part takes less time. Once treatment started Tinashe was asked to leave the room and the oncology nurses left too. I was left alone and I was under the radiation machine for about 20 minutes and I was done. In comparison to the dreadful chemotherapy, give me radiation any time. It was much easier than I anticipated and I was really happy about that. After treatment the nurse advised me that I will be seeing my Radiation Oncologist once every week so I am seeing him tomorrow. Also, each day before treatment I have to go through the assessment room which evaluates how well I am tolerating the radiation and monitor any side effects. How cool is that? I feel so privileged that I am under such extraordinary, amazing and thorough care. These are things I never take for granted, I just feel so humbled and I am so grateful. I may be feeling unwell but I look for bits of pleasure in each hour and every moment. I have gratitude in my heart because I find that it unlocks the fullness of life and turns what I have into enough and even more than I can ask for. I just feel so blessed!

More tomorrow....

What Not to Say to a Cancer Patient

Apart from lessons learned, during this journey there are things that people say that can really be upsetting even though often, its said with the best of intention. I have encountered people who say such foolish things and I usually just roll my eyes, curse them under my breath and keep it moving. So, I thought what not to say can never be enough. I stumbled upon this insightful list of things not to say to a cancer patient and just felt compelled  to share with y'all. This list is from a hodgkins lymphoma survivor, David Hann's blog, a conductor and pianist on Broadway in New York. I found it really insightful.

*Do not stop calling them because suddenly you don’t know what to say. Do not try to avoid them in social situations because you are uncomfortable.

*Go up to them. Call them. E-mail them. Tell them, first, that you heard about the cancer. Tell them second that you think it sucks and you’re sorry to hear about it.

*Don’t talk about your uncle who died of the same cancer. Don’t talk about how your whole family has had cancer, and you’ll probably die of it, too. Don’t talk about how many people die of it every year. Don’t talk about death.

*Don’t talk about how you once got diagnosed with pneumonia, so you can understand what it’s like. No you can’t. Don’t try. Tell them you can’t even imagine what it’s like to go through something like this.

*Do not talk about the alternative medicine that you read about in Crazy Monthly, that is sure to cure them of their disease.

*Don’t tell them that their treatment isn’t good for them, and that lot’s of people end up dying from the treatments, or that chemotherapy is just a big conspiracy between the government and the pharmaceutical companies, etc., etc. Don’t tell them how they got it. Just stop. They don’t need to hear about it.

*If they are sad about it, don’t tell them that they shouldn’t be sad. They have a right to be sad, or exhausted, or whatever it is they feel. Don’t tell them what to do.

*Ask them about the treatment – then listen to the response. It might be a long response, with a lot of medical terms. Listen anyway. It’s all they probably think about right now, anyway, so just let them talk about it.

*Give them a hug, or a handshake, or a pat on the back. Touch them somehow. Tell them that you’re concerned for them, and you’re looking forward to them being a cancer survivor.

*Do not give them the line, “if there’s anything I can do just tell me…”, unless you are absolutely certain that you would do ANYTHING for them. Just don’t say it. Because most people don’t mean it. If you really want to do something for them, come up with the idea yourself, and then do it. Send them flowers, or a book, or bring over dinner for them.

Be sensitive and Be kind to one another!

Post Chemo What Have I Learned So Far?

Pre-cancer, I was that person some may call superwoman. I was constantly the over achiever, trying to get to the next level both at work and my personal life. I lost touch of the fact that life has to be celebrated as it is presented in front of you. But, what changed? When I was diagnosed with cancer, the hardest part was the reminder of my own mortality. Really, who wants to die? I just assumed the worst for myself and I was really scared. The fear and despair that engulfed me is indescribable. The tears and feelings of despair at the injustice and unfairness of this diagnosis are just beyond words. I was numb for a long time and had these waves of intense grief and just sobbing for so many days. Cancer has a way of making you feel that you are no longer in control of your life or your body.  I just felt disorganized and so distant from others and just felt alone. Strangely, I also wanted to be alone. The treacherous journey feels really bumpy and filled with traumatic shocks. I had to give myself an emotional checkup ever so often in order to maintain my sanity. I had to admit my fears especially of death and noted how it was actually distracting me from dealing with my cancer. Most of all, I learnt that it was okay to be demonstrative of all these crazy feelings especially the being vulnerable part. Being vulnerable allowed me to conquer my fears through letting go of my inhibitions and just being at the mercy of life while opening my heart to the possibilities of life. My biggest lesson was that while it is okay to have fears, it is important to put yourself in charge of your cancer journey through educating yourself about facts regarding your diagnosis and treatment while putting fear in its proper place of non-distraction.

Learning that I have cancer has given me much greater clarity and intensity of understanding that life was indeed precious. I learned that going forth, the choices I make every single day could either give meaning to my life or derail me. This whole journey has taught me to live my life more meaningfully and more purposefully. I have learned to live in the moment and enjoy everything around me. I have learnt to focus on the right things in my life while riding this bumpy hodgkins bus. Now, I know without a doubt that life is beautiful for the most part and the things we call problems are really not problems. They are mere inconveniences. I have also learned from all the loved ones around me how much life has impacted theirs. I must say, from all the acts of kindness, I realized just how much I am loved by so many. I learned that I am never alone and that I will always have a great support team at my call. That feeling is quite humbling... Evidently, the lessons have been many for me so far but the biggie was realizing that optimism is a sure form of healing. What is optimism one may ask apart from being cliche? Optimism has been described as an attitude or inclination towards positive thinking. In simple terms, it is the ability to see that silver lining in every cloud. I guess that is viewing a glass as always half full rather than half empty. Therefore, optimism is hope. Through this experience, I learnt that hope and despair are forever intertwined as I moved from one end of the spectrum to the next. I can say without a doubt that you cannot even consider one without thinking about the other. I swung like a pendulum and floated from one end of despair to the other end of hope until at some point, I had an epiphany that as human beings, without hope we have nothing.

The great Martin Luther put it best when he said, if you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream. I dream to be cancer free, to be healthy and to have my life back. Learning that you have cancer feels like you suddenly step into this very dark hole. However, when you step into that darkness, I learnt that chances are you will either find a firm ground to stand on or you simply learn to fly. Talk of the latter, that still has to happen for me. I am somehow still holding on desperately to the lifeboat for the darker times and incomprehensible nature of the universe. Yeah sometimes we need that smack in the face from the universe in order to wake us up to ourselves. The truth is my ground was shaky as I struggled with coping with the devastating effects of chemotherapy treatments which I have already shared that they are so bad that there are no enough right words to describe the whole experience. I remember many times during my cancer journey, bargaining with God from to please please stop the horrible chemo side effects to please please make me well. I recall crying endless tears and just feeling so alone though I was surrounded by so many loving people.

During this treacherous journey, I have interacted with a few people who have gone through the same life changing experience and I have been told that going through the cancer journey can turn into a blessing. Touche`, I am still thinking about that one whether its a blessing or a curse. However, I must admit, there are some positive things that have come out of all this. I have learnt that it is my job to be persistent and ask questions whenever I feel that more should be done regarding my health. The worst that can happen is the doctor getting annoyed but thats okay as long as I am not combative in my delivery to get the treatment and dignity that I deserve. Although I have always been an appreciative person before, I must admit, I am now even more thankful for so many things such as my wonderful family and friends who all rallied around me offering much needed support and love. I appreciated all the overwhelming and amazing support and love. Having cancer has allowed me to make a clear distinction of who really cares about me from those who do not. I learned that true friendship means that someone who not only laughs with you in the good times, but also holds your hand when you are scared. I know for sure that life is very fragile and I will never take simple things like feeling good and having energy or being active for granted. After this lousy experience of feeling run-down and really sick, I have great appreciation for the times that I feel well and healthy.

Cancer is a total bitch and I cannot stand here and say I am grateful or happy that I have cancer. I am just thankful for what this experience has taught me so far. Cancer has taught me an important life lesson of not taking good health for granted and understanding that tomorrow is never guaranteed. I have learnt the importance of living my life like today is my last and knowing that, no matter how difficult this journey may be, it could have been worse because there is always someone out there having a worse experience than me. I know it sounds corny but this experience has made me want to be kinder and more patient with others because guess what, you never know what someone else is going through. I don't want anyone to get me wrong. This experience does not make me perfect. Far from it, I just know the many things in my life I want to work on and improve. I just feel like once this whole journey is over, I can close this painful chapter and start over again. How many times do we get a second chance in life? Personally, I am so grateful because I feel like I am getting a second chance! Having cancer does not in any way mean we stop living or stop enjoying life. It simply means we alter how we deal with the new normal. I have learnt to enjoy the moment and not allow unimportant things to overtake me. I have learnt to argue less and to laugh more particularly I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. I wake up every morning and look at each day as a gift to be appreciated and savoured. The journey is hard and treacherous but with all the love, support and strength I got and am still getting, even you can get through anything. Do stay tuned cause I am back with gusto..........

Gallium Scan Post Chemo

The good news is I am getting my energy back slowly but surely although the nausea is still bugging me. Today, I just had my gallium total body scan to assess and evaluate progress made this far with the chemotherapy. The machine you see was just doing all sorts of things. You are pushed in and out of the doughnut hole. At times the machine pulls you out and goes into 3D mode. When that happens the two square things you see in the image start rotating around you. Anyway, the whole process is just so fascinating. It took longer than the first one but no pain no gain as I have learned over time. I tell you, when I was doing this test, there was a moment, I just closed my eyes because I thought wow! this machine is just going to smash into my face.

Of course it won't. Just allowing my imagination to run amok! The two squares rotate very slowly right in your face taking 3D images. The process though painless is kinda uncomfortable in a claustrophobic way. And by the way, you get wrapped up in a kind of a velcro straight jacket that is just so weird. Trust me, you are not able to move even an inch while you are inside this thing. Anyway, since this was my second time doing this test, I didn't freak out so much. This straight jacket, I hear is supposed to help you stay still while the scanning is taking place. Now, I await a date with my fabulous chemo Oncologist to advise me how much progress has been made so far. Other than that nothing much to report. Just stay tuned.....

Getting Ready for Radiation Therapy - The Radiation Mask

First and foremost, I must say mother nature is right on cue, it has started snowing outside... I can see flurries through my window which probably means we will have a white Christmas. I don't know whether I should be excited or dread the awful winters to come that make Canada what it is. Anyway, I had an appointment with my Radiation Oncologist today. We went over again the side effects and what to expect once treatment starts. By now you all know each treatment has its advantages as well as pitfalls. After our conversation he sent me to the radiation department where I met with the radiation therapists to begin moulding the mask you see on the left. That is the tailor made radiation simulation mask that will be used for my radiation treatment. No, its not a painful process. Before you know it its over. You just lie down under the donut machine while they do their thing.

So the process is called radiation simulation. It involves making a mask that will fit over my face and neck and will be bolted to the table during each radiation treatment. The purpose of the mask is ensure my head stays in position during treatment while at the same time protecting my other body parts from irradiation since radiation is targeted therapy. Meaning the radiation is focused on the spot where the tumours where identified. Radiation is supposed to kill or slow the growth of cancer cells.Everything including my treatment schedule will be finalized in liaison with my Oncologist and hopefully I should be looking at starting treatment in about 10 days. Stay tuned......

Gallium Injection

I am looking outside through the window and its raining so bad. Just wishing I could stay in my bed and sleep some more. But, not a chance. I have another medical appointment at the Nuclear Medicine department. Oh, how I hate that place. Seriously, who wants to have toxic radioactive substances injected into their system? Today I am still feeling queasy and my chest, stomach and rib cage hurts from all the throwing up yesterday. Anyway, no time for whining because I had another appointment to have the gallium injection in preparation for the gallium scan on Friday again to check on the cancer suckers after chemo. This was very quick, IV in the arm and then they injected the poisonous radioactive stuff supposed to work on the cells for the next three days before the scan on Friday. Stay tuned....

CT PET Scan after Chemo

After all the waiting, today was my appointment to do the CT Scan to check whether chemo had shrunk the cancer tumors.  As usual, this involves needle poking and lying down in that donought looking machine.  This time it was not so bad because I am now used to the process. The IV was placed in my arm and the concoction is supposed to go in any area of my body with abnormal cellular activity. When we got home, I was not feeling too great. Just nausea and queasiness.  I took my anti-nausea medicines before going to bed hoping this would do the trick.

My morning began at 3am when I suddenly felt this urgent need to throw up. It was so sudden that I did not have enough time to make it to the bathroom. I am sorry for too much information but I did promise to keep this as honest as possible. Yeah, I projectiled just as I stepped out of my bedroom. It was a hot mess I must say, from the hallway all the way to the bathroom. Tinashe woke up and I could see her standing there stunned and just speechless. When I was done throwing up, we began cleaning like it was daylight. We took out the clorox bleach and the work began. It took us almost a hour before the job was done. We took hot showers after this and went back to bed without saying a single word to each other. The whole episode was just shocking, I guess we both were dumb founded. Thank God my next appointment the following day is at 3pm in the afternoon so at least I can catch up on some sleep.   

Happy Birthday to my oldest Son - Tinotenda

Today is one of those special days where I see the light at the end of the chemo tunnel. It is a day filled with joy and happiness because it is  my son, Tinotenda's 29th birthday. Wow! I don't feel the least old a tardy bit. In fact, I feel wiser and so blessed that I can watch my children grow into beautiful creatures! What a joy to see your children grow up and be everything any mother can ever dream for them to be. This letter is my tribute to my son Tinotenda. Its funny that no matter how old your children will ever be, they just remain your child. I guess that is one special relationship that remains constant in a parent's life and does not change with age or time. The Bible says that children are a gift of God. That is so true and I am ever grateful for my gifts to God who is the giver of all good gifts. As I write this tribute, I just want to sing a special song of praise gushing from my heart. You know the one by Kirk Franklin, that says, Someone asked the question. Why do we sing? When we lift our hands to Jesus what do we really mean? At times we maybe crying and nothing is even wrong. And when the song is over and we have all said Amen. In your heart you just keep on singing. And the song will never end. That's right, I sing, because I am happy with my beautiful gifts from God!

To My Dearest Son Tinotenda,

What do you say to a handsome and fine young man who is now 29?
Happy Birthday to a wonderful son and a great friend!

I hardly know what or how to start a letter of the kind I want this to be. Probably first and foremost I just want you to know how much I love you from the bottom of my heart. Secondly, I want you to know how proud I am of you as a man. You have gone through so much but have fulfilled all the hopes and expectations a mother could have for a son.  We have talked a lot about some of these things during our many enjoyable long conversations together.  You have proven to be the man I am proud to call my son. You are the man, yet so gentle, intelligent and able to understand the weaknesses of others yet strong in your mind and body.  You are so thoughtful, kind and have a generous spirit. I could go on and on trying to tell you how and what I feel you are but I think you know how I feel about you. I am so proud of you! You have grown into a fine young man, worthy of the name chosen for you so long ago. Tinotenda means we are thankful to God Almighty! Yes, we are thankful for many reasons. You are smart, witty, dedicated, kind and sensitive.  All the things I have ever wished and hoped you would become. You have handled difficult transitions and travails with so much grace. You have endured like a true champion and for that I am extremely proud of you. You are a wonderful role model for your little brother and your sister, who both look up to you for guidance, strength and most importantly love.

As for the future, I do not know of anything that I could say to you more than I have previously tried to pass on to you particularly the ideals one should strive for in life. I admit, I have not been perfect and have made many mistakes along the way. Unfortunately, I have learnt the hard way that parenting is much more complex than just loving you fiercely. With that said, I hope we have both learnt that sometimes things in life do not always go the way we want them to. There are times we are confronted with decisions that affect others and us in ways we cannot see right away. Often we only see the results of our decisions very later on. These decisions include both positive and negative outcomes, right or wrong, good and bad, the choices that we make as individuals are our own and we have to live with them. I know that throughout my life I have made irrevocable decisions that have affected you in many ways, some good and some not so good. I made some of the decisions consciously knowing what would happen and some I did not know what the outcome would be. I had to live with the good ones as well as the bad ones knowing I could never recall or amend. But, I am so glad that I am able to tell you today, on your birthday that I am so sorry for the times I have let you down.

Son, I am not looking for forgiveness, sympathy or any foolish emotion. Not from you or anyone else. I really don't give a damn how or what people think. I am asking nothing of you. I am just trying to let you know what happened to our lives. The reason our lives were irrevocably transformed and we ended up on separate pathways.  It was not at all what I wanted out of both our lives. But, in the end it was what you were dealt and for that I am so sorry and will always carry that burden. I have missed you so much that I am unable to put it into words.

Son, on a serious note, my advice to you is be your own man and learn from my own mistakes. Respect all things and know that pride is a useless and selfish emotion. Treat others as you want them to treat you and above all, never ever give up your dignity. Let no man take that away from you because it is irretrievable. You can loose everything in life such as money, clothes etc. because all that can be regained in due course. In this life, you will be faced with many choices in the years to come. I know in my heart that you will make choices that are healthy - choices that will help you to become the best man that you can be. I look forward to helping you make those choices and guiding you towards manhood in the best way I know how.

I could not ask or be more proud of the son you are today and the man you have become. I love you very much son always and eternally. My wish for your birthday is that all your dreams come true! On this fabulous day, I pray that God blesses you with all the joy and happiness in the world that you desire. Even more important, may you continue to sail through all the obstacles and challenges that may come in your way to grand success.

Happy Birthday my dearest son!

I love you always,

Mom

After Chemo....

I am sure everyone has been wondering where I have been? Yeah, chemo knocks the hell out of you and takes you out of the picture! I was down and under - really out! If that makes any sense at all. It feels like the more chemo you get the more you feel really sick. I had the usual, mouth sores, constant nausea and vomiting, blah blah blah you must all be tired of hearing that by now. What's new you must be saying? Of late, I have new side effects which really freaked me out. My hands have turned black. I have developed skin black discolouration which the doctor stated is a chemotherapy side effect. I have these black patches in both my hands and feet including some other parts of my body. Kinda like I have been working with black ink or tar.  My hands look like I dipped them into black ink and it can't come off. No, its not painful, its just looks ugly and so black. It keeps freaking me out every time I look at my hands. After all the jabbing and having my chemo administered through my veins, I am now reaping the rewards. My arm veins are very sore and I am unable to lift anything including carry my own purse. I know this will get better after a while. Even though, I had my last chemo a week now, I still feel constant fatigue and very low energy even after spending most of my time sleeping.

I just want to take a moment to thank all of you who have sent me messages privately. I appreciate y'all so much. The honest truth is I have not yet even had an opportunity to be excited that I finished chemo because of the horrible way I am feeling. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that I have finished my chemo treatments but the truth is, my future is unknown. I really do not feel quite ready to celebrate as yet. I still have to start and finish my radiation treatments a journey I have been warned can be horrible on its own. So, the fear of this part of unknown leaves me exactly where I started from a few months ago - A Hot Mess! I can't seem to shake off these feelings of anxiety and sadness. So, for now, I just need to hear that my scans scheduled for next week are clear of the bad cells. Also, I just want to do this radiation treatment before I can utter the proverbial word "celebration". The cancer treatment journey feels so protracted with my radiation treatments going through up to January 2012 next year. So, all I am thinking about right now is, how sad, what a sad Christmas and what a sad New Year!

I know, I have said this countless times but let me just say it again. I absolutely, categorically hate chemo! It is so horrible and makes me feel really awful. and brings the worst in me  I know, I know, without chemo cancer prognosis is not good. But, the thing about chemotherapy is just how harsh it is on the body and just how it makes you feel so awful. Sometimes, I just feel like this body doe not belong to me any more. I feel like aliens invaded my body and somehow took control. There are no words that can best describe the extremity chemo makes me feel. Its just beyond words. Its not just one thing, the list is just so long that sometimes when people ask how I am doing, I just say I am fine because its just difficult to explain how I am feeling. The truth is I am mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. Now, I am just going through the motions to get better without really thinking too much about it. Its funny how Hodgkin's is regarded as the good cancer. To me, cancer is cancer and scares me to death and chemotherapy has destroyed everything that used to be me. Need I say more.... Anyway, I am anxious about so many things cancer. For example, I am scared about the future scans and other adverse reactions from chemo and radiation. I guess I need to stop over analyzing and just take one day at a time which of course is a daunting task. Anyway, I will be back in full force soon and will update ya'll about a lot of stuff. Stay tuned and be kind to one another.....

Fourth and Final Chemotherapy Update..

Yeah! Congratulations are in order! What a great day to be done with chemo! I am over that chemo mountain! Today was my last chemotherapy. It was so bad with the burning, nausea and dizziness. But, Tinashe was so excited and kept taking pictures because this has been quite a journey not just for me but for her as well because she has been by my side all the time.  Thanks Tina for everything especially for being the rock I can lean on! I am eternally grateful! You are amazing! I have not seen the pictures yet but I am sure I looked like a hot mess. She also did a video which I am sure is very funny. I remember that I could not even fake a smile when she asked me how I was feeling that it was my last chemo. This last session was too painful to even put into words. For some strange reason this last one lasted longer than usual. I don't know if its because all the veins are busted and white cells gone or what. But, this chemo hit me so hard I have not really wrapped around my head that I will not be going back for more just yet. Even though, I am feeling so sick and weak, I did ring the bell that celebrates the end of chemo and everyone including the oncology nurses claps hands and celebrates your end of the chemo journey. I still have a few days to rest before I begin the next phase of radiation which will be 15 rounds. Aaargghhh!! I don't want to think about that number yet. For real, I don't want to think about that right now. I just need to rest. I am feeling so weak and feeling queasy so I will post some more when I have rested and gained a bit of strength and emerged from this daze I am in. Stay tuned....

Its the Final Countdown......

Today I had an appointment with my Oncologist and did blood work to clear me for my next chemotherapy scheduled for Wednesday. I am happy to report that everything is going well, and I am all clear of the nooks and crooks that can cause chemo to be postponed. I am doing well and ready for Wednesday. Did I just say ready? Well, you know I don't mean that for real! Who can ever look forward to torture? Honestly, nothing to look forward to. As usual my nerves are doing their thing and yeah, my stomach is doing those somersaults caused by jitters. But guess what, deep down I am feeling a tinge of excitement because the upcoming chemo is my last one. That is so good for my ears. After this chemo session, I will do more tests to measure how much the tumors have shrunk so far before I begin radiation.  So, stay tuned......

Feeling Better

I apologize for the long hiatus. After the pneumonia, I was sleeping a lot and could not just get out of bed or even function like a normal being. Who knew that pneumonia associated with chemotherapy can cause extreme fatigue. More than often, I just find myself saying "gosh, I am extremely tired and sleepy". I was feeling so tired that I could not even hold a serious conversation let alone go on the computer without passing out into a deep sleep. I sure realize that it could be worse, so I am grateful that so far the side effects have been manageable. Anyway, I am feeling much better now and looking forward to an appointment with my Oncologist next week. However, I must admit that the past week has been extremely difficult but I pulled through. Don't give up on me just stay tuned......

I Have Pneumonia

I cannot believe I have been away for this long. On Friday I started feeling really unwell. What this means is that every part of my body was hurting. I just knew that something was going down. I decided to sleep it off hoping by the time I woke up I would be feeling at least better. On Saturday, I woke up feeling much better and even went shopping for fruits and vegetables with Tapfuma. As soon as I got home, I started feeling so ill I did not even want to speak - I just needed some peace and quiet. I rested and again felt better by Sunday morning. However, this was not to last for long because despite ignoring the sharp nagging aches and pains by evening I was shaking with chills and yet the house was pretty warm. At first I did not associate the chills with the possibility that I could be having a fever. But, I decided to take my temperature anyway because I was really feeling sick and my chest was hurting so bad. My temperature kept fluctuating between 38° and 38.2°Celsius. I immediately decided to seek medical attention. I had been warned by my Oncologist that if I felt a rise in my temperature I had to go immediately to the hospital emergency room.

I hate going to the emergency but in this instance, I am glad I did because once the triage nurse took my temperature and vitals. She immediately told me it was good that I came in given I am undergoing chemotherapy. She immediately did blood work to check my white blood count (Nutropenia) as that is procedure for someone undergoing chemotherapy. Nutropenia is most often caused by cancer therapies including radiation. Just for information, Neutrophil is one type of White Blood Count which make up the majority of White Blood Cell. For a better definition, they are one part of our body's immune system working to protect us against infection. They are the first responders and quickly appear at the site of infection. Given that neutropenia is caused by cancer treatment, there is really not much one can do to prevent it from occuring. I was bumped and seen by the doctor before other people who had been there before me. Yeah they were upset but hey, I am glad I was given priority treatment. The doctor saw me immediately and I was given a painkiller. He ordered a chest Xray which revealed that I had developed pneumonia which is an inflammation of my lungs following chemotherapy. Ouch! Thank God it was not so bad to warrant admission.

One friend of mine said something very ignorant to me yesterday and I really felt offended. My friend said to me, pneumonia is contagious. Really? Why are people so ignorant? Pneumonia is not contagious. What is pneumonia anyway? It is an infection or inflammation of the lungs. Often, pneumonia begins after some kind of respiratory tract infection such as flu or cold. Often when a person has pneumonia they may have some other illness such as flu or throat infection which may be contagious. So the risk is one catching this other illness and not pneumonia. If you have poor health or your immune system is weak, then there is a risk that one may develop pneumonia later on. If that happens it is because you have a weak immune system which made you develop pneumonia on your own not because you caught pneumonia from someone.

Anyway, I was immediately given antibiotics and a prescription to take home the following morning. We spent the night in emergency. Sucks but, it was necessary. So, my friends I am once again in the confines of my bed re-coupering from this annoying speed bump. On that note, be kind to one another.......

Third Chemotherapy Update

Today, I had my third chemo and I have nothing pleasant to report. I started feeling nauseated just when I started treatment. Aaarrgghh..I felt so weak and just sick today. And then to make the whole process even more annoying my oncology nurse was male and he had this really weird attitude which really aggravated me. Yeah, I was really ticked off! I may be sick but being patronized is one of my biggest pet peeves. One of the manifestations of such patronizing attitude is when people call me names such as, "honey, darling, sweetie or dear". These manifestations come off as an insecure way of subtly putting me beneath you.

So, my Oncology male nurse kept calling me 'sweetie'. You should have seen me, I was simmering under my breath and just kept my cool through mentally counting backwards from 10 to 1. I swear I wanted to deck him between the balls. How rude! Sweetie is not a term of endearment. As far as I am concerned it is condescending and demeaning. Not only is it condescending and sexist but it just means you don't take me seriously as a mature adult. I hate being called sweetie or any other name that is primarily used when speaking to children. I wondered what a nerve! If he was not in a position of power today where he had a needle in hand and administering these toxic drugs through my vein, seriously we would have had a show down. Personally, I feel like its completely inappropriate for anyone to use the term sweetie especially to a stranger let alone a patient. And then, he started talking non stop about his person life. I just wanted to yell, "Shut the f**k up!" I was not feeling well neither was I in the mood for small chit chat about nothing. There, that is my rant and rave for today.

I must say, each chemo is harder than the previous. The only way I can describe this experience is, "Nightmare!" This experience is just life changing and intrudes on every single thing. Each day is a struggle to live through the side effects which seem to get worse with each chemotherapy session. Ya'll chemo sucks! After the chemo ordeal, I am feeling really sick and just need my bed. Allow me some shut eye and will write more soon. Thank you for your patience....

Appointment Pre-chemo

Today, I had my usual regular appointment pre-chemo with my Oncologist. Every two days before chemo I am scheduled first to do the blood work and the results are immediately sent to the Oncologist for review. When someone is undergoing chemotherapy a lot hinges on the blood results that precede each chemotherapy session. Therefore, low counts can indicate serious side effects and can mean that treatment must be postponed while the body heals. So, I did the blood work first and thereafter went to see my Oncologist. The good news is...Drum-Roll people! my blood counts were fine which means my chemotherapy session is on for this Wednesday. My Oncology checked me out and is happy with the progress so far. The tumour is shrinking and does not appear as visibly large as it was before. Now, thats what I am talking about. Stay tuned.....

Compassion Matters

Today I received a very inspiring email from my best friend Sam who is on an international volunteer teaching post at a University in Dakar, Bangladesh. She liked one of my previous posting about my appointment with the Radiation Oncologist, particularly how this doctor made me feel given not only my foul mood but that it was my first time to see him. And he was able to make me lose the attitude and enjoy the whole experience. Sam, thank you for being my rock and my inspiration. Most of all, I am so proud of you for the work you are doing over there. You are giving a gift that keeps on giving! You are the epitome of what I call compassionate in every sense! Not only that, when you learned about my cancer diagnosis, you flew all the way from BC to Toronto and spend a whole week with me accompanying me to doctors' appointments and just making me laugh. You are so amazing and I appreciate you so much! I just want to let you know that things you do for me do not go unnoticed. You are  a necessary piece to my puzzle of life. I love you and I miss you so much....

Anyway, as someone now very much aware of the feelings provoked by this concept, which is often loosely used. I felt compelled to just reflect and ask what does "Compassion" really mean? The basic definition of compassion is simple awareness of suffering of others and wish or desire to want to relieve that suffering. I am thinking that very definition really sounds superficial. It sounds like typical pageant response that, "I want to save the world". I hate to say it but that statement is disrespectful and condescending. People need to be "Empowered" not "Saved". People are not money that can be saved in a bank account thank you very much! Lets, get back to compassion. How can someone relieve someone's situation? Not an easy task because it is very easy in the process to become pitiful and dis-empower the other person. I don't know if I even want to discuss pity because that word leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Pity is just about feeling sorry for the person for whatever they are experiencing without necessarily being able to understand their situation. I think pity is judgemental and more-so a negative attitude that may include aloofness from the person suffering or worse still condescending.

Anyway, some humanitarian intentions are often filled with good intention, but I am sorry, once you put "saving and pity" in the mix, it just sounds so phony. Personally, I would simply define compassion as "suffering with". I feel that compassion is more about feeling with someone rather than just feeling for them. In my book of experience, compassion is trying to put yourself in my shoes for instance. How about just trying to enter my situation from my position, kinda like walk a mile in my shoes. Most important, compassion is dynamic and transcends empathy. You feel it deep inside your stomach and are moved to do something about whatever situation provoked those feelings in the first place. Until then, stay compassionate and walk a mile in other people's shoes. Because, people may not always remember what you did or what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel.

Anticipatory Anxiety prior Every Chemo Session

Today is one of my best days I like to call normal - if anything like that exists at all. I woke up feeling upbeat and normal. I just cooked a nice crockpot of cream of broccoli soup in the picture. Given, anything that tastes like meat has become tasteless and bland, I will stick to vegetarian for now. Even though it makes me feel good to be able to say that I am feeling at my best after a long while, I cannot shake off this depressing anticipatory anxiety which always starts to creep in a few days before D-day. My next chemo round is scheduled for next Wednesday. Just saying that makes me feel so anxious already. I can feel the knots and the churning in my stomach. Like I said before, my stress and anxiety levels start to increase particularly starting from the weekend preceding my next round of chemo. These feelings come just when you think things are getting better. To tell the truth, I cannot seem to get any rest from the dread of chemo because I know it gets worse every time. This dread starts as soon as I am feeling better like today. This whole  freaking out will continue until Wednesday next week and the vicious circle begins all over again.

Anyway, after my last chemo, I spent six days unable to eat with horrible sores in my mouth, nauseated and no appetite. I have mentioned in a previous blog how I know for sure that I will NEVER eat canned soup again. Today, I decided to prepare home made soup and freeze it in preparation for my ordeal next week when the ordeal starts afresh. I made this cream of broccoli soup from scratch and I really felt good knowing that I have this part of the ordeal under control. At least I don't have to worry about sucking on ice chips for days on end. Anyway, I suppose I should stop whining because I have only two more treatments to go before I start radiation. What I hate is people telling me 'Oh, you only have two more to go that should not be so hard!'  I want to yell, "What do you know and punch you in the face". Just open your ears and shut up because noone except someone who has had my experience knows how this whole shit feels. Here is the thing, each chemo session is worse than the previous. So, I have no intention of looking forward to any because its like telling someone to look forward to a slow death. Until next time...... Stay tuned.....

Happy Birthday Tinashe!

Today is my daughter Tinashe's birthday. What can I say that I have not said already. This girl has been there with me from the beginning of this journey and to tell the truth, I don't know what I would have done without her.

My Dearest Tinashe,

The chocolates are supposed to make you salivate since you love anything chocolate!

I know that I have already written a special letter to you earlier on during this journey. So, I promise to keep this one short so that I do not sound redundant or philosophical. Today, you are 27 and I cannot believe it was just yesterday that you were saying, "Mum, I cannot wait to be an adult".  I just feel like I blinked and you turned 27. Time seems to have just gone by so fast. I seem to have blinked and you went from being a baby girl to a young woman experiencing the independence and bliss of navigating the ocean of life figuring out what your path in life is. But, I like to remember the momentous day you were born. On that day, I became the happiest mother alive. You gave me the experience of a lifetime that holds the deepest and most treasured place in my heart.  Every mother's dream to tie ribbons and shop for cute little dresses. Did you know that its easier to shop for girls than boys? You have influenced me and given me a purpose and reason to discover my own potential in order to show you by example how I want you to live your life. Together, we have learned that the future has the potential to drastically alter our priorities. When we learned that I had cancer, the trials and tribulations of everyday gave way to what was most important. We both learned that sometimes, the things we deem as "so important" can become trivial when reality hits home and can see life and death held in front of you. So, live in the moment because you don't know what tomorrow brings.

When I look into your eyes, I see wealth of possibilities bubbling over. The sky is the limit for you! I am so incredibly proud of you!You have amazed me with your intelligence, determination and talent. Whatever you do going forward, do it with your heart. I have no doubt that you are smart and capable to do anything you want as long as you set your mind to it. Never allow anyone to beat you down. And NEVER settle for second best because you deserve the best of the best. Always remember that with love comes both the sweet and the sour. Always listen to your heart and not the nay sayers. Remember that our future is often defined by our choices and not by chances we make along the way. You will find that everyone in your world may have an opinion but at the end of the day, it is up to you to decided what you want or what will make you happy. If you make a mistake, have the courage to admit it. The truth is, it does not matter whether you are forgiven or not. What matters is that you took responsibility. Always remember that no matter how bad a mistake you may make, or pain or regret it may cause, the people who truly love you will see past it because you matter to them more than you may fully realize. Most important, live each day as if it were your last. Believe in yourself and in your dreams.  Always have hope and love will most certainly find you.

Happy, happy Birthday baby girl, I wish you a million days that reflect the possibilities that lie ahead. So, on this beautiful day, my wish for you is that you find the path that leads you to the abundant life you want. May you find the courage and strength to create the world you want for yourself. May you find true love and happiness in one man who deserves you. And, remember, whenever you need me, I will be there for you always. I will always love and you will always be my beautiful baby girl, my one and only Princess.

I love you with all my heart.

Mom

First Appointment with Radiation Oncologist

After my last appointment with my Chemo Oncologist, he had advised me that he was going to schedule an appointment for me to see the Radiation Oncologist just before I complete my chemo rounds. This new oncologist is supposed to plan and oversee my radiation treatment. So, my appointment was scheduled for today at the same hospital just a different wing. When I got there it was packed with so many people and this did not help my crabby mood. I was feeling really unwell, I had aches and pains. I waited for so long before I saw the Oncologist and then after I had been directed to those private rooms in readiness to see him. I thought for a moment, I had been forgotten. I waited and waited, stood up, walked around, twiddled my thumbs and I can assure you I was just so pissed and was ready to lose it.  By the time the Radiation Oncologist came to see me I was at the end of my rope. But, here is the funny part, the guy is so nice and connects with you on such a human level that there is no way I could not smile. He made me forget instantly that I had been feeling very upset.

Anyway, this doctor is so nice that I just feel so blessed that as this journey continues to progress, I keep being connected to such an amazing medical team who connect with me on a human level - more than I can ask for. As usual, the conversation started with how this was going to completely eradicate the cancer cells. Followed by information on how the radiation is going to impact my life - that is the side effects which are not supposed to be as bad as chemo but who knows. After my experience with chemo so far, I feel that the medical people downplay the impact and adverse effects. I don't blame them because if I knew what I know now I think my mental state would be in Cuckooland!  I was given enough information to stress me enough for the rest of the week hence my delay in posting. The cure of this cancer is absolutely worse than the disease.

I was really shocked that I am going to have 15 rounds of radiation. I never imagined it was going to be so much more than even 5. After he said this, I went into a daze and refused to take any further reading material about how this is going to impact my life. Specifically, that the radiation is going to affect my left saliva glands which will stop producing saliva for a long long time. The radiation is going to burn my skin turning it to very dark - like I am not dark already, I will have trouble swallowing. Really? I thought, this is just too much! How much more can I take? I think he noticed that I was visibly shaken. He continued to explained that it was necessary because the radiation would kill any cancer cells left behind that chemo did not get. He said that after chemo there is always a chance that some rogue cancer cells are still in the body and may not be visible on the last PET scan once chemo is done. I will write some more on radiation in another posting.  Until then I am doing a countdown for my chemo appointment next week. Then, the vicious cycle begins again mouth sores, fatigue, tingling, aches and pains, nausea etc, etc. Stay tuned.....

Adapting to this New Normal

To survive this new normal I must adapt or else.. I am screwed. After chemo, the road has remained bumpy with pins and needles on my fingers and numbness still bugging me, hence the delay in posting stuff. Apart from the pins and needles, which I pray are temporary, I develop these horrible mouth sores immediately after chemo treatment. I guess at this point I am allowed to bitch because these suckers are so annoying and painful. To ease the pain, I have to keep swishing with baking soda salt solution every two or three hours including waking up in the middle of the night. I find myself doing this really weird dance in the bathroom because this salt solution does sting and brings these involuntary tears to my eyes. Well, this comes with the territory of chemo toxicity. The day of chemo my mouth begins to burn like there is fire in my mouth and my tongue feels like someone is cutting it with a razor blade. By day two the pain is so intense and my mouth is red and inflammed. Day three up to five is the same story. Now, I have resorted to using a children's toothbrush which is gentler on the gums. The mouth sores are a nuisance if you ask me, not only because of the discomfort they cause but the limitation they pose on eating, swallowing or even talking.

I must say, chemotherapy side effects are worse than cancer. I am sure some people are like what the hell are you saying. Truth be told, if your doctor doesn't tell you you have cancer you would go about your business as normal.  As for chemo, the treatment is grueling and seriously! how do you explain spending time marinating in a stew of toxic stuff? The general feeling of malaise, the vomiting, the unexplainable aches and pains etc. etc. The fatigue that comes with chemo aaarrgggh!!! I am unable to explain it because it feels like you have sleeping sickness. So, listen to my Oncologist and I remain in the comfort of my bed and hope all this rest helps with the recovery process.  I am not going to go into the details of hurling up even when you have eaten nothing. Anyway, as my new normal I know that I have to adapt and persevere. During this time, I have to drink plenty of water and stick to soup. In fact, I don't think I will be able to stand any kind of soup after this journey because I am just so done. The truth is I envy people who don't get sick from chemo. I hate these side effects so much because these mouth sores for example, are very painful and prevent me from eating and enjoying good stuff that I love like smoothies and fresh fruits. I had strawberries today and sang a little song just from the joy of being able to eat something decent. Enough of the whining, I am feeling better after five days of hiatus and nursing side effects. As I celebrate the small stuff, I am happy to report that I am now able to eat and drink especially enjoying the normal! I know this chemo is supposed to be saving me but I just want it to end - RIGHT NOW! Until then, stay tuned.....

A Big Thank You!

Today I just want to appreciate three amazing friends I have made over the years who chose to surprise me with a mini party. Coming to visit me and celebrate our graduation together left me speechless. To, Kinnon all the way from Nova Scotia, Steph all the way from Oakville and Venece it does not matter that you live closer. I appreciate y'all so much for just being there with me on Friday to celebrate our accomplishments when you could have been anywhere else. I had a blast with y'all and I did not want the day to end. Even though I could not eat I appreciate all the treats and flowers you brought. I am just overwhelmed with gratitude for what you have done. I feel so blessed to have such amazing friends standing with me during this difficult time.

To the MSW class of 2011 and my professors, thank you for the beautiful card and the heartfelt messages that left me teary eyed. Thank you for surrounding me with so much love and support. I love you all. You know how they say some friends are gold those you have known longer while others are silver those you have known for a shorter while. I want y'all to know that you are all precious to me.

Second Chemo Update: Harder Than the First

I just had my second chemotherapy and it was harder than the first one. During the process, I felt more pain than the last time as the toxic stuff travelled through my veins. As a result, it took longer than the first one. We had to have some several intermissions as the chemo nurse flushed my veins with saline to alleviate the burning sensation and pain. A hot compress was also placed on my arm and it does help. As the chemo nurse is flushing my vein, I hear this bell ringing kinda like the church bells and I asked if we were having a church service. She laughed and told me this was tradition that every time a patient completes treatment they ring this big bell to celebrate completion of this painful process. I think this is fun and I cannot wait to do the onus. At that moment, I thought well, I should be ringing that bell because today is my graduation from the Masters in Social Work program. Again, congratulations to all my classmates. I wish you all the best! Sounds crazy but I did feel a tard sad because I missed my convocation and just being with my classmates today. Anyway, back to the major story, for some strange reason I felt nauseated throughout the session despite taking the anti-nausea medication before treatment. So, I took some more anti-nausea during chemo. All went well but leaving the clinic, I was just feeling really sore and light headed. I just wanted to head home and be in my bed. Getting home my mouth started feeling the usual burning sensation signifying mouth sores to come. But, now that I am equipped with relevant tools. Mouth washing several times with baking soda and salt in warm water really helps. I also have this Biotene mouthwash which Tapfuma got for me which is amazing. No, its a miracle worker.  I feel more tired than the last time and I have more aches and pains which is all expected. Until then, let me get some more rest.

Excited! I am Graduating from the Masters in Social Work Program!

Rather than being consumed by the sadness of cancer trials and tribulations, today I choose the first principle of transformation which calls us to appreciate ourselves.  I am appreciating my success by just recognizing my accomplishments so far. Not an easy task as I do not wish to sound narcissistic! But, I am taking this very special moment to just acknowledge and give myself deep appreciation of who I am in this world. Yes, peepo, tomorrow is my BIG DAY! I am graduating from the Masters in Social Work program at Ryerson University, Toronto, Canada www.ryerson.ca. Unfortunately, the devastating impact of chemotherapy on my fragile health prevent me from walking the stage and rocking that fabulous bald head as promised. I will rock it in spirit though. But, hey, I am so happy to take this opportunity to celebrate this major milestone with all my classmates. A milestone that included sacrifices, tears, successes including disappointments here and there. To my classmates, a graduation is such an important and rare moment which allows us to celebrate our accomplishments individually and collectively. Lets put on our armour as we all prepare for new experiences and adventures; Continuing with the script, writing the next chapter of our lives which may be scary, stressful or exciting. But, I know we all have what it takes to confront this rocky world. However, I must admit, though the MSW journey was arduous and long, it was worth every bit! A big shout out to ya'll Graduates! and Congratulations MSW Class of 2011! You are the bomb! I wish you all the best! I feel honoured and humbled to be included among the 35 most extraordinary social innovators; movers and shakers who take my breath away. Now, go out there and and be the change we want to see in this world.

As I reflect and introspect, I am filled with emotion as I still cannot fathom how I managed to complete my thesis which was arduous and taxing. It stretched my limits as it involved a lot of research, conducting emotional interviews, transcribing, writing and sleepless nights while at the same time climbing this cancer mountain. How can I forget my taxing clinical social work job at a hospital during all this! Honestly, often, I felt like I was jogging on a treadmill that has no stop button. I could not have done it without the support of my thesis supervisor Dr. Jennifer Poole, my mentor extraordinaire who kept me focused! I am still in awe of her patience as I muddled through the sticky mud and maze of a thesis journey. I just blinked and shed a little bit of tears, because this Masters journey has come full circle and feels surreal. A full circle for a humble girl from Harare, Zimbabwe who dared to dream big, travelled the globe as a diplomatic international civil servant for eleven years with a re-known International Development Bank and ultimately turning into an international citizen without borders. And, most of all dared not to quit at every turn of the moment; Always looking at obstacles as an opportunity to remove limits. And, always knowing that winners are not those who never fail, but those who never quit. I did all this because my strength lies in my tenacity and recognition that living for a higher purpose increases abundance. Who said you stop dreaming just because you are ill?

To, my children, Tinotenda, Tinashe and Tapfuma, I liken you to the air that I breathe. You are my everything! And, you were my biggest cheerleaders during this tough thesis journey picking me up when I almost gave up! Thank you for your immeasurable and calm support. This diploma belongs to you too for playing different roles in your own different ways!  I could not have done this without ya'll. This diploma signifies obstacles I have overcome in the past and those I continue to negotiate in the present. My goal remains the same, overcoming and singing "Victorious!" at the end of it all. The truth is - this Masters experience, allowed me to discover more about myself. Specifically, that I am capable of doing so much more than I care to give myself credit for. Most important, I made life long friends who continue to fervently support me during my own new chapter of this cancer journey. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate ya'll!

Through all this, my motivation was a simple goal to achieve and succeed. This goal led to culmination of wearing this strange convocation outfit and recognition of the journey that I have walked to be here today. I have finally achieved my Masters Degree - my life long dream. This, stands as a constant reminder to myself, that no matter how tough this cancer journey may be, I have what it takes. I have overcome so much obstacles already to be here today. With this big achievement I just want to shout out, Hoorah! and do the Happy Dance at the same time. But, I will save myself the strain caused by unexplainable pain and neuropathy for now. Yes, for now, because once I get my groove back, you betcha! I am gonna do just that and more celebrate -with swagga. Just the idea that I am graduating tomorrow motivates me to want to beat this cancer even much more. I cannot wait to be that change needed in the world. So, this is my story of triumph and delight ya'll! I will continue to be a champion who gets up, even when I am unable. So, remember peepo, when you reach the end of your rope, just tie a knot and hang on.... Remember to stay motivated no matter your obstacles. Stay tuned.....

I Have Neuropathy - Feels Like Pins and Needles

I hope you will all bear with me as these pins and needles attack my hands and feet. I have neuropathy one of the dreaded side effects of chemotherapy treatment. I feel like someone is poking me continuously with pins and needles at the tip of my fingertips and my toes.  It hurts and disables me from doing the simple things I love to do like typing for example. After my first round of chemo, my arm where I had the IV has been very sore for the past week and a half and I could not lift it up. This weekend, I thought now that the arm is feeling better, I can celebrate normalcy a bit. But, not so fast, three days ago, I started feeling nerve pain, tingling and burning sensation in my fingers and toes. I could not type or do simple stuff. I thought well, maybe this will go away. But, the tingling has now turned into loss of sensation.

So, I saw my Oncologist today who explained that this was a chemo side effect called chemo induced peripheral neuropathy where nerves that transmit sensation from the extremities to the central nervous system are damaged. Peripheral nerves are responsible for sensations you feel such as touch, pain or temperature. I know, it sounds like jargon, I just heard, central nervous system blah blah blah. Anyway, the bottom line is I have lost sensation in my fingers and toes making it hard for me to type. I guess, for me now the need for treatment is more urgent than the residual nerve damage. It may go away or may get worse. So, for now, I will cope with this neuropathy and make the best of my situation. With that said, I hope you will all bear with me when I delay to post as I manage and try to cope with this new neurological development. While I have lost sensation in my fingers and toes, the good news is I have dramatically experienced weight loss of 10 pounds in a short space of time. I thought wow! this cancer is doing a real "Zumba Fitness Party" number on me. When the nurse said this is too much sudden weight loss I think we should speak to the doctor about it. I was like, "Hell no! Do you know how much I have been working out in the gym before all this cancer stuff just to lose a mere pound?" We really laughed about this and it dawned on me that, I may have a difficult cancer journey but at the end of it all, I am gaining something effortlessly. Everyday holds a possibility of a miracle.... So, for everything I have missed, I am gaining something else. Until then, I will continue to walk this purple journey with much grace and determination....

Look Good Feel Great

I apologize for going missing in action! Let me tell ya'll when you are going through chemotherapy treatment its like you accept a new normal. Things do get rough at times where some days you just crawl through and some days you just want to forget. So, I am taking one day at a time and embracing it all, the good and the bad and the ugly as a way to move ahead. I always thought I had pretty good concept of living one day at a time before, but I can assure ya'll, now this concept is even more true for me than ever before. Now, I start each day with thankfulness instead of whining and moaning. I try to look for joy and humour in each day. It is working and I am glad for this new me. Well, don't get me wrong, this does in no way mean my days of bitching and whining are over. It simply means my priority now is finding joy and beauty in each day and hopefully try to wake up every morning with a smile.

This week I had the pleasure of attending a "Look Good Feel Better Workshop" for women with cancer courtesy referral by my lovely Oncologist. I am so glad I attended this free workshop because its totally what I needed. For anyone going through the same cancer journey, this organization is international and you can google and find your location. There is a special bonding and feeling you experience when you are among other cancer warriors. The experience is eye opening as you receive wisdom from others as they share their journeys with you and you realize that you are all on the path to finding your best in life.So, here is the thing, The Look Good Feel Better is a charitable foundation of the Canadian Cosmetic, Toiletry and Fragrance Association. It is dedicated to empowering women with managing the effects of cancer and treatment on appearance and morale. I must say, the workshop does exactly what it means, you will look good and you will feel better after spending time with other women with different kinds of cancer in a safe and supportive environment.

We shared stories, insights, we had laughter and yes, sometimes tears but in the end we all left feeling so good about ourselves. No wonder they call it "makeover for the spirit". The highlight of the workshop is the step by step instructional on how to do a makeover led by cosmetology professionals using products donated by the cosmetic industry. At the end of the workshop we all took home instruction booklets and complimentary cosmetic kits (big box) valued at US$500. In fact, I have not finished checking everything out its so much from cleansers, foundation, face powder, cuticle cream, eye cream, lipstick etc, etc. Oh Gosh! it is so much. I really appreciated this makeover for my spirit and the cosmetic kit was a bonus! After the makeover, we went through a session of different ways to tie our bald heads with scarfs without using a mirror. We also had an opportunity to see different kinds of specialty scarfs available to us. Now, I have become religious in making sure I look good whether I am in the house or going for doctor appointments because that is what it means to live each day as if it is the last - to stop worrying about the future because it has not yet come. Therefore, staying in the present and just making it beautiful and worth remembering is the name of the game. Remember, life is not a rehearsal - every moment counts. I am learning to live life to the fullest and making a concerted effort to remember to wake up each day with a smile. Maybe you can all try to do the same. Until then......

Goodbye Sister Locs (very thin dread locs) Hello Baldy Head

That's a shot of me embracing my bald swagga! Tapfuma thanks for that great shot and making me feel better after the ordeal! When it comes to losing hair, I must admit, the truth of the matter is it can be a very emotional experience. You will all recall how I have been stressing about losing my hair and how many times the Oncologist, nurses, case manager, the list goes on and on. Oh Gosh, this hair thing appears to be a hot topic in cancer treatment. They all advised me that hair loss was inevitable and that I should be prepared emotionally and mentally. Although annoying, I am glad I was reminded of this at every appointment as it allowed me time to process my emotions. So the A in my ABVD chemo treatment is the drug that causes hair loss. This occurs because of how chemotherapy targets all rapidly dividing cells i.e. the dividing cancer cells including the healthy cells. Who knew, hair cells are the fastest growing cells in the body. If you are not undergoing chemotherapy your hair follicles divide every 23 to 73 hours. How about that? Gosh! Scientific evidence has a way of really encouraging when doubt starts to creep in.

As soon as I knew chemotherapy and radiation would be part of my treatment regimen, instead of waiting for the inevitable I went to the barber and had my hair buzzed. I am glad I did because after my first chemo my mouth was burning and my head was burning and itchy. I thought gee! why am I having all the side effects simultaneously. I later learned that the burning is the beginning of hair falling off and the burning in my mouth turned into sores. I could not imagine seeing my locs falling off one by one. That would have been tragic. That experience, I knew would have caused me great emotional distress. So I made a pre-emptive choice and truth be told, it was empowering and exhilarating. This move allowed me an emotional advantage and for once I felt in control of part of my roller-coaster journey. In fact, it appears my partner took my hair loss more badly than I did. What I told myself was that this bald head may be outside societal norms but, at the end of the day I was like hey, I am beautiful with or without the hair. I kept telling myself that my hair will eventually grow back again even prettier. I say so because I believe when you lose your hair through chemo it does not come back the same - it comes back usually thicker but more curly and soft. So, my mental image of regrowth is that of even more beautiful curly hair who knows I may soon be donning a new look altogether. I can assure you, there was no pity party - no nothing just getting down to business and allowing the feeling of sadness to engulf me and allowing it to pass. After that process, I embraced my going bald and now I am looking for scarfs and hats that can rock my new look - maybe a wig who knows. I decided what the heck? Why stress about my hair after all the same toxic chemotherapy is hopefully giving me a new lease of life? So, Amen to that! All in all, a bald head is the least of my problems. I am holding on tightly to that life rope, rocking my bald head and keeping my chin up!

Happy Thanksgiving Ya'll!

Everyday is a new beginning. Today I woke up with low energy but with a renewed spiritual energy and fully aware that going forward I needed to count my blessings one lovely time at a time. It dawned on me that life's hurricanes and earthquakes are part of blessings. I became cognizant of how forgetting to count blessings can cause an intense fog that stops you from seeing the good in your life. To my nieces Hermana (UK), Tendayi (Boston) and my dear friend Krissy (Victoria, BC) thank you for the lovely messages. My dear sisters Charity Majuru (UK) and Connie Kadiyole (Indiana), thank you for giving me such a wonderful thanksgiving gift.  Moreblessing (UK), I appreciate you so much. Thank you for the gift! Esther Guzha (Toronto)(you such a selfless person thank you for being in my life. You are always there cleaning and taking me to the doctor and attending to my silly whims) and your son Sifelani (Toronto), what can I say thank you so much for the gift of love. (thats why they say kuwanda huuya! or Ubuntu!) I can't even translate that into English otherwise it will lose its profound meaning. But, I will try for my friends who do not understand the indigenous languages of Southern Africa. Ubuntu is a Southern African philosophy that speaks to the essence of being human, that in this world we do not exist alone because we are all interconnected. A person with Ubuntu is known for their generosity.

I am eternally grateful that though I may feel lonely at times, the truth is I am not alone. With your constant support, I am self-assured that I belong to a greater whole. I appreciate your shared concern and support. You all reminded me how truly blessed I am. You helped me remember that when you count your problems and if for some strange reason they out-number your blessings, then you need to count again because the chances are that the things (blessings) I may be taking for granted were not added to the list. Yes, counting my blessing includes the good, the bad and the ugly. As I focused on my blessings, within a short space of time I felt my spirits lifted on high. That is when I realized that its very easy to get lost in stuff that has not happened or the what ifs of life. For real, it is easy to get lost in the fog and trivial life stressors such that we become blinded to the wonders that are the everyday blessings that pour magic into our lives. I am truly grateful and acknowledge the tremendous blessings in my life. I feel enveloped by love and the tremendous out-pour of support I am receiving from family and friends. I have so many things to be grateful for. The list is endless! I am grateful even for the warmth of my bed and the roof over my head. I am counting all my blessings one by one, daily and hourly because I know, those who are a blessing to me today maybe gone tomorrow. So, I embrace and I appreciate ya'll! Most important, I am grateful that each day given to me is a blessing, even those days that I have whined and bitched about how I am feeling all crappy or weepy. I have able hands to drive, carry my shopping bags and even write these words and share with others. I have a mouth to speak and a voice that can be heard without fearing someone will silence me at any point. I am still kicking ass! With that said, I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!