Anticipatory Anxiety prior Every Chemo Session

Today is one of my best days I like to call normal - if anything like that exists at all. I woke up feeling upbeat and normal. I just cooked a nice crockpot of cream of broccoli soup in the picture. Given, anything that tastes like meat has become tasteless and bland, I will stick to vegetarian for now. Even though it makes me feel good to be able to say that I am feeling at my best after a long while, I cannot shake off this depressing anticipatory anxiety which always starts to creep in a few days before D-day. My next chemo round is scheduled for next Wednesday. Just saying that makes me feel so anxious already. I can feel the knots and the churning in my stomach. Like I said before, my stress and anxiety levels start to increase particularly starting from the weekend preceding my next round of chemo. These feelings come just when you think things are getting better. To tell the truth, I cannot seem to get any rest from the dread of chemo because I know it gets worse every time. This dread starts as soon as I am feeling better like today. This whole  freaking out will continue until Wednesday next week and the vicious circle begins all over again.

Anyway, after my last chemo, I spent six days unable to eat with horrible sores in my mouth, nauseated and no appetite. I have mentioned in a previous blog how I know for sure that I will NEVER eat canned soup again. Today, I decided to prepare home made soup and freeze it in preparation for my ordeal next week when the ordeal starts afresh. I made this cream of broccoli soup from scratch and I really felt good knowing that I have this part of the ordeal under control. At least I don't have to worry about sucking on ice chips for days on end. Anyway, I suppose I should stop whining because I have only two more treatments to go before I start radiation. What I hate is people telling me 'Oh, you only have two more to go that should not be so hard!'  I want to yell, "What do you know and punch you in the face". Just open your ears and shut up because noone except someone who has had my experience knows how this whole shit feels. Here is the thing, each chemo session is worse than the previous. So, I have no intention of looking forward to any because its like telling someone to look forward to a slow death. Until next time...... Stay tuned.....