Fabulous Five-Oh!

Today, I often do forget how old I am. I need some digital calculator to subtract the year I was born from today's date to figure it out. I don't worry about or celebrate "years" anymore. I am just happy to be here. Happy to have family and friends I love. Happy to have fulfilling work. Just plain happy to be alive and well. I now celebrate my birthday everyday when I wake up - It is a new birth for me. It means I made it another day. I no longer care how old I am getting. Just grateful to be alive and sharing precious time with those I love and can't be without. Every year is a step forward away from the year I had to fight for my life. Before cancer, I took everything for granted. Now, I appreciate every new day. When I hear people complain, I have to think before I respond, because someone who has not been through cancer, cannot appreciate life and all that it brings. It feels great to be alive.

If I had to sum up my 50th Birthday Anniversary in one word, the word would be "Fabulous".  The amazing people in my life made great such effort in making my birthday just beautiful and memorable! Milestones Restaurant was just appropriate for the occasion. A milestone indeed!  I just want to thank all my family and friends for the overwhelming birthday wishes and cheer. Thank you for your continued love, support and encouragement throughout my crisis and personal struggles. Most important, a big thank you to everyone for a lovely birthday dinner. It was absolutely fabulous and great to get together with everyone and just be present in the moment. I just think we all needed that because we sure had good food and good laughs. Wow! I love y'all thank you for making me feel so special and loved.

Oh No....the Big 50 Five-OH!!!

For those of you who are not in the loop, tomorrow is my birthday so I thought that I might blog about what this means for me especially after cancer. Tomorrow, I will turn 50 years old. It is my first birthday since being diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma and going through chemo and radiation. I am just happy to be here and have the sun shining in this often cold place. I don't care how old I am turning. Some people would be thinking wow! that is jubilee celebrations - it gotta be big or how will I put it together. For me, all that is far from my thoughts. I know that at 50 "Ahhhh... is the sound I will make every time I sit down in a chair from now on and Uhhhhh... is the sound I will make every time I get up from a chair from now on. Then, I am thinking, as you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes and oops! I can't remember the other two... Good Lord, I am thinking this is crazy..

And... yeah  I remember before my diagnosis, I always said I would want my 50th to be big and fabulous. But, now my thoughts are very far and a bit different. I am thinking,Wow! I made it! I am looking back and doing a lot of reflection on what happened in my life just this past year and how much I have changed.....Don't get me wrong, I do feel privileged reaching this milestone but, I cannot shake off the feeling of my friends I journeyed with during chemo and did not make it. You are forever in my heart. May God rest your body and soul in peace. As the days got closer I kept thinking about the cancer friends I met during treatment and during this journey particularly those that are still struggling more than me. I could not help but keep thinking about those cancer friends I have lost over this short year. I survived and I feel privileged! Most of my friends and my family really wanted a big celebration but I found myself wanting really solitude.

Anyway, here I am after my diagnosis. I have a whole life ahead of me though much different than I had planned prior to my diagnosis. I keep wondering who would I be and what would I be doing had cancer never found its way into my life. This sure was a dramatic curve ball thrown my way which changed everything and will continue to change who I am for the rest of my life. But, the key thing is that I have my life and therefore, I will celebrate that with utmost joy and respect. Life is one of those rare gifts that I hold very close to my heart. I welcome this 50th birthday anniverary and look forward to an amazing year filled with new adventures and dreams to particularly run a marathon for Cancer cure next year.

With that said, I must admit that before cancer, I took everything for granted. Now, I appreciate every new day and put as much as I can into a day. In fact, when I hear people complain about little things, I have to take a pause and think before snapping at them because someone who has not been through cancer cannot appreciate life and all that it brings. I am grateful for every person I encountered throughout my journey. You are the charming gardeners who make my soul blossom! 

Well, who knows whats gonna happen... To keep your spot in the loop, just stay tuned for the big Five-Oh! news..

xoxo

My Daughter got hit by a taxi cab driver

Today of all days I am down with a severe respiratory infection and recovering from the surgery. Then, I get this phone call that Tinashe had been hit by a car. On receiving the news, I just felt numb and could not get out my bed. You know how when you receive such news you just have this feeling that someone is not telling you everything. Anyway, what happened was, Tinashe was cycling as she always does on one of our very busy streets and this taxi cab driver carelessly hit her dragged into the other lane where another car was coming from another direction. As she fell on the pavement the bike was on top of her, she says she saw the other coming towards her, almost running her over. But, she could not move an inch. She talks about the kind of shock that paralyses you and leaves you helpless.

First off, thank God, she was wearing a helmet which she had just purchased the previous day. Secondly, thank God the other motorist was able to apply brakes right in front of where she was lying down. The guy, I am told was so shaken but was able to lift Tinashe out of the road in case another car came speeding. He was visibly shaken and kept saying I almost killed you. He was so shaken he could not drive his car and had to ask someone else to come and drive him.

Anyway that is the good guy, now the taxi guy he starts yelling at Tinashe that,"you are affecting my livelihood"! And he does not even care to see if she is okay. I am still scratching my head.... Can you believe some careless drivers??? Anyway, the public came to her rescue before the police came on the scene. The public really told this guy off that he should be placed behind bars for his callousness. I love Torontonians, they are still beautiful people around..  Let me just take this opportunity to appreciate the heroes that were the first respondents. It was the public that gathered around and held her hand and comforted her. Even, one stranger accompanied her to the hospital. There are still good people around..... Once the police came and ambulance, she was taken to the hospital and is doing fine. She hurt her back and her right arm which is in a brace support bandage. She suffered whiplash and torn tendons. As for the taxi guy, his license was suspended and hopefully she can sue for damages and loss of income for the time she is unable to perform normal daily tasks. What is interesting about all this is how much she was minimizing her experience. As always, putting me first. She kept saying I am the one who is sick yet it was obvious that she was injured yet remained selfless as always. What would I do really without this amazing daughter that God gave me??? Always ready to give without expecting anything in return. I love you Tinashe and I am wishing you a speedy recovery....

xoxo

I am still here....Updates

It seems like ages since I have posted updates so I thought it was about time I updated y'all properly on what has been going on in my world. You know I miss y'all. And, thank you to all those who have inboxed checking up on me. A lot has been happening with me these past few weeks. You have not heard from me in a while because I figured, why not blog when things are looking up rather than blog about sad and depressing stuff. While I do feel guilty at times about this I find myself pausing and reminding myself what this blog was really about, RESOLVING TO LIVE and if I am doing that, it means I don't always have to be a Debbie Downer but breathe LIFE! Of course, the side effects are still in force. My saliva is still missing in action and the fatigue continues. Sometimes I feel like a centenarian - yeah over 100 years old believe me. But, as always I remain hopeful that this will all go away at some point with all the abundant love surrounding me and the gym tonic...I recharge every time I go to the gym its been working miracles so far.

I know the worst appears to be over and I am coping extremely well, healing, adjusting to work/life balance and rebuilding in every sense of the word. Often, it feels like a real chore - the truth is, the illness, the pain, the terror of almost dying shattered something in my soul. So, as much as many people talk about healing and moving on, I believe there is no such thing because the trauma remains deeply etched in my brain. Life is never the same after cancer. I do have those occasional pity party moments but try to remain positive. Just to give y'all an update and assure everyone that I have not gone anywhere. Am still here and kicking cancer's ass in spite of.... all the above!  I still worry that the cancer may come back but I know that whatever happens I will be able to deal with it. As always, I have control over my diet, exercise and attitude but there are some things in life we can never control. With that said, I promise to work hard on continuing this blog and reminding everyone who reads my blog that there is life after cancer. The journey may be difficult but once you get there it can be pretty amazing.

Anyway, the last time you heard from me, I had a golf ball size swelling on my jaw. I went to see my Oncologist last week and he referred me back to the Oncologist Surgeon who had initially done my biopsy at the beginning of this journey. Boy! when that happened, I was shocked and I just stopped in my tracks. Many things going through my mind.... First, I thought, wow, has the cancer made a return? Then, I also remembered how painful the surgical biopsy was and I was overwhelmed with emotion. I wept, because I thought this sure feels like a classic snakes and ladder's game which I am not keen on playing at all. Then, I recalled how I had been mistreated during the beginning of this cancer journey. I felt like asking my oncologist to refer me to someone else. But, remember last time I talked about hitting the refresh button. Well, I did just that, I hit the refresh button on life and it seems to really help because it gave me a clean slate and a dose of courage to confront life curve balls every time they are thrown at me.

As always, I went in with my rock, Tinashe by my side, just nervous and anxious but carrying the ever blazing optimistic torch. The good news is, this guy unlike last time, actually remembered me, including my first name and treated me so well. We were both dumb founded. He told me that I had an inflammed abscess and proceeded to explain what was going to happen before doing the incision and drainage. Yeah it was quite painful because apparently anaesthesia does not really work on an inflammed part of the skin. Still the good news is, I felt like the red carpet was rolled out for me despite the very painful procedure. From his assistant up to the residents, nurses, I just felt like a VIP. After the unpleasant procedure, I continued taking my antibiotics and pain meds and within a few days felt much better. The swelling actually went down within a few days which made happy. But, that does not mean I am out of the woods yet.

So far, I just have a scar on my cheek a reminder of this never ending journey called cancer. No wonder its called a journey! Now, I am waiting for my next appointment in August where the same surgeon will do a CT Scan and insert a camera through my nose to determine why I had the inflammation in the first place. He wants to make sure I do not have any hodgkins tumours growing again under the abscess. So, stay tuned for that part of the journey.

Until then, "Dream as if you will live forever and live as if you will die today"...

xoxo

Life is a Gift, Don't Take it for Granted....

I may have a marble sized lump no now it looks like a golfball size on my jaw and half my face is now hanging from swelling and am really really feeling sore, but that ain't gonna stop me from living my life. I understand though that life can be hard hence it isn't really tied up with a fancy or pretty ribbon, but it is still a gift. There is always, always something to be grateful for. So, today, I am grateful for what I have and what I am. I am thankful for even the birds chirping outside my bedroom window. I feel like they are singing for me singing just for me. Saying, "Good morning Dorothee, today is another day, you made it! Just make it joyful!"

Life is beautiful and I am grateful and thankful. I am grateful to my children, family and friends - they make me happy and are the charming gardeners who make my soul blossom! Catherine Kahari, you bring tears to my eyes. Thank you for putting me on speed dial and checking on me relentlessly. Victor Kahari, I love you and I appreciate your love. I am just grateful to so many of y'all the list is so long and I am eternally grateful! I am grateful to strangers who have shown me little acts of kindness. I am grateful for each new challenge because it builds my strength and character. How can I not say life is beautiful with all the love and blessings surrounding me?

In my little world, I continue to strive to live every minute with love, grace and gratitude.Waking up every morning is a special gift that we should all cherish. Imagine that we have lungs that breathe, a heart that beats, eyes that see and the capacity to love and change lives whenever possible. Of course there will always be hardships and things to overcome but we need to remember all the simple things that we forget to be thankful for. I am grateful for so many things and now, every morning when I wake up I say out loudly that, "I am grateful for today and cannot wait for it to begin". Even if turns south as the other past few days. I am still filled with gratitude. The swelling is getting bigger and it is very sore but I am still grateful for many things. By the way, when was the last time you looked in the mirror and really seen who you are? What do you see? Did you come up with words like, beautiful, confident, decadent, influential, inspiring and gorgeous? If you didn't please do it again because giving gratitude is the most powerful way to increase your well-being. I do understand though that there are times when our lights just go off, but often get rekindled by other people. So, we all have cause to be grateful to those who have lighted the flame within us. For me, the list is so long. I am grateful to y'all and I appreciate you!

Before my diagnosis, I would have said that I was a woman of faith. What is faith? It is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. Easier said than done. However, I had no idea how that faith would hold up under such challenging circumstances. I am humbled to say that I have been given strength beyond my greatest hopes. I remain realistically optimistic even though there are those moments of sadness which overwhelm me. But, I refuse to let cancer rule my life. I have chosen to live each day with hope and great joy. This above all else is my source of strength. When I think about life, its funny how I never paid much attention to the words, 'live each day as if it were last" until my cancer diagnosis. Every morning I look in the mirror and say to myself, "Today, I want to fill my life with memorable experiences". By the way, having cancer did not change my personality - I still get annoyed and irritated at little things in life, loud and chatty people annoy me at times and especially people who like to be all in my face all the time and suffocating me unnecessarily.

Hodgkins has enabled me to have those moments when I can stop in my tracks to appreciate all the beauty that surrounds me; the blooming flowers adorning many frontyards and backyards, the beautiful blue sky and birds chirping away in the bright blue sky. Cancer gave me moments of simple appreciation for just being alive. I guess cancer somehow gave me eyes to see the beauty in life that I never took the time to see before. I have learned that each day is precious and that not one person is promised tomorrow. Indeed, this is a hard way to learn what is important in life. For me, it is family and friends. So, people, take care of yourselves because you have the option and ability to do so. Be the best possible you. Be thankful for being alive and having a chance to do anything you please and with that don't let yourself down. Become something huge, just because you can. Do something remarkable, just because you can. Don't sit around waiting for life to happen to you, create it.

LIVE, LOVE AND LAUGH! Because no one knows what the future will hold. So, live each day as if it were last....

Oh NO, Back to Square One? Hitting the Refresh Button on Life...

Am I back to square one, where it all started? "It"? what is "It"? I can't believe I am using euphemisms. What I mean is where this whole cancer journey started. Gees, this life is sure like a snakes and ladders board game. Really, am I back to square one??? Lately, I have been posing that question to myself a lot as I feel like I hit the refresh button on life. My emotions are all over the place.

After seeing my radiation oncologist on Wednesday (yesterday) and being told that he was referring me back to the oncologist surgeon (located at a different hospital) who performed the original biopsy for yet another surgical procedure and further testing. Wow! so many questions going through my mind and a million thoughts of what this could mean. Just trying to wrap my mind around everything that is going on. What does this really mean? Well, I may not have answers right now but I am not obsessing about it. I am taking it as one of life curve balls thrown at me. I am trying to stay strong. Kinda like fake it until I make it. I am just taking deep breaths and rejoicing in the things that are present. I am here now and thats all that matters...

The truth is, after my oncologist said, "I have to refer you back to the oncology surgeon".  I had a deja vu episode.... overwhelming weird and frightening deja vu feelings - the kind of feeling that I know that I have already lived and experienced this not so pretty encounter. If you read my earlier blog postings last year you will understand why I am feeling the way I am feeling right now. The truth is, I had refreshed my browser of life and had started to look forward to moving on to new stories. You can't blame a girl for wanting to move on. The cancer journey may be the hardest journey anyone can ever be on, but the greatest thing for me is that I have my family and friends who provide such big comfort and joy.

Anyway, the good news is unlike the last time where I had to wait for 2 months to have the biopsy done, and only got an earlier appointment after I raised a stinker. This time its different. Phew! that experience was very stressful. This time, I am incredibly impressed. I saw my radiation oncologist on Wednesday and today, Thursday (the following day) I got a call from my dear friend surgeon oncologist that he will see me next week on Tuesday. That is a total record short wait of only 4 days. These are moments I am counting my blessings one by one and naming them one by one. Anyway, since this is at a different hospital, I am now looking for my hospital card because I thought I was done with that part of the journey. No big deal though cause I can get a new card if I don't find it. What is funny about all this is how I had closed that chapter of my life preemptively. Remember how I have loved speaking about all these things in the past tense????? Aahh... such is life that we sometimes have a tendency to look on the more favourable side of events rather than the latter. Its called optimism - a tendency to make lemons out of lemonade and to see the glass as half full when its half empty.

Generally speaking, I am an optimist by nature. Have always been. But, since this journey I have learned something new about this whole idea of optimism. I have wondered why do we have to think positive all the time? On reflection, I realize its okay that I don't have to be positive all the time. Hence, I allow myself those moments when I will rant and whine because I know that is okay too as long as I come back to sanity. I can try to come to terms with my fears and for sure I have lots of them, but at the same time I can also prepare for the worst. Just like the old saying, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Thats exactly how I am dealing with my life which often feels so fragile. So, bear with me as I bear with myself.

Regardless of everything that is going on, I am determined to continue with those activities that lead to true health and well being, such as prayer, exercise, good dietary habits, un-clattering my mind, pampering myself, laughing more from the belly, getting enough sleep that actually gives rest and most important keeping up my personal appearances. All these things help make a challenging situation a tard more bearable. It also is a wonderful opportunity to become more introspective and make strides in personal growth.

Until then, stay tuned as I have just hit the refresh button on the web browser of life and starting all over again......

Im-port-ant News...

Boy oh boy. After a good spell of wellness, I thought I was closing down this chapter of my life for now, but not so fast. How I hate posting about feeling unwell when things were beginning to look up. Was not able to go to work yesterday and today.  I am feeling sad because after having enjoyed a spell of wellness and just being back on my feet and what I supposedly love to call my new normal, I am having a small speed bump as I like to call it. The swelling seems to keep growing and I have stopped looking at myself in the mirror for fear of panicking myself or triggering an anxiety attack. The pain is excruciating which is frustrating because I hate taking these very strong painkillers which knock me out of commission. I am seeing my oncologist today and I hope he can give me a proper calming overview of what exactly is going on. By the way, yesterday I did feel so great because all my doctors were all concerned about me and calling me to make sure everything was fine and letting me know what the next steps are. That felt really good, just knowing that my healthcare team is on point. Sometimes you don't need just medication to make you feel better. You just need other people to show that they care and make you feel really good inside and thats exactly how I feel right now. I love you my healthcare team! Its called food for the soul. I am encouraged as I proceed.... Gotta go now don't wanna be late for my appointment with the oncologist.

Until then, I guess you have to stay tuned and lets all hope for the best.......

After the Scare, How am I?

How am I? I always ask myself? Sometimes, I feel confident but sometimes I do feel scared. It can feel good to be done with treatment but at the same time it can be stressful. Everyday, I worry about the cancer coming back. I guess it will take a while for me to feel confident and have these constant fears somewhat relieved. I still feel constantly tired and achy but I should admit that I am on the improve. I still don't produce saliva in my mouth - a hallmark of radiation induced salivary gland dysfunction (a condition called Xerostomia or cotton mouth) and struggle with a very dry mouth and food tastes like sand and have difficulty swallowing, but I don't have cancer for now, so who cares about those things??? I take it as slow process of healing and appreciate the other good things in my life. Just looking at life as a big canvas

and summing it up in three words, "It Goes On"....

Granted, I had been taking the antibiotic prescribed by my radiation oncologist, I had hoped to feel better. Are you thinking what I think you are thinking? I did too, I thought shit! the tumours have come back. I was petrified! Remember the uncertainty I have talked about before? It can be nerve racking. As I checked myself in the mirror and I saw this incredibly big swelling on my left jaw I thought, "Did the combination chemo and radiation work? Why do some lymph nodes still feel so enlarged and painful too? Is this Hodgkin's still there? Has it come back again? A hundred questions filled my mind but one thing I know for sure is that I didn't panic. I guess its because since after treatment, I have found it really hard to get back to normal. I just feel so drained and fragile. Sometimes, I wake up feeling like I cannot cope with any more of life's challenges. But, I am glad that I have kept pushing myself to get back to normal understanding that what I went through was indeed life-changing. I may be scared but what I know for sure is no matter whats going on, I am concentrating on enjoying the present and being well again for the time being.

After my last post, the marble size lump grew bigger to kinda like golf ball size and it was throbbing and I could not stand anyone touching me on that spot. I could not turn my neck and my ear felt like it was going to blow up. Aarrrggh! That scared me out of my boots! We went to the emergency yesterday and after several tests the lump turned out to be an abscess and I hope its just that. The ER doctor performed what is called a needle aspiration and sent me home with a strong antibiotic and strong painkiller. A culture of the drainage was sent to the lab for further investigation. To aspirate is to withdraw fluid with a syringe after inserting the needle and pulling back on the plunger of the syringe. The freezing injection on my cheek was painful and yes, I screamed. But, I did not feel anything during the aspiration process. This young doctor was amazing! You may be wondering. Tinashe was there as usual holding my hand. This girl has become so strong she didn't even look away during the mini procedure. Now, you can agree why I keep saying she is my ROCK! She is always there for me, unshakeable, always calm, always dependable, always full of positive attitude, always supportive and always strong.

Tinashe, you are my rock and I count you as my privilege. Thank you for standing by me through thick and thin. I am grateful knowing that I can count on your strength. I am grateful that I can ask for your support and know you will go to any length. Your comfort soothes and brings me back to what is priority in life.

And, thank y'all for the beautiful messages and your continued support!! I appreciate y'all and could never do this without you! The biggest thing for me in all this is knowing the people that are special to me and how wide that network is. I would not be here writing this without all your support. Thank you and I love y'all......


Until next time y'all, be kind and be good to yourself......

I Look Okay But, I am Not Okay....

Let me start with sharing good stuff! the I look okay factor! My hair has started growing now after all the boohoo chemo nightmare and tears! Who can forget the tears of losing my sister locs/dread locs and the brief wig drama! The funny part, is my hair came back different! I am so happy its back and I don't have to wear hats, scarfs or a wig, that I don't care much about. I have also always wanted curls and now I have them. I have heard many different things that hair comes back one way then after a few months goes back to how it was. If curls will stay (Yay!) If curls are temporary (Boo..) the texture has changed baby fine curly and cute. I love my new hair! Tinashe is always enjoying and playing with the little curls. Looks nice, so I am told. LOL!! The oncologist had told me it may come out grey but nope, its black, curly and cute!

After riding the Hodgkins bus, the end of treatment can be challenging as I am finding out. As I reflect on the profound physical and emotional assaults to which I have been subjected to - the feeling is surreal. It does not feel like it happened to me. I have developed a mask that I put on in order to hide some of my real feelings, particularly from unwittingly insensitive or unhelpful remarks. For instance, I have learned to smile when someone says cheerily, "You look really well" when I am actually feeling terrible. Many people think that cancer is like other illnesses where once treatment is complete the disease is cured and you are better. Surprise, surprise, cancer is infinitely more complex than that simplistic analysis. The end of treatment is the beginning of something else. It is a rebuilding process that requires management and direction. Just to put it lightly, I am still reflecting on what I have been through and trying to put everything in its rightful place in my personal life autobiography or history.

Wait a minute.... allow me to say this again. When you finish treatment this cancer roller coaster is never over. Trust me.... Remember I have mentioned how these first few months post-treatment have been a time of change for me. Its not so much getting back to normal but trying to find out what my own normal is and re-defining that can be quite an insurmountable task. Even though my life has new meaning and I do look at things differently, I understand that things can keep changing during this recovery process. I often experience mixed emotions and lately, I discovered that my own expectations and reality often collide. Sometimes I feel disappointed and frustrated when I am unable to meet my own physical or emotional expectations. During that time, I feel isolated as though I do not belong. While I do feel hope, gratitude and relief that I finished treatment and feel much better than before, I have days when I feel apprehensive, cautious and uncertain about the future. I am always wondering whether this cancer is gone or if it will return. Living with uncertainty is the most difficult aspect of living with the aftermath of cancer.

Because I am looking better (whatever that means) I have noted that people around me often do not recognize the struggle I am experiencing, sometimes pain and despair; let alone the adjusting and recovering that I need to heal and regain my energy and my whole being. Some people expect me to return to normal before I am ready but some do understand (what is normal anyway? I keep asking). These days, I like saying that I am selfish. I put myself first! I listen to my body and give priority to taking care of my physical and mental health. I do pay attention to what I am capable of, including avoiding activities that are too much for me. I set my own pace as I rigorously plan for a gradual return to my former self. Thank God I have been blessed with an amazing job where I am treated with utmost compassion and care and I enjoy the flexibility of being able to work from home when I am not feeling well. I do feel incredibly supported and for that I am eternally grateful.

Last week, despite all the gym toning and exercise, I had been feeling really fatigued and lacked the vigor necessary to manage minimal daily tasks. Just that frightening place where the old certainties and norms are gone and I seemingly keep pandering to look at the world afresh. I took two days off to rest and still did not feel better. Instead, I developed a fever which I ignored at first until I noticed a painful swelling on my left jaw- the exact same sport where the tumour suckers were. I have a lump the size of a marble on my lower jaw and aaarrgggh!! it hurts. I immediately called my chemo oncologist and got a voice message that he was away until next week. Then, I called my radiation oncologist who asked me to go in and see him immediately. He was not sure what was going on. He prescribed antibiotics for seven days and ordered blood work to rule out any infection. Why do I keep forgetting that chemo knocked down my immune system? By Friday the swelling appeared bigger and my left ear is very sore. Am I scared? Absolutely! Am I panicking? Absolutely not! I am calling this one a challenge not a crisis. Hopefully, the antibiotic will take care of this bump in the ride and the morphine is handling the pain. There, the emotional and physical part of Hodgkins recovery continues. A luta Continua! (Portuguese phrase meaning "the struggle continues").

Like a good sport, I will therefore continue to share the ups and downs. So, the odd updates like this one will continue.  Here is the thing, while I would love to pop the champagne lets keep it on the ice until this news is confirmed by the blood work results and visible reduced swelling if it is just an infection. Rest assured, it is not all doom and gloom because there are times when I wake up feeling better than I did the day before. In my new normal, I am solely focusing on the principle of one day at a time understanding that the recovery process may be slow and gradual.  So, I will continue holding onto faith, believing that change will come whenever that is. Meantime, I continue to live with intention and purpose, play with abandon, laugh more from the belly, appreciate all my family and friends and most of all live as if this is all there is. All in all, I recognize and am comforted that I am part of something greater than myself.

Until next time, do take time to pamper and be good to yourself.


and Bliss...

In Sheep's Clothing....

How can you think of saying, "Friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in you eye, when you can't see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye, then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your frend's eye (Luke 6:42).

Have you ever come across certain people at the work place who pretend to be all smiles and nice in your face. But, the minute you turn your back the daggers are all out??? Unfortunately, I have got one or more of these I am dealing with currently and I have gone home with severe headaches. So, to relieve my stress, I decided to hit the library and came up with George Simon's book, "In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People". Quite an interesting read I must say and a hit on the bulls eye! Granted, stress is the last thing I need to check off my bucket list of goals of healing. (Studies show stress hormones make it easier for malignant tumours to grow and spread).  Of course, I don't want that to happen! So, I decided to expand my consciousness because the last time I had such experiences of underhanded ways people fight in their daily endeavours was in high school. You know when you had these two mean girls constantly ganging up on you in high school? Thats how it feels - AWFUL!!!! And by the way, I looked up underhanded and here is what I came up with: lack of straightforwardness and honesty in action, craftiness, deviousness, shadiness, shiftiness, slyness, sneakiness. Phew! that sounds absolutely awful and distasteful!

How does this play out? Don't ask for my opinion then get mad when I tell you how I feel and you intentionally throw in those sarcastic jabs in response. Why do you seem to relish in taking verbal jabs at me? Sarcasm is defined as "to tear flesh, gnash the teeth or speak bitterly". Wow! How sad...  Isn't that hypocritical? I think it is because hypocrites are deceitful and phoney. Professing one set of beliefs while living by another. Other scenarios are when the aggressor refuses to admit that they have done something hurtful and play the "Who.... Me.. Thats not what I meant..?" tactic inviting the victim to feel unjustified in confronting the aggressor about the inappropriateness of a behaviour whether its insensitivity, gossiping, backstabbing or the usual shadiness. Mind you, these individuals use backstabbing tactics only fit for losers. These individuals already believe that they are smarter and completely superior to humanity as a whole. They are narcissist, selfish and self centered. They are always telling everyone they are good hearted, they love peace and love everyone to get along. Blah blah blah Bullshit! excuse my French! They carry their angel wings, halo and fluffy white robe like they are the best thing God ever created. If you catch them they always have a story which does not make any sense at all. They run for positive lime light and like roaches scurry for darkness when the results for negative behaviours are being served. Their motivation is to look good at any cost. I think you are getting the drift of what I am saying.... These are toxic people who like to accuse, tantrum, manipulate and smear their way to getting their way or causing a fight. Their out of control emotions and self-centredness make the blame game and the smear campaign two of their favorite tactics for keeping you engaged with them so they can feed off you. These shady characters love to point fingers and never accept responsibility for anything. They make a lot of noise. Like my mother used to say, an empty can makes a lot of noise - it is true because their mouth is always going and going.....they are loud...blabbermouths and you wonder when they are you going to shut up??? Oh! God! Sometimes I just need my quiet moments because they are my healing moments.

Anyway, my philosophy in life is simple;  I believe life is too short to wake up with any regrets. So, I love the people who treat me right and I forget about the ones who don't. I guess I have reached a place in my life where I just need to let go of all the pointless drama and the people that create it and surround myself with people who make me laugh such that I forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy. I have learnt that many people are like garbage trucks. Running around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger and full of disappointment. As the garbage piles up these people look for a place to dump it. And if you let them they will dump it on you. My two cents, when someone wants to dump on you don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well and keep it moving. Believe me, you'll be happier. Do you often engage with people who take pleasure in espousing crazy talk, negativity or languishing in the past? Here is my piece of advice, if you are surrounded by the former, I recommend weeding your personal garden of buzz kills, complainers, controllers and drama queens. Today, as I move forward, I just let go of these toxic people whom I just met yesterday and are trying to bring garbage and toxicity into my life. So, I am dropping the rope immediately and walking away. I just remembered I am surrounded by abundant love - my amazingly huge family and friends! So, letting go feels liberating, exhilerating and empowering. I feel renewed! Until next time, be kind to yourselves....

Reclaiming My Life.....

Hello good people! I cannot believe time has gone by so fast. I have settled well in my new job and continue to negotiate my health and my new normal. Who can forget that tumultuous year that just passed? I could hardly wait to get back to a normal life again. But, what is normal anyway? The more days go by, the more I find myself speaking about this cancer journey in the past tense about what was quite an ordeal. I hate cancer because of what I went through, and I hate cancer because it continues to take many lives. I hate cancer period! But most of all, I hate the positive attitude idea that "Oh you can beat this/Oh you did beat this!" that people tend to throw around without much thought. And recently I have met people who think they know so much about grief and its related losses. Dear God! why do people always think they hold answers to everything? But, then I remembered, "to think you know already is the logic of fools!" It is hard for people to understand that positive thoughts are not enough when you embark on this seemingly unending journey. If you ask me, it is impossible to put any space in between yourself and the disease. Yeah my hair is gradually growing back and my energy will eventually come back but, until the day I die, I will always live with the fear that this cancer will recur. Thats the thing about cancer, things are never ruled out forever. But, for now all is well and thats good enough for me.

Once I was able to start working, I thought I had marked the end of my journey with Hodgkins Lymphoma. But, the truth is I am learning day by day that I just embarked on another leg of the trip. This trip I just embarked on is called adjusting to life as someone in partial remission. In many ways, it definitely is not like the life I had before or envisioned because it is very different. I prefer to call it my new normal for many reasons. I am healing but don't feel 100%. Of course, I would like my daily routine to return to the way it was before my illness but that is a tall order. So, I am learning to set new expectations and priorities for myself while redefining my life. I am learning to be kind to myself and focusing on what I can do - just pacing myself. Most of all, I am learning to embrace the future!

First off, cumulative chronic fatigue is the biggest issue that confronts me. Just extreme tiredness and lack of energy. Usually it comes on suddenly not because I have been working hard but because it is this overwhelming spell that engulfs you leaving you speechless and helpless.. By the way, sleep does not relieve it. You still feel tired despite an excellent night's rest. I can only describe this fatigue as paralyzing and debilitating. My oncologist calls it "cancer fatigue"and could go on for a year or longer. Say what??? Like I need to hear some issues to deal with when you think the journey is coming to an end. Fatigue has become my constant reminder of my cancer. Before this whole journey I never comprehended the difference between fatigue and tiredness. I have used them interchangeably in the past. But, now I do know the difference between the two concepts. Everyone gets tired especially after a hard day's work and we know why we are tired. But, for me, this fatigue is not that precise. I feel a daily lack of energy, an unusual or excessive whole body acute tiredness which cannot be relieved by sleep. So, what that means is, this fatigue does have a profound negative impact on my ability to function normally and my quality of life does not always feel in sync.

In spite of the above, I have instituted helpful changes and new choices in my new normal. Apart from being kind to myself, I found eating healthy and regular exercise life changing. I care about what I eat and strive to buy organic food as much as possible.  Oh, how I wish I was back home where everything is organic! Now, I read the ingredients on food ensuring that I dont pollute my body with unnecessary junk, rampant steroids found in the North American chicken that look abnormally huge for anyone's liking. The list includes fruits that seem to never go bad because they are rubbed with pesticide preservatives. Where do I shop you must be wondering. There are several farmer's markets around the city and it does not hurt to make a trip and just do the right thing. On the other hand, I have found regular moderate exercise to decrease the feeling of fatigue. After exercising I feel this burst of energy which I cannot explain. Exercise helps me feel energetic and stay active. It is my way of getting rid of tension in a most positive way.

So, until then you better stay tuned because I am back with a vengeance!

Life After Treatment

Wow! My last blog was in February and it sure feels like ages! Well, I am still here pushing on and keeping on! I can't believe I have not posted for such a long time. People think cancer diagnosis is a crisis, others think treatment itself is a crisis. I am here to let y'all know the end of treatment can be a crisis too! I have been in a crisis mode lately.  My new normal is very different. My values and priorities have changed significantly in terms of this new lease of life or rather a second chance that others did not get. But, with starting a new job, I suddenly realized how much self worth I had lost. I found myself doubting my capacity to take on this challenge given my fragile health.... I did feel doubts creeping in. The truth is I have been doing a lot of reflection for the past month, ummm.. I mean worrying - like most cancer survivors will tell you. Even though I completed treatment, I continue to worry and have these hundred questions in my head. I keep asking myself, Am I cured? Why do some lymph nodes feel enlarged? Is the disease still there? Can it come back again? Oh! boy! the nerves are still here. But, for sure I am doing just fine. Thank you my friends and family for continuing to hold me during those times when my spirit is weak and feeble. I could not do this alone!

Update on my new job. I love my new job because it is a combination of working with wonderful personalities and I love what I do. Am I allowed the bragging rights? Well, I got blessed with this amazing job with full medical and dental benefits where I am treated so well I cannot even begin to describe it enough. My supervisors and my colleagues are nothing but just what the doctor ordered. Not only a unionized environment but the most loving and caring people I have ever come across! I can attend my doctor's appointments without stress and I can work from home when I am not well. Literally, I feel like I am working with my family members. So, how cool is that?

The good news is I just saw my doctor last week and was told that I am in partial remission. Remission does not mean cure, it just means the tumours are largely reduced. Doctors are always wary to say you are cured because Lymphomas are known to recur. So Doctors wait for few years before they are confident that you disease will not return. Only after that can they tell you that you are cured. Just because the cancer is in remission does not mean the fight is over emotionally or physically. I continue to have good days and some bad days. I continue to struggle with aches and pains. I continue to struggle with fatigue but the gym is a great help in that regard. It gives me a burst of energy. I am still not able to produce saliva because of the radiation. So, what that means is I have to keep drinking fluids and have to keep waking up in the middle of the night lest my mouth falls apart. The radiation did a number on my teeth. My fillings fell out and I have seven cavities. You heard right! Who knew that this whole journey would cost me my teeth? Anyway, I have started having my weekly dental appointments and hopefully will finish at the end of this month.

Anyway, I am doing my best these days to stick to the script where I embrace the goodness of life and appreciate that I am alive. I am deeply grateful! The truth is I am not doing so with much conviction. I cannot deny the residue left by cancer on my whole being and moreso my psyche. I love though speaking in the past tense that I had cancer or I am a cancer survivor. It makes me feel really powerful and ignites a light in my heart. The bottom line for me is that I am just appreciating life. I am taking nothing for granted. So, what that means is I now have only good days or great days.

New Day New Beginning

Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start. Nido Qubein

If someone had told me that today would be my first day at work, I would not have believed it. I would have received it as mockery because of the horrible way I have felt for a long time. But, hey, Joy comes in the morning.  The Lord is blessing me with health and has opened a fulfilling opportunity; I have begun living a purpose driven life. Well, it feels so great to tell y'all that today was my first day at my new fabulous job! I had an amazing orientation and am already in madly in love with what lies ahead. I am surrounded by fabulous people just full of kindness and understanding of the journey I am coming from. Lots of accommodation and lots of everything that anyone can dream of reach your potential.  I am so thrilled and am doing the happy dance.

Remember, I had told you that I am working on a new personal project. Well, you can now visit me on my other new website on www.http://nommo.ca  Please visit and enjoy! If anyone is interested in making a contribution there are possibilities to join me in this collaboration as a guest and we can use the power of words to change the world!

Be well and stay tuned.....

Epilogue - My Final Chapter

I hold close to my heart the vivid memories of when this journey began. Apart from the tears and sadness, there were many life lessons learned. I recall searching the web for answers -  big mistake if you ask me! I used to read a lot of cancer blogs on the internet and I got scared but at the same time I was inspired by other incredible people who had travelled the same journey or are still on the ride like me. What caught my attention was that most blogs just ended suddenly and I was left wondering what happened to those people. However, after I began to slack on my postings myself, I realized that once you start feeling better you lose that passion because of the excitement of getting back into the swing of things. I am going to keep this blog up because even though I dont have too much to report on, I will keep updating about how I am doing as I move to new projects. I have started working on a social work dot com that is going to be a real kicker. Follow me on my musings as a regular person making a lasting commitment to making a real difference in our world. You will not want to miss it for anything. Just stay tuned.....

Anyway, recently I was having an epic conversation with Tinashe and she was telling me how excited she was that I am feeling so much better now and I am able to run that treadmill, break a sweat and pump some iron at the gym. Then, she asked me if cancer had changed my life or what I would change going forward?  Wow! I thought for a while - honestly, I remain ambivalent about my prognosis and cannot help but wonder what tomorrow brings. I have hated every day of this cancer nightmare, but I am appreciative of y'all for being there for me every step of the way. I have had more help than other people in my situation and I am grateful. Gratitude is what I have in my heart and in my spirit. Sorry, I digressed…. I pondered how has it changed me? I guess, I am more cognizant than ever that life is short and that it is important to grab hold of life everyday - appreciate it and give thanks that you have yet another day to breathe, laugh, love and enjoy just being... Knowing that life has an expiration date made me stop putting off doing the things that I love. You are wondering what things are those? I mean giving myself permission just to be silly. To do the things I used to enjoy when I was young like travelling, cycling, jogging and all the silly things that used to make me laugh. I will jump on the couch because it is there. I will bounce on the bed because I can. I will find new things to do. Make new friends, learn a new sport, ride a bike with my children who are avid cyclists already. I will give more hugs and say thanks for just being alive.

How has it changed me? Its interesting that, I have read about how after cancer, other people descend into depression or quit their jobs to reduce stress, some people turn vegetarian and give up alcohol. Others find God while for some relationships collapse. Thank God, my partner of six years never wavered. He held my hand, wiped my tears and stood by me selflessly. He is such a trooper and I love him to death. As for me? I am not going to sit here and start sounding all sentimental, mushy or philosophical. I just feel so blessed and am not shy to say that I am an overcomer. I never stopped dreaming big! Anyhow, once I got to learn and understand that Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is a result of very, very bad luck and is likely not related in anyway to lifestyle choices I decided, I am changing nothing because I love my life. Maybe, I will do more with each day and strive to get more out of each moment and to see the positive in most situations. I would like to eat more organic fresh vegetables and fruits, particularly from the farmer’s markets. I would like to be more physically active. And most important, take more vacations and just enjoy life. I will continue to follow my passion of being a social worker. Honestly, my life is more meaningful aligned to this abiding passion. I love being a social worker because for me, it is not a job but a vocation or calling. What’s more, it provides the tremendous satisfaction of helping others, which is, more than enough reward.

On a side note, I just accepted an amazing social work leadership job opportunity, amazing salary package, amazing team/colleagues and great working hours with an amazing health centre/clinic. Such is Amazing Grace! I am highly favoured and walking in the victory of God's sanctifying grace! It is faith and assured belief that made me sure of things I hoped for. I cannot believe that I am going back to work after one year hiatus. Phew!!! feels like it was two years. The idea of returning to work is giving me euphoria and I am loving it! Now, I do feel like I have control of my life once again. I just feel victorious and motivated to do an equally amazing job in this incredible role. I am so thrilled and cannot believe I am at this victorious place called HAPPY! Its funny how illness makes you feel hollow and empty inside. To be honest, during this experience, I did feel my confidence slowly slipping away. I experienced those weird moments of self doubt and defeat. But now, the sky is looking blue and I can see the rainbow shining brightly in the horizon! Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. I am happy because I am living and taking in every moment, embracing life and its complexities!

Admittedly, there are problems and sadness in life but our universe is full of abundance and boundless opportunities, if only we could see them. Trust me, the possibilities are without number! I am sure some of you are wondering What? How? When did that happen? Well, it all happened because like they say, when one door of happiness closes, many more open, but often we look so long at the closed door that we fail to see the one which has opened for us. My golden door opened last week and I boldly walked into the fountain of life. I refuse to be defined by cancer because I am more than cancer. I consider myself a winner and victorious given the circumstances. I am now unswervingly focused on my goal to be the change I want to see in the world as I pursue this amazing calling.

Remember, this is not a goodbye but just an epilogue – a final chapter to my journey we victoriously travelled together. I will continue to post about how my health is going. And stay tuned for the dot com which will have even more sizzling narratives of an ambivalent social worker aka survivor.

Be well, Be happy, Be kind and try to do one nice thing a day. You never know whose life you may touch today, tomorrow or ever.

As always, Stay tuned........

The End is Near of this Cancer Journey!

It been a while since I updated my blog. Many things have been happening since and all good I must say. After being sick in my last post, my oncologist nipped it in the bud. After taking antibiotics the balance returned. I have been feeling well and excited about the end of this journey.

First off, I must say that the end is near for me to beat this damn cancer. Great news! my CT scans came back with the tumours largely reduced and I require another extensive scan scheduled for March. Just hearing that piece of news is euphoric. Can you believe after treatment you have to get regular report cards. Its like school all over again. Once all is said and done you just want to know where you stand in terms of the magic words. I cannot wait for the doctor to utter those special words, "You are in remission!" Remission means that the lymphoma has been eliminated or reduced. When the tumour is completely gone, doctors call it "complete remission". When the tumour has been largely reduced but it still remains, it is called, a "partial remission". What is interesting about lymphoma is that even if your disease stands eliminated after treatment is over, it is still not called a cure. Why? I also asked. It is because lymphomas have a chance of recurring and often doctors will wait for a few years before being confident that the disease will not return. Only then can the doctor tell you that you are cured. I am scheduled for another appointment in March which is a few weeks from now. In any case, I am so thrilled that despite the speed bumps, I have been experiencing along the way, life is good! I am taking the life canvas and rewriting my own script particularly, how I feel it should look like. I am thinking, indeed, I am the great champion of my own life. Therefore, as my favourite philosopher Friedrich Nietzche states,"He who has a "why" to live can bear with almost any "how". I am at that special place where I am just trying to find the hows and moving on. Yeah, I am keeping it moving...

With the tumours largely reduced, surviving cancer and making it through the chemo and radiation are my major accomplishments so far. Now that I will be joining the special group of champions called survivors, I am finding new priorities in life, i.e. exercising to get my groove back and yes job hunting!  I am ready to put all that graduate theory into practice. I have been frequenting the gym religiously and boy! its the best thing I have done for myself so far! I feel my groove is coming back, I do feel production of those endorphins being triggered and everything is coming together. I have less fatigue and more mentally alert than I have ever been. Its funny today I went to the gym very early in the morning and two very interesting people were running beside me on the treadmill. One special lady with a bald head whom I later learnt she completed breast cancer treatment in August but is still struggling with fatigue and all the other bull shit. I thought, wow! I am not alone! How fate keeps placing me in the right place at the right time. We instantly became friends and its funny how we have so much in common and so much to reminisce and laugh about. The other was a 68 year old man who was proud to share his age and how the gym has saved his life. Well, I am just so glad that this journey is coming to an end and all in all has been quite educational and life changing in many ways.

I am just glad to be here at this point and wishing I could drink a glass of champagne to celebrate the progress and ultimate good news.

Thank you for always listening to my rants!

Confused, Trying to Figure Out....

Just trying to figure out....  Am I sounding like a broken record, that annoying repetitive track everyone is tired of hearing, which sounds like "I am sick, I am sick". Or is it that this horrendous journey is making me feel like I am losing it? Just wondering.... Or is this something that people go through after long periods of illness? I am tired of wondering.

Tinashe took that shot this week from my hospital bed when I was experiencing disorientation from a gravol shot. I must mention that I was also feeling exhausted from throwing up and just being pissed about not seeming to feel better. The funny part is, when she saw me throwing up she threw up also and suddenly it was like two convalescencing patients stuck in one room. We could not help ourselves but laugh hysterically. We both appreciated this moment of finding humour in a somewhat difficult situation. It also revealed how sad we were both feeling. We do keep revisiting this very unfortunate incident and still find ourselves laughing uncontrollably because it was funny as the nurses stood there confused but obviously affected by the dominor effect of the humour of it all and sharing in the amusement. So are the days of my life as we continue to enjoy the remnants of laughter even after all is said and done.

I have spent the past few days in hospital hooked up to an IV. After hoping the hospital visits were a thing of the past. Unfortunately that wish not yet granted. It appears I still have some hiccups here and there as the journey continues. The pain in my neck is just unbearable and I cannot stand the fever. But, no, I am not over the edge! I am just not feeling well but trying really hard to keep my head up and still looking forward to returning to normalcy mentally, emotionally and physically. Like I mentioned in my last post, I have been feeling crummy with that swelling on my neck coupled with the nerves. Every time I look in the mirror and see the recurring swelling on my neck, I become mushy and turn into an emotional wreck. Yeah, this whole thing is sending me into a tailspin. I keep thinking, Gosh! is that the tumour back or my imagination is going wild? What is going on? Yeah, just the fear alone of thinking maybe the treatment didn't work has been doing a number on me.

I keep thinking, Didn't I get a chemo/rad graduation recently? I feel ripped off right now because what was that celebration about? I feel like a hot mess for real! I know that I have tried to stay upbeat throughout the treatments but seriously, now that part is over, why am I feeling more afraid and worried than ever. I am scared and feel like the emotional plane is torpedoing. But, thanks to Tinashe my rock and pillar of support. I know that I am not impervious to the occasional downer, but she always manages to bring me back home to sanity where positive things happen. My Princess Tinashe, just keeps massaging my bruised ego and reminds me that I have a fighting spirit (which I am not sure sounds like me) and she keeps reminding me how strong I am and the resilience I have exhibited during not just this cancer journey but the day to day stresses and hassles of life in the past. Then, I start realizing that for sure, I always see the glass as half full even when it lies shattered on the ground. I take a deep breathe and I suddenly realize the importance of snapping out of it and allowing myself to live in the moment without worrying about the future or what could be.

The good news is, I am seeing my oncologist next week instead of the scheduled March. I cannot wait to go through all the tests again to make sure this is nothing but a glitch in my recovery journey. Until then, stay positive with me and remember, life is like an onion, you peel it off one layer at a time and sometimes we will weep. Not just tears of sadness, but sometimes, tears of joy from those rare moments where you find yourself laughing uncontrollably in the middle of despair. For me, those moments are more than just respite from sadness and pain but, a source of meaning and hope where courage and strength dwell. I find those particular moments healing and source of renewed strength to keep going. Such is the incomprehensible nature of life, as I continue to desperately search for those rare moments or flashes of clarity from the universe.

For now,  as I anxiously wait for the doctor to give me a cancer remission pass, lets all just live and breathe deeply......

Sometimes, I Just Need a Hug

Its funny how when you finish treatment, you suddenly feel excited and start making plans of reclaiming your life back from this cancer ordeal. Well, not yet! All my plans with my personal trainer at the gym right through the window! Lately, whenever people say, how are you doing I find myself saying, "I am okay!" Weird, because I am not yet okay but want desperately to be okay. This week has not been my best. I started off the week with a fever which progressed into severe body aches. I hate taking painkillers because I have been doing that for almost a year already. Now, I keep thinking, how many more drugs before this is over?

My neck is swollen where the tumour was and that gives me the bhajibhas! I am a bundle of nerves, wondering did the tumour shrink or its still there? Am thinking, this ain't right why am I swollen again? See, the more reason I am trying to draw a blank on this one. I am having difficulty turning my head and my ear is pounding so bad. I am not going to reflect much about all this because I don't want to send myself into an unnecessary frenzy. Then, I developed nasty body aches which are just so intense that I do not wish to talk about it either. The back pain is causing me difficulty in walking and doing simple tasks. Sigghhhh......

Its interesting how you get used to being sick and all the aches that go with it. I had not taken all this seriously granted the doctor had informed me I might experience after chemo/radiation side effects. But, since these aches are not going away, I do have an appointment scheduled for next week. Hopefully, that will help allay my fears. Anyway, I just want all these aches and pains to go away. Most of all, my wish is that a cancer breakthrough is found that prevents cancer in the first place, so that no one ever has to go through these difficult things.  I will continue to take baby steps and hang in there until I regain my strength and sanity. Until then continue to stay tuned....

Hello My Name is Chemo Brain Fog....

Hello chemo brain fog!

Its a concept I had never heard of before! Foreign concept is what I mean. Anyway, chemo saved my life but rearranged my brain. The difficulty I am experiencing retrieving words makes me wonder what happened to me during treatment. I am not talking about the normal human condition where you forget stuff here and there. I am experiencing changes in my memory, I have shortened attention spans and I have difficulty concentrating. The chemo brain fog I am experiencing is the kind where I am having a conversation and I get into a loss for words. I know the word and its right there on the tip of my tongue. I can see it but dang! it just disappears and when I don't need to use the word it suddenly pops up when that particular conversation is over. Do you know how frustrating and disconcerting that is?

This whole situation is not like I cannot comprehend language, its just that I cannot retrieve the words. Kinda like memory lapse. For instance, on occasion, when I am trying to describe a story in conversation, its hard to keep up with whatever I am saying. I feel my train of thought getting derailed, just going south and I know its time to keep quiet. In those instances, I feel like a hot mess. I do get infuriated and frustrated when people say, "Oh we all have our moments of forgetfulness". Please don't say that because you dont know what I am going through. Next time I express my frustration and you have the urge to share your non chemo induced forgetfulness, I suggest you go away before I punch you in the face.

Anyway, overwhelmed by frustration, I paid my family doctor a visit to get some clarity regarding this mystery. I love my doctor dearly because she takes all my concerns very seriously. As I expressed my worry with thinking and memory problems she immediately advised me it was called "chemo brain fog". To my relief, the doctor assured me that I was not imagining stuff and that I could be experiencing what is referred to as "Chemo Brain Fog" the foggy thinking and forgetfulness experienced by most cancer patients after treatment. The truth is, I have found myself grasping for words mid conversation. I feel embarrassed and frustrated when I am forced to stop and search for words needed to convey my thoughts. This is not even funny. As for peoples names, well, next time I meet you and I forget your name just forgive me please in advance.

Chemotherapy saves lives but new studies reveal that it may impair normal brain function resulting in memory loss, diminished concentration, difficulty multitasking and word retrieval. Encouraged that I was not hallucinating or losing my mind, I researched further on this new found neuro cognitive concept. I stumbled on a Psycho-Oncology research study which clearly describes the cognitive effects of cancer treatment. The study followed 26 women undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer and found that cognitive processes were severely affected followed by memory loss (Downie, 2006, p.921). Other studies have shown that some patients experience some amount of memory and other cognitive impairments even before going through any kind of treatment. Researchers believe that having cancer itself may be a contributing factor to the fog as the body is under stress and fights the disease. Chemo brain fog is not an imagined problem but a real medical mystery doctors and researchers continue to struggle with finding answers.

As perplexing as this whole experience is, I am just glad this damn chemo brain does not impact intelligence. It only impacts recall, attention, word finding and results in chronic fatigue. For now, I can deal with that. This whole experience has taught me that recovery is more than just looking better. I cannot wait for the fog to lift so that I can be myself once again. Until next time, stay tuned.........

Celebrating Milestones - Surprise Lunch @ Joy Bistro

Knowing someone is willing to come and sit with you to celebrate your milestones is very touching. Today is that very special day. A big thank you to everyone who came out to celebrate this major milestone in my life. What a pleasant and much appreciated surprise! Yeah! I am a chemo/radiation graduate! Thank you again to all those who were not able to make it but have been constant friends during this journey. A big shout out to my girl Krissy in Victoria busy with her Phd. Shelley my girl, I know you just got back from South Africa and are getting back to the feel of things. A big shout out to Venece you are my girl and kept me strong all the way. Another big shout out to my brother Kirby vacationing in Cuba and could not make it. Kirby you chauffered me to appointments despite your hectic schedule and you truly kept me strong with your words of encouragement. Steve, I know you would have been there but I understand. Thank you Steve for keeping me strong and giving me that dose of much needed laughter.  I have to give a shout out to Esther my girl, I love you and appreciate you. Sam my best friend in Winlow, BC, you came all the way the minute you knew I was sick and have been there every step of the way appointments and all. I love you so much. I am going to share with y'all the lovely photos of this big event filled with so much joy, love and hope...

Check out the ambience! The event was at this fabulous place called Joy Bistro on Queen Street, in Leslieville two streets from my house. Just amazing place and the food was off the chain! Hello to my fun crew who kept me up when I was down. You make me smile every single day and I appreciate y'all! If you all look up you will see me appreciating!

That is Tinashe my daughter and Karen the two secretive people who made the event possible and kept everything under wraps making sure I stayed in the dark. Hats off to you! What can I say, Tinashe you are the bomb! Karen the other bomb! Karen those massages and home visits I would not trade them for anything! By the way the massage you gave me on Saturday was so fabulous. It took me out for the next three days - have been sleeping like a baby. What about all the other massages? I have no words. Karen, you climbed this mountain with me and words alone cannot suffice. Tinashe my rock what more can I say. I love you girl...my caregiver!

Tapfuma my son the handsome photographer who took most of these photos. He was also behind the plot of keeping this whole event secret tight. Remember the nights at the emergency? And those chemo days when you had to literally babysit me? All those hugs and kisses! You are a fine young man. I love you and adore you.

Oh! Heather, Tinashe and Kinnon - you are so awesome! You were all there every step of the way. I could not have done this without y'all. I love you much! You never left me even when the tough got going! I depended on y'all! Heather, you were at my house every other day without getting weary.  You had a hectic schedule but you made me your priority. I love you so much! Kinnon, you were there all the time, even when you went to Antigonish, you still held me down with so much love- texting and messaging me. When you got back you were right there at my house lifting me up even though you were exhausted from all the driving. I love you so much!

Leo my other son, I adore you. Man you gave me such a funny bone during this whole journey. You are a true friend who knows that special song in my heart. You were there Leo singing back those lyrics when I had forgotten the words. I remember laughing during those very difficult times until my chest hurt. Thank you for being there for me.

Thats Steph, Kinnon and Heather my awesome and fabulous friends who made this journey so much easier. Steph, you were at my house every other day. You did not care that you were travelling all the way from Oakville. That is what I call true friendship! Love you Steph! I dont know how to thank you all. You were my inner core. The people I depended on every single day. I feel like I climbed this mountain with y'all just holding my hand.

Diana, I love you my dear. You picked me up at every turn of the moment. I appreciate you so much! Someone at the lunch said to me is your friend a socialite? And I said well that is my Professor many years ago, one amazing academic and mentor extraordinaire! We have come from very far my friend. I truly adore you and cherish our friendship. But, now you have acquired the new nickname of socialite.

Willi, I love you so much! You, Rauni and Stacey where the angels sent from above! You were there every step of the way and provided every single help more than I even anticipated. Thank you for being in my life and being my shelter from the storm. May God continue blessing your work at Philip Aziz Center and the many lives you touch every single day.

My favourite niece Rutendo and her lovely mom Gladys! Always there for me! I love you both! Rutendo, you are such a special little girl. In fact, you are the most well behaved and adorable little girl that I know in the whole of Canada. Good job Gladys I am so proud of you! I give you Mother of our times award! I still need to see any mother who can show me they are doing a better job than you. By the way, this award is timeless. Thank you for making those hard days easy. I appreciate you being there every other day pampering me and just dusting me off when it was tough. I love you girl and I appreciate you!

Jennifer, Heather and Karen having a pow wow. Jennifer thank you for being the first shoulder that I cried on when I got the news. You are my family because you offered me that embrace and love that I so much needed. All the other people saw me after you had done all the ground work of counselling and allaying my fears for me. You mean so much to me and I love you deeply.

Lena, my dear friend.. You have a heart of gold and I cherish my friendship with you.. Even when you were busy with assignments and your babies you tracked all the way to my house all the time. You are a true friend and I love you much...

Kinnon giving us his very broad and well build shoulders, Maurice I dont know what you are preaching, Steph lost in deep thought or attention. Maurice I adore you my friend thank you for being a true friend. You were my Professor many years ago and now my friend and mentor extraordinaire. I just feel so blessed to have you in my life.

Julie my very long time dear friend from Yonge Street Mission. I love you so much and you are like a sister to me. You have been a true friend and have cheered me on since day one. Thank you so much!

Heather and Tapfuma. I so love that picture! It reminds me so much how everyone on this blog and all the other people locally and internationally made me feel so loved and so blessed. If I were to summarize this journey, look at this picture - its saying the thousand words I wish to convey.

Marjorie and Tazvi. Marj you are a true friend and I love you. Tazvi my adopted son, what would I do without you my chauffer and my everything.  You are a fine young man and I am so proud to be called your mother. You hold a very special place in my heart.

That is Sauda, Nicholas, Me, Ziyada. Those are my three lovely adopted kids from Uganda. I love them so much. I could not have done this without them. Rashida their mom is missing and their brother Ibrahim. There are my beautiful other family.

Vuso, thank you my friend for being a true friend in times of need. I appreciate you.

Jennifer my thesis supervisor and me after she handed me my Master's of Social Work thesis which I missed receiving last year because of this incredible cancer journey. Thank you Jen for the most touching heart warming and beautiful speech. You made me feel so special. This thesis is the beginning of a new chapter for me into something bigger as you always said.

Personal is Political: Making Bald Beautiful

Say whaaaat? Yeah, I am making bald beautiful because seriously I am having issues with wearing a wig. The thing is, this whole chemo and radiation has caused havoc on my head too. My bald head rains sweat in a somewhat really crazy way. Paper towels cannot really do it as they soak with just one wipe. I have to use my little special towels every once in a while. My bald head is a sweat lodge..... Anyhow, no reason to panic, the doctor mentioned that effects of the radiation would continue working in my body for long while. This excessive head sweating basically is a result of overactive sweat glands.

The funny thing is there are times when I did bend to societal conventions and just wished I had hair on my head. How sad... So, I bought this cute little wig which I am having serious doubts about after wearing it only a couple of times. With all the excessive sweating I mentioned earlier, I start out from home wearing the wig but just end up yanking it off my head simply because it makes me feel like my head has been placed in a steamer. The sweat starts dripping on my sides Ewww! You heard right, I yank off the wig even in public. It is just so laughable and funny. After enduring these really uncomfortable sweaty sporadic episodes, I for some strange reason gathered this fake confidence and I am not really bothered by those weird penetrating stares. This is me carrying through life with self-confidence, hair or no hair. I am rocking this bald head while liberating myself from this hair hype that its all about hair. I say its all about VANITY! I am making a conscious decision to overlook the stereotypes of normality placed on bald women particularly by western society in general. I come from Southern Africa and being bald is very common among women and a fashion trend. I recall that it is customary for widows and every family member who lose their parents to shave their heads in recognition of the loss and unfortunate status.

Come to think of it, before this journey, I had never put chemical in my hair or tried the fake hair weaves or wigs. That makes me a newbie to the hype who is failing dismally. I had always kept my hair natural short or in dreadlocks. I had never thought about what hair means to me. I guess my point is, when the world sees you differently, you too start seeing the world differently. Being bald has made me acutely aware that I may be perceived differently. In fact, people interact with me differently now. What a shame. I cannot believe women need hair to have societal approval. Despite how far as a society we have come, beauty and sexuality is still tied to a woman's hair. How stupid and shallow. Head shaving should not flout conventions of acceptable feminity. What happened to the concept of beauty lies from within??? Seriously, its just hair.... The sense of freedom that I am feeling is undeniable. Unfortunately, everyone does not interpret it that way. This bald is my personal and my political right now. I reject the status quo and will swag this bald for as long as it takes for my hair to grow. I am leading the way and not looking back to see if anyone is behind me. I am loving being bald, I am rocking it and rocking it well! Can I get an AMEN!

Just being bald made me think about deconstructing hair. Is bald sexy? At first, I thought yeah absolutely! There are several men I know who are bald and really look sexy. But then, I wondered why is it so hard for me then as a woman to feel sexy in this bald swag? Then it dawned on me that unlike women, lately, men have turned natural balding into a fashion statement by shaving it all off. Moreover, men do have the comfort of knowing that there are many companions out there to relate to. I am here thinking, maybe we should have some bald barbies or rather, let me set the trend and make bald sexy for women. After this reflection, I figured seriously the head does not need hair to be attractive. If my brain is well functioning which it is, I have the capacity to project all that is attractive in any human being. Anyway, I concluded that I will make this bald a stylistic choice hoping that no one will fault me for this personal choice. I am at a place where I have accepted that cancer is now my constant companion. Therefore, I think of things differently, meaning I focus on more important things rather than stressing on superficial stuff like appearances. Its hard to explain to anyone who has not gone through all this. The thing is, cancer makes you grieve for loss of a lot of things especially those little things I will not be able to get back. Having said that, the truth is I am not sure I will be able to walk the room with the same confidence or approach situations the same way. This cancer does leave an unsightly mark on one's psyche. But, I am working on everything beginning with this bald swag.

Until next time... Stay tuned...

I Could Not Have Done this Without Y'all!

As I mark this major milestone, I just want to take this grandiose opportunity to thank y'all for your love and support during this long and challenging but enlightening journey which began 9 months ago - almost a year to be exact. I am humbled by your thoughtfulness and generosity during this very trying time of my life.

I remember vividly the dark moments when I didn't think I would see tomorrow. Those days I bargained with God. I made all sorts of promises... I am not ashamed that I did because it simply means that I am only human.  In retrospect, it does seem disrespectful but what the heck, I must confess, in my time of crisis, I did try to make desperate deals with God. I forgot that God does not need to be persuaded to be kind or merciful. During those days, I felt like I was walking in this very dark tunnel with no silver lining in near sight.

It is your kind words, emails, cards phone calls, visits and prayers that kept me afloat. I cannot forget the rides to the hospital... I felt the love and felt so lifted up in ways I cannot describe.  I feel so blessed to be part of this big global village that carried me through this journey. You all rallied around me igniting in me such an indomitable will that I never thought I had. For that I am forever grateful! You gave me strength when I felt weak and you gave me hope instead of letting me wallow in self pity and defeat. You were all there cheering me on and reminding me that I was strong and I could do this and I did. It sounded so unimaginable then, but I truly admit, it is what helped me stay afloat especially those times when I felt like giving up.

You gave me reason to keep fighting. You touched my hand and I could sure touch the sky. I am grateful that you helped me see the best that is in me. Thank you for all the gentle pushes...Your support is what allowed me to stay strong even when I felt weak. I could never have made it through this cancer journey without y'all. I am eternally grateful for every single thing big and small.

Even though this cancer left my life shattered in pieces, I will put them back together as I redefine my life course. Cancer has indeed changed my life in every single way. I have talked about this before how cancer has taught me to live in the now. Going forward, I am learning to slow down and really experience life and the world around me. I am looking forward to walking this continuous road with you because I still believe its not a road one can walk alone.

THANK YOU ALL!!!