Life After Treatment

Wow! My last blog was in February and it sure feels like ages! Well, I am still here pushing on and keeping on! I can't believe I have not posted for such a long time. People think cancer diagnosis is a crisis, others think treatment itself is a crisis. I am here to let y'all know the end of treatment can be a crisis too! I have been in a crisis mode lately.  My new normal is very different. My values and priorities have changed significantly in terms of this new lease of life or rather a second chance that others did not get. But, with starting a new job, I suddenly realized how much self worth I had lost. I found myself doubting my capacity to take on this challenge given my fragile health.... I did feel doubts creeping in. The truth is I have been doing a lot of reflection for the past month, ummm.. I mean worrying - like most cancer survivors will tell you. Even though I completed treatment, I continue to worry and have these hundred questions in my head. I keep asking myself, Am I cured? Why do some lymph nodes feel enlarged? Is the disease still there? Can it come back again? Oh! boy! the nerves are still here. But, for sure I am doing just fine. Thank you my friends and family for continuing to hold me during those times when my spirit is weak and feeble. I could not do this alone!

Update on my new job. I love my new job because it is a combination of working with wonderful personalities and I love what I do. Am I allowed the bragging rights? Well, I got blessed with this amazing job with full medical and dental benefits where I am treated so well I cannot even begin to describe it enough. My supervisors and my colleagues are nothing but just what the doctor ordered. Not only a unionized environment but the most loving and caring people I have ever come across! I can attend my doctor's appointments without stress and I can work from home when I am not well. Literally, I feel like I am working with my family members. So, how cool is that?

The good news is I just saw my doctor last week and was told that I am in partial remission. Remission does not mean cure, it just means the tumours are largely reduced. Doctors are always wary to say you are cured because Lymphomas are known to recur. So Doctors wait for few years before they are confident that you disease will not return. Only after that can they tell you that you are cured. Just because the cancer is in remission does not mean the fight is over emotionally or physically. I continue to have good days and some bad days. I continue to struggle with aches and pains. I continue to struggle with fatigue but the gym is a great help in that regard. It gives me a burst of energy. I am still not able to produce saliva because of the radiation. So, what that means is I have to keep drinking fluids and have to keep waking up in the middle of the night lest my mouth falls apart. The radiation did a number on my teeth. My fillings fell out and I have seven cavities. You heard right! Who knew that this whole journey would cost me my teeth? Anyway, I have started having my weekly dental appointments and hopefully will finish at the end of this month.

Anyway, I am doing my best these days to stick to the script where I embrace the goodness of life and appreciate that I am alive. I am deeply grateful! The truth is I am not doing so with much conviction. I cannot deny the residue left by cancer on my whole being and moreso my psyche. I love though speaking in the past tense that I had cancer or I am a cancer survivor. It makes me feel really powerful and ignites a light in my heart. The bottom line for me is that I am just appreciating life. I am taking nothing for granted. So, what that means is I now have only good days or great days.

Celebrating Milestones - Surprise Lunch @ Joy Bistro

Knowing someone is willing to come and sit with you to celebrate your milestones is very touching. Today is that very special day. A big thank you to everyone who came out to celebrate this major milestone in my life. What a pleasant and much appreciated surprise! Yeah! I am a chemo/radiation graduate! Thank you again to all those who were not able to make it but have been constant friends during this journey. A big shout out to my girl Krissy in Victoria busy with her Phd. Shelley my girl, I know you just got back from South Africa and are getting back to the feel of things. A big shout out to Venece you are my girl and kept me strong all the way. Another big shout out to my brother Kirby vacationing in Cuba and could not make it. Kirby you chauffered me to appointments despite your hectic schedule and you truly kept me strong with your words of encouragement. Steve, I know you would have been there but I understand. Thank you Steve for keeping me strong and giving me that dose of much needed laughter.  I have to give a shout out to Esther my girl, I love you and appreciate you. Sam my best friend in Winlow, BC, you came all the way the minute you knew I was sick and have been there every step of the way appointments and all. I love you so much. I am going to share with y'all the lovely photos of this big event filled with so much joy, love and hope...

Check out the ambience! The event was at this fabulous place called Joy Bistro on Queen Street, in Leslieville two streets from my house. Just amazing place and the food was off the chain! Hello to my fun crew who kept me up when I was down. You make me smile every single day and I appreciate y'all! If you all look up you will see me appreciating!

That is Tinashe my daughter and Karen the two secretive people who made the event possible and kept everything under wraps making sure I stayed in the dark. Hats off to you! What can I say, Tinashe you are the bomb! Karen the other bomb! Karen those massages and home visits I would not trade them for anything! By the way the massage you gave me on Saturday was so fabulous. It took me out for the next three days - have been sleeping like a baby. What about all the other massages? I have no words. Karen, you climbed this mountain with me and words alone cannot suffice. Tinashe my rock what more can I say. I love you girl...my caregiver!

Tapfuma my son the handsome photographer who took most of these photos. He was also behind the plot of keeping this whole event secret tight. Remember the nights at the emergency? And those chemo days when you had to literally babysit me? All those hugs and kisses! You are a fine young man. I love you and adore you.

Oh! Heather, Tinashe and Kinnon - you are so awesome! You were all there every step of the way. I could not have done this without y'all. I love you much! You never left me even when the tough got going! I depended on y'all! Heather, you were at my house every other day without getting weary.  You had a hectic schedule but you made me your priority. I love you so much! Kinnon, you were there all the time, even when you went to Antigonish, you still held me down with so much love- texting and messaging me. When you got back you were right there at my house lifting me up even though you were exhausted from all the driving. I love you so much!

Leo my other son, I adore you. Man you gave me such a funny bone during this whole journey. You are a true friend who knows that special song in my heart. You were there Leo singing back those lyrics when I had forgotten the words. I remember laughing during those very difficult times until my chest hurt. Thank you for being there for me.

Thats Steph, Kinnon and Heather my awesome and fabulous friends who made this journey so much easier. Steph, you were at my house every other day. You did not care that you were travelling all the way from Oakville. That is what I call true friendship! Love you Steph! I dont know how to thank you all. You were my inner core. The people I depended on every single day. I feel like I climbed this mountain with y'all just holding my hand.

Diana, I love you my dear. You picked me up at every turn of the moment. I appreciate you so much! Someone at the lunch said to me is your friend a socialite? And I said well that is my Professor many years ago, one amazing academic and mentor extraordinaire! We have come from very far my friend. I truly adore you and cherish our friendship. But, now you have acquired the new nickname of socialite.

Willi, I love you so much! You, Rauni and Stacey where the angels sent from above! You were there every step of the way and provided every single help more than I even anticipated. Thank you for being in my life and being my shelter from the storm. May God continue blessing your work at Philip Aziz Center and the many lives you touch every single day.

My favourite niece Rutendo and her lovely mom Gladys! Always there for me! I love you both! Rutendo, you are such a special little girl. In fact, you are the most well behaved and adorable little girl that I know in the whole of Canada. Good job Gladys I am so proud of you! I give you Mother of our times award! I still need to see any mother who can show me they are doing a better job than you. By the way, this award is timeless. Thank you for making those hard days easy. I appreciate you being there every other day pampering me and just dusting me off when it was tough. I love you girl and I appreciate you!

Jennifer, Heather and Karen having a pow wow. Jennifer thank you for being the first shoulder that I cried on when I got the news. You are my family because you offered me that embrace and love that I so much needed. All the other people saw me after you had done all the ground work of counselling and allaying my fears for me. You mean so much to me and I love you deeply.

Lena, my dear friend.. You have a heart of gold and I cherish my friendship with you.. Even when you were busy with assignments and your babies you tracked all the way to my house all the time. You are a true friend and I love you much...

Kinnon giving us his very broad and well build shoulders, Maurice I dont know what you are preaching, Steph lost in deep thought or attention. Maurice I adore you my friend thank you for being a true friend. You were my Professor many years ago and now my friend and mentor extraordinaire. I just feel so blessed to have you in my life.

Julie my very long time dear friend from Yonge Street Mission. I love you so much and you are like a sister to me. You have been a true friend and have cheered me on since day one. Thank you so much!

Heather and Tapfuma. I so love that picture! It reminds me so much how everyone on this blog and all the other people locally and internationally made me feel so loved and so blessed. If I were to summarize this journey, look at this picture - its saying the thousand words I wish to convey.

Marjorie and Tazvi. Marj you are a true friend and I love you. Tazvi my adopted son, what would I do without you my chauffer and my everything.  You are a fine young man and I am so proud to be called your mother. You hold a very special place in my heart.

That is Sauda, Nicholas, Me, Ziyada. Those are my three lovely adopted kids from Uganda. I love them so much. I could not have done this without them. Rashida their mom is missing and their brother Ibrahim. There are my beautiful other family.

Vuso, thank you my friend for being a true friend in times of need. I appreciate you.

Jennifer my thesis supervisor and me after she handed me my Master's of Social Work thesis which I missed receiving last year because of this incredible cancer journey. Thank you Jen for the most touching heart warming and beautiful speech. You made me feel so special. This thesis is the beginning of a new chapter for me into something bigger as you always said.