Sometimes, I Just Need a Hug

Its funny how when you finish treatment, you suddenly feel excited and start making plans of reclaiming your life back from this cancer ordeal. Well, not yet! All my plans with my personal trainer at the gym right through the window! Lately, whenever people say, how are you doing I find myself saying, "I am okay!" Weird, because I am not yet okay but want desperately to be okay. This week has not been my best. I started off the week with a fever which progressed into severe body aches. I hate taking painkillers because I have been doing that for almost a year already. Now, I keep thinking, how many more drugs before this is over?

My neck is swollen where the tumour was and that gives me the bhajibhas! I am a bundle of nerves, wondering did the tumour shrink or its still there? Am thinking, this ain't right why am I swollen again? See, the more reason I am trying to draw a blank on this one. I am having difficulty turning my head and my ear is pounding so bad. I am not going to reflect much about all this because I don't want to send myself into an unnecessary frenzy. Then, I developed nasty body aches which are just so intense that I do not wish to talk about it either. The back pain is causing me difficulty in walking and doing simple tasks. Sigghhhh......

Its interesting how you get used to being sick and all the aches that go with it. I had not taken all this seriously granted the doctor had informed me I might experience after chemo/radiation side effects. But, since these aches are not going away, I do have an appointment scheduled for next week. Hopefully, that will help allay my fears. Anyway, I just want all these aches and pains to go away. Most of all, my wish is that a cancer breakthrough is found that prevents cancer in the first place, so that no one ever has to go through these difficult things.  I will continue to take baby steps and hang in there until I regain my strength and sanity. Until then continue to stay tuned....

Hello My Name is Chemo Brain Fog....

Hello chemo brain fog!

Its a concept I had never heard of before! Foreign concept is what I mean. Anyway, chemo saved my life but rearranged my brain. The difficulty I am experiencing retrieving words makes me wonder what happened to me during treatment. I am not talking about the normal human condition where you forget stuff here and there. I am experiencing changes in my memory, I have shortened attention spans and I have difficulty concentrating. The chemo brain fog I am experiencing is the kind where I am having a conversation and I get into a loss for words. I know the word and its right there on the tip of my tongue. I can see it but dang! it just disappears and when I don't need to use the word it suddenly pops up when that particular conversation is over. Do you know how frustrating and disconcerting that is?

This whole situation is not like I cannot comprehend language, its just that I cannot retrieve the words. Kinda like memory lapse. For instance, on occasion, when I am trying to describe a story in conversation, its hard to keep up with whatever I am saying. I feel my train of thought getting derailed, just going south and I know its time to keep quiet. In those instances, I feel like a hot mess. I do get infuriated and frustrated when people say, "Oh we all have our moments of forgetfulness". Please don't say that because you dont know what I am going through. Next time I express my frustration and you have the urge to share your non chemo induced forgetfulness, I suggest you go away before I punch you in the face.

Anyway, overwhelmed by frustration, I paid my family doctor a visit to get some clarity regarding this mystery. I love my doctor dearly because she takes all my concerns very seriously. As I expressed my worry with thinking and memory problems she immediately advised me it was called "chemo brain fog". To my relief, the doctor assured me that I was not imagining stuff and that I could be experiencing what is referred to as "Chemo Brain Fog" the foggy thinking and forgetfulness experienced by most cancer patients after treatment. The truth is, I have found myself grasping for words mid conversation. I feel embarrassed and frustrated when I am forced to stop and search for words needed to convey my thoughts. This is not even funny. As for peoples names, well, next time I meet you and I forget your name just forgive me please in advance.

Chemotherapy saves lives but new studies reveal that it may impair normal brain function resulting in memory loss, diminished concentration, difficulty multitasking and word retrieval. Encouraged that I was not hallucinating or losing my mind, I researched further on this new found neuro cognitive concept. I stumbled on a Psycho-Oncology research study which clearly describes the cognitive effects of cancer treatment. The study followed 26 women undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer and found that cognitive processes were severely affected followed by memory loss (Downie, 2006, p.921). Other studies have shown that some patients experience some amount of memory and other cognitive impairments even before going through any kind of treatment. Researchers believe that having cancer itself may be a contributing factor to the fog as the body is under stress and fights the disease. Chemo brain fog is not an imagined problem but a real medical mystery doctors and researchers continue to struggle with finding answers.

As perplexing as this whole experience is, I am just glad this damn chemo brain does not impact intelligence. It only impacts recall, attention, word finding and results in chronic fatigue. For now, I can deal with that. This whole experience has taught me that recovery is more than just looking better. I cannot wait for the fog to lift so that I can be myself once again. Until next time, stay tuned.........

Celebrating Milestones - Surprise Lunch @ Joy Bistro

Knowing someone is willing to come and sit with you to celebrate your milestones is very touching. Today is that very special day. A big thank you to everyone who came out to celebrate this major milestone in my life. What a pleasant and much appreciated surprise! Yeah! I am a chemo/radiation graduate! Thank you again to all those who were not able to make it but have been constant friends during this journey. A big shout out to my girl Krissy in Victoria busy with her Phd. Shelley my girl, I know you just got back from South Africa and are getting back to the feel of things. A big shout out to Venece you are my girl and kept me strong all the way. Another big shout out to my brother Kirby vacationing in Cuba and could not make it. Kirby you chauffered me to appointments despite your hectic schedule and you truly kept me strong with your words of encouragement. Steve, I know you would have been there but I understand. Thank you Steve for keeping me strong and giving me that dose of much needed laughter.  I have to give a shout out to Esther my girl, I love you and appreciate you. Sam my best friend in Winlow, BC, you came all the way the minute you knew I was sick and have been there every step of the way appointments and all. I love you so much. I am going to share with y'all the lovely photos of this big event filled with so much joy, love and hope...

Check out the ambience! The event was at this fabulous place called Joy Bistro on Queen Street, in Leslieville two streets from my house. Just amazing place and the food was off the chain! Hello to my fun crew who kept me up when I was down. You make me smile every single day and I appreciate y'all! If you all look up you will see me appreciating!

That is Tinashe my daughter and Karen the two secretive people who made the event possible and kept everything under wraps making sure I stayed in the dark. Hats off to you! What can I say, Tinashe you are the bomb! Karen the other bomb! Karen those massages and home visits I would not trade them for anything! By the way the massage you gave me on Saturday was so fabulous. It took me out for the next three days - have been sleeping like a baby. What about all the other massages? I have no words. Karen, you climbed this mountain with me and words alone cannot suffice. Tinashe my rock what more can I say. I love you girl...my caregiver!

Tapfuma my son the handsome photographer who took most of these photos. He was also behind the plot of keeping this whole event secret tight. Remember the nights at the emergency? And those chemo days when you had to literally babysit me? All those hugs and kisses! You are a fine young man. I love you and adore you.

Oh! Heather, Tinashe and Kinnon - you are so awesome! You were all there every step of the way. I could not have done this without y'all. I love you much! You never left me even when the tough got going! I depended on y'all! Heather, you were at my house every other day without getting weary.  You had a hectic schedule but you made me your priority. I love you so much! Kinnon, you were there all the time, even when you went to Antigonish, you still held me down with so much love- texting and messaging me. When you got back you were right there at my house lifting me up even though you were exhausted from all the driving. I love you so much!

Leo my other son, I adore you. Man you gave me such a funny bone during this whole journey. You are a true friend who knows that special song in my heart. You were there Leo singing back those lyrics when I had forgotten the words. I remember laughing during those very difficult times until my chest hurt. Thank you for being there for me.

Thats Steph, Kinnon and Heather my awesome and fabulous friends who made this journey so much easier. Steph, you were at my house every other day. You did not care that you were travelling all the way from Oakville. That is what I call true friendship! Love you Steph! I dont know how to thank you all. You were my inner core. The people I depended on every single day. I feel like I climbed this mountain with y'all just holding my hand.

Diana, I love you my dear. You picked me up at every turn of the moment. I appreciate you so much! Someone at the lunch said to me is your friend a socialite? And I said well that is my Professor many years ago, one amazing academic and mentor extraordinaire! We have come from very far my friend. I truly adore you and cherish our friendship. But, now you have acquired the new nickname of socialite.

Willi, I love you so much! You, Rauni and Stacey where the angels sent from above! You were there every step of the way and provided every single help more than I even anticipated. Thank you for being in my life and being my shelter from the storm. May God continue blessing your work at Philip Aziz Center and the many lives you touch every single day.

My favourite niece Rutendo and her lovely mom Gladys! Always there for me! I love you both! Rutendo, you are such a special little girl. In fact, you are the most well behaved and adorable little girl that I know in the whole of Canada. Good job Gladys I am so proud of you! I give you Mother of our times award! I still need to see any mother who can show me they are doing a better job than you. By the way, this award is timeless. Thank you for making those hard days easy. I appreciate you being there every other day pampering me and just dusting me off when it was tough. I love you girl and I appreciate you!

Jennifer, Heather and Karen having a pow wow. Jennifer thank you for being the first shoulder that I cried on when I got the news. You are my family because you offered me that embrace and love that I so much needed. All the other people saw me after you had done all the ground work of counselling and allaying my fears for me. You mean so much to me and I love you deeply.

Lena, my dear friend.. You have a heart of gold and I cherish my friendship with you.. Even when you were busy with assignments and your babies you tracked all the way to my house all the time. You are a true friend and I love you much...

Kinnon giving us his very broad and well build shoulders, Maurice I dont know what you are preaching, Steph lost in deep thought or attention. Maurice I adore you my friend thank you for being a true friend. You were my Professor many years ago and now my friend and mentor extraordinaire. I just feel so blessed to have you in my life.

Julie my very long time dear friend from Yonge Street Mission. I love you so much and you are like a sister to me. You have been a true friend and have cheered me on since day one. Thank you so much!

Heather and Tapfuma. I so love that picture! It reminds me so much how everyone on this blog and all the other people locally and internationally made me feel so loved and so blessed. If I were to summarize this journey, look at this picture - its saying the thousand words I wish to convey.

Marjorie and Tazvi. Marj you are a true friend and I love you. Tazvi my adopted son, what would I do without you my chauffer and my everything.  You are a fine young man and I am so proud to be called your mother. You hold a very special place in my heart.

That is Sauda, Nicholas, Me, Ziyada. Those are my three lovely adopted kids from Uganda. I love them so much. I could not have done this without them. Rashida their mom is missing and their brother Ibrahim. There are my beautiful other family.

Vuso, thank you my friend for being a true friend in times of need. I appreciate you.

Jennifer my thesis supervisor and me after she handed me my Master's of Social Work thesis which I missed receiving last year because of this incredible cancer journey. Thank you Jen for the most touching heart warming and beautiful speech. You made me feel so special. This thesis is the beginning of a new chapter for me into something bigger as you always said.

Personal is Political: Making Bald Beautiful

Say whaaaat? Yeah, I am making bald beautiful because seriously I am having issues with wearing a wig. The thing is, this whole chemo and radiation has caused havoc on my head too. My bald head rains sweat in a somewhat really crazy way. Paper towels cannot really do it as they soak with just one wipe. I have to use my little special towels every once in a while. My bald head is a sweat lodge..... Anyhow, no reason to panic, the doctor mentioned that effects of the radiation would continue working in my body for long while. This excessive head sweating basically is a result of overactive sweat glands.

The funny thing is there are times when I did bend to societal conventions and just wished I had hair on my head. How sad... So, I bought this cute little wig which I am having serious doubts about after wearing it only a couple of times. With all the excessive sweating I mentioned earlier, I start out from home wearing the wig but just end up yanking it off my head simply because it makes me feel like my head has been placed in a steamer. The sweat starts dripping on my sides Ewww! You heard right, I yank off the wig even in public. It is just so laughable and funny. After enduring these really uncomfortable sweaty sporadic episodes, I for some strange reason gathered this fake confidence and I am not really bothered by those weird penetrating stares. This is me carrying through life with self-confidence, hair or no hair. I am rocking this bald head while liberating myself from this hair hype that its all about hair. I say its all about VANITY! I am making a conscious decision to overlook the stereotypes of normality placed on bald women particularly by western society in general. I come from Southern Africa and being bald is very common among women and a fashion trend. I recall that it is customary for widows and every family member who lose their parents to shave their heads in recognition of the loss and unfortunate status.

Come to think of it, before this journey, I had never put chemical in my hair or tried the fake hair weaves or wigs. That makes me a newbie to the hype who is failing dismally. I had always kept my hair natural short or in dreadlocks. I had never thought about what hair means to me. I guess my point is, when the world sees you differently, you too start seeing the world differently. Being bald has made me acutely aware that I may be perceived differently. In fact, people interact with me differently now. What a shame. I cannot believe women need hair to have societal approval. Despite how far as a society we have come, beauty and sexuality is still tied to a woman's hair. How stupid and shallow. Head shaving should not flout conventions of acceptable feminity. What happened to the concept of beauty lies from within??? Seriously, its just hair.... The sense of freedom that I am feeling is undeniable. Unfortunately, everyone does not interpret it that way. This bald is my personal and my political right now. I reject the status quo and will swag this bald for as long as it takes for my hair to grow. I am leading the way and not looking back to see if anyone is behind me. I am loving being bald, I am rocking it and rocking it well! Can I get an AMEN!

Just being bald made me think about deconstructing hair. Is bald sexy? At first, I thought yeah absolutely! There are several men I know who are bald and really look sexy. But then, I wondered why is it so hard for me then as a woman to feel sexy in this bald swag? Then it dawned on me that unlike women, lately, men have turned natural balding into a fashion statement by shaving it all off. Moreover, men do have the comfort of knowing that there are many companions out there to relate to. I am here thinking, maybe we should have some bald barbies or rather, let me set the trend and make bald sexy for women. After this reflection, I figured seriously the head does not need hair to be attractive. If my brain is well functioning which it is, I have the capacity to project all that is attractive in any human being. Anyway, I concluded that I will make this bald a stylistic choice hoping that no one will fault me for this personal choice. I am at a place where I have accepted that cancer is now my constant companion. Therefore, I think of things differently, meaning I focus on more important things rather than stressing on superficial stuff like appearances. Its hard to explain to anyone who has not gone through all this. The thing is, cancer makes you grieve for loss of a lot of things especially those little things I will not be able to get back. Having said that, the truth is I am not sure I will be able to walk the room with the same confidence or approach situations the same way. This cancer does leave an unsightly mark on one's psyche. But, I am working on everything beginning with this bald swag.

Until next time... Stay tuned...

I Could Not Have Done this Without Y'all!

As I mark this major milestone, I just want to take this grandiose opportunity to thank y'all for your love and support during this long and challenging but enlightening journey which began 9 months ago - almost a year to be exact. I am humbled by your thoughtfulness and generosity during this very trying time of my life.

I remember vividly the dark moments when I didn't think I would see tomorrow. Those days I bargained with God. I made all sorts of promises... I am not ashamed that I did because it simply means that I am only human.  In retrospect, it does seem disrespectful but what the heck, I must confess, in my time of crisis, I did try to make desperate deals with God. I forgot that God does not need to be persuaded to be kind or merciful. During those days, I felt like I was walking in this very dark tunnel with no silver lining in near sight.

It is your kind words, emails, cards phone calls, visits and prayers that kept me afloat. I cannot forget the rides to the hospital... I felt the love and felt so lifted up in ways I cannot describe.  I feel so blessed to be part of this big global village that carried me through this journey. You all rallied around me igniting in me such an indomitable will that I never thought I had. For that I am forever grateful! You gave me strength when I felt weak and you gave me hope instead of letting me wallow in self pity and defeat. You were all there cheering me on and reminding me that I was strong and I could do this and I did. It sounded so unimaginable then, but I truly admit, it is what helped me stay afloat especially those times when I felt like giving up.

You gave me reason to keep fighting. You touched my hand and I could sure touch the sky. I am grateful that you helped me see the best that is in me. Thank you for all the gentle pushes...Your support is what allowed me to stay strong even when I felt weak. I could never have made it through this cancer journey without y'all. I am eternally grateful for every single thing big and small.

Even though this cancer left my life shattered in pieces, I will put them back together as I redefine my life course. Cancer has indeed changed my life in every single way. I have talked about this before how cancer has taught me to live in the now. Going forward, I am learning to slow down and really experience life and the world around me. I am looking forward to walking this continuous road with you because I still believe its not a road one can walk alone.

THANK YOU ALL!!!

Hooray! Just Finished Radiation - #17 to # 20

Today, I had my last radiation blast which means, I am so done, done, done with all treatments and yeah, I am ready to move forward with my life. Wait a minute.... I am doing the happy dance here...... I am a Rad Grad.... Thats me and my dearest daughter/caregiver Tinashe wearing our big smiles in the clinic just after my last radiation blast. The last and final one....  Drumroll please........ Thank you!

I AM DONE AND I AM STILL STANDING STRONG!!! Yeah, I am holding my special mask used during the radiation treatment. Now a souvenir.... any takers - bidders??? Calling once, calling twice... Ha ha ha ha... Just kidding. I am just excited that today marks a big milestone in my life.... I feel like I climbed this very high mountain and now I am standing on top of the mountain and just looking down at the mental gymnastics and the physical aches and pains that I endured this past year. Sighhh....

Wooo hooooo! It is such a wonderful feeling! I probably will not be able to sleep tonight and the following couple of days! It will probably only sink in next week when I dont have to hop into a taxi to go for my daily treatments. I cannot believe that I have come to the end of this truly arduous and formidable journey - Nine long months to be exact. Wow! today, Friday marks the final countdown. I just wish you could all see me. Budding like flower - ready to blossom. Can you believe it has almost been a year since I embarked on this onerous and no picnic journey? This mountain? Maan! it was or rather is high because I feel like I am still climbing. I still have obstacles, challenges and difficulties. Therefore, I am still work in progress. Incredible! I am not a talented singer but, hey right now I am singing "I have overcome, la la la la..". I am singing just to satisfy that basic human need to express emotions in a way that completely satisfies my whole being. And guess what, it is giving me absolute emotional tranquility. I am over that bleak and gloomy feeling that ever doubted the existence of a silver lining.

Even though I am still struggling with the side effects of radiation especially nausea and fatigue. I am feeling so happy that this treacherous journey has come to an end. I dont really care about the sores in my mouth and the difficulty I am experiencing with swallowing. When I look in the mirror, I see this big ugly and sore black burn on my neck. Wait, did I tell y'all that my gums have turned black from radiation. My teeth are sensitive and my finger nails and toe nails are black. But, hey its okay compared to what I have just gone through this is minor. My Chemo Oncologist has given me an appointment for early March to do all the testing again to make sure these cancer suckers are gone. At first, I thought wow, March is kinda far, but incidentally, the radiation continues to work on my body for the next four weeks and by the time I see my Oncologist, hopefully the side effects would have either gone or diminished. So, stay tuned like always......