Hooray! Just Finished Radiation - #17 to # 20

Today, I had my last radiation blast which means, I am so done, done, done with all treatments and yeah, I am ready to move forward with my life. Wait a minute.... I am doing the happy dance here...... I am a Rad Grad.... Thats me and my dearest daughter/caregiver Tinashe wearing our big smiles in the clinic just after my last radiation blast. The last and final one....  Drumroll please........ Thank you!

I AM DONE AND I AM STILL STANDING STRONG!!! Yeah, I am holding my special mask used during the radiation treatment. Now a souvenir.... any takers - bidders??? Calling once, calling twice... Ha ha ha ha... Just kidding. I am just excited that today marks a big milestone in my life.... I feel like I climbed this very high mountain and now I am standing on top of the mountain and just looking down at the mental gymnastics and the physical aches and pains that I endured this past year. Sighhh....

Wooo hooooo! It is such a wonderful feeling! I probably will not be able to sleep tonight and the following couple of days! It will probably only sink in next week when I dont have to hop into a taxi to go for my daily treatments. I cannot believe that I have come to the end of this truly arduous and formidable journey - Nine long months to be exact. Wow! today, Friday marks the final countdown. I just wish you could all see me. Budding like flower - ready to blossom. Can you believe it has almost been a year since I embarked on this onerous and no picnic journey? This mountain? Maan! it was or rather is high because I feel like I am still climbing. I still have obstacles, challenges and difficulties. Therefore, I am still work in progress. Incredible! I am not a talented singer but, hey right now I am singing "I have overcome, la la la la..". I am singing just to satisfy that basic human need to express emotions in a way that completely satisfies my whole being. And guess what, it is giving me absolute emotional tranquility. I am over that bleak and gloomy feeling that ever doubted the existence of a silver lining.

Even though I am still struggling with the side effects of radiation especially nausea and fatigue. I am feeling so happy that this treacherous journey has come to an end. I dont really care about the sores in my mouth and the difficulty I am experiencing with swallowing. When I look in the mirror, I see this big ugly and sore black burn on my neck. Wait, did I tell y'all that my gums have turned black from radiation. My teeth are sensitive and my finger nails and toe nails are black. But, hey its okay compared to what I have just gone through this is minor. My Chemo Oncologist has given me an appointment for early March to do all the testing again to make sure these cancer suckers are gone. At first, I thought wow, March is kinda far, but incidentally, the radiation continues to work on my body for the next four weeks and by the time I see my Oncologist, hopefully the side effects would have either gone or diminished. So, stay tuned like always......

Happy New Year! Radiation # 13 to # 16

Apart from the New Year count down just beginning, this week has been uneventful. Just the usual routine of going to the hospital for radiation treatments everyday. Its exhausting but not so bad. The good news is that now that my treatment digits are now in the double digits, I am beginning to feel good for the most part. A feeling that I had thought had left me given the many uphills and bumps that I had to go through this far.

As I proceed to do the countdown - not of the New Year, but of my radiation treatment plan I can see the light that had begun to flicker and diminish for a long while. I am beginning to visualize the many things I would like to do once all this is over. The feeling is so good that I can now honestly say I am going to be alright. The feeling just makes me look back to where this journey began and reflect. Yeah! life is so unpredictable! Anyway, that light at the end of the tunnel is no longer an illusion.  I can see it and I can feel and I can touch it and I can taste it!

Otherwise, that makes this week the best so far.  I guess its because the holiday spirit is still in the air and gets contagious. I was sick this Friday though for some strange reason, even just getting up was a chore. Just aches and pains but with popping some pain killers here and there as well as soaking in all the holiday spirit around, I am doing just fine and getting ready to have a quiet and laid back New Year.

Despite everything that we have all faced, I dare y'all we can always still find something to be thankful for and continue to have hope for the future!

I would like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a Happy new year! I wish you all a happy 2012 filled with Joy, Happiness, Good Health and Prosperity!

Most of all, thank you for your unwavering support during this incredible journey. You really made this journey easier for me as I felt all your love envelope me from all the bumps and hurdles! I just feel so blessed! I am grateful for all your support and I am truly humbled that so many of you took time to just rally around me during this difficult year. Thank you so much for stopping by and all the encouragement. It is all greatly appreciated.

With that said, put on your party hats and raise a toast to all the good times!

I love y'all!

Happy New Year!

This Week in Focus - Radiation # 8 to # 12

I cannot believe I am at # 12 of my radiation treatment. Can you believe that I am getting used to being claustrophobic while inside the treatment mask? Its been hard ya'll! The treatment mask gives me this distressing emotion and fear of being afraid that I may not be able to explain. It sounds really weird but the truth is I realized that this fear I was experiencing was my own self-fulfilling prophesy. I cannot believe having this radiation mask was truly posing such an emotional challenge on my psyche. Each single day, I noticed that this fear of having the mask on my face during treatment was dominating my reasoning causing me untold fear. I just felt this overwhelming apprehension that escalated to my heart pounding needlessly. I had sweaty palms and my muscles were tense. Every time the radiation oncology nurse tells me to relax, I realized I did have a problem and I thought what am I going to do about this?

Anyway, it dawned on me that I needed to develop some kind of strategy to deal with this dilemma because the journey was still on. I just decided maybe if I closed my eyes and take myself to a happy place it would do the trick. Well, I am happy to report that I have tried this and it has worked this far. Can you believe that I got my freedom from not allowing all this fear to run rampant causing me such stress during treatment. Even though the nausea keeps bothering me, I must say given a choice, this radiation process is definitely much easier than chemotherapy. I am getting my energy back and yeah am getting my groove back and getting ready to be myself once again. Its Christmas this weekend people! It is the season to be happy!

I am wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas and may this season bring abundant joy and happiness in your life! May Santa be extra good to y'all!

To my Jewish friends, Happy Hanukkah! I am sending you wishes full of happiness, good tidings and divine blessings this Hanukkah.

Be kind to one another....

Its Christmas! But Radiation continues. So far, Day # 3 to # 7 done

I cannot believe its Christmas! No, I am not saying that with any enthusiasm or gusto at all. This is one heck of a Christmas where I accept the title of Grinch who stole Christmas without shame. Its funny that in the Western world the pandemonium about gifts is nothing but very fascinating. I don't know why I am surprised because in Africa, christmas was a colonial invention. Back home, its more about decompressing for probably four days getting together with family including extended family. Its not a one day event and people spend the whole four days sleeping over and having fun. In fact, growing up, I don't recall any frenzy about buying gifts. Its only young children who get new clothes and toys. Instead, everyone is all excited about receiving their end of year bonus affectionately called "the 13th Cheque". Everyone is excited and planning and budgetting including upgrading their furniture or making big purchases like a house or a car. What stands out for me was how everyone was all excited about going to spend Christmas with their parents or in-laws who often live far away and distance does not matter. Thank God my parents live one hour from the capital city and that always made it easy for all of us. Let me tell you about my fabulous family -  it is exactly like the Madea Reunion if you know what I mean. I chuckle every time I watch that movie. Yeah, my family is really XXXLarge. Given an opportunity my family can make up a small town on their own. I miss you all and all the good times at this time of the year. I wish you a fabulous Christmas filled with joy and happiness.

My radiation treatments will continue without a break except for the usual weekend. How can I get excited when these treatments leave me constantly nauseated and cranky for the most part? No amount of positive thoughts or affirmations can make me feel any better for now. Just saying! With that said, I hope you have all done your preparations and shopping. To the  "procrastinators" don't stress you still have a couple of days to run around. Don't sweat and don't break a leg at the mall!

After a somewhat long hiatus, I figured since I am having radiation every single day it would be much easier for me to post on a weekly basis unless there is something really pressing to report on. The daily radiation treatments have been really hectic and leave me with all my energy depleted. Every time I am done with radiation I just feel so drained and cannot even engage in small talk. I find myself dozing and just snoozing away sporadically without any warning. Here is the interesting tit bit, this week as I was lying down having my radiation, I suddenly heard Christmas corals playing in the room. Geez! I thought, "Joy to the world?" really? I don't think so. As I lay there I thought I am having the worst time of my life and joy doesn't really fit into this equation.

First off, its uncomfortable and claustrophobic wearing the special radiation mask. To make it worse, you are screwed onto this hard bed..... Secondly, I am nauseated every single day and eating has become a chore because I am constantly worried that it will come out. Then, I also thought, maybe I am being a Grinch who hates Christmas just because I cannot eat properly. I just finished 5 treatments of radiation from Monday to Friday and the thing that is bothering me a lot is the nausea and vomiting. That has been the biggest issue for me so far. However, I am glad that I had an appointment with my Radiation Oncologist today and he gave me a script for some more drugs that are supposed to help. I keep wondering once this is all done how much toxicity will I be carrying around?

Radiation Day # 1

Today I had my first radiation treatment. Before registration I was just so nervous and anxious remembering the just so devastating process of chemo. Yeah I am scarred for life...I kid you not - I have PTSD! (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Its funny that this whole cancer journey has turned me into such a sceptic. Despite my radiation oncologist telling me that radiation was not as bad as chemo I did not believe him one bit given these medical people are taught to make you feel as comfortable as possible rather than raise your anxieties. Remember radiation is localized therapy so you don't feel the the effects like chemo. Radiation is given via machines called linear accelerators which produce high energy external radiation beams that penetrate the tissues and deliver radiation dose deep into the areas where the cancer resides.

Anyway, Tinashe came into the treatment room with me. Since she had not seen the simulation process when the mask was created, she was not only amused, but I could see that she was nervous as they started placing the mask on my face and bolting me down onto the bed. She took that picture and kept holding my hand and kept asking me if I was okay. Thats me inside that dreadful white mask and lying down under the radiation machine. Thank God, my hands are not bolted in. So at least I can communicate using hands. You guessed right I could only lift my hand to respond that I was okay. Who can talk when they are all wrapped up in that mask seriously. There is no room for talking you immediately turn into sign language. Two very pleasant radiation nurses placed the mask onto my face and I got bolted down so that I stay put. I know that is the only part that felt creepy and makes you feel claustrophobic, but, I got over that after a little while.

Anyway, unlike chemotherapy the set up takes quite long yet the treatment part takes less time. Once treatment started Tinashe was asked to leave the room and the oncology nurses left too. I was left alone and I was under the radiation machine for about 20 minutes and I was done. In comparison to the dreadful chemotherapy, give me radiation any time. It was much easier than I anticipated and I was really happy about that. After treatment the nurse advised me that I will be seeing my Radiation Oncologist once every week so I am seeing him tomorrow. Also, each day before treatment I have to go through the assessment room which evaluates how well I am tolerating the radiation and monitor any side effects. How cool is that? I feel so privileged that I am under such extraordinary, amazing and thorough care. These are things I never take for granted, I just feel so humbled and I am so grateful. I may be feeling unwell but I look for bits of pleasure in each hour and every moment. I have gratitude in my heart because I find that it unlocks the fullness of life and turns what I have into enough and even more than I can ask for. I just feel so blessed!

More tomorrow....

Getting Ready for Radiation Therapy - The Radiation Mask

First and foremost, I must say mother nature is right on cue, it has started snowing outside... I can see flurries through my window which probably means we will have a white Christmas. I don't know whether I should be excited or dread the awful winters to come that make Canada what it is. Anyway, I had an appointment with my Radiation Oncologist today. We went over again the side effects and what to expect once treatment starts. By now you all know each treatment has its advantages as well as pitfalls. After our conversation he sent me to the radiation department where I met with the radiation therapists to begin moulding the mask you see on the left. That is the tailor made radiation simulation mask that will be used for my radiation treatment. No, its not a painful process. Before you know it its over. You just lie down under the donut machine while they do their thing.

So the process is called radiation simulation. It involves making a mask that will fit over my face and neck and will be bolted to the table during each radiation treatment. The purpose of the mask is ensure my head stays in position during treatment while at the same time protecting my other body parts from irradiation since radiation is targeted therapy. Meaning the radiation is focused on the spot where the tumours where identified. Radiation is supposed to kill or slow the growth of cancer cells.Everything including my treatment schedule will be finalized in liaison with my Oncologist and hopefully I should be looking at starting treatment in about 10 days. Stay tuned......

First Appointment with Radiation Oncologist

After my last appointment with my Chemo Oncologist, he had advised me that he was going to schedule an appointment for me to see the Radiation Oncologist just before I complete my chemo rounds. This new oncologist is supposed to plan and oversee my radiation treatment. So, my appointment was scheduled for today at the same hospital just a different wing. When I got there it was packed with so many people and this did not help my crabby mood. I was feeling really unwell, I had aches and pains. I waited for so long before I saw the Oncologist and then after I had been directed to those private rooms in readiness to see him. I thought for a moment, I had been forgotten. I waited and waited, stood up, walked around, twiddled my thumbs and I can assure you I was just so pissed and was ready to lose it.  By the time the Radiation Oncologist came to see me I was at the end of my rope. But, here is the funny part, the guy is so nice and connects with you on such a human level that there is no way I could not smile. He made me forget instantly that I had been feeling very upset.

Anyway, this doctor is so nice that I just feel so blessed that as this journey continues to progress, I keep being connected to such an amazing medical team who connect with me on a human level - more than I can ask for. As usual, the conversation started with how this was going to completely eradicate the cancer cells. Followed by information on how the radiation is going to impact my life - that is the side effects which are not supposed to be as bad as chemo but who knows. After my experience with chemo so far, I feel that the medical people downplay the impact and adverse effects. I don't blame them because if I knew what I know now I think my mental state would be in Cuckooland!  I was given enough information to stress me enough for the rest of the week hence my delay in posting. The cure of this cancer is absolutely worse than the disease.

I was really shocked that I am going to have 15 rounds of radiation. I never imagined it was going to be so much more than even 5. After he said this, I went into a daze and refused to take any further reading material about how this is going to impact my life. Specifically, that the radiation is going to affect my left saliva glands which will stop producing saliva for a long long time. The radiation is going to burn my skin turning it to very dark - like I am not dark already, I will have trouble swallowing. Really? I thought, this is just too much! How much more can I take? I think he noticed that I was visibly shaken. He continued to explained that it was necessary because the radiation would kill any cancer cells left behind that chemo did not get. He said that after chemo there is always a chance that some rogue cancer cells are still in the body and may not be visible on the last PET scan once chemo is done. I will write some more on radiation in another posting.  Until then I am doing a countdown for my chemo appointment next week. Then, the vicious cycle begins again mouth sores, fatigue, tingling, aches and pains, nausea etc, etc. Stay tuned.....