Do's and Dont's of Supporting People Battling Cancer

Here are some Do's and Don'ts of when supporting someone you know with cancer I just want to share with y'all. I will keep growing the list just be warned...

Here are some Dont's!

1. Don't say..let me know if there is anything I can do...I hate that..it puts the pressure on me to decide what you can do. Just be a friend..
2. Don't take the anger that may come personally, people who have cancer and are undergoing chemo have a right to be angry. I am just trying to keep exclusive control of my emotions.
3. Don't ignore me..yes sadly I have had a friend do this.. Guess cancer makes some people uncomfortable..good thing they dont have it!
4. Don't ask me about my hair..Its chemo..and you have eyes..and do not email someone going through chemo to ask.."are you worried about losing your hair"? Are you kidding? Im worried I have cancer..
5. "Don't give up"...Ok I'm going through chemo..taking tons of meds..getting tests, etc..does that shout I'm giving up??
6. Don't do the head tilt! You know I say I have cancer and you tilt your head and say ooh....
7. Don't tell me I look great. I have a mirror.
8. I know how old I am so please don't say "but you're so young"
9. Don't tell me stories of people that you know that have had my cancer and died and then say "but don't worry you're going to beat it"
10. Remember I can see your facial expressions. Think about this before you react to what I am telling you.
11. Don't give me the poor you! face while I am getting chemo.
12. It's ok to hug me. I won't break. In fact, I need it.
13. Everything revolves around cancer, call me and ask if I watched Desperate Housewives before you ask how I'm feeling.
14. I AM NOT CONTAGIOUS
15. Don't say you are sorry, please! You did not give me cancer!
16. Don't do the bickering with me its not the right time and I am feeling so exhausted!

Here is What you can do:

1. Be a friend..let me know you love me..and are thinking about me..
2.Do listen and hear what they have to say or how they feel, many times it is best to keep your mouth shut and your heart open.
3. Offer a ride to or from chemo..
4. Sit with me during chemo cause it does get lonely..and thats when we need support. (ask first though..some people prefer to be alone).
5. Let your friend know you are there for them..no matter what..offer to do things..and stick to it..
6. If your friend with cancer has children..offer to babysit..even an hour can do wonders..
7. No body will ever turn down food..Chemo days..and the days after, you won't have the energy to cook for your family..its nice if you don't have too..
8. When you are better and you kick cancers ass...gather your friends...and celebrate and let them know how vital they were to your well being..and that you love them...
9.Oh yes...Fuck cancer...

Just a Different Perspective on Common Decency

Are disagreements inevitable? Absolutely yes! If they are usually heated, then it is safe to say that it is a problem because it becomes an argument. There are two types of people in society. There are people who are argumentative then there are those that are quarrelsome. At this pivotal point of my life, I prefer to avoid both because they are detrimental to my health. The problem with arguments is that they tend to be loud, emotionally charged and mostly have very little to do with hearing what the other person's perspective is about. It becomes more about proving your point which does not serve any constructive purpose. Arguments tend to be very stressful, toxic and draining and do not lead to any solutions. Arguments can start out small as a meaningless thing and snowball into a life disaster. The tendency of arguments is the desire by each individual to try and convince the other person to see things from our point of view. Bad idea! Why is it that in any argument we always believe that we are the one in the right? This makes us not listen to the other person's arguments and enter into a war of words. I think some people love to argue all the time because they have deep seated anger that they have yet to resolve. I strongly believe that wanting to be right all the time can be a sign of insecurity or just a desire to hear one's voice talk all the time.

Are you one of those people constantly offering your opposing opinion when it is not asked for? Do you find yourself constantly using the word "but" during conversation with others? Then, you may be an argumentative talker. Here is the thing, if you experience many people say, "you just love to argue" or "why do you always argue?" or "I don't want to fight with you". Or, after an argument its all about you, you and you are a victim? What that means is you are egotistical and self-absorbed, you need to reconsider your approach to how you are communicating. You may be coming across as sharp, cutting and critical by implication or assuming the world rotates around you. Therefore, it may be important that you determine why you need to be "right" or make someone else "wrong" in the course of heated discussions because that is a problem! Rather than pointing fingers and blaming others, it may be time to reflect on how your own actions affect others because we cannot change other people but we can strive to change ourselves. If we focus on our ourselves and our own issues it keeps us from being critical, judgemental and victim mentality, all of which are negative characteristics. Therefore, if other people are frustrating us by how they act or what they say we will become negative. All this to say, if we thought we didn't have a plank in our eye, I guess we do now! But, you can still be the positive change you want to see in others.

On the other hand, disagreements tend to be simply a difference of opinion and resolving such issues does not mean you have to agree. You just respect the other person's decision and move on. Arguments are stupid because a single argument has the potential to destroy a lifetime relationship. Yes, its that easy to destroy a relationship! Therefore, next time when you decide to get into an argument, do it with a rationality and healthiness of the human mind as opposed to insanity so that you do not destroy your relationships or the people around you. And don't get into heated arguments with anyone facing a life threatening illness because their plate is full already. It is a low blow and a hit below the belt of what is considered acceptable or compassionate behaviour. Its called crossing the proverbial line of common decency! Just, remember, an argument often stops being helpful when it turns into a duet presentation or a screaming match at each other at the same time. Once upon a time, I was one to never back down in an argument but with time, I have learned to let go of the demons that caused me to do so. More importantly, one of my life lessons is that in any type of argument there are no winners or losers except broken relationships. I value all my relationships and live by the philosophy espoused by Epictetus the Greek philosopher which states, "When we are offended at any man's fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings, then you will forget your anger". I know I may be sounding cliche the more I keep saying that cancer is teaching me that life is too precious to sweat the small stuff. But, I truly mean it. Life is too precious to destroy it with silly arguments.

Cancer is like a gift to me that gives me clarity and purpose. If you ask me, cancer forces you not only to focus on what is important but prioritizing and not sweating the small stuff. I used to get angry at trivial stuff or engage in silly and worthless arguments. But, I have come to realize that, indeed, life does move at a rapid speed and in that process, it is easy to lose sight of what is important in this precious life. In the "end" I would not want to look back on my life with regrets. So, I am choosing to pick everything positive and letting go of anything negative. What I know for sure is that if I am going to be crying it better be related to this Hodgkins not because someone or anyone is trying to get under my skin. This is because according to every story of cancer I have come across so far, it is a positive attitude that will carry me through every down and every valley. It is a positive attitude that makes a difference in this battle with cancer. How do I maintain this positive attitude? I am prompted to draw a line in the sand because of this very interesting article that I read today that talks about how arguments or nasty fights can be hazardous to your health. Did you know that when discussions disintergrate into flurry of words, our immune systems pay the price. It is argued that the same stress hormones like cortisol that kick in as a reactive force when we face imminent danger, the same substances reduce our body's supply of disease fighting immune cells. Given these scientific facts, I am learning to re-evaluate my life path and not lose sight of what is important in my life at this very moment - guarding my immune system which is compromised!

Staging Procedure # 4: CT Scan

As the chemo countdown continues, I had the final staging test which is the CT scan. Some more needle poking and hopefully the last but not least of many more to come. I am sure by now everyone is familiar with this kind of test which is thorough in that it shows the detailed image of internal organs. For me, my test was centered on my head and my chest. The CT scan will help my oncologist determine if the lymph notes in my head or chest are enlarged. The CT scan involved taking several pictures as it rotates around upper body. Before the scan, I was given an IV injection which stayed in my arm throughout the process. The procedure took 1 hour of just being still. The IV was used to inject a contrast dye that helps outline the abnormal areas in my body.  When the dye is injected you get a feeling of warmth and funny taste in the mouth. During the test you life still on the table as it moves in and out of the scanner which looks like a big ring or donought. No big deal though. However, I like the way you are given this big talk about how some people can get allergic reaction to the dye resulting in hives or trouble breathing. Then they give you a special card in case something happens to take the card with you to the emergency. Well, thank you very much for just reminding me how much toxicity I am willingly getting into my body.

Forgiveness

Appreciating life is being able to wake up in the morning and knowing that the world is not perfect and that it is important to be in tune with both the negative and positive. Rather than grieve over life it is better to appreciate it with its ups and downs. Today, I just wanted to reflect on Forgiveness. To quote the words of a wise man, Mahatma Ghandi, "Forgiveness is a special attribute of the strong". Though, forgiveness is elusive, I believe I possess those strong qualities because I try to live my life walking forgiveness. I never let the sun go down on my wrath or an argument. In my life, I have learnt forgiveness the hard way. This is because I learnt that, to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you all along! How profound! I believe forgiveness is a journey similar to the journey with Hodgkin's that I am undertaking right now, where you want the cancer grip to be lessened but don't have an inclination of how or will power to follow through. Forgiveness loosens the grip and holds the key to our own happiness as we stop defining ourselves by the way we have been hurt.

Some may argue that each individual has a right to their indignation and that some things are too despicable to forgive. My argument is that forgiveness is all about finding peace in your heart and has very little to do with the other person. To withhold forgiveness means you are choosing to remain a victim. Therefore, forgiveness is a simple act of imagining a future based on the possibility that your hurt will not be the final word on the matter. Forgiveness has the power to give you control over your life by taking responsibility of your past in order to change your future. Therefore, forgiveness is a gift you can choose to give yourself. Forgiveness is not just about forgiving others it is about forgiving yourself as well. In fact, learning to forgive ourselves is much harder than forgiving others. This is because it is difficult to let go of that critical voice narrating your every move.

I do not want to sound too philosophical (like my children would remind me all the time) but, in my view forgiveness does have the immense power to turn misery into joy; it means choosing to let go and moving on. Who can question the beauty of moving on? When someone you love and trust hurts you it is easy to become very angry, bitter, sad or confused. But, dwelling on such hurtful events or situations and grudges can result in resentment and hostility all of which has been scientifically proven is detrimental to one's health. Look who is talking... I guess when mortality knocks on your door, there is a deep sense of intuition that propels you to become in tune with the meaning of life and the things that make us better human beings. I have learnt in my life that forgiveness has the power to change us from prisoners of the past to liberated people who are at peace with our memories. Don't get me wrong, forgiveness is not about forgetting what has been done to us. It is about accepting that we have a choice to make our future much more than dwelling on past hurts. I believe forgiveness is making that choice to restore faith in ourselves and our complex lives. Again, forgiving does not mean that you forget. You can forgive and still feel the pain tomorrow all over again.  The difference is that as life goes on when you feel that pain, you choose to remember that you have forgiven and proceed on your journey to happiness. Time has a way of dulling that kind of pain and it will eventually fade.

When I speak of negative feelings of hurt, I know how they can control you to the extent that it crowds out any positive feelings you may have for that person. I must admit, I have found myself more than I care to count, almost swallowed up by such bitterness and found myself just feeling that horrible sense of injustice that makes you an ugly person inside. I am not embarrassed to confess these feelings because I know for a fact that forgiveness is not an easy topic for many people. However, I am living testament that forgiveness can lead the person who hurt you to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion. I must confess that forgiveness is not an easy thing to do and I will be the first one to admit that I am still work in progress. At times I just feel like a precariously broken bridge under construction. I am sure you are all wondering where I am going with all this....Today I received a letter that melted my heart confirming the beauty of forgiveness that I am professing here. I received a letter from Tapfuma's dad whom I have not spoken too in a long time, as I continue to celebrate life because I believe a birthday should be celebrated for more than a day because life is such a unique gift that keeps on giving. This letter which I am going to share with ya'll just reminded me about the power of forgiveness, particularly its power to compel compassion and understanding.

Thank you Ticharwa Garabga for this life defining moment of how we move forward. Being the successful and brilliant lawyer that you are, I certainly appreciate your humility and courage to admit you were wrong. It means a lot to me. Most of all, I appreciate all the memorable love, happiness and goodness you brought to my life over the years and the gift of life that is Tapfuma. I forgave you a long time ago and today, I forgive you again because I know that you are a good man, but now you need to be a good dad - its never too late to pick up the pieces. For the ten years we were together I have nothing bad to say about you. Really, you were truly an amazing man! And I know it is the distance that set  us apart and I understand that living in different countries can be a challenge. I remember I used to call you "Mr. Charming" - for good reason and you gave that same charm, confidence, intelligence and sensitivity to your son. He is a true winner in life! He has swagga and is just your replica incarnate! I just don't know what happened with you being the best dad you always were for almost half of his life. I want you to know that being a good man alone is not enough when you have brought an innocent life into this world. You assume a new and coveted role of "fatherhood". There is never a good reason enough that can ever justify abandoning your key responsibilities and role as a father - except selfishness of course! Lest you have forgotten, boys need constant modelling from their fathers so that they can learn how to manage and appreciate their masculinity particularly how to relate to females and other males. I am sure you do not want your son to suffer from the negative experience of emotional numbness or selective amnesia of recalling the hurt of abandonment. Anyway, I think I have said enough.

Moving forward, lets bury the hatchet and hope that you do the right thing and be present in your son's life because you brought him into this world. Above all, I hope you can avail yourself to answer for yourself his poignant questions which are: "Why is my dad such a prick to ignore me like this? I never asked to be born" "Why doesn't my dad like me?" "What did I do to him not to care about me?" (he says). Those are the most difficult and painful questions a child can ask and leave a capable mother like me speechless and chocking in tears. It is not my intention to chide you in this public space but I am compelled by the circumstances of being confronted with my own mortality to just speak out and hopefully knock some sense into you. I don't take anything for granted anymore and I am more fearful than I used to be. Life just feels so fragile. I have done my part of telling your son, What and How everything happened but it is your duty to deal with the Why? because you hold those answers. I have given him the starting point that, no matter our feelings or perspective, there is one great commandment with a promise that compels us to honour our father and mother so that our days may be many in the land that Jehovah our God gave us. Still, your son needs you because I believe, just as children need parameters, all of us adults need some kind of yardstick by which we can measure ourselves as parents. It is my strong belief that seeking to define that which makes us good parents no matter how far apart we are, leads us towards a critical consideration of those responsibilities which are greater than the self. With that said, here is the beautiful and touching letter from a man I respect and still hold in high regard because in my skewed view, his goodness surpasses his mistakes:

Dear Amai Tapfuma,

I may not have joined on your journey but I want to let you know I follow it religiously. I am short of anything to say because despite all the education and exposure, I always shall remain the rusti cultured person I believe I am and shall always be. I read your birthday message to Tapfuma- Chikonamombe, I shed a tear or more. You are a wonderful God given parent not just to him but to all your kids. 21st September is a day I always bear in mind like I do the birthdays  of all my children. I was saying Tapfuma is now 18 that day. Some mysteriously originated e-mail message is the distance between me and my son and being both proud Garabga's the impasse continues. Please intervene, I am ready to swallow my pride.

Do carry on, on the journey, I shall continue to follow.

Baba vaTapfuma- Mbuya Chikonamombe.

Celebrating Life - Its Tapfuma's 18th Birthday

Lets celebrate just living and lets make everyday a holiday! Today, I celebrate life and the beauty that it bestows upon all of us. I may be sick but its important that we celebrate life and still stand strong when adversity hits. Yesterday was my son Tapfuma's 18th birthday and I feel it is befitting that I honour and appreciate this special man in my life who brings joy not only to me, but to every person he encounters. He is a true blessing! I am therefore sharing with you the special letter I wrote to him.

Dear Tapfuma Garabga:

To tell you the truth, I am already a complete mess because its your 18th birthday. I am a bundle of emotions and uncontrollable tears just thinking where did the past 18 years go? I wish your lovely dad Ticharwa Garabga would see you. He would be so proud! Now, all these plans to go to University out of Province and living alone! Phew! time went by so fast. Thank God, all my tears hold no regrets. They are all tears of joy just knowing that you have grown into an incredible man that you are. I love you so much more than you could ever imagine and I am so proud of you. You are the joy and light of my life. Now, let me try to describe the gift that you have given me even though I know it may be a major undertaking. You have given to me the gift of love. You have taught me how to say "I love you" as many times as I see you. And those hugs and kisses mean so much to me. You are so loving and so giving. I am unable to articulate it into words that anyone can comprehend. I am so grateful that God gave us such a loving and close relationship. I remember when you were young most people told me to "enjoy that you talk to me so openly - others said it will not always be that way". Thank you for proving every one of them wrong!

But, how did you get to be so tall even taller than me? How did you get so independent, so capable, so complex and so funny? You are not only unconditionally present but, absolutely real and so loving. As I anticipate your transition to adulthood whatever that means, I still find it difficult to put it into words. There are so many more things I still want to teach you because I feel that you have many more wonderful stages of life still to come. I want you to know that no matter how many lemons life sends you, I will be there to see you through putting them up on Ebay for sale. If I am not there in person, then I will be in your heart. I know... I know.. I always say children don't come with a" User Manual" but here is the user manual advice I have for you. In life, always take responsibility for your actions irrespective of whether they are good or bad. And remember that in this  life if you cannot change something, it is always better to change the way you think about whatever it is.

Just, like , I have told you before, life can be cruel and there may be suffering along the way. When that happens, don't allow such hiccups to make you retreat from life. Face your challenges and celebrate your victories. Be open to new experiences and to new people because it is these incredible people who will create the best times of your life and will be there during your toughest times. You are an intelligent young man and I don't ever want to hear you use CAN'T as an excuse. ALWAYS TRY even when you can't. For sure you will meet some people who will try to outdo you, but remember my anthem, "Life is not a competition. Its a journey". So if you spend that journey just trying to impress others or outdoing others, trust me - you will be wasting your journey. Instead, I want you to turn your life into a journey of happiness, love, constant learning and continual improvement. Always be kind to others even when you feel they are undeserving. Let others see you from the inside and share your amazing spirit with them. And, remember, it is okay to show your true feelings and resist bending to the gender stereotypes. They are man-made just like racial stereotypes. We have talked about this already and I know that you are well informed. Most important, love yourself even when others may criticize you. I want you to always know that you are nothing less than the wonderful, sensitive, funny, strong, loyal, multifaceted and intuitive young man that I am so profoundly proud of to call my son. I want you to be proud of your efforts in life and always give thanks for the efforts of others. Most of all, remember that respect is not assigned, but earned. Because respect is a continuous effort, recognize that it occurs with every interaction you will have. So, earn it every single day and give it generously. Welcome to adulthood and take your place. Finally, enjoy your adulthood and know that I love you unconditionally!

Much Love
Your Mom

Staging Procedure # 3 : Pulmonary Function Test

Today I will keep it short. The nagging blinding migraine continues to bother me and I just need to drink lots of water and lie down. I have no doubt the radioactive waves from yesterday are responsible for this unfortunate episode. Of all the tests I have done so far, the Pulmonary Function Test was one of the easiest at least because there is no needle poking which I have come to detest so much. Also it takes very little effort and less time. This test is done because remember I am going to get the ABVD chemo treatment. So, the "B" bleomycin in chemo can damage the lungs. As you can see, each letter in the acronym represents some really toxic stuff  that may harm vital internal organs hence constant monitoring is required. While I am assured constantly that the chances of toxicity are rare, my neurotic psyche keeps going to that place which is not healthy for me - the worst!  Just the idea of this toxic stuff sends my brain into a spin. The purpose of the Pulmonary Function Test is to evaluate respiratory health before and during chemo treatment. The test also called PFT helps my oncologist evaluate how well my lungs are working as well as determine the best treatment for me. The process entailed me breathing into a tight fitting mouthpiece connected to a machine and a nose clip. I could see the machine measuring how much air I was breathing in and out over a certain amount of time. The nurse was giving me instructions to make either deep breaths or hold the breath etc, which was very straight forward. The second part involved me sitting in a chair in a little cubicle that looks like a telephone booth with an intercom inside for the instructions. Again, you breathe into a mouth piece following instructions and within a few minutes it was done. Thats it for now. Until later......

Staging Procedure # 2 - Cardiac Nuclear Imaging or MUGA scan

I must say today despite the aches and pains, I am in great spirits and feeling upbeat. I started my day quite early as has become some kind of norm where my day starts off at 6am to get to the 8am medical appointments on time. Today, I went in for a test called Cardiac Nuclear Imaging.  If you are neurotic like me you are wondering what the hell? I did the same too, only my fears were alleviated by the Nuclear Medicine Physician who was so kind enough to spare a good chunk of time giving me a very informative Nuclear Cardiology 101 basically covering the what, how and why as well as what to expect. Here is what I learned today. That the test was called a MUGA scan (Multi Gated Acquisition Scan) designed to evaluate the function of both right and left ventricles of the heart.  In my case rule out pre-existing cardiac conditions that may impede chemo. That there was good and bad radiation and I was going to experience the good radiation. And, that the amount of radiation from diagnostic nuclear medicine procedures is kept within a safe limit.

Given, I have cancer and I need to know what stage it is in and how much A-adriamycin, in ABVD chemo baseline I will get given it can be toxic and damage the heart muscles, I guess at this point arguing is definitely out of the question or even entertaining the slightest idea of thinking about seeking alternative options that could possibly be explored to determine the functionality of my heart before I jump onto the chemo bus. I just extended my arm and said inject the nuclear waste if its part of the process! This test I am told is very important because chemo can be very harsh on the heart. Therefore, I am told I will be a frequent visitor at the Nuclear Imaging Clinic as this test will be done frequently to monitor how much my heart is able to withstand the hurricane chemotherapy. I am told the amount of nuclear medicine used in diagnostic imaging exams are quite safe. Really? He explained to me that a patient receives a very small amount - enough to provide sufficient diagnostic information. Nuclear imaging is a cardiac procedure performed on someone with Hodgkin's like myself to allow my Oncologist to determine the health of my heart by visualizing how blood is flowing through images of my heart. This test also evaluates whether chest discomfort, shortness of breath or unusual fatigue is due to heart disease. After the 101 class, I was injected twice different sessions with a radioactive substance into my bloodstream through the vein. The radioactive substance travels to my heart and releases energy where special cameras outside of my body was detecting energy and using it to create pictures of my heart. During the procedure, I was advised to remain as still as possible; mind you the huge machine was literally hovering over my face and chest. It felt like I was caught and stuck under this huge hanging rock almost crushing me. It stifled me. The proximity of the machine hanging above me was hoisted right in my face such that I was forced to close my eyes as it was too close for comfort. The full procedure takes about an hour with intervals in between. After the painless procedure, I was able to look at my heart and see it pumping on a computer screen. That was very fascinating!

After the test, I was advised to drink lots of water to allow the radioactive substance to be expelled from my body through urine. That got me thinking. No, it sent my brain into overdrive. I thought if its good radiation, why do I need to drink tons of water in order to expel it from my body? That raised a red flag for me. By the way, did you know that most of us don't think about how we are exposed to radiation annually from natural and man made sources. I learnt today that there is good radiation and bad radiation. As a critical thinker, I can't believe I just said that in the same sentence. I mean is there something called good radiation? Really?  Anyway, did you know that major natural source of radioactivity in plant tissue is potassium? Meaning peanuts, bananas and others are culprits but, don't be scared now, exposure only lasts a few minutes after ingestion. Other exposure can be received from products such as colour television sets or yeah, the cell phones we all love so much. Now, join the neurotic bus and start wondering where else are we exposed on a daily basis. Dr. Oz my favourite guy on talk show television, recently conducted research on what exactly is in apple juice. “Dr. Oz Investigates"  found that nearly one-third of the apple juice samples his show tested had higher levels of arsenic than is allowed in U.S. drinking water. Apple juices has traces of arsenic which is poison. How about that! Shocking? Click the Dr.Oz link and feed your imagination.

This cancer journey is indeed traumatic but, I am someone who views any change as an opportunity to learn and grow. So, I am embracing this as an opportunity to learn not only about myself, but learning to be an active participant in my treatment journey by not taking any information I am given at face value. I am challenging myself and putting my brain to work and asking a lot of questions. I am more aware of so many things that I have taken for granted. I listen to my body more and I care about what I put in my mouth. Its official, I am Obsessively Aware! For instance, when do we really ever have conversation about things like radiation? I am having this conversation with y'all because on my way home I started feeling funny. I felt weird like a kinda out of body experience. I was feeling pain but could not point anywhere if anyone asked me. I felt like a zombie. I did the ritual, took a shower and went to sleep. Three hours later, I still woke up feeling really strange and still fatigued topped up with a king sized blinding migraine headache. I continued to feel like a zombie, in pain and felt extreme fatigue which was preventing me from leaving my bed. I must say, I struggled to write this blog and decided to do my own research on nuclear cardiology stuff hoping to find some answers. I can't say I got the answers but it set my mind to rest just understanding that radiation is hazardous to the human body no matter what anyone can say, which for me made sense of how weird I was feeling.

Anyway, did you know that our most loved and convenient gadget in the kitchen "the microwave" has been found to not only impact the nutrition of the food but may be dangerous to those who eat the food.? I knew about this but never took it seriously. In my quest for wanting to know more, I just found out that Dr. Hans Hertel of Switzerland conducted research on food prepared in the microwave and found that the food became altered as well as the blood chemistry of those eating it. Now, check this out, when his findings were released, he was slapped with a lawsuit by the Association of Dealers for Electroapparatuses for Households and Industry. The court prohibited him from saying that food prepared in microwave ovens is dangerous to health - Yeah! so much for freedom of speech. He is appealing this decision. So, are you going to trade in your microwave for a toaster oven?

Let me introduce you to the international radiation symbol you can look for next time when you go shopping to identify food products that have been treated with ionized radiation - a process referred to as irradiation. What is interesting is that this symbol can easily be misleading because it resembles the American Environmental Protection Agency symbol. Very weird! Irradiation is one of the tools available to the food industry; a process of exposing food to ionizing radiation supposedly used to destroy bacteria or insects that may be present in food. In addition to sanitizing our food, irradiation can also be used to prevent sprouting, delay ripening, or increase juice yield–in other words, messing with a fruit or vegetable’s natural life process or progression. Irradiation increases shelf life by slowing the ripening or sprouting in fresh fruits and vegetables, thereby allowing for longer shelf life. In Canada, onions, potatoes, wheat flour, whole wheat flour and whole or ground spices and dehydrated seasonings are approved for irradiation and sale. Pre-packaged foods that have been irradiated display the international radiation symbol along with a statement that the product has been irradiated. Who knew? The Canada Food Inspection Agency have a great resource and fact sheet on food irradiation. They also have a disclaimer that food irradiation does not guarantee food safety. Which makes me feel very comfortable with my knew found unconscious neurotic desire to change my modus operandi. Its time, I am going organic and maybe vegetarian who knows. Remember to stay tuned.......

Its no news I have become Neurotic! No, I am just Obsessively Self-Aware

First off, I just want to give a shout out to Hazvineyi Kadiyole my lovely niece from Indiana, US. Thanks for talking me out of bed today. You are so funny, you always make me laugh. Bravo! you brought the funny bone today.  You made me start appreciating and thinking about what is more important in life - the abundant love surrounding me! After laughing so much and coughing you made my day. I love you babe! Its the unconditional love surrounding me from both local and abroad that helps me stay motivated even when I feel like I am on the reality television show that I love so much, "The Amazing Race" and I encounter an insurmountable life road block. You make me realize that even though life has a way of throwing road blocks in our paths, we have to understand that they are temporary and the best solution is to find ways to navigate around them and stay on track. You are all helping me stay on track as I re-write my not so perfect life script. You are my anchors in the midst of a raging storm. To everyone sending me all the lovely and comforting messages, I feel so humbled by the out-pour of love! I love y'all from the bottom of my heart. It is all your love that still makes my world go round, inspires me every single day and touches the core of my heart. You know how they say, in this world the best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or touched, but can be felt deep down in the heart. I feel your love deep inside my heart. Thank y'all for giving me the triumph I so much need. Now that Hazvineyi managed to convince me to get up and fight a good fight, I am up and ready to pound, I know this will come as a big shock to everyone. Yeah, let me have your undivided attention y'all!

I have become neurotic ever since this whole cancer journey progressed and all the talk with the Oncolologist about how infection can make me go down hill in a flash granted, this cancer is attacking my lymphatic system and my white blood cells that are supposed to fight infection. Remember, the lymphatic system as part of the immune system consist of a network of vessels that carry lymphocytes supposed to recognize and destroy infections? For now this infection fighting mechanism or kind of engine has been rendered potentially useless by the Hodgkin's.  Who would not panic? Suddenly, I feel like there is bacteria or germs everywhere. As if this freaky neurotic state I am in is not doing enough damage to my psyche, I did the unthinkable, I threw caution to the wind and watched the movie, "Contagion". This movie inspires panic and fear giving you a disturbing unease. If you have not watched this movie I suggest you do then you can understand what I am talking about. I know, I should not have watched it but I did and have to live with that irresponsible decision. Did you know the average person touches their face 2 or 3,000 times a day? That is an average of 2 or 3 times of every working minute. Now imagine how much bacteria can be spread in just a day?  Seriously, what was I thinking? My sense of cleanliness is heightened to unreasonable proportions. Now, I am walking around on eggshells like a neurotic ass thinking there is bacteria or germs everywhere. Or am I becoming what they call a germaphobe? Seriously, its becoming more of an obsession with germs and dirt than anything else. I know I have always liked my environment clean but this is just too much.When the kitchen is messy and dishes not washed or the house is not clean, I go into a frenzy and do not want to be anywhere near the dirt. In my head, I feel like throwing everything down the garbage chute.

Now, I move with disinfecting wipes to constantly clean any toilet seat before I use it and purell to constantly clean my hands. I cannot even flash any toilet with my hands. I have developed an aversion for touching door knobs. And my hands, I wash them constantly like a serious germophobe. I am afraid to go on public transit  in case someone sneezes or coughs at me, I refuse to shake hands and I do not want to be hugged. I am wearing these gloves when I go out which make me look like a real neurotic and absolutely ridiculous. If Anderson Cooper sees me he will definitely place me on his CNN "The RidicuList". The only thing I am missing right now is a mask. But, hey, I am not apologizing for this unusual emotional bump because like always, I believe emotions are the most honest part of any human being. So, this past week, Tapfuma came home from school with a fever and a sore throat. I freaked out and sent him to a walk in clinic where they confirmed it was a strep throat and placed him on an antibiotic. By Saturday, the strep throat had progressed into a horrible cold. He was coughing, sneezing, huffing and buffing. Oh, my poor baby, I could not hug him or go near him at all and it felt so awful. I spent most of the weekend in isolation. This is because my baby Tapfuma was sick (he does not want under any circumstance to be referred to as a baby because he is turning 18 in a couple of days). What this means is that this past weekend until now, I have been on self-imposed lock down. I am in isolation in the confines of my bedroom. Sounds crazy but I cannot afford to catch any cold or flu otherwise my scheduled chemo in two weeks would be delayed.

Well, I am sitting here and I am thinking, cancer is changing me in many different ways and I am thinking, Is this the Theory of Conscious versus Unconscious mind made popular by Sigmund Freud?  Who knows, maybe this is the unconscious Sigmund Freud extensively researched and proved that it motivates us to do such neurotic stuff that other people may find reprehensible or deserving rebuke.. I think I am suffering from that kind of fear described by Freud, a kind of fear that leaves you feeling overwhelmed by impulses from the brain. If its not one thing its another. Just hold onto your seats people because this journey will be interesting. According to Freud, these feelings I am experiencing are called neurotic anxiety; where one feels like they are losing their mind or rationality. Wow! that was a good rationalization for my unusual behaviour which is definitely below conscious perception which I presume will get worse as the chemo journey becomes a reality. With that said, I urge you to stay tuned as always.....

As the Countdown for chemo Begins....

As the countdown for chemo begins the emotional toll is incredible. The sadness and sorrow continues to linger even when I think I am feeling better. I find that my feelings of anxiety have increased so has the apprehension grown about all the heavy and depressing stuff associated with chemotherapy. I find myself spending more time just trying to keep it all together given I gave up the odd compulsion to put on the brave face and opted for my strong and natural desire to just look up into the blue sky and weep whenever it feels like. Anyway, today I went in for an appointment with a social worker to harsh out a few things before my treatment begins in two weeks. Not a good idea if you ask me because I could not even say a complete sentence. I just could not stop crying, I broke down uncontrollably. Thank God! she was understanding and handed me a box of kleenex and allowed me just feel whatever I was feeling and tried to comfort me. Unfortunately, I didn't stop feeling. Damn! these tears are just too much! I did cry me a river! I don't think I made a lot of sense because if you ask me or accomplished much. I cannot even recall what the discussion was about. Oh boy, just trying to deal with all the emotions and making that decision not to feel defeated is so hard. On the bright side, the chest pain appears to have given me a slight break. The fatigue, well, I guess will be there for the long haul and will get worse with the chemo. But, as always I am keeping my chin up and allowing the tears to roll unabated!

Today is World Lymphoma Awareness Day (WLAD)!

As the world begins to wake up...suddenly knowing our lymph nodes becomes imperative...Did you know today is World Lymphoma Awareness Day! Today I consider myself lucky because lymphoma is one of those cancers that can easily go undetected. I have known about most cancers except this one. So I hope you will all take a moment and learn more about this cancer which can affect anyone. Improve your understanding by being aware. I have read so many stories of people like me and discovered each story is so different and some people were even sent home because the doctor thought it was a simple cold or nothing serious. For me when I look back, since January I had been feeling so tired. I used to drag myself out of bed just to go to school or my internship at a hospital. It was absolute torture. I remember often dozing during hospital or clinical rounds only waking up when it was my turn to present my cases I was working on. I used to struggle to pull information from my head, it felt like my brain was scrambled. Shame on me! But, I didn't know I just thought I was tired because I was working on my Masters thesis, going to school and doing my placement. I recall being absent minded when I was driving to work and always having people either honking at me or I almost missed hitting someone because I forgot to give way at the traffic light. I was a hot mess for sure. Also, remember first I thought I was going down with a cold then after noticing the swollen node which appeared to be on my jaw not my neck I went to the dentist thinking it was my tooth or gum having an issue. If the dentist did not express concern and sent me for further investigation, I would be home and the cancer spreading without me knowing. So, bottom line, know your lymph nodes. Here is the kicker. Despite that more and more people worldwide live with lymphoma most people do not know anything about this potentially life threatening cancer. Maybe its because lymphoma used to be known as a disease and not cancer.

Now, having been recently diagnosed, I have come to know so much in a short space of time. For example,  Hodgkin Lymphoma is a cancer of lymph tissue found in the lymph nodes, spleen, liver, bone marrow, and other sites. There are five main types of Hodgkin Lymphoma. They differ in whom it affects, the parts of the body more likely to be affected, and in what stage it is usually diagnosed. I was diagnosed with Lymphocyte Rich Classical Hodgkin's lymphoma.Classical Hodgkin's lymphoma is a term used to describe a group of four common types of Hodgkin's lymphoma. Together they comprise more than 90% of all Hodgkin's disease. The 4 types are:

• Nodular Sclerosing Hodgkin's Lymphoma (NSHL) - the most common variety of Hodgkin's in developed countries. It occurs more in younger people.
• Mixed Cellularity Hodgkin's Lymphoma (MCHL) - the next most common, a type that may occur at any age.
• Lymphocyte Rich Classical Hodgkin's Lymphoma (LRCHL) - an uncommon type, more common in middle-aged individuals.
• Lymphocyte Depleted Hodgkin's Lymphoma (LDHL) - the least common variety, more common in older individuals and those with impaired body defenses.
The symptoms of lymphoma are not very different between these four types, but the patterns of enlarged lymph nodes and the stage at diagnosis may be quite different. As a result, the outcomes after treatment may also be different. An experienced pathologist can determine the exact type of Hodgkin's by examining lymph node biopsy samples under the microscope. Links to each type provides more details about that particular type of Hodgkin's lymphoma. (Source: Cancer: Principles and Practice of Oncology 7th Edition. Editors: VT DeVita, S Hellman and SA Rosenberg. Published by Lippincott Williams and Wilkins, 2005). 

According to www.lymphomacoalition.org despite the fact that one million people worldwide live with lymphoma and nearly 1,000 people are diagnosed with this cancer every day, research shows:

1. Lymphomas are not understood; are often misdiagnosed and often treated for the misdiagnosis. The 2010 LC Nodes No Border global patient survey told us that although most people had heard of lymphoma prior to diagnosis, they knew very little about it and almost never connected their symptoms to it.
2. Lack of awareness of lymphoma signs and symptoms results in late diagnosis,

•           40% of patients took over 2 months + to get diagnosed
•           11% of those took 1+ years
•           2% actually took over 4 years 
•           56% of the patients went to the doctor with recognizable lymphoma signs and
•           only 19% of these patients suspected lymphoma

     3. Cause is yet unknown.  Without known causes, we cannot pre-screen or prevent lymphoma from occurring. We are just beginning to uncover the causes and risk factors through the The InterLymph Consortium, or formally the International Consortium of Investigators Working on Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma Epidemiologic Studies, an open scientific forum for epidemiologic research in  lymphomas. The consortium is a group of international investigators who have completed or have ongoing case-control studies and who discuss and undertake research projects that pool data across studies or undertake collaborative research on the causes and factors of lymphomas. 

Let us all be aware of the signs and symptoms of lymphomas in order to lead to earlier diagnosis and treatment and ultimately resulting in better patient outcomes.

After Every Storm is a Rainbow

After every storm is a rainbow only if you look hard enough. Someone once said life is full of ups and downs but what is important is to have the courage during the downs. Yesterday was my down and today I have the courage to get up and look up and check out the rainbow for a pot of gold. I just want to give a big shout out to special people who in midst of my deepest and darkest valley never left my side. Instead, they were cheering me up to get up and go. These people just kept letting me know how much they had faith in my ability to fight this and how much I was inspiring them even though I know many times I sounded really bad.

These special people are my dear sister Charity Majuru in England, my niece Rumbidzai in England and Tendai Majuru in Boston, US. To my Sis Charity, you have always been the shelter I run to from any storm. I love you and I appreciate you. You were the first person on the scene in May when all this hoola baaloo began. You were the first person I shared the news with and I am glad I did because you have been my true strong pillar of support. You are my anchor in life so short and you are my best friend. The unwavering love and support you have given me is much appreciated. You called me every single day and you lifted me up in your strong and tender arms and never put me down. I remember talking to you and crying in May, in June, in July, in August, in September, yeah you seem to never get tired of those tears. Thank you for being relentless and just being there fore me. You kept telling me I can do this but I didn't believe you then, because at that time I felt like my world was closing in on me. Every single moment I have shared with you I value it and I treasure it. You may be far, but you have made the toughest beginning much easier. I felt like you were here with me because your comforting words do not go unnoticed, I feel your love. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

To Rumbie, I appreciate you, particularly that from the moment you knew about my journey, you have never wavered. You continue to be one of my biggest cheerleaders. You send me uplifting emails every single day and when I am out of commission, you constantly extend your hand and I grab it and find myself back on my feet. You have become one of my constants and every single day I check my email just to immerse myself in the beauty and profound wisdom that you choose to share with me. Today, I read your email while I was at the doctor's appointment and I began to sense a deep feeling of joy arising from my stomach. As I sat in the waiting room, I smiled and gained renewed strength. Thank you for all the love. It is this love that keeps me strong and picks me up when I am curled up in a fetul position and crying my eyes out. It is this love that make me realize what is important in this rocky life journey.

To Tendayi, I cannot believe you travelled a thousand miles, all the way from Boston just to see how I am doing. Even as I write this I am tearing up because you have shown me so much love. You have called me constantly since in May and I appreciate you so much. Do you know that when you called me yesterday my weepy day, I appreciated that call so much because even though I was at my lowest, I just needed to talk to someone. Its like you just knew what I needed - the funny bone. You gave it all out. Thanks for that! Yesterday, I was feeling so miserable and so sad unbeknown to you and you came through once again. You just made me laugh so much that the sad tears were replaced with happy tears. Thank you for your love that feels like medication for deep sorrow.

Another shout out to Kirby my former boss and friend who taught me everything I know about community development and working with the marginalized. Thank you for a friendship that has remained eternal. I appreciate your messages especially the ones you sent me today. Thank you for being on my Campaign for Health and Vitality.

In this situation I find myself, I sometimes feel angry and frustrated that people don't understand what you are going through when they render unsolicited advise as opposed to encouragement. And at the same time you don't want to offend anyone by appearing like you are lashing out.  So, thank you Kirby for understanding my point of view. I think on this journey like you rightly said, its more about listening and being present. But, often people have this notion that they hold the answers and begin to prescribe advise based on what they read on the internet or have heard from so and so. Please do not do it. Just listen and be present for me thats all I ask. I say this because while the prognosis of Hodgkins is good and estimated to be approximately 80% no one knows that I am not in the 20 percentile. In fact, some people fail to respond to chemo and who am I or any one to predict otherwise. What is the point of denying possibilities? Its nice to be positive but please lets keep it real. While I would like to be in the 80 percentile, I also want to remain cognizant of this negative aspect of this cancer to avoid any surprises or intense shocks. It is my way of taking charge of my health.

The other thing that my oncologist has discussed with me which is important for everyone to know is how chemotherapy works. Chemotherapy kills not only the tumour cells but the good cells as well. Because chemotherapy damages rapidly diving cells such as lymphocytes, your white blood cell count may drop dramatically after chemo causing your immune system to be unable to fight infection very well making you vulnerable to serious life-threatening infections. Furthermore, while chemotherapy is an effective form of treatment for hodgkins lymphoma it can also cause a different kind of cancer.  So, my thing is when I say I am nervous it is not because of one thing only. There are several things that play in my mind some of which I have mentioned above which often send me into a spin. Don't get me wrong, I always hope for the best but like to prepare for the worst. I don't see anything wrong with that. So, when you hear that having cancer is an isolating experience it is because you find yourself ripped away from the normal flow of life. In fact, you can have all the people around you but for some strange reason you still feel alone. I have questions that only someone who has gone through cancer can answer. Cancer changes your life and stirs strong feelings of anger and sadness among other things. Even though  there is evidence that some cancers can be cured, I still dread the idea that death may be confronting me right now. So how do you have that conversation with people who tell you "you are going to be fine". I don't understand why people fear talking about the inevitable like death. To tell you the truth, I have felt lonely more often than I have felt that I have people around me. I know it may not make sense to y'all but often, I feel so alone like I have never felt in my life. I have moments when I just go in the bathroom or my bedroom and just cry by myself. Then, I have those times in the middle of the night that I wake up and I find myself crying. I guess, sometimes you just don't feel like telling any one the truth about how you are feeling.

One reason I personally often hold back is because I just feel like whats the point? I find myself answering, "I am fine" even when I am not. Now, you are all wondering why? Remember just listen and be present because that is how cancer deals you. Rumbie shared something very profound and uplifting with me today and I quote, "We might not always see the positive side of things, thats because we are human'. But, Rumbie says, "when you fall you do not stay down for you have a God who holds you in His arms and He is the one who lifts you up". I feel comforted just to be reminded that its okay to feel the way I am feeling because I am human and its okay to fall but not feel crushed or driven to despair. That is the other reason I refuse to speak on the phone because seriously it aggravates me. Why should I go on the phone and have each caller no matter how loving ask me, How are you feeling? or How are you doing? Well, who wants to go on the phone all the time and say, "I feel like crap because I have cancer". Its like sometimes people forget that I still have cancer so why are you saying how are you feeling as if for some strange reason the cancer miraculously disappeared from my system. I love speaking with Tendayi though because she will never bring up the how I am feeling shit, please excuse my language. Anyway, I do yearn for semblance of life as it was before diagnosis. So, I guess I have to find ways to bring joy back into my life ensuring that my intellectual and emotional potential remain intact.

Staging Procedure # 1 : Ultrasound

Now that I have cleared the air, let me give you the progress report. Today, I went in for my ultrasound which is part of the staging process. Remember, the initial tests and biopsy revealed that I have hodgkins lymphoma. Now, the oncologist performs Staging, which are additional tests to see if the cancer has spread. Staging helps guide future treatment and follow-up and gives some idea of what to expect in the future. Today was the Ultrasound appointment. An ultrasound is a scan which uses sound waves to build up a picture of the inside of the body. A gel is squeashed on the skin and a microphone passed back and forth over the areas to be scanned. Ultrasound is particularly useful for examining the liver and kidneys. A computer then converts the reflected sound waves int a picture on a screen. Anyway, my appointment was so early in the morning at 8am. That was not a problem for me because I got up quite early, but the most tragic happened. Where I live its on a street car route not buses or trains. So, I get into the street car in good time and after three stops there was a problem on our route. When one street car breaks down it blocks all the other ones following behind. I guess because they use the rail tracks. You guessed right my street car was number four behind the other three in front.

So check out how one street car looks like! Now picture four of those and the number of people. Gosh! I was so furious as I tried to flag for a taxi without much success because everyone needed a taxi. I know I have said this cancer has taught me to be patient but I must confess, this morning I did lose my cool and cursed a bit. Not that it made me feel any better. Finally, together with another white lady we managed to share a taxi.  My house is about 15 or 20 minutes from the city center so I thought this is great. Anyway, as we got into the taxi and we started moving the lady stated she was going to King Street which is a completely opposite direction from where I was going. I breathed in and remained calm after realizing I didn't have much choice given how long it took me to get this taxi. The good news is even though the taxi did a zig zag I was able to get to my appointment just on time. Getting into the hospital was a nightmare because this is not my usual fancy cancer hospital, its also fancy but not so much. Its a new one across the street from my hospital. So what that means is, I had no clue where I was going so I spent a good 5 or 10 minutes trying to find my way despite having asked for directions. Like I said, I was able to get there on time.  When my name was called, I went in changed and lay down beside those ultrasound machines.

 I have done ultrasounds before when I was pregnant but this was something else. You know how they rub that thing all over you and often it does not hurt. I felt pain every time that little thing rolled all over my chest and my sides. Then you go on your side it rolls again on your side and back, then the other side same thing.  It took for ever and it was just awful. Here is the kicker, when the guy finished working on my chest and side he made this strange expression on his face and told me to hold on for a second as he rushed out of the room. Are you thinking what I am thinking, I grabbed his arm and asked him what was wrong. Poor guy, he stammered and said, oh I cannot tell you anything you will get your results from your doctor. I just need to go and speak with the doctor in charge my boss. I hate these people when they give you the shocked face, make you freak out then they give you the professional attitude.. Anyway, he rushed out and I immediately sat up to see if the screen was still on. Yeah he forgot to exit I guess because of rushing. I looked but nothing made sense so I just lay back down and waited. He came back with his boss and I ignored them as they continued to prod me again. I lay down there and began to wonder what they were seeing that they cannot tell me. I thought, what is wrong with these people, I know I have cancer how worse can it get.

Anyhow, I am not one to dwell on my anxieties, so when I finished I walked out of the hospital passed by Starbucks and got myself a macchiato which just made my heart race because of the coffee content. So, that is part one of my staging process which will be followed by other tests. Like always, I will keep y'all posted so stay tuned. By the time I got home it was lunch time, am getting used to appointments that take almost the whole day. I was feeling so tired like I worked a field. I slept and forgot to wake up. That is how cancer has changed my life. I don't have the energy I used to have before, I feel really tired from doing even mundane things. I cannot stay on my feet for even the bare minimum amount of time.  Its just ridiculous. But, the good news today is that I cooked. After taking a nap more of deep sleep, I woke up feeling energized and prepared dinner. Stay tuned.

C'est la vie!

Today it just dawned on me that, a number of people have been telling me, Oh, you are lucky - you have the good cancer. And I am thinking, really, seriously? How about you walk a mile in my shoes? I doubt there will be any takers. Anybody calling once, calling twice! Yeah, I didn't think so. I know these comments come from a good place. But, comes off rather as unsolicitated advise.  I need you to listen to me very carefully, cancer is cancer, its not a bout of flu or a sore throat okay, where you take some flu medication or sleep it off. So, back off! It sounds insensitive and it hurts my feelings. Just let me be. Allow me to deal with my own unpredictable emotions which still feel like an emotional rollercoaster at Wonderland. So, with that said, I have to go because today is one of those emotional days where I am feeling all weepy and sad. I am definitely unpredictable because one minute I am dried eyed and okay and the next minute I burst out in tears. I don't know what to tell y'all because it is what it is! Cest la vie! But, as always, despite the tears, I will always end on a positive thought because I know I am worthy because I was born!

Relax Everyone Things are now Moving

Relax everyone, I am so happy to share with you that things are beginning to move and fast. Despite the aches and pains, I am not complaining! I am sure everyone has been wondering what the hell happened since I have not blogged since ???? What happened? How did I abandon you all like that?  Even, I was asking myself the same question. Well, the truth is, I spent the whole weekend sleeping because of this fatigue that is debilitating. I kept dragging myself in and out of bed only to use the washroom because my chest continues to hurt and makes it difficult to sit upright for long periods. But, I am feeling much better than last week. This situation has taught me not to live in nostalgia but live in the moment and appreciate every single day because I realize looking back at all the weekend aches strains my neck and inhibits my progression. Today I went in to meet my oncologist for the first time at one of the best cancer hospitals. I never imagined in my lifetime I would be entering this cancer hospital. Its funny how we always think its them not us. Here I am, who knew? After registering we sat in this huge waiting room and as you look around you realize there are so many people with all sorts of cancers. This place looks completely different from where I have been going since May.  Like the British say, it looks "posh" but depressing. I even forgot about my own cancer for a while or that I was one of them. I must add, I feel blessed to have Tinashe by my side because this is not a place you want to go alone for sure. Every appointment just brings me to tears. It feels like just re-living the same nightmare over and over again except this is not a dream but my reality. I guess, that is the part that makes me tear up every time.

Anyway, this waiting room was exceptionally clean and sterile for good reason which you will appreciate later. In the middle of this amazement, someone came around and started serving juice and cookies to everyone. The coffee was just there for every one's fancy. Not that I care for a cup of coffee - I have a thing for Cappuccino or a Macchiato from Starbucks. That was something being availed eats and drinks! A first for me anyway!  Anyhow, I appreciated this gesture but, I was too focused on eating the sushi Tinashe had gotten for me. It don't matter how ill I am - I love some sushi! The room was full of both men and women but what caught my eye was that most of the patients are much older. Some looked very ill and bald while some appeared to be doing well. I felt very young and for a moment thought wow! my age group is not represented. And that fleeting thought of why me did cross my mind but, I quickly remembered that God does not give us more than we can handle. I remembered Paul's words in Corinthians 10:13 explicitly states, "God is faithful and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out that you may be able to endure it". That scripture stopped me in my tracks and I looked beyond my self-centeredness to the pain and severe testing of others right before my eyes were enduring. Anyway, the rest was not very eventful apart from hearing from the doctor the reality and gravity of my situation. We went over what to expect, CT scan, bone marrow biopsy, staging, baseline tests then treatment. All appointments have already been scheduled in advance which is great. Based on the tests done so far, ABVD, a chemotherapy regimen will be used. It is the first line treatment of Hodgkins lymphoma and may be used in combination with radiation. Will tell you more later about this because I have to share with you the most frightening thing that the doctor told me. He said, I am going to lose my hair in a few weeks. I know what you are all thinking, "it will grow again".

Please don't even say it or think it! Just allow me to start grieving for the loss of my hair in two weeks which I know will be traumatic given the pep talk that I got today from the doctor. Its like he knows the impact on our psyche as women! I guess the guy has experience with how we are attached to our hair. I am thinking, coping is fine but how do you embrace going bald, losing eyebrows, lashes and all the hair everywhere? Did you hear that bald? I am going bald and I know for sure that is going to make me cry because my hair is so pretty. I have sister locs y'all - these tiny little locs that are off the chart. I will take a picture and show you before I shave my head. Its inevitable, I mean the hair loss. Maybe, I will throw a Pity Party for myself and ask Tinashe to bake some cupcakes for the sad event and invite a couple of people. Anyway, just discussing what to expect in terms of treatment gave me perspective of this roller coaster I have embarked on. I also had my first staging tests today which will be followed by other tests the following two weeks. One of the tests that is giving me the jitters is the bone marrow test - removal of tissue from the bone marrow. Ouch! I am so terrified about that one because the doc said it will be painful.

Anyway, before I forget, I must say, I fell in love with my oncologist and I can tell y'all that such a connection with a doctor makes this ride much easier. He is warm, friendly, compassionate and everything you asked for in your prayers. I can see the heaven opening up for me already... for good things to come. He gave me a book on lymphoma and more literature on the treatment and what to expect. After all my tests, I am seeing my doctor in two weeks, I guess that is the end of September when I complete the tests. He advised that is when I am beginning treatment.  Just saying those words feels so good and relieving. I told you earlier about the discussion, that it was very intense. One of the critical things the doctor talked about was to ensure that we be diligent with contact precautionary measures to avoid any infection in whatever type or form. I have to wash my hands constantly and limiting contact with other people when I begin treatment. And, as usual Tinashe was making me laugh as we headed home. She said to me, "Mom, as your caregiver, I am going to make a big precautionary poster for the house urging visitors to wear masks or stay away if they are sick or recovering from coughs or colds and no hugging. She says, I don't trust anyone so, I will be screening each and every person".  She just cracks me up and I am thinking, what am I going to do, I love hugs. But, I guess we have to adhere in order for me to be well. This is it for now people, I promise I will not keep you in suspense again. I promise to write at least two lines even when I am not well because I believe God sent me some strong shoes for these stony paths. Stay tuned......

Special Dedication to Tinashe my Princess, my Rock and Panache

Tinashe, thank you for being my confidante, soul-mate and friend. You have walked every single part of this journey with me. You have cried every tear with me and yet I have never heard you say, "I am tired" or "I cannot do this anymore". For that, I am so grateful and words alone cannot suffice. Its only God who will bless you and I pray that he continues to uphold you and breathe in you enough strength to keep going. I love you my panache and I appreciate you so much. Some are wondering what is 'panache' its a French word used to describe dashing confidence of style, awesome, courage or swagger. You have held my hand when I lost all the courage and strength and you have whispered words of encouragement and wisdom that I never imagined I would be hearing from my own child. Every time you speak to me I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have squeezed your slender but strong hands throughout all the biopsies and you never slowed down. Even when I tried to hide the gravity of the news because you were not feeling well, you forgot about yourself and you were there wiping my tears and hugging me. What about the sleepless nights at the emergency? You are so amazing that is why I call you TinaFabulous!

Its because you are fabulous and many other lovely things. You are so selfless and you love unconditionally. However, I hope throughout this journey you will take time for yourself without feeling guilty or obligated because I don't want you to feel depleted and overwhelmed. I will understand completely because it is not healthy for you to just keep going because in the end, you will not have anything to give me in that condition. I say these words with much love and understanding because this journey is going to be long and exhausting. You have spoken on my behalf when we are at the doctors because I am at a loss for words because of the enormity of this situation, the amount of forms you have completed on my behalf, Gosh! is all I can say. You have wiped my tears many a times. I can go on and on. The list is so long that I am unable to finish it in one breath. But, in all this, you have remained the strong pillar of support that any mother can wish for. Thank you for just being the young gracious lady that you are. Thank you for the cozy chats even in the middle of the night at the emergency let alone all the chaos and confusion surrounding me. Thank you for the shared laughter and tears, kindness, acceptance and most of all the emotional support. Thank you for all the countless little things you do. You might think those little things go unnoticed, but trust me, I see and appreciate every single little thing. Your name holds a special meaning in my heart because my mother named you Tinashe. Tinashe means "God is with us". My mother knew then, that you were special and God sent for a purpose. I thank God for you and I love you and adore you with every bone in my body. Thank you for giving me the swagger.com. I love it because I might have cancer but I do have swagger! and yeah you're right lets kick butt!

This girl is special. When I say she is my princess, some may say I am too much. But, the truth is, she is a princess. She handles everything with such grace and dignity fit for royalty. She is strong and is so much in control and mature for her age. I don't know what I would do without her. For sure I would be lost and by now lost my sanity. She is my rock and my anchor. She makes me laugh and at times she cries with me then we burst out laughing after we finish crying. That is how we roll. She calls us "Team Victory" and I love the sound of that. Anyway, here is a letter she wrote me that brought me to tears. This video is part of the letter and our good memories of things we do together every Christmas "Karaoke". I love this song and we sing it and rock it like the Crazies. I sometimes forget the lyrics and make up my own and we just crack up laughing when I am found guilty of recreating this Abba song. Thank you Tinashe for just reminding me the abundant love, laughter and joy we all have for each other. Chiquitita tell me whats wrong. You're enchained in your own sorrow.. How I hate to see you like this....ta ra ra ra .... I am a shoulder you can cry on... Your best friend and the one you must rely on.... Thanks Tinashe, now I am singing along......

Dear Mom,

It’s been a long journey you’ve walked through to get my brothers and I right here. You worked so hard and gave up so much to build a bright future for us. Thank you so much for this love.
We may not always agree but the love that we have for each other is so evident. We have so many laughs together whether it’s hearing your stories – which always make me laugh OR you know how you say “and then what did she say?” and Tap rolls his eyes? {priceless} OR like how every Christmas we annoy Tap with our “chiquitta” LOL! I could obviously go on and on but this is just meant to be just a note not a novel. You have 3 exceptionally pinache and grown ass kids who all love you more than anything – we do.

I know it’s really hard for you right now because having cancer sucks but you know what else I know? I know that you have enough courage and strength to go through it with swagger.com.
You have gotten past crazy things in your journey and this is just going to be a hiccup that we’ll be speaking about in past tense very very soon at Simon Sushi. You’re a fighter, a tough cookie – now let’s kick butt!

I love you and I’m here.

Tinashe

PS: Tiramisu tomorrow for sure!

YAY!!! Its happening.....I am Celebrating Today

Today I am celebrating because I have good reason to. I was off the blogosphere yesterday because I was tired of telling y' all about this persistent pain in my chest. It gets boring I am sure for everyone. We spent the whole night awake struggling with the pain. But, as the scripture says, weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning because his favour is for life (Psalms 30:5). During this ordeal, Tinashe was telling me in a her gentle voice that everything was going to be fine like she is giving a prophecy. She cracks a joke and makes me forget that I was sad for a while as we start laughing and tearing up from laughing. She is so good and knows exactly how to keep my spirits up. She starts telling me that her friend whom I know who has brain cancer waited for one month before getting the staging appointment. Listening to this I felt a bit of comfort knowing that it will happen soon and that I am not alone.

Yesterday, I went to see my family doctor in the morning whom I adore so much. I just needed to talk to her about this persistent chest pain which I do not want to talk about any more which seems to be persisting despite all the medications I was getting.  I also needed to speak to her and just cry because I was feeling frustrated by the pain and the fact that I had to wait not knowing when I would start treatment. In my head to tell you the truth, I was feeling like this cancer has spread all over my body thats why I was feeling so sick and just weak. Yeah, yesterday was my low day and I was crying. Like Shelley Ramathe my friend said to me, "Remember it's okay to cry, grieve, reach out to others, feel, reflect and hope during this journey". I appreciated this advice and I keep it in my back pocket. Shelley thank you for your profound words. So I heed my friend's advice and did all that. Who runs out of breathe when they are doing simple tasks honestly? I am a busy body and I just feel so frustrated when I feel disabled to do just simple tasks. So it was appropriate that I had an appointment with my family doctor who is one of the most ideal person I feel comfortable and safe to openly express myself and work through my deepest and most vulnerable feelings without fear of being judged or being given unsolicited advice. Anyway, the doctor made me feel so great. She always has a way of putting a smile on my face and makes me feel strong and remain hopeful. First, she gave me this liquid medication which made my chest feel much better. Then she gave me some literature on lymphoma which was very useful. But, here is the most fun part, she advised me that she was going to advocate on my behalf to see if the treatment appointments could be speeded up. This was music to my ears. Anything that makes me stay positive sends me right to the moon. So, I went home whistling despite that ache in my chest. I had something to look forward to, that hope - yeah, that feeling of expecting good things to come.

There is the best part of today..... I just received a phone call this afternoon that I have an appointment scheduled for Monday next week to begin the Staging process. Yes, you guessed right, I did the happy dance. I was so thrilled I cannot begin to explain the joy that I am feeling right now. While everyone is celebrating the Toronto Film Festival (TIFF) I am celebrating that I have an appointment with an Oncologist on Monday which means I will begin treatment sooner than I even anticipated. Thanks to my family doctor she waved her magic wand. And poof! the magic happened... ooh its a miracle.  Miracles never cease to happen and I know God is still in control. Well, for now let me just continue celebrating.  I will continue celebrating because I am excited that my very good friend Dr Leo  is coming to visit me and he is one funny guy and I know he will bring with him a funny bone which I desire so much. I miss him and tomorrow is just gonna be great, I just know it. Peace out!

Sometimes its not about Winning its about Healing...

Obviously, I have not blogged since yesterday. I spent most of the day sleeping. The reason being that, I have not been feeling too great. But, I promise that I will be back soon with a vengeance because today I woke up thinking that its not about winning this battle its about healing for me. That way, I can choose how I want to feel each day. So far, nothing major to report, just the extreme chest pains and fatigue that seem to persist. Now, I am trying to read," Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for Dummies" with the hope of getting some tips on how to manage. Now I understand the difference between feeling tired and fatigue. They are completely two different things. This fatigue is paralyzing and impacting my daily functioning. No, don't worry, I am fatigued but I can still care for myself and when I feel up to it I still engage in my favourite past-time  - cooking. Anyway, today, I went into the hospital this morning just to do a mere CT scan which I thought would take at least an hour but turned into a nightmare. Guess what, I spent the whole day at the hospital from 8am to 6pm. So, I got home feeling beat, I slept from 7pm now its almost 12 midnight. After the hospital visit, my partner suggested we go out and eat but I did not have the energy. He tried to entice me because he knows my love for lobster and crab legs particularly the ones at this nice restaurant called "The Red Lobster" but it did not work. I was feeling so exhausted, Can you believe I was told not to eat anything before the CT scan? Yeah, I was feeling hungry or is it famished? And realized that missing food for the whole day doesn't kill - In fact, eating three meals a day is a luxury if you ask me. I ended up being moved from one room to the next and being hooked up to this pick line and more blood work, drinking this awful stuff to allow for a CT Scan where you are then injected this horrible dye into your body. Yes, you feel your whole body burning and the stuff comes into your mouth like toxic fumes. With your hands above your head you are glided into this machine that looks like a doughnut. Then someone, speaks to you giving instructions from another room on a microphone. The dye is injected into the vein while the other is swallowed in liquid form. After asking why, I was advised this helps the organs or tissue to show up more clearly. No, its not that bad just uncomfortable.

After the whole process, I went on a diarrhea spree... very embarrassing - I guess its the dye. Whatever man! I hate cancer if you ask me...Its like it invades your body does whatever it wants with you. Its alright I will keep looking at the silver lining under this dark cloud.  I spent the whole day in the hospital today not a a pleasant experience at all. But, as always, the nurses and doctors ever so pleasant and make you feel better just the way they handle you. Today, I also got the news  that I am still on the waiting list to see the oncologist in order to begin the "Staging Process".  This disease has taught me to be patient. I know some of you are wondering why is it taking so long?  Yeah, I am not the only one with cancer people.... a wait list means there are more of us out there. Please don't ask that question because you will only make me feel more agitated and anxious. Just continue to be patient with me. For those who don't know, Staging is the most important part of understanding the growth patterns and aggressiveness of the cancer cells. Stages of  Hodgkin's lymphoma range from Stage I through to Stage IV and categorized based on where the cancer is found (see the earlier posting with diagram showing lymphatic system) or spread including symptoms presented by patient. Staging determines if the cancer cells have spread to other parts of the body. Staging is also used to help the doctor plan the treatment based on whether the lymphoma is low grade or moderate growth or high grade. Those terms are self explanatory. It sounds like going to the butcher or super market to buy meat based on the grade. Remember back home we used to buy meat based on grade??? First being the best and so on... Ha ha ha that is really something. Truth be told,  I feel so exhausted and so burnt out. But, will be back soon.  Just need some shut eye for now.  I just need to get my energy back and yeah I need that funny bone while I wait.....

By the way, for all those trying to call me on the phone, I appreciate the sentiments. But, for now I don't have the energy or courage to speak on the phone it takes every little thing that I have. In fact, it has become one of the most challenging and exhausting tasks that I have removed from my to-do-list.  I love y'all and hope you understand I need time before I am able to converse on the phone. You know how hard it is when everyone is asking the same question, "How are you doing? or Oh, I am sorry"  Of course, I am not doing well. I am trying my best to put the best foot forward and all your good thoughts and messages are lifting me up. I appreciate.  However, the pity words just make me break down and go back to square one. Pity turns me into putty and I cannot be putty right now. I am trying to turn this difficulty into an opportunity for greater things to come; stepping stones to greater experience. Yes, I may appear strong but the truth is, I am still crying despite that I am holding on to the wings of hope. Its just that, I realize that life without hope is meaningless. So I an concentrating on what is good in every encounter in this journey so that my life can be filled with gratitude. It is for these reasons that I decided to communicate with y'all through this blog. Again, thank y'all for all the messages they are my anchor and wind beneath my wings. Keep them flowing..   For now, stay tuned  I promised, I will keep y'all updated.  I appreciate each and every one of you with every bone in my body you are are keeping me strong because at times, our own light goes out and is rekindled by sparks from others which you are all doing. Thanks y'all and stay tuned.....

Withstanding the Hurricane through Solidarity

I remember that it was in July when I met with my Professor Jen and as usual I was crying on her shoulder that she is so generous with. As I wiped away the tears she asked me, Do you have a support team because you need one? What??? I was wondering a team for what? I just stared at her because it didn't make any sense for me. But, now I get it and I realize the importance of having a team of support who I can call on when I am feeling sad or overwhelmed or even to go for the numerous doctor's appointments. Well, today I have been thinking and I came to the conclusion that I definitely need to carefully pick a team of support readily and physically available for me that I will do the honour and call, "My Companions of Hope". I realize Tinashe cannot do this alone and take me to all the appointments alone .. share all this enormous burden.... its just too much for her. Of course, I will continue to appreciate all the love and sentiments from both local and afar, its just that I do need a team physically available. So, I am going to reach out to a couple of close friends who are willing to play an active and integral part in my journey. Stay tuned......right now, I need to go and lie down am not feeling too great today. Its that nagging pain in my chest. It just makes it hard to breathe or sit. Feels like so much pressure in my chest and feels like its being twisted. Just want to lay down. Will continue this conversation later.

Zzzzzzzzz.....Resting

Came back home in the morning after an amazing stint at the hospital. Yeah, I just said amazing because I have learnt that every time I visit the hospital and I am treated well its a treat for me since my frequency at this place has become so often and feels like my second home. I have come to appreciate doctors and nurses more than ever before... I am scheduled for a CT scan on Tuesday next week. Feeling exhausted but feeling much better though which is a good thing. Just taking time to rest and rejuvinate. Bonnet Nuit!

I Spoke too soon - Blogging from the Hospital Bed

I guess I spoke too soon about feeling better today.  The chest pain persisted and it was so bad I thought I was having a heart attack. Not that I have any experience of how that feels like. It was just this pressure and excruciating pain on my chest was interfering with my breathing that I came to that conclusion. Anyway, Tinashe called a taxi at 7pm and we rushed to the emergency. On arrival - was not kept waiting. Was rushed to a room and hooked up to an ECG machine to monitor my breathing which was abnormal. Had bloodwork done and I was given morphine for pain and that was good. Did I say good? Yeah gives you a high if you know what I mean. Takes you to another place were you feel like you are floating. Had an ultra sound done and now the doctor wants to do a chest xray to  ascertain what is going on. Its now 12 midnight just finished doing some more blood tests before going for the xray. And Tinashe just gave me a lollilop to cheer me up. And she is telling me how she wants to install this huge overhead light used by doctors to examine patients in her apartment for brightening up the whole place. Mind you this is like a floodlight! This girl is crazy. But, what would I do without this little angel? The doctors and nurses are so kind and just amazing. Stay tuned gotta go for the xray now... Before I go, I just want to say I definitely need an Ipad because it has been so hard to do this from my blackberry. Dear Mr. Steve Jobs, Can you please save me from my misery by donating an Apple Ipad 2. Thank you much. I am thinking does that qualify to go on the Bucket List? I guess so. This means I must start creating a bucket list for myself - sounds inspiring - LOL. I like the idea sounds like a good distraction. Anything to take my mind away helps. Looks like they are keeping me here overnight at the hospital. I am never able to sleep in the hospital it just creeps me out. The noise I know its expected but unbearable.  Someone take me out of here! Now the time is 2:30am and the morphine is working the pain has subsided. Let me try to get some shut eye.

A Time and a Season for Everything: Another special dedication to Rumbidzai

When I thought the day was almost over and I wait for tomorrow's aches, joys and surprises, I receive this special message from my beautiful niece who resembles me, Rumbidzai Chopamba the Acturial Scientist (I just needed to say that with much pride) my brother Chanda's daughter in England. Rumbi, thank you for this message and thank you for giving me so much strength and understanding that God is rebuilding his house, getting the drains right and stopping the roof from leaking. That is so profound! You see, I thought I was being made into a little cottage but like you said, I am being made into a palace. Yeah, now I am feeling all glamorous! Thank you Rumbi, for touching the core of my spirit. I love you and I appreciate you!

You know it’s really hard to start a letter like this one. At first I thought I should cheer you up and I thought of the million ways I could do that. I had the words I was going to say then I started writing , and needless to say.....Tete I am sorry that you have to go through this. I wish you did not have to , but then I am also glad you are. You see, I know that God never puts us through situations where the losses or pain experienced outweigh the gains. If the loss and the pain you are going through could somehow be avoided then , believe me He would have. My favourite bible author is Solomon. He has a poem where he talks about a time and a season for everything. And so like everything Tete, this disease will have its time and its season. And the wonderful thing about seasons is that they too must pass, albeit that some go on for longer than others, they do pass and they give way to new ones. LOL mashona tinoti “Chisingaperi chinoshura”. I guess in the lemons scenario I am more of a “ When life gives you lemons just eat your lemons ; you need them. And when your need for lemons expires you’ll receive something else.” Tete, I cannot say what will come or happen tomorrow but I know that God holds you in his arms. There is  pain or sorrow that  you feel sometimes, you know, there is the pain you can share and then there is that pain that sometimes that takes you to low places, in those times remember God understands, even more than you and I ever can. Sounds cliche , but boy is it true! what is trust or faith if not hoping against all hope and believing in the throes of diversity ? You know from when I was a young child, I have always been afraid of the dark. I laugh at myself still today, but its something that I have often failed to shake off. When I was a child I was afraid of the monsters and ghosts, which at the time, I believed, camped out in my cupboard during the day and would only came out at night to haunt me and steal me from my little bed. Now that I am older, my fears have also grown with me. Now I fear the fact that I cannot see the things around me. You see, I am not afraid anymore of monsters but I am afraid that I cannot see them. Darkness makes whatever power I have seem small and useless. It belittles me and fills my mind with all the horrid things that could be lurking around me, not monsters anymore but other things, thieves, death and such. Spiritual darkness I find is very similar whether this darkness is brought on by guilt, pain, shame or loss. It renders whatever confidence and hope one had during the day quite insignificant. Because we cannot see in darkness , the enemy takes this opportunity to magnify our worst fears and works on our minds to ensure that we are in constant worry and upset. Because we cannot see , we cannot challenge him, and just when you think you can make a stand something always comes and knocks you back down again. So, what do you do when you cannot see? You hold on to one who does. The one who says to you, whatever you did I can forgive, whatever your loss I can fill and whatever your pain I am able to heal. The one to whom darkness and light are the same so that nothing is hid from His eyes. And, if He can see all things then He alone truly knows how big those monsters lurking on your closet are and either way , He will always be much bigger than they can ever be. When your own sight fails Tete, hold on to the arm of God that is always stretched out for you. There is nothing you could ever explain that would shock Him or cause Him to become confused. He knows it already but He would just love it for you to tell Him yourself. And, when you have done so, trust that He is able to handle whatever it is you have left for Him to do. For if we are ever to approach God in the first place, then we must know full well that He is God and I know you do.

Have patience to wait upon Him and upon His promises. Wait. Just, wait. Stop worrying, stop crying, stop pestering and stop hovering. Just. Wait. In His own time, in His own way. Remember if you could handle it you would’ve but you gave it to Him (and don’t you hate it when someone keeps checking up on you when they’ve asked you to do something ?..............especially when you know exactly what you are doing?! God loves you as do I. So whatever darkness you are in now. Just hold on to His hand and remember that the forces and the powers that are on your side are greater than any power that rises against you. The Lord is with you, to hold you and to comfort you. God is here , to grant peace for your soul. The Spirit is here to keep you peaceful during the quiet fretful moments of your day.
Above all remember this, No matter what , no matter how chaotic things may be going, if God is never surprised then to Him its always going according to plan. He is in control. In other news Congratulations !!! ( In advance ) for the PHD . I must say I have had enough of books right now and I am not even close ! Quite far actually,...... sigh... finally A quote from my favourite author CS Lewis ( Mere Christianity).

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself. CS Lewis.