As the Countdown for chemo Begins....

As the countdown for chemo begins the emotional toll is incredible. The sadness and sorrow continues to linger even when I think I am feeling better. I find that my feelings of anxiety have increased so has the apprehension grown about all the heavy and depressing stuff associated with chemotherapy. I find myself spending more time just trying to keep it all together given I gave up the odd compulsion to put on the brave face and opted for my strong and natural desire to just look up into the blue sky and weep whenever it feels like. Anyway, today I went in for an appointment with a social worker to harsh out a few things before my treatment begins in two weeks. Not a good idea if you ask me because I could not even say a complete sentence. I just could not stop crying, I broke down uncontrollably. Thank God! she was understanding and handed me a box of kleenex and allowed me just feel whatever I was feeling and tried to comfort me. Unfortunately, I didn't stop feeling. Damn! these tears are just too much! I did cry me a river! I don't think I made a lot of sense because if you ask me or accomplished much. I cannot even recall what the discussion was about. Oh boy, just trying to deal with all the emotions and making that decision not to feel defeated is so hard. On the bright side, the chest pain appears to have given me a slight break. The fatigue, well, I guess will be there for the long haul and will get worse with the chemo. But, as always I am keeping my chin up and allowing the tears to roll unabated!