I have become neurotic ever since this whole cancer journey progressed and all the talk with the Oncolologist about how infection can make me go down hill in a flash granted, this cancer is attacking my lymphatic system and my white blood cells that are supposed to fight infection. Remember, the lymphatic system as part of the immune system consist of a network of vessels that carry lymphocytes supposed to recognize and destroy infections? For now this infection fighting mechanism or kind of engine has been rendered potentially useless by the Hodgkin's. Who would not panic? Suddenly, I feel like there is bacteria or germs everywhere. As if this freaky neurotic state I am in is not doing enough damage to my psyche, I did the unthinkable, I threw caution to the wind and watched the movie, "Contagion". This movie inspires panic and fear giving you a disturbing unease. If you have not watched this movie I suggest you do then you can understand what I am talking about. I know, I should not have watched it but I did and have to live with that irresponsible decision. Did you know the average person touches their face 2 or 3,000 times a day? That is an average of 2 or 3 times of every working minute. Now imagine how much bacteria can be spread in just a day? Seriously, what was I thinking? My sense of cleanliness is heightened to unreasonable proportions. Now, I am walking around on eggshells like a neurotic ass thinking there is bacteria or germs everywhere. Or am I becoming what they call a germaphobe? Seriously, its becoming more of an obsession with germs and dirt than anything else. I know I have always liked my environment clean but this is just too much.When the kitchen is messy and dishes not washed or the house is not clean, I go into a frenzy and do not want to be anywhere near the dirt. In my head, I feel like throwing everything down the garbage chute.
Now, I move with disinfecting wipes to constantly clean any toilet seat before I use it and purell to constantly clean my hands. I cannot even flash any toilet with my hands. I have developed an aversion for touching door knobs. And my hands, I wash them constantly like a serious germophobe. I am afraid to go on public transit in case someone sneezes or coughs at me, I refuse to shake hands and I do not want to be hugged. I am wearing these gloves when I go out which make me look like a real neurotic and absolutely ridiculous. If Anderson Cooper sees me he will definitely place me on his CNN "The RidicuList". The only thing I am missing right now is a mask. But, hey, I am not apologizing for this unusual emotional bump because like always, I believe emotions are the most honest part of any human being. So, this past week, Tapfuma came home from school with a fever and a sore throat. I freaked out and sent him to a walk in clinic where they confirmed it was a strep throat and placed him on an antibiotic. By Saturday, the strep throat had progressed into a horrible cold. He was coughing, sneezing, huffing and buffing. Oh, my poor baby, I could not hug him or go near him at all and it felt so awful. I spent most of the weekend in isolation. This is because my baby Tapfuma was sick (he does not want under any circumstance to be referred to as a baby because he is turning 18 in a couple of days). What this means is that this past weekend until now, I have been on self-imposed lock down. I am in isolation in the confines of my bedroom. Sounds crazy but I cannot afford to catch any cold or flu otherwise my scheduled chemo in two weeks would be delayed.
Well, I am sitting here and I am thinking, cancer is changing me in many different ways and I am thinking, Is this the Theory of Conscious versus Unconscious mind made popular by Sigmund Freud? Who knows, maybe this is the unconscious Sigmund Freud extensively researched and proved that it motivates us to do such neurotic stuff that other people may find reprehensible or deserving rebuke.. I think I am suffering from that kind of fear described by Freud, a kind of fear that leaves you feeling overwhelmed by impulses from the brain. If its not one thing its another. Just hold onto your seats people because this journey will be interesting. According to Freud, these feelings I am experiencing are called neurotic anxiety; where one feels like they are losing their mind or rationality. Wow! that was a good rationalization for my unusual behaviour which is definitely below conscious perception which I presume will get worse as the chemo journey becomes a reality. With that said, I urge you to stay tuned as always.....
Love reading your posts, Dorothee. And I get the bit about how watching a film can push a reasonable obsession over the brink. Yes, our psychology is so sensitive, isn't it.
ReplyDeleteI can't resist sharing an experience over the last weekend, hoping it brings a smile to your face.
I was at the Queen West Art Crawl last weekend, minding Marzena's booth. And I had a real laugh watching all the parents and pet owners struggling to keep their kids and dogs from putting various things in their mouths. Of course, it was a hopeless attempt, but so funny to watch - parent or owner reaching frantically to intercept, while baby or dog very happily went about tasting the world! And I guess the affect was the opposite of that produced by your film choice. Parents and guardians couldn't possibly provide the protection they wanted to, so nature provided the rest.
And here's praying that your own immune system gets back to doing what it's supposed to do, so you can get your hugs again!