These special people are my dear sister Charity Majuru in England, my niece Rumbidzai in England and Tendai Majuru in Boston, US. To my Sis Charity, you have always been the shelter I run to from any storm. I love you and I appreciate you. You were the first person on the scene in May when all this hoola baaloo began. You were the first person I shared the news with and I am glad I did because you have been my true strong pillar of support. You are my anchor in life so short and you are my best friend. The unwavering love and support you have given me is much appreciated. You called me every single day and you lifted me up in your strong and tender arms and never put me down. I remember talking to you and crying in May, in June, in July, in August, in September, yeah you seem to never get tired of those tears. Thank you for being relentless and just being there fore me. You kept telling me I can do this but I didn't believe you then, because at that time I felt like my world was closing in on me. Every single moment I have shared with you I value it and I treasure it. You may be far, but you have made the toughest beginning much easier. I felt like you were here with me because your comforting words do not go unnoticed, I feel your love. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
To Rumbie, I appreciate you, particularly that from the moment you knew about my journey, you have never wavered. You continue to be one of my biggest cheerleaders. You send me uplifting emails every single day and when I am out of commission, you constantly extend your hand and I grab it and find myself back on my feet. You have become one of my constants and every single day I check my email just to immerse myself in the beauty and profound wisdom that you choose to share with me. Today, I read your email while I was at the doctor's appointment and I began to sense a deep feeling of joy arising from my stomach. As I sat in the waiting room, I smiled and gained renewed strength. Thank you for all the love. It is this love that keeps me strong and picks me up when I am curled up in a fetul position and crying my eyes out. It is this love that make me realize what is important in this rocky life journey.
To Tendayi, I cannot believe you travelled a thousand miles, all the way from Boston just to see how I am doing. Even as I write this I am tearing up because you have shown me so much love. You have called me constantly since in May and I appreciate you so much. Do you know that when you called me yesterday my weepy day, I appreciated that call so much because even though I was at my lowest, I just needed to talk to someone. Its like you just knew what I needed - the funny bone. You gave it all out. Thanks for that! Yesterday, I was feeling so miserable and so sad unbeknown to you and you came through once again. You just made me laugh so much that the sad tears were replaced with happy tears. Thank you for your love that feels like medication for deep sorrow.
Another shout out to Kirby my former boss and friend who taught me everything I know about community development and working with the marginalized. Thank you for a friendship that has remained eternal. I appreciate your messages especially the ones you sent me today. Thank you for being on my Campaign for Health and Vitality.
In this situation I find myself, I sometimes feel angry and frustrated that people don't understand what you are going through when they render unsolicited advise as opposed to encouragement. And at the same time you don't want to offend anyone by appearing like you are lashing out. So, thank you Kirby for understanding my point of view. I think on this journey like you rightly said, its more about listening and being present. But, often people have this notion that they hold the answers and begin to prescribe advise based on what they read on the internet or have heard from so and so. Please do not do it. Just listen and be present for me thats all I ask. I say this because while the prognosis of Hodgkins is good and estimated to be approximately 80% no one knows that I am not in the 20 percentile. In fact, some people fail to respond to chemo and who am I or any one to predict otherwise. What is the point of denying possibilities? Its nice to be positive but please lets keep it real. While I would like to be in the 80 percentile, I also want to remain cognizant of this negative aspect of this cancer to avoid any surprises or intense shocks. It is my way of taking charge of my health.
The other thing that my oncologist has discussed with me which is important for everyone to know is how chemotherapy works. Chemotherapy kills not only the tumour cells but the good cells as well. Because chemotherapy damages rapidly diving cells such as lymphocytes, your white blood cell count may drop dramatically after chemo causing your immune system to be unable to fight infection very well making you vulnerable to serious life-threatening infections. Furthermore, while chemotherapy is an effective form of treatment for hodgkins lymphoma it can also cause a different kind of cancer. So, my thing is when I say I am nervous it is not because of one thing only. There are several things that play in my mind some of which I have mentioned above which often send me into a spin. Don't get me wrong, I always hope for the best but like to prepare for the worst. I don't see anything wrong with that. So, when you hear that having cancer is an isolating experience it is because you find yourself ripped away from the normal flow of life. In fact, you can have all the people around you but for some strange reason you still feel alone. I have questions that only someone who has gone through cancer can answer. Cancer changes your life and stirs strong feelings of anger and sadness among other things. Even though there is evidence that some cancers can be cured, I still dread the idea that death may be confronting me right now. So how do you have that conversation with people who tell you "you are going to be fine". I don't understand why people fear talking about the inevitable like death. To tell you the truth, I have felt lonely more often than I have felt that I have people around me. I know it may not make sense to y'all but often, I feel so alone like I have never felt in my life. I have moments when I just go in the bathroom or my bedroom and just cry by myself. Then, I have those times in the middle of the night that I wake up and I find myself crying. I guess, sometimes you just don't feel like telling any one the truth about how you are feeling.
One reason I personally often hold back is because I just feel like whats the point? I find myself answering, "I am fine" even when I am not. Now, you are all wondering why? Remember just listen and be present because that is how cancer deals you. Rumbie shared something very profound and uplifting with me today and I quote, "We might not always see the positive side of things, thats because we are human'. But, Rumbie says, "when you fall you do not stay down for you have a God who holds you in His arms and He is the one who lifts you up". I feel comforted just to be reminded that its okay to feel the way I am feeling because I am human and its okay to fall but not feel crushed or driven to despair. That is the other reason I refuse to speak on the phone because seriously it aggravates me. Why should I go on the phone and have each caller no matter how loving ask me, How are you feeling? or How are you doing? Well, who wants to go on the phone all the time and say, "I feel like crap because I have cancer". Its like sometimes people forget that I still have cancer so why are you saying how are you feeling as if for some strange reason the cancer miraculously disappeared from my system. I love speaking with Tendayi though because she will never bring up the how I am feeling shit, please excuse my language. Anyway, I do yearn for semblance of life as it was before diagnosis. So, I guess I have to find ways to bring joy back into my life ensuring that my intellectual and emotional potential remain intact.
Even though you are facing what i imagine to be a very difficult journey, you never cease to amaze me as you look at the up-side of situations. I read your blog teary-eyed. You are my hero Dorothee.
ReplyDeleteI miss & Love you.