Forgiveness

Appreciating life is being able to wake up in the morning and knowing that the world is not perfect and that it is important to be in tune with both the negative and positive. Rather than grieve over life it is better to appreciate it with its ups and downs. Today, I just wanted to reflect on Forgiveness. To quote the words of a wise man, Mahatma Ghandi, "Forgiveness is a special attribute of the strong". Though, forgiveness is elusive, I believe I possess those strong qualities because I try to live my life walking forgiveness. I never let the sun go down on my wrath or an argument. In my life, I have learnt forgiveness the hard way. This is because I learnt that, to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you all along! How profound! I believe forgiveness is a journey similar to the journey with Hodgkin's that I am undertaking right now, where you want the cancer grip to be lessened but don't have an inclination of how or will power to follow through. Forgiveness loosens the grip and holds the key to our own happiness as we stop defining ourselves by the way we have been hurt.

Some may argue that each individual has a right to their indignation and that some things are too despicable to forgive. My argument is that forgiveness is all about finding peace in your heart and has very little to do with the other person. To withhold forgiveness means you are choosing to remain a victim. Therefore, forgiveness is a simple act of imagining a future based on the possibility that your hurt will not be the final word on the matter. Forgiveness has the power to give you control over your life by taking responsibility of your past in order to change your future. Therefore, forgiveness is a gift you can choose to give yourself. Forgiveness is not just about forgiving others it is about forgiving yourself as well. In fact, learning to forgive ourselves is much harder than forgiving others. This is because it is difficult to let go of that critical voice narrating your every move.

I do not want to sound too philosophical (like my children would remind me all the time) but, in my view forgiveness does have the immense power to turn misery into joy; it means choosing to let go and moving on. Who can question the beauty of moving on? When someone you love and trust hurts you it is easy to become very angry, bitter, sad or confused. But, dwelling on such hurtful events or situations and grudges can result in resentment and hostility all of which has been scientifically proven is detrimental to one's health. Look who is talking... I guess when mortality knocks on your door, there is a deep sense of intuition that propels you to become in tune with the meaning of life and the things that make us better human beings. I have learnt in my life that forgiveness has the power to change us from prisoners of the past to liberated people who are at peace with our memories. Don't get me wrong, forgiveness is not about forgetting what has been done to us. It is about accepting that we have a choice to make our future much more than dwelling on past hurts. I believe forgiveness is making that choice to restore faith in ourselves and our complex lives. Again, forgiving does not mean that you forget. You can forgive and still feel the pain tomorrow all over again.  The difference is that as life goes on when you feel that pain, you choose to remember that you have forgiven and proceed on your journey to happiness. Time has a way of dulling that kind of pain and it will eventually fade.

When I speak of negative feelings of hurt, I know how they can control you to the extent that it crowds out any positive feelings you may have for that person. I must admit, I have found myself more than I care to count, almost swallowed up by such bitterness and found myself just feeling that horrible sense of injustice that makes you an ugly person inside. I am not embarrassed to confess these feelings because I know for a fact that forgiveness is not an easy topic for many people. However, I am living testament that forgiveness can lead the person who hurt you to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion. I must confess that forgiveness is not an easy thing to do and I will be the first one to admit that I am still work in progress. At times I just feel like a precariously broken bridge under construction. I am sure you are all wondering where I am going with all this....Today I received a letter that melted my heart confirming the beauty of forgiveness that I am professing here. I received a letter from Tapfuma's dad whom I have not spoken too in a long time, as I continue to celebrate life because I believe a birthday should be celebrated for more than a day because life is such a unique gift that keeps on giving. This letter which I am going to share with ya'll just reminded me about the power of forgiveness, particularly its power to compel compassion and understanding.

Thank you Ticharwa Garabga for this life defining moment of how we move forward. Being the successful and brilliant lawyer that you are, I certainly appreciate your humility and courage to admit you were wrong. It means a lot to me. Most of all, I appreciate all the memorable love, happiness and goodness you brought to my life over the years and the gift of life that is Tapfuma. I forgave you a long time ago and today, I forgive you again because I know that you are a good man, but now you need to be a good dad - its never too late to pick up the pieces. For the ten years we were together I have nothing bad to say about you. Really, you were truly an amazing man! And I know it is the distance that set  us apart and I understand that living in different countries can be a challenge. I remember I used to call you "Mr. Charming" - for good reason and you gave that same charm, confidence, intelligence and sensitivity to your son. He is a true winner in life! He has swagga and is just your replica incarnate! I just don't know what happened with you being the best dad you always were for almost half of his life. I want you to know that being a good man alone is not enough when you have brought an innocent life into this world. You assume a new and coveted role of "fatherhood". There is never a good reason enough that can ever justify abandoning your key responsibilities and role as a father - except selfishness of course! Lest you have forgotten, boys need constant modelling from their fathers so that they can learn how to manage and appreciate their masculinity particularly how to relate to females and other males. I am sure you do not want your son to suffer from the negative experience of emotional numbness or selective amnesia of recalling the hurt of abandonment. Anyway, I think I have said enough.

Moving forward, lets bury the hatchet and hope that you do the right thing and be present in your son's life because you brought him into this world. Above all, I hope you can avail yourself to answer for yourself his poignant questions which are: "Why is my dad such a prick to ignore me like this? I never asked to be born" "Why doesn't my dad like me?" "What did I do to him not to care about me?" (he says). Those are the most difficult and painful questions a child can ask and leave a capable mother like me speechless and chocking in tears. It is not my intention to chide you in this public space but I am compelled by the circumstances of being confronted with my own mortality to just speak out and hopefully knock some sense into you. I don't take anything for granted anymore and I am more fearful than I used to be. Life just feels so fragile. I have done my part of telling your son, What and How everything happened but it is your duty to deal with the Why? because you hold those answers. I have given him the starting point that, no matter our feelings or perspective, there is one great commandment with a promise that compels us to honour our father and mother so that our days may be many in the land that Jehovah our God gave us. Still, your son needs you because I believe, just as children need parameters, all of us adults need some kind of yardstick by which we can measure ourselves as parents. It is my strong belief that seeking to define that which makes us good parents no matter how far apart we are, leads us towards a critical consideration of those responsibilities which are greater than the self. With that said, here is the beautiful and touching letter from a man I respect and still hold in high regard because in my skewed view, his goodness surpasses his mistakes:

Dear Amai Tapfuma,

I may not have joined on your journey but I want to let you know I follow it religiously. I am short of anything to say because despite all the education and exposure, I always shall remain the rusti cultured person I believe I am and shall always be. I read your birthday message to Tapfuma- Chikonamombe, I shed a tear or more. You are a wonderful God given parent not just to him but to all your kids. 21st September is a day I always bear in mind like I do the birthdays  of all my children. I was saying Tapfuma is now 18 that day. Some mysteriously originated e-mail message is the distance between me and my son and being both proud Garabga's the impasse continues. Please intervene, I am ready to swallow my pride.

Do carry on, on the journey, I shall continue to follow.

Baba vaTapfuma- Mbuya Chikonamombe.