Im-port-ant News...

Boy oh boy. After a good spell of wellness, I thought I was closing down this chapter of my life for now, but not so fast. How I hate posting about feeling unwell when things were beginning to look up. Was not able to go to work yesterday and today.  I am feeling sad because after having enjoyed a spell of wellness and just being back on my feet and what I supposedly love to call my new normal, I am having a small speed bump as I like to call it. The swelling seems to keep growing and I have stopped looking at myself in the mirror for fear of panicking myself or triggering an anxiety attack. The pain is excruciating which is frustrating because I hate taking these very strong painkillers which knock me out of commission. I am seeing my oncologist today and I hope he can give me a proper calming overview of what exactly is going on. By the way, yesterday I did feel so great because all my doctors were all concerned about me and calling me to make sure everything was fine and letting me know what the next steps are. That felt really good, just knowing that my healthcare team is on point. Sometimes you don't need just medication to make you feel better. You just need other people to show that they care and make you feel really good inside and thats exactly how I feel right now. I love you my healthcare team! Its called food for the soul. I am encouraged as I proceed.... Gotta go now don't wanna be late for my appointment with the oncologist.

Until then, I guess you have to stay tuned and lets all hope for the best.......

Confused, Trying to Figure Out....

Just trying to figure out....  Am I sounding like a broken record, that annoying repetitive track everyone is tired of hearing, which sounds like "I am sick, I am sick". Or is it that this horrendous journey is making me feel like I am losing it? Just wondering.... Or is this something that people go through after long periods of illness? I am tired of wondering.

Tinashe took that shot this week from my hospital bed when I was experiencing disorientation from a gravol shot. I must mention that I was also feeling exhausted from throwing up and just being pissed about not seeming to feel better. The funny part is, when she saw me throwing up she threw up also and suddenly it was like two convalescencing patients stuck in one room. We could not help ourselves but laugh hysterically. We both appreciated this moment of finding humour in a somewhat difficult situation. It also revealed how sad we were both feeling. We do keep revisiting this very unfortunate incident and still find ourselves laughing uncontrollably because it was funny as the nurses stood there confused but obviously affected by the dominor effect of the humour of it all and sharing in the amusement. So are the days of my life as we continue to enjoy the remnants of laughter even after all is said and done.

I have spent the past few days in hospital hooked up to an IV. After hoping the hospital visits were a thing of the past. Unfortunately that wish not yet granted. It appears I still have some hiccups here and there as the journey continues. The pain in my neck is just unbearable and I cannot stand the fever. But, no, I am not over the edge! I am just not feeling well but trying really hard to keep my head up and still looking forward to returning to normalcy mentally, emotionally and physically. Like I mentioned in my last post, I have been feeling crummy with that swelling on my neck coupled with the nerves. Every time I look in the mirror and see the recurring swelling on my neck, I become mushy and turn into an emotional wreck. Yeah, this whole thing is sending me into a tailspin. I keep thinking, Gosh! is that the tumour back or my imagination is going wild? What is going on? Yeah, just the fear alone of thinking maybe the treatment didn't work has been doing a number on me.

I keep thinking, Didn't I get a chemo/rad graduation recently? I feel ripped off right now because what was that celebration about? I feel like a hot mess for real! I know that I have tried to stay upbeat throughout the treatments but seriously, now that part is over, why am I feeling more afraid and worried than ever. I am scared and feel like the emotional plane is torpedoing. But, thanks to Tinashe my rock and pillar of support. I know that I am not impervious to the occasional downer, but she always manages to bring me back home to sanity where positive things happen. My Princess Tinashe, just keeps massaging my bruised ego and reminds me that I have a fighting spirit (which I am not sure sounds like me) and she keeps reminding me how strong I am and the resilience I have exhibited during not just this cancer journey but the day to day stresses and hassles of life in the past. Then, I start realizing that for sure, I always see the glass as half full even when it lies shattered on the ground. I take a deep breathe and I suddenly realize the importance of snapping out of it and allowing myself to live in the moment without worrying about the future or what could be.

The good news is, I am seeing my oncologist next week instead of the scheduled March. I cannot wait to go through all the tests again to make sure this is nothing but a glitch in my recovery journey. Until then, stay positive with me and remember, life is like an onion, you peel it off one layer at a time and sometimes we will weep. Not just tears of sadness, but sometimes, tears of joy from those rare moments where you find yourself laughing uncontrollably in the middle of despair. For me, those moments are more than just respite from sadness and pain but, a source of meaning and hope where courage and strength dwell. I find those particular moments healing and source of renewed strength to keep going. Such is the incomprehensible nature of life, as I continue to desperately search for those rare moments or flashes of clarity from the universe.

For now,  as I anxiously wait for the doctor to give me a cancer remission pass, lets all just live and breathe deeply......

Sometimes, I Just Need a Hug

Its funny how when you finish treatment, you suddenly feel excited and start making plans of reclaiming your life back from this cancer ordeal. Well, not yet! All my plans with my personal trainer at the gym right through the window! Lately, whenever people say, how are you doing I find myself saying, "I am okay!" Weird, because I am not yet okay but want desperately to be okay. This week has not been my best. I started off the week with a fever which progressed into severe body aches. I hate taking painkillers because I have been doing that for almost a year already. Now, I keep thinking, how many more drugs before this is over?

My neck is swollen where the tumour was and that gives me the bhajibhas! I am a bundle of nerves, wondering did the tumour shrink or its still there? Am thinking, this ain't right why am I swollen again? See, the more reason I am trying to draw a blank on this one. I am having difficulty turning my head and my ear is pounding so bad. I am not going to reflect much about all this because I don't want to send myself into an unnecessary frenzy. Then, I developed nasty body aches which are just so intense that I do not wish to talk about it either. The back pain is causing me difficulty in walking and doing simple tasks. Sigghhhh......

Its interesting how you get used to being sick and all the aches that go with it. I had not taken all this seriously granted the doctor had informed me I might experience after chemo/radiation side effects. But, since these aches are not going away, I do have an appointment scheduled for next week. Hopefully, that will help allay my fears. Anyway, I just want all these aches and pains to go away. Most of all, my wish is that a cancer breakthrough is found that prevents cancer in the first place, so that no one ever has to go through these difficult things.  I will continue to take baby steps and hang in there until I regain my strength and sanity. Until then continue to stay tuned....

Getting Carried Away

When you are sick and home bound having visitors is one of the most exciting and uplifting event.  I feel like a kid being taken to the park to play. This weekend I had two special guests my dear friend Esther and my lovely sekuru Stewart Doma.  Esther had promised to come earlier but seeing that the day was coming to an end I had assumed that she was busy studying for her upcoming exams next week which always tears her away from everyone. Good luck Esther in your exams! Anyway, as Esther walked in later in the day after I had given up, I was thrilled. Before she could sit down, my favourite sekuru Stewart also surprised me with an unexpected visit. I must say we had such an amazing time and chatted away. Then, I did the unthinkable, I got carried away seeing everyone eating sadza (our traditional food) and joined in the feasting forgetting my now very sensitive stomach. After everyone left, I was so sick.  I violently threw up and felt like I had just eaten poison.  I kicked myself for getting carried away and thinking I am feeling much better. Bloom! that went my weekend into the drain. I threw up on Saturday night and the whole of Sunday going into Monday morning.  So, the thing is I didn't sleep very well this weekend so I am just beginning my week feeling really cranky again. However, I did have a great time apart from my failing to take it easy on the food. Until then......