After Chemo....

I am sure everyone has been wondering where I have been? Yeah, chemo knocks the hell out of you and takes you out of the picture! I was down and under - really out! If that makes any sense at all. It feels like the more chemo you get the more you feel really sick. I had the usual, mouth sores, constant nausea and vomiting, blah blah blah you must all be tired of hearing that by now. What's new you must be saying? Of late, I have new side effects which really freaked me out. My hands have turned black. I have developed skin black discolouration which the doctor stated is a chemotherapy side effect. I have these black patches in both my hands and feet including some other parts of my body. Kinda like I have been working with black ink or tar.  My hands look like I dipped them into black ink and it can't come off. No, its not painful, its just looks ugly and so black. It keeps freaking me out every time I look at my hands. After all the jabbing and having my chemo administered through my veins, I am now reaping the rewards. My arm veins are very sore and I am unable to lift anything including carry my own purse. I know this will get better after a while. Even though, I had my last chemo a week now, I still feel constant fatigue and very low energy even after spending most of my time sleeping.

I just want to take a moment to thank all of you who have sent me messages privately. I appreciate y'all so much. The honest truth is I have not yet even had an opportunity to be excited that I finished chemo because of the horrible way I am feeling. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that I have finished my chemo treatments but the truth is, my future is unknown. I really do not feel quite ready to celebrate as yet. I still have to start and finish my radiation treatments a journey I have been warned can be horrible on its own. So, the fear of this part of unknown leaves me exactly where I started from a few months ago - A Hot Mess! I can't seem to shake off these feelings of anxiety and sadness. So, for now, I just need to hear that my scans scheduled for next week are clear of the bad cells. Also, I just want to do this radiation treatment before I can utter the proverbial word "celebration". The cancer treatment journey feels so protracted with my radiation treatments going through up to January 2012 next year. So, all I am thinking about right now is, how sad, what a sad Christmas and what a sad New Year!

I know, I have said this countless times but let me just say it again. I absolutely, categorically hate chemo! It is so horrible and makes me feel really awful. and brings the worst in me  I know, I know, without chemo cancer prognosis is not good. But, the thing about chemotherapy is just how harsh it is on the body and just how it makes you feel so awful. Sometimes, I just feel like this body doe not belong to me any more. I feel like aliens invaded my body and somehow took control. There are no words that can best describe the extremity chemo makes me feel. Its just beyond words. Its not just one thing, the list is just so long that sometimes when people ask how I am doing, I just say I am fine because its just difficult to explain how I am feeling. The truth is I am mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. Now, I am just going through the motions to get better without really thinking too much about it. Its funny how Hodgkin's is regarded as the good cancer. To me, cancer is cancer and scares me to death and chemotherapy has destroyed everything that used to be me. Need I say more.... Anyway, I am anxious about so many things cancer. For example, I am scared about the future scans and other adverse reactions from chemo and radiation. I guess I need to stop over analyzing and just take one day at a time which of course is a daunting task. Anyway, I will be back in full force soon and will update ya'll about a lot of stuff. Stay tuned and be kind to one another.....