Adapting to this New Normal

To survive this new normal I must adapt or else.. I am screwed. After chemo, the road has remained bumpy with pins and needles on my fingers and numbness still bugging me, hence the delay in posting stuff. Apart from the pins and needles, which I pray are temporary, I develop these horrible mouth sores immediately after chemo treatment. I guess at this point I am allowed to bitch because these suckers are so annoying and painful. To ease the pain, I have to keep swishing with baking soda salt solution every two or three hours including waking up in the middle of the night. I find myself doing this really weird dance in the bathroom because this salt solution does sting and brings these involuntary tears to my eyes. Well, this comes with the territory of chemo toxicity. The day of chemo my mouth begins to burn like there is fire in my mouth and my tongue feels like someone is cutting it with a razor blade. By day two the pain is so intense and my mouth is red and inflammed. Day three up to five is the same story. Now, I have resorted to using a children's toothbrush which is gentler on the gums. The mouth sores are a nuisance if you ask me, not only because of the discomfort they cause but the limitation they pose on eating, swallowing or even talking.

I must say, chemotherapy side effects are worse than cancer. I am sure some people are like what the hell are you saying. Truth be told, if your doctor doesn't tell you you have cancer you would go about your business as normal.  As for chemo, the treatment is grueling and seriously! how do you explain spending time marinating in a stew of toxic stuff? The general feeling of malaise, the vomiting, the unexplainable aches and pains etc. etc. The fatigue that comes with chemo aaarrgggh!!! I am unable to explain it because it feels like you have sleeping sickness. So, listen to my Oncologist and I remain in the comfort of my bed and hope all this rest helps with the recovery process.  I am not going to go into the details of hurling up even when you have eaten nothing. Anyway, as my new normal I know that I have to adapt and persevere. During this time, I have to drink plenty of water and stick to soup. In fact, I don't think I will be able to stand any kind of soup after this journey because I am just so done. The truth is I envy people who don't get sick from chemo. I hate these side effects so much because these mouth sores for example, are very painful and prevent me from eating and enjoying good stuff that I love like smoothies and fresh fruits. I had strawberries today and sang a little song just from the joy of being able to eat something decent. Enough of the whining, I am feeling better after five days of hiatus and nursing side effects. As I celebrate the small stuff, I am happy to report that I am now able to eat and drink especially enjoying the normal! I know this chemo is supposed to be saving me but I just want it to end - RIGHT NOW! Until then, stay tuned.....

Is There a Light at the end of the Dark Tunnel?

Aarrrggghhh!!!! where is the light at the end of this dark tunnel? Today is my crappy day. I woke up feeling so sick, after taking my temperature which I am supposed to monitor religiously I noticed that I had a fever of 38 degrees celsius. That freaked me out. I thought I am not supposed to feel these side effects so soon! My whole body was hurting my chest was hurting and I felt like it was on fire. I figured Oh! no! I was going to catch a cold. If I had a choice, I would not have left my bed at all. But, today I had to go for the Gallium scan part two. As I lay there under this huge doughnut machine, I closed my eyes to distract myself but it did not work. Anyway, the scan is a simple one but for me it felt like a monumental task given the way I was feeling. Did I mention they ask you to place your hands on your side then they wrap you up in a kind of like a straight jacket with tight velcro grips. And another velcro tight wrap is placed round your head to help you stay still. I thought what the heck! This looks someone going under the guillotine. Yeah, my brain runs wild like that sometimes. Oh well, I did let them know though that this was really creepy and can give a major anxiety attack. And they admitted I was not the first to say this but this test was important because it was part of Staging. I thought thanks for the reminder that I have cancer and I need this creepy scan. When I got home, I was feeling really really sick, my chest was tight and my whole body was hurting and I was feeling chills coupled with severe stomach cramps. I took my temperature again and noticed that I still had a fever - now it was 38.2 degrees celsius but there was no way I was going to an emergency - I was just too tired and too sick to even manage that. And who wants to be at the hospital at thanksgiving weekend. Not that I have anything planned. I may be sick but I am still thankful for many things in my life. I slept throughout the day and that seemed to help. However, when I woke up my chest was still hurting and I suddenly felt this burning sensation in my mouth - my tongue felt like it was on fire and painful to even open it. I threw up the soup that I had taken earlier and aargghh! I have not eaten in two days now. - just drinking lots of iced water. I feel so horrible! Tapfuma came home from school and he went and bought some baking soda. He made a solution and mixed it with salt which gave me temporary relief after swishing it in my mouth. Will continue to monitor the fever and the mouth sores. If the fever and the burning in my mouth continues I will go to the emergency. Until then... I need to go back to sleep and get some more rest.