I am an Emotional Wreck...

Phew! Sometimes its hard to keep it together particularly when you don't know whether your health is taking a tumble or a turn. I find myself just needing to take a deep breath in order to get through the day and recognize that better days will come. Since my last post, I continue to struggle with the inflammation on my jaw, my neck and now I have difficulty swallowing. And, yes, because of the pain, I have trouble hearing with the affected side and the dry mouth has become more severe. It appears my situation has progressively gotten worse. My initial reaction when this recurred in February was to shut the thoughts up in some dark corner of my brain where possibilities of repressing memories are high. However, that didn't work at all. The anxiety continues to creep in everyday. And I continue to worry that,"what if the cancer is back?" 

This road my dear friends has been rough and rocky. I cannot fathom going through this again. I do not want to travel down this lonely and desolate path again. But, do I have a choice? Lately, my life has turned into series of more aches and pains. More Doctor visits, more antibiotics, more painkillers and more specialist visits. But, most overwhelming is the confusion and the worry. I now can recite different types of antibiotics with eyes closed. I know the various intensity of prescription pain killers.

So, today I just saw my doctor. I dislike every visit because of the fact that I have to step back in time and relive my cancer all over again.  She dropped a bomb on me when she said, I have to request we do another biopsy again to make sure there is no new tumour growth on my neck. I closed my eyes because I saw myself tumbling down this very dark tunnel head first.  I remembered the excruciating pain of my last biopsy which made me cry like a little baby. I was visibly shaken and felt all these intense emotions. I know I have to pull myself together.  I cannot fathom going through that experience once again. My jaw dropped, I am embarrassed to report that I had an emotional meltdown. I cried, and cried some more when I got to work. As my boss held my hand comforting me, telling me I could take some time off. She cried too! (I love my work mates). A big shout out to my favourite Dr Steve Matlis my colleague who cares so much about my well being. I appreciate you so much! Oh dear, I had a major melt down! LOL! I still chock up every time I think or talk about it. Now, I don't feel like talking about it because it makes me want to cry some more. I feel emotionally numb. 

Well, excuse me, I think right now I just need to take a moment and take that much needed deep breath. I feel like I am on some emotional roller coaster again. Even though I try to remember to appreciate everyday, it is hard to do that with this recurring lump on my neck. At the same time, I feel like all the dark days that I have been through have hardened me. I also fear that all the dark days are most likely to come. I do recognize that this whole journey affects everyone around me, my family and friends as well. I know I dont say this enough, I don't know what I would do or where I would be right now without your support. You give me courage and hope to stay positive and I am forever thankful for that. With that said, let me work on my emotions that have a tendency to drift from the safety and joy of the now to unfounded anxieties and scary memories of the past. Today, I am going to have some Sushi and go for a walk in Chinatown and smile because I know that simply breathing means - anything is possible.

Scared..Scared and more scared lump on my jaw line

I am sorry for the apparent abandoning of my blog. It was not my intention to be so tardy.  I just didn't have much to say or maybe I was just playing avoidance. Aluta Continua! That means "the struggle continues"!(popular Portuguese slogan used to cultivate popular support against colonial presence during the apartheid liberation struggle in my beloved home country Zimbabwe ). Time has gone by surprisingly fast. I cannot believe christmas came and new year just passed and I have not posted in a while. I guess that is what happens when you do not have much to talk about - which is a good thing I guess. Otherwise, Happy belated New Year to y'all! Many thanks to all of you who have kept checking up on me and continue giving me much needed encouragement and support. Thank you for your emails, tweets, phone calls and in person support. After starting a new position in October last year, I felt like I needed a break from thinking about this damn cancer which included writing this blog. 

I have thought about discontinuing this blog, but I remembered that when I was first diagnosed with cancer, I would spend my time reading other people's blogs and most of them just ended abruptly as soon as treatment ended. It bothered me and left me feeling scared and curious and wondering how they were doing. I often wondered whether they were in partial remission like me or stayed in remission or not or whether they died. Just thinking about that scared the crap out of me. So, I decided to keep my blog up and will try updating as often as I can.

Like I said in my previous blogs, life after cancer is not easy. Its pretty hard! One of the biggest struggles is getting people to understand how I feel about all that I have been through - it has not been easy and I realize it will continue to be a challenge. Most people have the attitude that I am done with cancer now and should be able to move on and not think about it anymore. NO! I CANNOT! I do worry constantly and I am anxious about my cancer coming back more-so, now that I have this recent swelling again the size of a marble on my jaw the same spot that ended up being opened up in July last year. The uncertainty is extremely scary and causes me to lay awake at night wondering what if? Then, in the morning I go to work feeling extremely exhausted from lack of sleep and the vicious worry cycle continues.

Sometimes, I feel like I am expected to just forget that I had cancer and move on with my life. Honestly, I dont know how to do that. I am trying but it is extremely hard. From the outside everyone says how great I look and how well I am doing. Even my two lovely Oncologist say I am doing great. But, I feel like saying, "I really dont feel great at all.. Why do I keep getting the same painful swelling on the same spot where I had the biggest tumor. Just because I am not acting like an emotional mess in front of people does not mean that I am doing or feeling great". It feels like there is no end to this whole situation. You dont stop having cancer once treatment is over. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate that I am feeling much better in comparison to when this journey started. But, the truth, cancer is now part of me. Like many cancer survivors, I continue to grope for a suitable word that makes sense of this new place. Sometimes, I wonder how can I call myself a survivor when I will spend the rest of my life being monitored and tested. What about the scars on my body? Sadly, cancer is part of me now. Its embedded in my life forever and will constantly be in the back of my mind. But, I refuse to let it take over my life. Its funny that everyone tells me how strong I am, which is the most humbling compliment... but, I dont really feel that I have been strong at all. I feel that when life throws you curveballs, you either choose to be positive and get through it the best you can ... or you can let it bring you down in a dark place you dont want to be. I just chose the more positive route.

For the most part, all I want to do is pretend the nightmare never happened. That, I didn't lose months and months of my life to pain, appointments, emergency room visits. Who knows, one day I will have the courage to just reflect and make sense of the whole experience. After all those months of going through what I still consider hell, I have moved on - so I keep thinking until something comes up. The sort of bad news is that last week I started feeling feverish and ended up with a swelling on the same spot that sent me under the blade in July 2012. I just had an aspiration done last week and have been taking antibiotics. All this stuff scares the crap out of me. I am seeing my oncologist next week. Hopefully it will turn out to be nothing serious.

I am not sure if I posted that I am now a clinical social worker at a health centre(same organization). Yeah, that was another move up the ladder. Do I hear an Amen?? I am loving being back to work and feeling great most of the time. But, most of all, maintaining a swag that allows me to pass for healthy. In actual truth, the journey continues. Side effects do remain. Hello dry mouth that keeps me awake to take frequent sips of water during the night and every few minutes during the day. This radiation sure did a number on my glands that I don't know will ever heal soon enough. Physically, I am not back to myself yet. I feel chronic fatigue and shortness of breath. However, I still go to the gym and it does help a lot. Since end of treatment, I started "clean eating" and buying organic produce. While the cancer anxiety is not so much, I still worry about it coming back though it is definitely not in the front of my mind as before. I still live in a body that feels like crap a lot of the time. It has taken me time to really learn how to take care of myself in a new way and live again. My life is forever changed but I am truly enjoying the gift of seeing life from the other side of the coin. Most people will live their entire lives and never get to see it the way that I now do. There are things to be thankful for everyday.


One who lived a nightmare but, still lives!

What and If

'What' and ‘if’ two words as non-threatening
as words come. But put
them together side-by-side and they
have the power to haunt you for the
rest of your life: ‘What if?'..."

"I don't know how your story ended.
But I know that if what you felt
then was love - true love - then
it's never too late. If it was true
then it why wouldn't it be true
now? You need only the courage to
follow your heart..."

Claire (Vanessa Redgrave), Letters To Juliet

Fabulous Five-Oh!

Today, I often do forget how old I am. I need some digital calculator to subtract the year I was born from today's date to figure it out. I don't worry about or celebrate "years" anymore. I am just happy to be here. Happy to have family and friends I love. Happy to have fulfilling work. Just plain happy to be alive and well. I now celebrate my birthday everyday when I wake up - It is a new birth for me. It means I made it another day. I no longer care how old I am getting. Just grateful to be alive and sharing precious time with those I love and can't be without. Every year is a step forward away from the year I had to fight for my life. Before cancer, I took everything for granted. Now, I appreciate every new day. When I hear people complain, I have to think before I respond, because someone who has not been through cancer, cannot appreciate life and all that it brings. It feels great to be alive.

If I had to sum up my 50th Birthday Anniversary in one word, the word would be "Fabulous".  The amazing people in my life made great such effort in making my birthday just beautiful and memorable! Milestones Restaurant was just appropriate for the occasion. A milestone indeed!  I just want to thank all my family and friends for the overwhelming birthday wishes and cheer. Thank you for your continued love, support and encouragement throughout my crisis and personal struggles. Most important, a big thank you to everyone for a lovely birthday dinner. It was absolutely fabulous and great to get together with everyone and just be present in the moment. I just think we all needed that because we sure had good food and good laughs. Wow! I love y'all thank you for making me feel so special and loved.

Oh No....the Big 50 Five-OH!!!

For those of you who are not in the loop, tomorrow is my birthday so I thought that I might blog about what this means for me especially after cancer. Tomorrow, I will turn 50 years old. It is my first birthday since being diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma and going through chemo and radiation. I am just happy to be here and have the sun shining in this often cold place. I don't care how old I am turning. Some people would be thinking wow! that is jubilee celebrations - it gotta be big or how will I put it together. For me, all that is far from my thoughts. I know that at 50 "Ahhhh... is the sound I will make every time I sit down in a chair from now on and Uhhhhh... is the sound I will make every time I get up from a chair from now on. Then, I am thinking, as you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes and oops! I can't remember the other two... Good Lord, I am thinking this is crazy..

And... yeah  I remember before my diagnosis, I always said I would want my 50th to be big and fabulous. But, now my thoughts are very far and a bit different. I am thinking,Wow! I made it! I am looking back and doing a lot of reflection on what happened in my life just this past year and how much I have changed.....Don't get me wrong, I do feel privileged reaching this milestone but, I cannot shake off the feeling of my friends I journeyed with during chemo and did not make it. You are forever in my heart. May God rest your body and soul in peace. As the days got closer I kept thinking about the cancer friends I met during treatment and during this journey particularly those that are still struggling more than me. I could not help but keep thinking about those cancer friends I have lost over this short year. I survived and I feel privileged! Most of my friends and my family really wanted a big celebration but I found myself wanting really solitude.

Anyway, here I am after my diagnosis. I have a whole life ahead of me though much different than I had planned prior to my diagnosis. I keep wondering who would I be and what would I be doing had cancer never found its way into my life. This sure was a dramatic curve ball thrown my way which changed everything and will continue to change who I am for the rest of my life. But, the key thing is that I have my life and therefore, I will celebrate that with utmost joy and respect. Life is one of those rare gifts that I hold very close to my heart. I welcome this 50th birthday anniverary and look forward to an amazing year filled with new adventures and dreams to particularly run a marathon for Cancer cure next year.

With that said, I must admit that before cancer, I took everything for granted. Now, I appreciate every new day and put as much as I can into a day. In fact, when I hear people complain about little things, I have to take a pause and think before snapping at them because someone who has not been through cancer cannot appreciate life and all that it brings. I am grateful for every person I encountered throughout my journey. You are the charming gardeners who make my soul blossom! 

Well, who knows whats gonna happen... To keep your spot in the loop, just stay tuned for the big Five-Oh! news..

xoxo

My Daughter got hit by a taxi cab driver

Today of all days I am down with a severe respiratory infection and recovering from the surgery. Then, I get this phone call that Tinashe had been hit by a car. On receiving the news, I just felt numb and could not get out my bed. You know how when you receive such news you just have this feeling that someone is not telling you everything. Anyway, what happened was, Tinashe was cycling as she always does on one of our very busy streets and this taxi cab driver carelessly hit her dragged into the other lane where another car was coming from another direction. As she fell on the pavement the bike was on top of her, she says she saw the other coming towards her, almost running her over. But, she could not move an inch. She talks about the kind of shock that paralyses you and leaves you helpless.

First off, thank God, she was wearing a helmet which she had just purchased the previous day. Secondly, thank God the other motorist was able to apply brakes right in front of where she was lying down. The guy, I am told was so shaken but was able to lift Tinashe out of the road in case another car came speeding. He was visibly shaken and kept saying I almost killed you. He was so shaken he could not drive his car and had to ask someone else to come and drive him.

Anyway that is the good guy, now the taxi guy he starts yelling at Tinashe that,"you are affecting my livelihood"! And he does not even care to see if she is okay. I am still scratching my head.... Can you believe some careless drivers??? Anyway, the public came to her rescue before the police came on the scene. The public really told this guy off that he should be placed behind bars for his callousness. I love Torontonians, they are still beautiful people around..  Let me just take this opportunity to appreciate the heroes that were the first respondents. It was the public that gathered around and held her hand and comforted her. Even, one stranger accompanied her to the hospital. There are still good people around..... Once the police came and ambulance, she was taken to the hospital and is doing fine. She hurt her back and her right arm which is in a brace support bandage. She suffered whiplash and torn tendons. As for the taxi guy, his license was suspended and hopefully she can sue for damages and loss of income for the time she is unable to perform normal daily tasks. What is interesting about all this is how much she was minimizing her experience. As always, putting me first. She kept saying I am the one who is sick yet it was obvious that she was injured yet remained selfless as always. What would I do really without this amazing daughter that God gave me??? Always ready to give without expecting anything in return. I love you Tinashe and I am wishing you a speedy recovery....

xoxo

I am still here....Updates

It seems like ages since I have posted updates so I thought it was about time I updated y'all properly on what has been going on in my world. You know I miss y'all. And, thank you to all those who have inboxed checking up on me. A lot has been happening with me these past few weeks. You have not heard from me in a while because I figured, why not blog when things are looking up rather than blog about sad and depressing stuff. While I do feel guilty at times about this I find myself pausing and reminding myself what this blog was really about, RESOLVING TO LIVE and if I am doing that, it means I don't always have to be a Debbie Downer but breathe LIFE! Of course, the side effects are still in force. My saliva is still missing in action and the fatigue continues. Sometimes I feel like a centenarian - yeah over 100 years old believe me. But, as always I remain hopeful that this will all go away at some point with all the abundant love surrounding me and the gym tonic...I recharge every time I go to the gym its been working miracles so far.

I know the worst appears to be over and I am coping extremely well, healing, adjusting to work/life balance and rebuilding in every sense of the word. Often, it feels like a real chore - the truth is, the illness, the pain, the terror of almost dying shattered something in my soul. So, as much as many people talk about healing and moving on, I believe there is no such thing because the trauma remains deeply etched in my brain. Life is never the same after cancer. I do have those occasional pity party moments but try to remain positive. Just to give y'all an update and assure everyone that I have not gone anywhere. Am still here and kicking cancer's ass in spite of.... all the above!  I still worry that the cancer may come back but I know that whatever happens I will be able to deal with it. As always, I have control over my diet, exercise and attitude but there are some things in life we can never control. With that said, I promise to work hard on continuing this blog and reminding everyone who reads my blog that there is life after cancer. The journey may be difficult but once you get there it can be pretty amazing.

Anyway, the last time you heard from me, I had a golf ball size swelling on my jaw. I went to see my Oncologist last week and he referred me back to the Oncologist Surgeon who had initially done my biopsy at the beginning of this journey. Boy! when that happened, I was shocked and I just stopped in my tracks. Many things going through my mind.... First, I thought, wow, has the cancer made a return? Then, I also remembered how painful the surgical biopsy was and I was overwhelmed with emotion. I wept, because I thought this sure feels like a classic snakes and ladder's game which I am not keen on playing at all. Then, I recalled how I had been mistreated during the beginning of this cancer journey. I felt like asking my oncologist to refer me to someone else. But, remember last time I talked about hitting the refresh button. Well, I did just that, I hit the refresh button on life and it seems to really help because it gave me a clean slate and a dose of courage to confront life curve balls every time they are thrown at me.

As always, I went in with my rock, Tinashe by my side, just nervous and anxious but carrying the ever blazing optimistic torch. The good news is, this guy unlike last time, actually remembered me, including my first name and treated me so well. We were both dumb founded. He told me that I had an inflammed abscess and proceeded to explain what was going to happen before doing the incision and drainage. Yeah it was quite painful because apparently anaesthesia does not really work on an inflammed part of the skin. Still the good news is, I felt like the red carpet was rolled out for me despite the very painful procedure. From his assistant up to the residents, nurses, I just felt like a VIP. After the unpleasant procedure, I continued taking my antibiotics and pain meds and within a few days felt much better. The swelling actually went down within a few days which made happy. But, that does not mean I am out of the woods yet.

So far, I just have a scar on my cheek a reminder of this never ending journey called cancer. No wonder its called a journey! Now, I am waiting for my next appointment in August where the same surgeon will do a CT Scan and insert a camera through my nose to determine why I had the inflammation in the first place. He wants to make sure I do not have any hodgkins tumours growing again under the abscess. So, stay tuned for that part of the journey.

Until then, "Dream as if you will live forever and live as if you will die today"...

xoxo