I Look Okay But, I am Not Okay....

Let me start with sharing good stuff! the I look okay factor! My hair has started growing now after all the boohoo chemo nightmare and tears! Who can forget the tears of losing my sister locs/dread locs and the brief wig drama! The funny part, is my hair came back different! I am so happy its back and I don't have to wear hats, scarfs or a wig, that I don't care much about. I have also always wanted curls and now I have them. I have heard many different things that hair comes back one way then after a few months goes back to how it was. If curls will stay (Yay!) If curls are temporary (Boo..) the texture has changed baby fine curly and cute. I love my new hair! Tinashe is always enjoying and playing with the little curls. Looks nice, so I am told. LOL!! The oncologist had told me it may come out grey but nope, its black, curly and cute!

After riding the Hodgkins bus, the end of treatment can be challenging as I am finding out. As I reflect on the profound physical and emotional assaults to which I have been subjected to - the feeling is surreal. It does not feel like it happened to me. I have developed a mask that I put on in order to hide some of my real feelings, particularly from unwittingly insensitive or unhelpful remarks. For instance, I have learned to smile when someone says cheerily, "You look really well" when I am actually feeling terrible. Many people think that cancer is like other illnesses where once treatment is complete the disease is cured and you are better. Surprise, surprise, cancer is infinitely more complex than that simplistic analysis. The end of treatment is the beginning of something else. It is a rebuilding process that requires management and direction. Just to put it lightly, I am still reflecting on what I have been through and trying to put everything in its rightful place in my personal life autobiography or history.

Wait a minute.... allow me to say this again. When you finish treatment this cancer roller coaster is never over. Trust me.... Remember I have mentioned how these first few months post-treatment have been a time of change for me. Its not so much getting back to normal but trying to find out what my own normal is and re-defining that can be quite an insurmountable task. Even though my life has new meaning and I do look at things differently, I understand that things can keep changing during this recovery process. I often experience mixed emotions and lately, I discovered that my own expectations and reality often collide. Sometimes I feel disappointed and frustrated when I am unable to meet my own physical or emotional expectations. During that time, I feel isolated as though I do not belong. While I do feel hope, gratitude and relief that I finished treatment and feel much better than before, I have days when I feel apprehensive, cautious and uncertain about the future. I am always wondering whether this cancer is gone or if it will return. Living with uncertainty is the most difficult aspect of living with the aftermath of cancer.

Because I am looking better (whatever that means) I have noted that people around me often do not recognize the struggle I am experiencing, sometimes pain and despair; let alone the adjusting and recovering that I need to heal and regain my energy and my whole being. Some people expect me to return to normal before I am ready but some do understand (what is normal anyway? I keep asking). These days, I like saying that I am selfish. I put myself first! I listen to my body and give priority to taking care of my physical and mental health. I do pay attention to what I am capable of, including avoiding activities that are too much for me. I set my own pace as I rigorously plan for a gradual return to my former self. Thank God I have been blessed with an amazing job where I am treated with utmost compassion and care and I enjoy the flexibility of being able to work from home when I am not feeling well. I do feel incredibly supported and for that I am eternally grateful.

Last week, despite all the gym toning and exercise, I had been feeling really fatigued and lacked the vigor necessary to manage minimal daily tasks. Just that frightening place where the old certainties and norms are gone and I seemingly keep pandering to look at the world afresh. I took two days off to rest and still did not feel better. Instead, I developed a fever which I ignored at first until I noticed a painful swelling on my left jaw- the exact same sport where the tumour suckers were. I have a lump the size of a marble on my lower jaw and aaarrgggh!! it hurts. I immediately called my chemo oncologist and got a voice message that he was away until next week. Then, I called my radiation oncologist who asked me to go in and see him immediately. He was not sure what was going on. He prescribed antibiotics for seven days and ordered blood work to rule out any infection. Why do I keep forgetting that chemo knocked down my immune system? By Friday the swelling appeared bigger and my left ear is very sore. Am I scared? Absolutely! Am I panicking? Absolutely not! I am calling this one a challenge not a crisis. Hopefully, the antibiotic will take care of this bump in the ride and the morphine is handling the pain. There, the emotional and physical part of Hodgkins recovery continues. A luta Continua! (Portuguese phrase meaning "the struggle continues").

Like a good sport, I will therefore continue to share the ups and downs. So, the odd updates like this one will continue.  Here is the thing, while I would love to pop the champagne lets keep it on the ice until this news is confirmed by the blood work results and visible reduced swelling if it is just an infection. Rest assured, it is not all doom and gloom because there are times when I wake up feeling better than I did the day before. In my new normal, I am solely focusing on the principle of one day at a time understanding that the recovery process may be slow and gradual.  So, I will continue holding onto faith, believing that change will come whenever that is. Meantime, I continue to live with intention and purpose, play with abandon, laugh more from the belly, appreciate all my family and friends and most of all live as if this is all there is. All in all, I recognize and am comforted that I am part of something greater than myself.

Until next time, do take time to pamper and be good to yourself.


and Bliss...

In Sheep's Clothing....

How can you think of saying, "Friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in you eye, when you can't see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye, then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your frend's eye (Luke 6:42).

Have you ever come across certain people at the work place who pretend to be all smiles and nice in your face. But, the minute you turn your back the daggers are all out??? Unfortunately, I have got one or more of these I am dealing with currently and I have gone home with severe headaches. So, to relieve my stress, I decided to hit the library and came up with George Simon's book, "In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People". Quite an interesting read I must say and a hit on the bulls eye! Granted, stress is the last thing I need to check off my bucket list of goals of healing. (Studies show stress hormones make it easier for malignant tumours to grow and spread).  Of course, I don't want that to happen! So, I decided to expand my consciousness because the last time I had such experiences of underhanded ways people fight in their daily endeavours was in high school. You know when you had these two mean girls constantly ganging up on you in high school? Thats how it feels - AWFUL!!!! And by the way, I looked up underhanded and here is what I came up with: lack of straightforwardness and honesty in action, craftiness, deviousness, shadiness, shiftiness, slyness, sneakiness. Phew! that sounds absolutely awful and distasteful!

How does this play out? Don't ask for my opinion then get mad when I tell you how I feel and you intentionally throw in those sarcastic jabs in response. Why do you seem to relish in taking verbal jabs at me? Sarcasm is defined as "to tear flesh, gnash the teeth or speak bitterly". Wow! How sad...  Isn't that hypocritical? I think it is because hypocrites are deceitful and phoney. Professing one set of beliefs while living by another. Other scenarios are when the aggressor refuses to admit that they have done something hurtful and play the "Who.... Me.. Thats not what I meant..?" tactic inviting the victim to feel unjustified in confronting the aggressor about the inappropriateness of a behaviour whether its insensitivity, gossiping, backstabbing or the usual shadiness. Mind you, these individuals use backstabbing tactics only fit for losers. These individuals already believe that they are smarter and completely superior to humanity as a whole. They are narcissist, selfish and self centered. They are always telling everyone they are good hearted, they love peace and love everyone to get along. Blah blah blah Bullshit! excuse my French! They carry their angel wings, halo and fluffy white robe like they are the best thing God ever created. If you catch them they always have a story which does not make any sense at all. They run for positive lime light and like roaches scurry for darkness when the results for negative behaviours are being served. Their motivation is to look good at any cost. I think you are getting the drift of what I am saying.... These are toxic people who like to accuse, tantrum, manipulate and smear their way to getting their way or causing a fight. Their out of control emotions and self-centredness make the blame game and the smear campaign two of their favorite tactics for keeping you engaged with them so they can feed off you. These shady characters love to point fingers and never accept responsibility for anything. They make a lot of noise. Like my mother used to say, an empty can makes a lot of noise - it is true because their mouth is always going and going.....they are loud...blabbermouths and you wonder when they are you going to shut up??? Oh! God! Sometimes I just need my quiet moments because they are my healing moments.

Anyway, my philosophy in life is simple;  I believe life is too short to wake up with any regrets. So, I love the people who treat me right and I forget about the ones who don't. I guess I have reached a place in my life where I just need to let go of all the pointless drama and the people that create it and surround myself with people who make me laugh such that I forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy. I have learnt that many people are like garbage trucks. Running around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger and full of disappointment. As the garbage piles up these people look for a place to dump it. And if you let them they will dump it on you. My two cents, when someone wants to dump on you don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well and keep it moving. Believe me, you'll be happier. Do you often engage with people who take pleasure in espousing crazy talk, negativity or languishing in the past? Here is my piece of advice, if you are surrounded by the former, I recommend weeding your personal garden of buzz kills, complainers, controllers and drama queens. Today, as I move forward, I just let go of these toxic people whom I just met yesterday and are trying to bring garbage and toxicity into my life. So, I am dropping the rope immediately and walking away. I just remembered I am surrounded by abundant love - my amazingly huge family and friends! So, letting go feels liberating, exhilerating and empowering. I feel renewed! Until next time, be kind to yourselves....

Reclaiming My Life.....

Hello good people! I cannot believe time has gone by so fast. I have settled well in my new job and continue to negotiate my health and my new normal. Who can forget that tumultuous year that just passed? I could hardly wait to get back to a normal life again. But, what is normal anyway? The more days go by, the more I find myself speaking about this cancer journey in the past tense about what was quite an ordeal. I hate cancer because of what I went through, and I hate cancer because it continues to take many lives. I hate cancer period! But most of all, I hate the positive attitude idea that "Oh you can beat this/Oh you did beat this!" that people tend to throw around without much thought. And recently I have met people who think they know so much about grief and its related losses. Dear God! why do people always think they hold answers to everything? But, then I remembered, "to think you know already is the logic of fools!" It is hard for people to understand that positive thoughts are not enough when you embark on this seemingly unending journey. If you ask me, it is impossible to put any space in between yourself and the disease. Yeah my hair is gradually growing back and my energy will eventually come back but, until the day I die, I will always live with the fear that this cancer will recur. Thats the thing about cancer, things are never ruled out forever. But, for now all is well and thats good enough for me.

Once I was able to start working, I thought I had marked the end of my journey with Hodgkins Lymphoma. But, the truth is I am learning day by day that I just embarked on another leg of the trip. This trip I just embarked on is called adjusting to life as someone in partial remission. In many ways, it definitely is not like the life I had before or envisioned because it is very different. I prefer to call it my new normal for many reasons. I am healing but don't feel 100%. Of course, I would like my daily routine to return to the way it was before my illness but that is a tall order. So, I am learning to set new expectations and priorities for myself while redefining my life. I am learning to be kind to myself and focusing on what I can do - just pacing myself. Most of all, I am learning to embrace the future!

First off, cumulative chronic fatigue is the biggest issue that confronts me. Just extreme tiredness and lack of energy. Usually it comes on suddenly not because I have been working hard but because it is this overwhelming spell that engulfs you leaving you speechless and helpless.. By the way, sleep does not relieve it. You still feel tired despite an excellent night's rest. I can only describe this fatigue as paralyzing and debilitating. My oncologist calls it "cancer fatigue"and could go on for a year or longer. Say what??? Like I need to hear some issues to deal with when you think the journey is coming to an end. Fatigue has become my constant reminder of my cancer. Before this whole journey I never comprehended the difference between fatigue and tiredness. I have used them interchangeably in the past. But, now I do know the difference between the two concepts. Everyone gets tired especially after a hard day's work and we know why we are tired. But, for me, this fatigue is not that precise. I feel a daily lack of energy, an unusual or excessive whole body acute tiredness which cannot be relieved by sleep. So, what that means is, this fatigue does have a profound negative impact on my ability to function normally and my quality of life does not always feel in sync.

In spite of the above, I have instituted helpful changes and new choices in my new normal. Apart from being kind to myself, I found eating healthy and regular exercise life changing. I care about what I eat and strive to buy organic food as much as possible.  Oh, how I wish I was back home where everything is organic! Now, I read the ingredients on food ensuring that I dont pollute my body with unnecessary junk, rampant steroids found in the North American chicken that look abnormally huge for anyone's liking. The list includes fruits that seem to never go bad because they are rubbed with pesticide preservatives. Where do I shop you must be wondering. There are several farmer's markets around the city and it does not hurt to make a trip and just do the right thing. On the other hand, I have found regular moderate exercise to decrease the feeling of fatigue. After exercising I feel this burst of energy which I cannot explain. Exercise helps me feel energetic and stay active. It is my way of getting rid of tension in a most positive way.

So, until then you better stay tuned because I am back with a vengeance!

Life After Treatment

Wow! My last blog was in February and it sure feels like ages! Well, I am still here pushing on and keeping on! I can't believe I have not posted for such a long time. People think cancer diagnosis is a crisis, others think treatment itself is a crisis. I am here to let y'all know the end of treatment can be a crisis too! I have been in a crisis mode lately.  My new normal is very different. My values and priorities have changed significantly in terms of this new lease of life or rather a second chance that others did not get. But, with starting a new job, I suddenly realized how much self worth I had lost. I found myself doubting my capacity to take on this challenge given my fragile health.... I did feel doubts creeping in. The truth is I have been doing a lot of reflection for the past month, ummm.. I mean worrying - like most cancer survivors will tell you. Even though I completed treatment, I continue to worry and have these hundred questions in my head. I keep asking myself, Am I cured? Why do some lymph nodes feel enlarged? Is the disease still there? Can it come back again? Oh! boy! the nerves are still here. But, for sure I am doing just fine. Thank you my friends and family for continuing to hold me during those times when my spirit is weak and feeble. I could not do this alone!

Update on my new job. I love my new job because it is a combination of working with wonderful personalities and I love what I do. Am I allowed the bragging rights? Well, I got blessed with this amazing job with full medical and dental benefits where I am treated so well I cannot even begin to describe it enough. My supervisors and my colleagues are nothing but just what the doctor ordered. Not only a unionized environment but the most loving and caring people I have ever come across! I can attend my doctor's appointments without stress and I can work from home when I am not well. Literally, I feel like I am working with my family members. So, how cool is that?

The good news is I just saw my doctor last week and was told that I am in partial remission. Remission does not mean cure, it just means the tumours are largely reduced. Doctors are always wary to say you are cured because Lymphomas are known to recur. So Doctors wait for few years before they are confident that you disease will not return. Only after that can they tell you that you are cured. Just because the cancer is in remission does not mean the fight is over emotionally or physically. I continue to have good days and some bad days. I continue to struggle with aches and pains. I continue to struggle with fatigue but the gym is a great help in that regard. It gives me a burst of energy. I am still not able to produce saliva because of the radiation. So, what that means is I have to keep drinking fluids and have to keep waking up in the middle of the night lest my mouth falls apart. The radiation did a number on my teeth. My fillings fell out and I have seven cavities. You heard right! Who knew that this whole journey would cost me my teeth? Anyway, I have started having my weekly dental appointments and hopefully will finish at the end of this month.

Anyway, I am doing my best these days to stick to the script where I embrace the goodness of life and appreciate that I am alive. I am deeply grateful! The truth is I am not doing so with much conviction. I cannot deny the residue left by cancer on my whole being and moreso my psyche. I love though speaking in the past tense that I had cancer or I am a cancer survivor. It makes me feel really powerful and ignites a light in my heart. The bottom line for me is that I am just appreciating life. I am taking nothing for granted. So, what that means is I now have only good days or great days.

New Day New Beginning

Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start. Nido Qubein

If someone had told me that today would be my first day at work, I would not have believed it. I would have received it as mockery because of the horrible way I have felt for a long time. But, hey, Joy comes in the morning.  The Lord is blessing me with health and has opened a fulfilling opportunity; I have begun living a purpose driven life. Well, it feels so great to tell y'all that today was my first day at my new fabulous job! I had an amazing orientation and am already in madly in love with what lies ahead. I am surrounded by fabulous people just full of kindness and understanding of the journey I am coming from. Lots of accommodation and lots of everything that anyone can dream of reach your potential.  I am so thrilled and am doing the happy dance.

Remember, I had told you that I am working on a new personal project. Well, you can now visit me on my other new website on www.http://nommo.ca  Please visit and enjoy! If anyone is interested in making a contribution there are possibilities to join me in this collaboration as a guest and we can use the power of words to change the world!

Be well and stay tuned.....

Epilogue - My Final Chapter

I hold close to my heart the vivid memories of when this journey began. Apart from the tears and sadness, there were many life lessons learned. I recall searching the web for answers -  big mistake if you ask me! I used to read a lot of cancer blogs on the internet and I got scared but at the same time I was inspired by other incredible people who had travelled the same journey or are still on the ride like me. What caught my attention was that most blogs just ended suddenly and I was left wondering what happened to those people. However, after I began to slack on my postings myself, I realized that once you start feeling better you lose that passion because of the excitement of getting back into the swing of things. I am going to keep this blog up because even though I dont have too much to report on, I will keep updating about how I am doing as I move to new projects. I have started working on a social work dot com that is going to be a real kicker. Follow me on my musings as a regular person making a lasting commitment to making a real difference in our world. You will not want to miss it for anything. Just stay tuned.....

Anyway, recently I was having an epic conversation with Tinashe and she was telling me how excited she was that I am feeling so much better now and I am able to run that treadmill, break a sweat and pump some iron at the gym. Then, she asked me if cancer had changed my life or what I would change going forward?  Wow! I thought for a while - honestly, I remain ambivalent about my prognosis and cannot help but wonder what tomorrow brings. I have hated every day of this cancer nightmare, but I am appreciative of y'all for being there for me every step of the way. I have had more help than other people in my situation and I am grateful. Gratitude is what I have in my heart and in my spirit. Sorry, I digressed…. I pondered how has it changed me? I guess, I am more cognizant than ever that life is short and that it is important to grab hold of life everyday - appreciate it and give thanks that you have yet another day to breathe, laugh, love and enjoy just being... Knowing that life has an expiration date made me stop putting off doing the things that I love. You are wondering what things are those? I mean giving myself permission just to be silly. To do the things I used to enjoy when I was young like travelling, cycling, jogging and all the silly things that used to make me laugh. I will jump on the couch because it is there. I will bounce on the bed because I can. I will find new things to do. Make new friends, learn a new sport, ride a bike with my children who are avid cyclists already. I will give more hugs and say thanks for just being alive.

How has it changed me? Its interesting that, I have read about how after cancer, other people descend into depression or quit their jobs to reduce stress, some people turn vegetarian and give up alcohol. Others find God while for some relationships collapse. Thank God, my partner of six years never wavered. He held my hand, wiped my tears and stood by me selflessly. He is such a trooper and I love him to death. As for me? I am not going to sit here and start sounding all sentimental, mushy or philosophical. I just feel so blessed and am not shy to say that I am an overcomer. I never stopped dreaming big! Anyhow, once I got to learn and understand that Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is a result of very, very bad luck and is likely not related in anyway to lifestyle choices I decided, I am changing nothing because I love my life. Maybe, I will do more with each day and strive to get more out of each moment and to see the positive in most situations. I would like to eat more organic fresh vegetables and fruits, particularly from the farmer’s markets. I would like to be more physically active. And most important, take more vacations and just enjoy life. I will continue to follow my passion of being a social worker. Honestly, my life is more meaningful aligned to this abiding passion. I love being a social worker because for me, it is not a job but a vocation or calling. What’s more, it provides the tremendous satisfaction of helping others, which is, more than enough reward.

On a side note, I just accepted an amazing social work leadership job opportunity, amazing salary package, amazing team/colleagues and great working hours with an amazing health centre/clinic. Such is Amazing Grace! I am highly favoured and walking in the victory of God's sanctifying grace! It is faith and assured belief that made me sure of things I hoped for. I cannot believe that I am going back to work after one year hiatus. Phew!!! feels like it was two years. The idea of returning to work is giving me euphoria and I am loving it! Now, I do feel like I have control of my life once again. I just feel victorious and motivated to do an equally amazing job in this incredible role. I am so thrilled and cannot believe I am at this victorious place called HAPPY! Its funny how illness makes you feel hollow and empty inside. To be honest, during this experience, I did feel my confidence slowly slipping away. I experienced those weird moments of self doubt and defeat. But now, the sky is looking blue and I can see the rainbow shining brightly in the horizon! Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. I am happy because I am living and taking in every moment, embracing life and its complexities!

Admittedly, there are problems and sadness in life but our universe is full of abundance and boundless opportunities, if only we could see them. Trust me, the possibilities are without number! I am sure some of you are wondering What? How? When did that happen? Well, it all happened because like they say, when one door of happiness closes, many more open, but often we look so long at the closed door that we fail to see the one which has opened for us. My golden door opened last week and I boldly walked into the fountain of life. I refuse to be defined by cancer because I am more than cancer. I consider myself a winner and victorious given the circumstances. I am now unswervingly focused on my goal to be the change I want to see in the world as I pursue this amazing calling.

Remember, this is not a goodbye but just an epilogue – a final chapter to my journey we victoriously travelled together. I will continue to post about how my health is going. And stay tuned for the dot com which will have even more sizzling narratives of an ambivalent social worker aka survivor.

Be well, Be happy, Be kind and try to do one nice thing a day. You never know whose life you may touch today, tomorrow or ever.

As always, Stay tuned........

The End is Near of this Cancer Journey!

It been a while since I updated my blog. Many things have been happening since and all good I must say. After being sick in my last post, my oncologist nipped it in the bud. After taking antibiotics the balance returned. I have been feeling well and excited about the end of this journey.

First off, I must say that the end is near for me to beat this damn cancer. Great news! my CT scans came back with the tumours largely reduced and I require another extensive scan scheduled for March. Just hearing that piece of news is euphoric. Can you believe after treatment you have to get regular report cards. Its like school all over again. Once all is said and done you just want to know where you stand in terms of the magic words. I cannot wait for the doctor to utter those special words, "You are in remission!" Remission means that the lymphoma has been eliminated or reduced. When the tumour is completely gone, doctors call it "complete remission". When the tumour has been largely reduced but it still remains, it is called, a "partial remission". What is interesting about lymphoma is that even if your disease stands eliminated after treatment is over, it is still not called a cure. Why? I also asked. It is because lymphomas have a chance of recurring and often doctors will wait for a few years before being confident that the disease will not return. Only then can the doctor tell you that you are cured. I am scheduled for another appointment in March which is a few weeks from now. In any case, I am so thrilled that despite the speed bumps, I have been experiencing along the way, life is good! I am taking the life canvas and rewriting my own script particularly, how I feel it should look like. I am thinking, indeed, I am the great champion of my own life. Therefore, as my favourite philosopher Friedrich Nietzche states,"He who has a "why" to live can bear with almost any "how". I am at that special place where I am just trying to find the hows and moving on. Yeah, I am keeping it moving...

With the tumours largely reduced, surviving cancer and making it through the chemo and radiation are my major accomplishments so far. Now that I will be joining the special group of champions called survivors, I am finding new priorities in life, i.e. exercising to get my groove back and yes job hunting!  I am ready to put all that graduate theory into practice. I have been frequenting the gym religiously and boy! its the best thing I have done for myself so far! I feel my groove is coming back, I do feel production of those endorphins being triggered and everything is coming together. I have less fatigue and more mentally alert than I have ever been. Its funny today I went to the gym very early in the morning and two very interesting people were running beside me on the treadmill. One special lady with a bald head whom I later learnt she completed breast cancer treatment in August but is still struggling with fatigue and all the other bull shit. I thought, wow! I am not alone! How fate keeps placing me in the right place at the right time. We instantly became friends and its funny how we have so much in common and so much to reminisce and laugh about. The other was a 68 year old man who was proud to share his age and how the gym has saved his life. Well, I am just so glad that this journey is coming to an end and all in all has been quite educational and life changing in many ways.

I am just glad to be here at this point and wishing I could drink a glass of champagne to celebrate the progress and ultimate good news.

Thank you for always listening to my rants!