Special Dedication to Tinashe my Princess, my Rock and Panache

Tinashe, thank you for being my confidante, soul-mate and friend. You have walked every single part of this journey with me. You have cried every tear with me and yet I have never heard you say, "I am tired" or "I cannot do this anymore". For that, I am so grateful and words alone cannot suffice. Its only God who will bless you and I pray that he continues to uphold you and breathe in you enough strength to keep going. I love you my panache and I appreciate you so much. Some are wondering what is 'panache' its a French word used to describe dashing confidence of style, awesome, courage or swagger. You have held my hand when I lost all the courage and strength and you have whispered words of encouragement and wisdom that I never imagined I would be hearing from my own child. Every time you speak to me I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have squeezed your slender but strong hands throughout all the biopsies and you never slowed down. Even when I tried to hide the gravity of the news because you were not feeling well, you forgot about yourself and you were there wiping my tears and hugging me. What about the sleepless nights at the emergency? You are so amazing that is why I call you TinaFabulous!

Its because you are fabulous and many other lovely things. You are so selfless and you love unconditionally. However, I hope throughout this journey you will take time for yourself without feeling guilty or obligated because I don't want you to feel depleted and overwhelmed. I will understand completely because it is not healthy for you to just keep going because in the end, you will not have anything to give me in that condition. I say these words with much love and understanding because this journey is going to be long and exhausting. You have spoken on my behalf when we are at the doctors because I am at a loss for words because of the enormity of this situation, the amount of forms you have completed on my behalf, Gosh! is all I can say. You have wiped my tears many a times. I can go on and on. The list is so long that I am unable to finish it in one breath. But, in all this, you have remained the strong pillar of support that any mother can wish for. Thank you for just being the young gracious lady that you are. Thank you for the cozy chats even in the middle of the night at the emergency let alone all the chaos and confusion surrounding me. Thank you for the shared laughter and tears, kindness, acceptance and most of all the emotional support. Thank you for all the countless little things you do. You might think those little things go unnoticed, but trust me, I see and appreciate every single little thing. Your name holds a special meaning in my heart because my mother named you Tinashe. Tinashe means "God is with us". My mother knew then, that you were special and God sent for a purpose. I thank God for you and I love you and adore you with every bone in my body. Thank you for giving me the swagger.com. I love it because I might have cancer but I do have swagger! and yeah you're right lets kick butt!

This girl is special. When I say she is my princess, some may say I am too much. But, the truth is, she is a princess. She handles everything with such grace and dignity fit for royalty. She is strong and is so much in control and mature for her age. I don't know what I would do without her. For sure I would be lost and by now lost my sanity. She is my rock and my anchor. She makes me laugh and at times she cries with me then we burst out laughing after we finish crying. That is how we roll. She calls us "Team Victory" and I love the sound of that. Anyway, here is a letter she wrote me that brought me to tears. This video is part of the letter and our good memories of things we do together every Christmas "Karaoke". I love this song and we sing it and rock it like the Crazies. I sometimes forget the lyrics and make up my own and we just crack up laughing when I am found guilty of recreating this Abba song. Thank you Tinashe for just reminding me the abundant love, laughter and joy we all have for each other. Chiquitita tell me whats wrong. You're enchained in your own sorrow.. How I hate to see you like this....ta ra ra ra .... I am a shoulder you can cry on... Your best friend and the one you must rely on.... Thanks Tinashe, now I am singing along......

Dear Mom,

It’s been a long journey you’ve walked through to get my brothers and I right here. You worked so hard and gave up so much to build a bright future for us. Thank you so much for this love.
We may not always agree but the love that we have for each other is so evident. We have so many laughs together whether it’s hearing your stories – which always make me laugh OR you know how you say “and then what did she say?” and Tap rolls his eyes? {priceless} OR like how every Christmas we annoy Tap with our “chiquitta” LOL! I could obviously go on and on but this is just meant to be just a note not a novel. You have 3 exceptionally pinache and grown ass kids who all love you more than anything – we do.

I know it’s really hard for you right now because having cancer sucks but you know what else I know? I know that you have enough courage and strength to go through it with swagger.com.
You have gotten past crazy things in your journey and this is just going to be a hiccup that we’ll be speaking about in past tense very very soon at Simon Sushi. You’re a fighter, a tough cookie – now let’s kick butt!

I love you and I’m here.

Tinashe

PS: Tiramisu tomorrow for sure!

YAY!!! Its happening.....I am Celebrating Today

Today I am celebrating because I have good reason to. I was off the blogosphere yesterday because I was tired of telling y' all about this persistent pain in my chest. It gets boring I am sure for everyone. We spent the whole night awake struggling with the pain. But, as the scripture says, weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning because his favour is for life (Psalms 30:5). During this ordeal, Tinashe was telling me in a her gentle voice that everything was going to be fine like she is giving a prophecy. She cracks a joke and makes me forget that I was sad for a while as we start laughing and tearing up from laughing. She is so good and knows exactly how to keep my spirits up. She starts telling me that her friend whom I know who has brain cancer waited for one month before getting the staging appointment. Listening to this I felt a bit of comfort knowing that it will happen soon and that I am not alone.

Yesterday, I went to see my family doctor in the morning whom I adore so much. I just needed to talk to her about this persistent chest pain which I do not want to talk about any more which seems to be persisting despite all the medications I was getting.  I also needed to speak to her and just cry because I was feeling frustrated by the pain and the fact that I had to wait not knowing when I would start treatment. In my head to tell you the truth, I was feeling like this cancer has spread all over my body thats why I was feeling so sick and just weak. Yeah, yesterday was my low day and I was crying. Like Shelley Ramathe my friend said to me, "Remember it's okay to cry, grieve, reach out to others, feel, reflect and hope during this journey". I appreciated this advice and I keep it in my back pocket. Shelley thank you for your profound words. So I heed my friend's advice and did all that. Who runs out of breathe when they are doing simple tasks honestly? I am a busy body and I just feel so frustrated when I feel disabled to do just simple tasks. So it was appropriate that I had an appointment with my family doctor who is one of the most ideal person I feel comfortable and safe to openly express myself and work through my deepest and most vulnerable feelings without fear of being judged or being given unsolicited advice. Anyway, the doctor made me feel so great. She always has a way of putting a smile on my face and makes me feel strong and remain hopeful. First, she gave me this liquid medication which made my chest feel much better. Then she gave me some literature on lymphoma which was very useful. But, here is the most fun part, she advised me that she was going to advocate on my behalf to see if the treatment appointments could be speeded up. This was music to my ears. Anything that makes me stay positive sends me right to the moon. So, I went home whistling despite that ache in my chest. I had something to look forward to, that hope - yeah, that feeling of expecting good things to come.

There is the best part of today..... I just received a phone call this afternoon that I have an appointment scheduled for Monday next week to begin the Staging process. Yes, you guessed right, I did the happy dance. I was so thrilled I cannot begin to explain the joy that I am feeling right now. While everyone is celebrating the Toronto Film Festival (TIFF) I am celebrating that I have an appointment with an Oncologist on Monday which means I will begin treatment sooner than I even anticipated. Thanks to my family doctor she waved her magic wand. And poof! the magic happened... ooh its a miracle.  Miracles never cease to happen and I know God is still in control. Well, for now let me just continue celebrating.  I will continue celebrating because I am excited that my very good friend Dr Leo  is coming to visit me and he is one funny guy and I know he will bring with him a funny bone which I desire so much. I miss him and tomorrow is just gonna be great, I just know it. Peace out!

Sometimes its not about Winning its about Healing...

Obviously, I have not blogged since yesterday. I spent most of the day sleeping. The reason being that, I have not been feeling too great. But, I promise that I will be back soon with a vengeance because today I woke up thinking that its not about winning this battle its about healing for me. That way, I can choose how I want to feel each day. So far, nothing major to report, just the extreme chest pains and fatigue that seem to persist. Now, I am trying to read," Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for Dummies" with the hope of getting some tips on how to manage. Now I understand the difference between feeling tired and fatigue. They are completely two different things. This fatigue is paralyzing and impacting my daily functioning. No, don't worry, I am fatigued but I can still care for myself and when I feel up to it I still engage in my favourite past-time  - cooking. Anyway, today, I went into the hospital this morning just to do a mere CT scan which I thought would take at least an hour but turned into a nightmare. Guess what, I spent the whole day at the hospital from 8am to 6pm. So, I got home feeling beat, I slept from 7pm now its almost 12 midnight. After the hospital visit, my partner suggested we go out and eat but I did not have the energy. He tried to entice me because he knows my love for lobster and crab legs particularly the ones at this nice restaurant called "The Red Lobster" but it did not work. I was feeling so exhausted, Can you believe I was told not to eat anything before the CT scan? Yeah, I was feeling hungry or is it famished? And realized that missing food for the whole day doesn't kill - In fact, eating three meals a day is a luxury if you ask me. I ended up being moved from one room to the next and being hooked up to this pick line and more blood work, drinking this awful stuff to allow for a CT Scan where you are then injected this horrible dye into your body. Yes, you feel your whole body burning and the stuff comes into your mouth like toxic fumes. With your hands above your head you are glided into this machine that looks like a doughnut. Then someone, speaks to you giving instructions from another room on a microphone. The dye is injected into the vein while the other is swallowed in liquid form. After asking why, I was advised this helps the organs or tissue to show up more clearly. No, its not that bad just uncomfortable.

After the whole process, I went on a diarrhea spree... very embarrassing - I guess its the dye. Whatever man! I hate cancer if you ask me...Its like it invades your body does whatever it wants with you. Its alright I will keep looking at the silver lining under this dark cloud.  I spent the whole day in the hospital today not a a pleasant experience at all. But, as always, the nurses and doctors ever so pleasant and make you feel better just the way they handle you. Today, I also got the news  that I am still on the waiting list to see the oncologist in order to begin the "Staging Process".  This disease has taught me to be patient. I know some of you are wondering why is it taking so long?  Yeah, I am not the only one with cancer people.... a wait list means there are more of us out there. Please don't ask that question because you will only make me feel more agitated and anxious. Just continue to be patient with me. For those who don't know, Staging is the most important part of understanding the growth patterns and aggressiveness of the cancer cells. Stages of  Hodgkin's lymphoma range from Stage I through to Stage IV and categorized based on where the cancer is found (see the earlier posting with diagram showing lymphatic system) or spread including symptoms presented by patient. Staging determines if the cancer cells have spread to other parts of the body. Staging is also used to help the doctor plan the treatment based on whether the lymphoma is low grade or moderate growth or high grade. Those terms are self explanatory. It sounds like going to the butcher or super market to buy meat based on the grade. Remember back home we used to buy meat based on grade??? First being the best and so on... Ha ha ha that is really something. Truth be told,  I feel so exhausted and so burnt out. But, will be back soon.  Just need some shut eye for now.  I just need to get my energy back and yeah I need that funny bone while I wait.....

By the way, for all those trying to call me on the phone, I appreciate the sentiments. But, for now I don't have the energy or courage to speak on the phone it takes every little thing that I have. In fact, it has become one of the most challenging and exhausting tasks that I have removed from my to-do-list.  I love y'all and hope you understand I need time before I am able to converse on the phone. You know how hard it is when everyone is asking the same question, "How are you doing? or Oh, I am sorry"  Of course, I am not doing well. I am trying my best to put the best foot forward and all your good thoughts and messages are lifting me up. I appreciate.  However, the pity words just make me break down and go back to square one. Pity turns me into putty and I cannot be putty right now. I am trying to turn this difficulty into an opportunity for greater things to come; stepping stones to greater experience. Yes, I may appear strong but the truth is, I am still crying despite that I am holding on to the wings of hope. Its just that, I realize that life without hope is meaningless. So I an concentrating on what is good in every encounter in this journey so that my life can be filled with gratitude. It is for these reasons that I decided to communicate with y'all through this blog. Again, thank y'all for all the messages they are my anchor and wind beneath my wings. Keep them flowing..   For now, stay tuned  I promised, I will keep y'all updated.  I appreciate each and every one of you with every bone in my body you are are keeping me strong because at times, our own light goes out and is rekindled by sparks from others which you are all doing. Thanks y'all and stay tuned.....

Withstanding the Hurricane through Solidarity

I remember that it was in July when I met with my Professor Jen and as usual I was crying on her shoulder that she is so generous with. As I wiped away the tears she asked me, Do you have a support team because you need one? What??? I was wondering a team for what? I just stared at her because it didn't make any sense for me. But, now I get it and I realize the importance of having a team of support who I can call on when I am feeling sad or overwhelmed or even to go for the numerous doctor's appointments. Well, today I have been thinking and I came to the conclusion that I definitely need to carefully pick a team of support readily and physically available for me that I will do the honour and call, "My Companions of Hope". I realize Tinashe cannot do this alone and take me to all the appointments alone .. share all this enormous burden.... its just too much for her. Of course, I will continue to appreciate all the love and sentiments from both local and afar, its just that I do need a team physically available. So, I am going to reach out to a couple of close friends who are willing to play an active and integral part in my journey. Stay tuned......right now, I need to go and lie down am not feeling too great today. Its that nagging pain in my chest. It just makes it hard to breathe or sit. Feels like so much pressure in my chest and feels like its being twisted. Just want to lay down. Will continue this conversation later.

Zzzzzzzzz.....Resting

Came back home in the morning after an amazing stint at the hospital. Yeah, I just said amazing because I have learnt that every time I visit the hospital and I am treated well its a treat for me since my frequency at this place has become so often and feels like my second home. I have come to appreciate doctors and nurses more than ever before... I am scheduled for a CT scan on Tuesday next week. Feeling exhausted but feeling much better though which is a good thing. Just taking time to rest and rejuvinate. Bonnet Nuit!

I Spoke too soon - Blogging from the Hospital Bed

I guess I spoke too soon about feeling better today.  The chest pain persisted and it was so bad I thought I was having a heart attack. Not that I have any experience of how that feels like. It was just this pressure and excruciating pain on my chest was interfering with my breathing that I came to that conclusion. Anyway, Tinashe called a taxi at 7pm and we rushed to the emergency. On arrival - was not kept waiting. Was rushed to a room and hooked up to an ECG machine to monitor my breathing which was abnormal. Had bloodwork done and I was given morphine for pain and that was good. Did I say good? Yeah gives you a high if you know what I mean. Takes you to another place were you feel like you are floating. Had an ultra sound done and now the doctor wants to do a chest xray to  ascertain what is going on. Its now 12 midnight just finished doing some more blood tests before going for the xray. And Tinashe just gave me a lollilop to cheer me up. And she is telling me how she wants to install this huge overhead light used by doctors to examine patients in her apartment for brightening up the whole place. Mind you this is like a floodlight! This girl is crazy. But, what would I do without this little angel? The doctors and nurses are so kind and just amazing. Stay tuned gotta go for the xray now... Before I go, I just want to say I definitely need an Ipad because it has been so hard to do this from my blackberry. Dear Mr. Steve Jobs, Can you please save me from my misery by donating an Apple Ipad 2. Thank you much. I am thinking does that qualify to go on the Bucket List? I guess so. This means I must start creating a bucket list for myself - sounds inspiring - LOL. I like the idea sounds like a good distraction. Anything to take my mind away helps. Looks like they are keeping me here overnight at the hospital. I am never able to sleep in the hospital it just creeps me out. The noise I know its expected but unbearable.  Someone take me out of here! Now the time is 2:30am and the morphine is working the pain has subsided. Let me try to get some shut eye.

A Time and a Season for Everything: Another special dedication to Rumbidzai

When I thought the day was almost over and I wait for tomorrow's aches, joys and surprises, I receive this special message from my beautiful niece who resembles me, Rumbidzai Chopamba the Acturial Scientist (I just needed to say that with much pride) my brother Chanda's daughter in England. Rumbi, thank you for this message and thank you for giving me so much strength and understanding that God is rebuilding his house, getting the drains right and stopping the roof from leaking. That is so profound! You see, I thought I was being made into a little cottage but like you said, I am being made into a palace. Yeah, now I am feeling all glamorous! Thank you Rumbi, for touching the core of my spirit. I love you and I appreciate you!

You know it’s really hard to start a letter like this one. At first I thought I should cheer you up and I thought of the million ways I could do that. I had the words I was going to say then I started writing , and needless to say.....Tete I am sorry that you have to go through this. I wish you did not have to , but then I am also glad you are. You see, I know that God never puts us through situations where the losses or pain experienced outweigh the gains. If the loss and the pain you are going through could somehow be avoided then , believe me He would have. My favourite bible author is Solomon. He has a poem where he talks about a time and a season for everything. And so like everything Tete, this disease will have its time and its season. And the wonderful thing about seasons is that they too must pass, albeit that some go on for longer than others, they do pass and they give way to new ones. LOL mashona tinoti “Chisingaperi chinoshura”. I guess in the lemons scenario I am more of a “ When life gives you lemons just eat your lemons ; you need them. And when your need for lemons expires you’ll receive something else.” Tete, I cannot say what will come or happen tomorrow but I know that God holds you in his arms. There is  pain or sorrow that  you feel sometimes, you know, there is the pain you can share and then there is that pain that sometimes that takes you to low places, in those times remember God understands, even more than you and I ever can. Sounds cliche , but boy is it true! what is trust or faith if not hoping against all hope and believing in the throes of diversity ? You know from when I was a young child, I have always been afraid of the dark. I laugh at myself still today, but its something that I have often failed to shake off. When I was a child I was afraid of the monsters and ghosts, which at the time, I believed, camped out in my cupboard during the day and would only came out at night to haunt me and steal me from my little bed. Now that I am older, my fears have also grown with me. Now I fear the fact that I cannot see the things around me. You see, I am not afraid anymore of monsters but I am afraid that I cannot see them. Darkness makes whatever power I have seem small and useless. It belittles me and fills my mind with all the horrid things that could be lurking around me, not monsters anymore but other things, thieves, death and such. Spiritual darkness I find is very similar whether this darkness is brought on by guilt, pain, shame or loss. It renders whatever confidence and hope one had during the day quite insignificant. Because we cannot see in darkness , the enemy takes this opportunity to magnify our worst fears and works on our minds to ensure that we are in constant worry and upset. Because we cannot see , we cannot challenge him, and just when you think you can make a stand something always comes and knocks you back down again. So, what do you do when you cannot see? You hold on to one who does. The one who says to you, whatever you did I can forgive, whatever your loss I can fill and whatever your pain I am able to heal. The one to whom darkness and light are the same so that nothing is hid from His eyes. And, if He can see all things then He alone truly knows how big those monsters lurking on your closet are and either way , He will always be much bigger than they can ever be. When your own sight fails Tete, hold on to the arm of God that is always stretched out for you. There is nothing you could ever explain that would shock Him or cause Him to become confused. He knows it already but He would just love it for you to tell Him yourself. And, when you have done so, trust that He is able to handle whatever it is you have left for Him to do. For if we are ever to approach God in the first place, then we must know full well that He is God and I know you do.

Have patience to wait upon Him and upon His promises. Wait. Just, wait. Stop worrying, stop crying, stop pestering and stop hovering. Just. Wait. In His own time, in His own way. Remember if you could handle it you would’ve but you gave it to Him (and don’t you hate it when someone keeps checking up on you when they’ve asked you to do something ?..............especially when you know exactly what you are doing?! God loves you as do I. So whatever darkness you are in now. Just hold on to His hand and remember that the forces and the powers that are on your side are greater than any power that rises against you. The Lord is with you, to hold you and to comfort you. God is here , to grant peace for your soul. The Spirit is here to keep you peaceful during the quiet fretful moments of your day.
Above all remember this, No matter what , no matter how chaotic things may be going, if God is never surprised then to Him its always going according to plan. He is in control. In other news Congratulations !!! ( In advance ) for the PHD . I must say I have had enough of books right now and I am not even close ! Quite far actually,...... sigh... finally A quote from my favourite author CS Lewis ( Mere Christianity).

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself. CS Lewis.