Withstanding the Hurricane through Solidarity

I remember that it was in July when I met with my Professor Jen and as usual I was crying on her shoulder that she is so generous with. As I wiped away the tears she asked me, Do you have a support team because you need one? What??? I was wondering a team for what? I just stared at her because it didn't make any sense for me. But, now I get it and I realize the importance of having a team of support who I can call on when I am feeling sad or overwhelmed or even to go for the numerous doctor's appointments. Well, today I have been thinking and I came to the conclusion that I definitely need to carefully pick a team of support readily and physically available for me that I will do the honour and call, "My Companions of Hope". I realize Tinashe cannot do this alone and take me to all the appointments alone .. share all this enormous burden.... its just too much for her. Of course, I will continue to appreciate all the love and sentiments from both local and afar, its just that I do need a team physically available. So, I am going to reach out to a couple of close friends who are willing to play an active and integral part in my journey. Stay tuned......right now, I need to go and lie down am not feeling too great today. Its that nagging pain in my chest. It just makes it hard to breathe or sit. Feels like so much pressure in my chest and feels like its being twisted. Just want to lay down. Will continue this conversation later.

Zzzzzzzzz.....Resting

Came back home in the morning after an amazing stint at the hospital. Yeah, I just said amazing because I have learnt that every time I visit the hospital and I am treated well its a treat for me since my frequency at this place has become so often and feels like my second home. I have come to appreciate doctors and nurses more than ever before... I am scheduled for a CT scan on Tuesday next week. Feeling exhausted but feeling much better though which is a good thing. Just taking time to rest and rejuvinate. Bonnet Nuit!

I Spoke too soon - Blogging from the Hospital Bed

I guess I spoke too soon about feeling better today.  The chest pain persisted and it was so bad I thought I was having a heart attack. Not that I have any experience of how that feels like. It was just this pressure and excruciating pain on my chest was interfering with my breathing that I came to that conclusion. Anyway, Tinashe called a taxi at 7pm and we rushed to the emergency. On arrival - was not kept waiting. Was rushed to a room and hooked up to an ECG machine to monitor my breathing which was abnormal. Had bloodwork done and I was given morphine for pain and that was good. Did I say good? Yeah gives you a high if you know what I mean. Takes you to another place were you feel like you are floating. Had an ultra sound done and now the doctor wants to do a chest xray to  ascertain what is going on. Its now 12 midnight just finished doing some more blood tests before going for the xray. And Tinashe just gave me a lollilop to cheer me up. And she is telling me how she wants to install this huge overhead light used by doctors to examine patients in her apartment for brightening up the whole place. Mind you this is like a floodlight! This girl is crazy. But, what would I do without this little angel? The doctors and nurses are so kind and just amazing. Stay tuned gotta go for the xray now... Before I go, I just want to say I definitely need an Ipad because it has been so hard to do this from my blackberry. Dear Mr. Steve Jobs, Can you please save me from my misery by donating an Apple Ipad 2. Thank you much. I am thinking does that qualify to go on the Bucket List? I guess so. This means I must start creating a bucket list for myself - sounds inspiring - LOL. I like the idea sounds like a good distraction. Anything to take my mind away helps. Looks like they are keeping me here overnight at the hospital. I am never able to sleep in the hospital it just creeps me out. The noise I know its expected but unbearable.  Someone take me out of here! Now the time is 2:30am and the morphine is working the pain has subsided. Let me try to get some shut eye.

A Time and a Season for Everything: Another special dedication to Rumbidzai

When I thought the day was almost over and I wait for tomorrow's aches, joys and surprises, I receive this special message from my beautiful niece who resembles me, Rumbidzai Chopamba the Acturial Scientist (I just needed to say that with much pride) my brother Chanda's daughter in England. Rumbi, thank you for this message and thank you for giving me so much strength and understanding that God is rebuilding his house, getting the drains right and stopping the roof from leaking. That is so profound! You see, I thought I was being made into a little cottage but like you said, I am being made into a palace. Yeah, now I am feeling all glamorous! Thank you Rumbi, for touching the core of my spirit. I love you and I appreciate you!

You know it’s really hard to start a letter like this one. At first I thought I should cheer you up and I thought of the million ways I could do that. I had the words I was going to say then I started writing , and needless to say.....Tete I am sorry that you have to go through this. I wish you did not have to , but then I am also glad you are. You see, I know that God never puts us through situations where the losses or pain experienced outweigh the gains. If the loss and the pain you are going through could somehow be avoided then , believe me He would have. My favourite bible author is Solomon. He has a poem where he talks about a time and a season for everything. And so like everything Tete, this disease will have its time and its season. And the wonderful thing about seasons is that they too must pass, albeit that some go on for longer than others, they do pass and they give way to new ones. LOL mashona tinoti “Chisingaperi chinoshura”. I guess in the lemons scenario I am more of a “ When life gives you lemons just eat your lemons ; you need them. And when your need for lemons expires you’ll receive something else.” Tete, I cannot say what will come or happen tomorrow but I know that God holds you in his arms. There is  pain or sorrow that  you feel sometimes, you know, there is the pain you can share and then there is that pain that sometimes that takes you to low places, in those times remember God understands, even more than you and I ever can. Sounds cliche , but boy is it true! what is trust or faith if not hoping against all hope and believing in the throes of diversity ? You know from when I was a young child, I have always been afraid of the dark. I laugh at myself still today, but its something that I have often failed to shake off. When I was a child I was afraid of the monsters and ghosts, which at the time, I believed, camped out in my cupboard during the day and would only came out at night to haunt me and steal me from my little bed. Now that I am older, my fears have also grown with me. Now I fear the fact that I cannot see the things around me. You see, I am not afraid anymore of monsters but I am afraid that I cannot see them. Darkness makes whatever power I have seem small and useless. It belittles me and fills my mind with all the horrid things that could be lurking around me, not monsters anymore but other things, thieves, death and such. Spiritual darkness I find is very similar whether this darkness is brought on by guilt, pain, shame or loss. It renders whatever confidence and hope one had during the day quite insignificant. Because we cannot see in darkness , the enemy takes this opportunity to magnify our worst fears and works on our minds to ensure that we are in constant worry and upset. Because we cannot see , we cannot challenge him, and just when you think you can make a stand something always comes and knocks you back down again. So, what do you do when you cannot see? You hold on to one who does. The one who says to you, whatever you did I can forgive, whatever your loss I can fill and whatever your pain I am able to heal. The one to whom darkness and light are the same so that nothing is hid from His eyes. And, if He can see all things then He alone truly knows how big those monsters lurking on your closet are and either way , He will always be much bigger than they can ever be. When your own sight fails Tete, hold on to the arm of God that is always stretched out for you. There is nothing you could ever explain that would shock Him or cause Him to become confused. He knows it already but He would just love it for you to tell Him yourself. And, when you have done so, trust that He is able to handle whatever it is you have left for Him to do. For if we are ever to approach God in the first place, then we must know full well that He is God and I know you do.

Have patience to wait upon Him and upon His promises. Wait. Just, wait. Stop worrying, stop crying, stop pestering and stop hovering. Just. Wait. In His own time, in His own way. Remember if you could handle it you would’ve but you gave it to Him (and don’t you hate it when someone keeps checking up on you when they’ve asked you to do something ?..............especially when you know exactly what you are doing?! God loves you as do I. So whatever darkness you are in now. Just hold on to His hand and remember that the forces and the powers that are on your side are greater than any power that rises against you. The Lord is with you, to hold you and to comfort you. God is here , to grant peace for your soul. The Spirit is here to keep you peaceful during the quiet fretful moments of your day.
Above all remember this, No matter what , no matter how chaotic things may be going, if God is never surprised then to Him its always going according to plan. He is in control. In other news Congratulations !!! ( In advance ) for the PHD . I must say I have had enough of books right now and I am not even close ! Quite far actually,...... sigh... finally A quote from my favourite author CS Lewis ( Mere Christianity).

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself. CS Lewis.

It Takes a Village...Another Dedication to Ramson... I so love my family.

I wish I could re-post all your messages but I cannot! I appreciate all your heartfelt words of encouragement. I want y'all to know I am riding on each and every one of your messages and staying strong. I feel the love y'all!!!! It is true that it does take a whole village to deal with any challenge! While this appears like an insurmountable mountain there sure is a valley at the bottom of the mountain.

Psalm 23:4 Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me, thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.

I am just dedicating today to appreciating beautiful messages from around the world that leave you tongue tied and uplifted. Here is another one from Ramson my nephew in England, Connie's son. I love you Rammie and thank you for turning me into a legend. I feel like one now thanks to you.... I am legend not cancer.....

You are a soldier and I'm not just saying this, but I have seen you in the thick of battles some of us wouldn't even dare to involve ourselves in. This is another battle and I know it's going to be another resounding victory. I'm SO proud of you. You're brave, courageous and in my eyes a living legend. Not many people share when faced with health challenges. I know you'll beat this nasty illness and in spirit I'm with you all the way. Will keep following your blog.. Love always...Rammie

Dedicating a Very Intimate and Special Moment with Christina

Today I woke up feeling better than yesterday. That nagging chest pain seems to have dissipated for now. Like I always do, check the positives vibes to start my day. Then I get this very special and intimate message from my 'muzukuru" (my grandchild), Hermana's beautiful girl KiKiNa from England! She is only 18 go figure!  You are so full of depth and are very wise KiKi for your age and I do feel the love, thank you, thank you and thank you!. I cried tears of joy as I read this message and I printed it out and pasted it on my bedside so that every time I go to my room I can just read it and feel lifted. These insightful words touched me in the most profound way. Truly, I found myself in the center of something so special and so beautiful.  Thank you Christina for this gift of love and message which I am dedicating to my blog today.  I am lost for words and prefer to dedicate with much love my appreciation for the most beautiful words that keep bringing tears of joy to my eyes. I love you and thank you!  Here is my treasure of gold of a repost message from this young beautiful and insightful girl. My lovely muzukuru, I love you KiKi and I appreciate you with every bone in my body:


Hey Gogo i'am your musukuru christine.i would like to let you know reading your posts, words cannot express just how i feel.pure tears to my eyes, truly.... Form this moment and onwards we are going to move forward together as a grand daughter and grandmother.Gogo we might not have sheared a close relationship but believe me from this point am going to shear your lemons that life throws at you with you. In most tradition the grandmother is of a high status and looks over her children and grandchildren. but let us swap roles gogo. i'am going to look after you everyday till the day that you get better.i might not be there for you psychically in person but know that even though am 10 thousand miles away my heart and soul is within you wrapped around in the wisdom the lays within you. There are many things i would love to say but they are just too typical and i know lots of people have probably sed them to you more then once, i bet it must sound like a tape recorder repeating itself over and over again. But gogo because am different from the rest,i say the unexpected. i don't hope that you get better. i know that you will get better. i dont doubt myself because i have FAITH in GOD. i want you to cry me a river gogo. The only way us humans can move on and regain strength when we are at our weakest points is if we let all of our emotions out but dont let the grief take over you completely gogo. Me and God are here to help you get better. You can fight these demons you have already started. gogo you are going to go through hell and back and at some moments you feel like giving up. i want you to say this little unique prayer i have written for you. At the peak points of the moment you feel like giving up. dear god. i know your are standing right besides me with your angles in this time of agony.god i thank you for all that you have done for me in my life and i cherish all that you have given me. my god you are good and great please take away this pain and weakness within me. and give me strength again.in the name of the father and the holy sprite amen. love yu x 

Every Dark Cloud has a Silver Lining

 Its late afternoon and I thought I might continue sleeping and being a Debby Downer with my hurting chest and all, but my Professor Jennifer just emailed me with the best news for the day. She just a put a smile on my face as I wobbled out of bed. Remember people, all these happening occurred when I was working on my thesis for the Master in Social Work. And it gets better, she just informed me that my major research paper was back from the second reader with good reviews! I appreciate this woman because she was not only my Professor during the year but she was a shoulder I cried on more than often. Her resonance evoked confidence in me and helped me to stay focused and calm in the middle of the chaos which began in June. I am always amazed by strong powerful women like Jen who truly believe in you when you have lost belief in your own self. She made me see the great potential in my suffering and possibilities ahead. I just read the good comments from the second reader and now I am even more inspired and motivated to beat this so that I can do my Phd. Do you know what that means? It means I am going to graduate this October. I don't know how that is going to look like but, whether hairless from chemo or what I am going to walk that stage owning that baldness and turning it into victorious. I know I have the "C" word but, like I said before, I am not letting this put me down.  I am just rearranging my life and choosing daily to grow in awareness that I have the courage to be imperfect and knowing that I am loved by all my friends and family who have already graciously started to send me positive affirmations. So, thank ya'll for keeping me strong with your kind words. I cannot thank you all enough. Keep the positive affirmations flowing. You are helping me take charge of my body and mind. What that means is that I am taking charge of my cancer rather than let the cancer take charge of me. After sharing the good news with my rock and fabulous daughter, Tinashe, she just baked these yummy gummy chocolate cupcakes.

Ummm! they are melting in my mouth! So, now we are having a cupcake party. Yay! we are indulging and just binging and just letting loose. I gotta go now the cupcakes await.....